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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Just Need Support  (Read 1009 times)
Mr. Kelly
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 217


« Reply #30 on: March 25, 2021, 09:11:28 AM »

Hi there,

I am brand new on here, and just read some of your postings, but not all…

I have only been with my recently estranged girlfriend for a year and a half, but I see a lot of the same characteristics.

I don’t have answers… But I recognize a lot of the same behavior… Both she and I are on polar opposites of the political fence, and I think it’s getting worse. I suspect I lean the same direction that you do, and she seems to be sinking further and further down into conspiracy theories, the government is going to become tyrannical, and anyone that doesn’t see it is an idiot.

I made the mistake last week of challenging her twice on political matters, and once in front of her friends. That was enough to pretty much cause her to split, and she took her few things out of my house and went home. That’s been pretty much it. She texted me back-and-forth a handful of days ago pretty much telling me it’s all my fault, it’s always the same theme, we are too different, and she thinks it’s not good for her.

She refrained from declaring “we are done“, which I almost point blank asked her right after her split, and she denied a clear answer. I don’t know what to think now. Is it done or not? So, This is where I am at in my situation.

So, I just wanted to check in and let you know that I have been reading a bit about your situation, and can clearly relate to the chaos that is a result.

Also… Do you find yourself having any time with your husband that seems peaceful, nurturing and intimate? We were, and it had gotten quite a bit better over the last few months. However, there’s a good chance that she was looking at the stretch as the last ditch effort, and my failure to meet her expectation could have been the final straw for her. We’ve been no contact for five days now.

I will try to follow what’s happening in your situation and wish you all the best.
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Bertha88
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 52


« Reply #31 on: June 05, 2021, 11:46:41 AM »

Do you find yourself having any time with your husband that seems peaceful, nurturing and intimate?
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Bertha88
**
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 52


« Reply #32 on: June 05, 2021, 12:19:27 PM »

Hello Mr. Kelly,

Sincere apologies that I just saw your post!  I am "technically challenged" with this site:  didn't realize I needed to go to the next page to see additional posts on my thread!  (and the previous lone excerpt I posted--my first ever excerpt, but ran out of editing time, so repeat my post here with the same excerpt!)

Do you find yourself having any time with your husband that seems peaceful, nurturing and intimate?

Unfortunately, not much at this time.  For years those times have been confined to trips when we're away from 1) home and 2) the kids, our two favorite battlegrounds.

Things are ramped up and pretty tense these days.  Today I'm getting a breather b/c he's out of town.  Frankly, I live for these "peaceful" days!

All that said, I have had some profound epiphanies in the past year that likely correspond to my life stage:  our youngest child graduated from high school last year, so I have more time to focus on the marriage rather than just blundering through it.  Specifically, I've reached a point where I know that if my marriage dissolves I can survive (empowering notion); that I've had lousy boundaries my whole life which both got me in this situation in the first place, and meshed perfectly with the pathology surrounding my BPD's demands; and that my behaviors in this relationship (i.e., keep the peace at all costs, let my BPD always have his way but hate him for it, "walk on eggshells") aren't serving ANYONE well--not me, not the kids, nor HIM!

So I've embarked on a journey to strengthen boundaries and pursue a more authentic life.  We are facing major financial decisions (mostly optional and his ideas--a home remodel, vehicle replacements, when to retire, etc.), so it behooves me to get my affairs in order and take a proverbial seat at the table.  If he is willing to come along, great.  If not, I know I have to honor myself, so cannot "cave" into the old ways.

Finances are a long-standing conflict with us.  He's a spender, I'm not; and whenever I say "no"/"not now" to something, he has a toddler-like tantrum and accuses me of killing his dreams, etc.  So one thing I'm considering is ultimately separating our finances so he's free to buy what he wants and vice-versa, with shared expenses clarified and honored.  Lots of practical work on my end.  I feel like I need to be prepared when we discuss this to avoid freaking him out.

Scary but exciting stuff.  (And so much easier to write about when he's out of town!)

How about you?  What ended up with your situation?  I must say honestly that when I reflect on my own past with my uBPDh, I wish I had run for the hills when I saw those initial "red flags"--but we all know relationships are complex, don't we?
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