Feeling low/confused by recycles

[cosmical]

I posted here before so apologies if I am repeating myself to anyone...

I met a girl online and we had an LDR relationship for about 8 months. We would talk all day every day and soon we were planning our first date. It was all very romantic/fairytalesque and we flew to France. We ended up changing our flights and spending a week there together. It was perfect and I was sure she was the one. I knew she had BPD and that she had been in a lot of relationships and she had ended them all (or so she said), but I still believed that I would be different. Now I realize that a lot of it was love bombing but ugh, as someone who doesn't find it easy to connect to people, having an enchanting girl who worships you is so easy to get wrapped up in.

After this we instantly made plans to meet again, this time she would visit me. As the date crept closer she would get increasingly anxious. She ended up coming but during the trip everything went wrong. The weather was awful, my car broke down, and to top it off her period was late and she was moody and in pain for most of the week. We ended with a few positive days but it was nothing like France.

She broke up with me a few weeks after this. Said she didn't like how she was around me (she had become extremely critical) and that she needed to be alone. It caught me completely off guard because she had always had her borderline episodes (rage, mistrust, etc) since I'd known her and we always worked through them and came out fine on the other side. Things got messy as I tried to reason with her only to find her completely detatched already, and she got fed up of it and put me on block.

I was still in the process of greiving the relationship when she popped back up a month later. Asks to hang out, says she misses me. For a few days we talk all day again and she is all over me (well as much as you can be online). We spend the next two months hanging out again like old times, playing games together all day. Someone asks us if we're a couple since we clearly talk like one (good and bad) and she says "ask us in a couple of months". Okay... I can get on board with that. Taking it slow with some expectation down the road. Seems healthy. Maybe we'll build a stronger relationship this time with more experience. A few weeks later and things progress further. She calls us a couple in no uncertain terms and acts very obviously like we are an item around other people. We're an unmistakable team in the game and we do everything together. I still wasn't sure what her end goal was but I was happy to be along for the ride.

All was going smoothly until a month ago. I have a tendency to get jealous sometimes because she has an extremely flirty nature. I made a deal about something and the penny dropped. She asked me if I thought we were together and I said yes, because she was calling us a couple, sending me kisses, snaps, etc etc, and she said she is not responsible for how I feel and she is 100% not together.  She said she thought we we're in a good place but was "obviously mistaken", and promptly deleted snapchat and stopped inviting me to games.Things got heated as I called her out for toying with me and she told me never to talk to her again.

A week later she's back. She's all apologetic, says she forgives me too, adds me back to snap immediately etc etc and says she loves me. I try to take this with a pinch of salt as I know she is an emotional rollercoaster, but hearing these words again from her are like extacy.

We spend another two weeks hanging out all day, playing games. Everything is going fine until she gets really angry at me over something stupid (I literally just died in a game) and seems to use this as a basis to paint me black and stop inviting me to games again, instead choosing to hang out with her new friends. I give her a few days to get the rage out of her system but this continues. Maybe I should have left it alone but it just wasn't acceptable to me to tell someone you love them and then cut them off, especially over something so insignificant. I guess that's just BPD but still there have to be some lines they can't cross. I ask her why she was cutting me off and she flat out lies to me, says her friends didn't have room for my class (we play warcraft) etc etc. I know this isn't true because, frankly, I'm an extremely good player and her friends have always wanted me before. I also know that if she wants you to be in her group then you'll be in her group, simple. She told me I could just play with someone else and I'm like "we've always been a team in this game, I have no interest in playing with anyone else", to which she says "we're not a team, only couples are a team and we're not a couple". Ouch

We left it at that basically and I haven't tried to talk to her for a week. Except for today... I was feeling weak and simply said "i miss you". I quickly regretted it and tried to delete it but I think she saw :/. I think I'm feeling a little desperate cos I see her playing with new people and feel like she's slipping away.

I'm utterly confused. She's going through a pretty rough time in her life right now and part of me wonders if she's just using me whenever she feels low, or if she does actually care for me and her anxiety is pushing her away, or something else entirely... She lost both her jobs due to corona, put on weight, and is falling behind on her therapy due to the lockdowns.

Just have no idea what I am to her.

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[Dreamingagain]

Hi

I have no major advice to you I'm afraid but just sending you a hug and warm thoughts.
I understand that it must be lonely to go thru it..

 

[Diddle]

Honestly this sounds really familiar,
These are the cycles i go through in my marriage every few weeks, but on a marriage related scale, for weeks we’re fine, then after 3/4 wks out marriage is awful, never going to get better, we may as well end it.
Then a few days later, its like it never happened.
Honestly her behaviour is just the same and part of her BPD. She has insecurities and needs that you and I can never fill, but may choose to try and pacify a little.
Honestly don’t wait to find out what you mean to her. Decide for you, what she means to you and if you care for her enough to live a life that will always involve these ups and downs

[Kaufmann]

This sounds so much like my relationship. So first, let me say, I think I at least somewhat understand what you're experiencing. It's hell, plain and simple.

I think I love my person for similar reasons, as you wrote that it's "so easy to get wrapped up" with "an enchanting girl who worships you." I think that's one of the things that draws me to Aimee (fake name). When she loves me, she really loves me, and it feels amazing.

I'm utterly confused. She's going through a pretty rough time in her life right now and part of me wonders if she's just using me whenever she feels low, or if she does actually care for me and her anxiety is pushing her away, or something else entirely.

I've asked the same question about Aimee. My tentative conclusion is that when she loves me, she really truly, loves me. And when she doesn't want to be with me, she really, truly doesn't want to be with me. I feel like she feels what she feels (very intensely) in the moment. The problem is that her feelings change. Do you think that might be the case in your situation?

[Brooklyn1974]

My wife has BPD and been married 16 years.  I have a post on our situation.  One thing I noticed is that whatever she is feeling now is a fact to her.  They don't have a gray area, it's either black or white.  I can only imagine the thoughts and pain in their heads along with all of the confusion.  If you argue with them, they equate that with us not loving them. 

They have the emotional IQ of a teenager, even though they are very smart intelligence wise.  If you try to explain this to them, that's the fastest way for them to paint you black.  What I learned is that we can't be their counselor, it's not our job.  If we try, they will just push away further.

They have so many great qualities it's why we are attracted to that person.  I tell my 12 yr old daughter that some people get sick in their stomach or have a cold, right now mom is sick in her mind.  When my wife is raging or very upset I would never tell my daughter 'Mom loves you' because that equates love to this behavior in my daughter's mind. 

Read up on the SET it does really work.  You have to respond to the emotion on why she is doing these things, not the act itself.

[Brooklyn1974]

Cosmical one thing you need to remember.  They will never be totally cured, even if they go to counseling.  You will continue to have these cycles, it's more about trying to keep them under control using the SET and JADE.  You have to realize that over time your feelings will be felt like they are tossed aside.  If you read my situation you can see how volatile it can be.  They usually have impulse issues as well which will make your life filled with anxiety.  You really need strong shoulders to be in a relationship with a BPD.

I would advise you to get counseling so that you can keep your self-confidence up and your anxiety down.  Read up on how to make boundaries without using ultimatums.  There is a lot of psychology involved when dealing with a person who has this mental issue.