Am I the crazy one after all?

[Baglady]

Hi folks,

I've been reading posts but not posting anything myself for quite a while (long story short after a 21 year marriage - my ex had a complete psychotic break, raged at me, assaulted me, suddenly started cheating and taking drugs, went on a massive blamefest accusing me of torturing him our entire marriage etc.  Our marriage counselor informally diagnosed him with BPD - I researched it and finally all the jigsaw pieces of the "odd" stuff in our marriage finally clicked.  I have absolute zero doubt that this is what he has and had the entire time during our marriage but he was very high functioning).  So my entire life, as I knew it, fell apart in the space of weeks, my ex's family circled the wagons and refused to believe that this was nothing but a marital problem and dropped me in the blink of an eye.  I lost so many mutual friends who just didn't see anything amiss with him at all.  It's been a really tough two years crawling out of the hole of my abrupt blindsiding divorce and rebuilding my life but I'm finally in a decent spot.  I co-parent my teen with him but my ex and I only email and I haven't actually seen or talked to him in more than 18 months.  I've been working so goddamn hard to move on with my life.

All well and good except by happenstance, a mutual friend shared a video of him on FB.  This is really the first time, I've seen him "in person" in all this time.  I'm stunned.  He is so freaking NORMAL!  This was the man I fell in love with and married (not the practically frothing at the mouth, raging manic monster at the time of our divorce).  He is calm, poised, confident, cheerful, funny and so stable-seeming in the video.  It shocked the hell out of me.  No wonder some mutual friends shied away from me when I shared about how psychotically he behaved.  No wonder my son looks at me askance when I do infrequent check-ins to see if things are ok between him and his father (my son witnessed a lot of the psychosis and he has a safety plan set up by our therapist).  No wonder his family don't believe me.  Looking at the version of him that I witnessed - it is impossible to believe how out of control, raging and absolutely crazied he was just prior to the divorce.

It was such a slap in the face.  I know my truth and I will go to my grave knowing he has this serious mental health condition but I also know that a heck of a lot of people will never see or believe me and likely think I'm the crazy one in the narrative for saying our marriage fell apart due to his mental health issues.  I know masking is a feature of the disorder but it is such an extra hurt, on top of so many, many hurts, not to have my truth - the truth - believed by people I care about possibly including my child.  It's crazy making in and of itself. 

Just had to give voice to this fresh affront. I know only my therapist and everyone here really, really gets it.

Warmly,
B.

[anonymous_tico]

It's not an uncommon feeling. I've wondered the same thing about myself many times before.

In my own personal experience, everyone thought my ex was a sweet, wonderful girl. Little did they know, she was quite the little troublemaker (feisty, problems with drugs and alcohol, unfaithful, hypersexual). People with BPD are very good both at acting and knowing what people want. She even fooled me most of the time.

Don't lose sense of yourself. It's easy to do so.

[JNChell]

Hey there, Baglady. Yes, it has been a while since you’ve posted. Please try not to take what you saw personally. Remember to be aware that a lot of these personality types are only seen behind closed doors. The public persona is nothing like the private/intimate persona.

Many of us here know all too well how it goes to lose friends and acquaintances when these relationships implode. Something important to remember is that the ones that are left with us, the ones that believe and trust us, are the ones that were really with us all along. Here’s a link on Radical Acceptance. If you’ve already read up on the concept, take another look.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

It sounds like you’ve done well for yourself after coming out of the turmoil you’ve described. Don’t let a video derail that. You know your truth and your reality. I’ll echo anonymous_tico. Always know your own reality. 

[Mutt]

No wonder his family don't believe me.  Looking at the version of him that I witnessed - it is impossible to believe how out of control, raging and absolutely crazied he was just prior to the divorce.

I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time. You can take a look at the parenting and parenting board and read posts about family members that have a pwBPD in their lives. His family have seen the dysfunction and it’s possible that one way to cope with it is that they don’t call him so that they don’t get the acting out directed at them and I’m sure that there’s behavior directed silently at different family members just like some of the behaviors directed at you were only directed at you. BPD is triggered by intimacy.

The false self that he is telegraphing for everyone to see is not his true self - a pwBPD have feelings of emptiness and dont have a sense of self. If we were to overcome BPD he would need intensive therapy to do so. Not only that but another hallmark of BPD are broken r/s’s, so if he doesn’t roll his sleeves and actually does the work and blame shifts the whole divorce on you, it’s a quick fix for now but it’s just added to the pile of problems that he has, does it really go away?

Let’s say if you’re in heavy financial debt and you’re not looking at different options to get out of debt, or create a budget etc the problem is still there and over time it’s slowly to grow or rapidly depending on your spending. At the end of the day and not to take away with how you feel today because this pain is real and it’s hard but you will heal and you will learn from the experience and most likely will be successful or look at things differently in your next r/s because you will have grown from the experience.

If he doesn’t get help you can fast forward ten years from now and he will be the same person that he is today with the same problems and have the same maladaptive coping mechanisms  he does today.  Lastly I just want to add that family tend to be loyal, share your experience here with people that get what you’re going through and you mentioned a marriage counselor, are you talking to a T?

[Baglady]

Thanks so much for your input - Mutt, JNChell and Anon,

I'm doing better now and honestly I have many more good days than bad at this point.  I've learnt and grown so much through my experience thanks to the help of a fantastic therapist, this site and many amazing friends.  I do not want my ex back at all and daily, I'm thanking my lucky stars that I do not have to navigate the pandemic with him.  I won't lie though - seeing his false self - the version that I married  - it shook me to the core.  I find it sad that he can be this person with everyone but me...

I thought this version of him - the version that I married - was gone but nope - it lives on and convincingly fools almost everyone...   Logically, I know that he has never dealt with his issues but emotionally it hurt a lot to see the "normal" him out of the blue...like a ghost resurrected from the dead.  Simultaneously though, it gave me a measure of peace because it is such a convincing false self...no wonder I was duped through most of my marriage (except for those cracks in the facade every now and then).

This is a mind-bogglingly complex disorder to navigate as a non-survivor.  I'm getting there slowly but surely but this "blast from the past" threw me into a bad place.  I clearly even after 2 plus years out...still have a way to go with my healing.

Warmly,
B.

[Mutt]

I was thinking about the same thing too the other day the members that are going through the pandemic with a pwBPD it has to be on an even tougher scale I know that from how my exuBPDw is acting it’s because of covid.

I won't lie though - seeing his false self - the version that I married  - it shook me to the core.  I find it sad that he can be this person with everyone but me...

Intimacy triggers the disorder the close that you get with a pwBPD over time is going to make it more difficult for them keep the mask on until there comes a day where they can’t hold it together it anymore, the mask completely slips off.

I thought this version of him - the version that I married - was gone but nope - it lives on and convincingly fools almost everyone...

After two years the closeness, the intimacy that triggers BPD is not the same frequency anymore, it’s not the same although you can still get the acting out because you soothed him at one point in his life because he cannot self sooth.

Healing can throw you for a set back sometimes you could be feeling like you’re progressing and things are moving forward in the right direction and you get something unexpected, something that’s insidious that makes you doubt and can make you feel like you lost your footing. As you probably already know you need more time behind you.

Hang in there.

—Mutt