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Author Topic: Others Finally Getting Who Your BPD Relative Is While Others Still Don't Get It.  (Read 169 times)
zachira
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« on: May 23, 2020, 10:58:20 AM »

This week I participated in a meeting with my sister with BPD as part of a large group. She got angry with me twice and insulted me in front of the whole group. I have a different attitude about these things now. My sister is a narcissist and pretends to be a nice person to those people she wants to look good in front of. Though it bothered me to have her raging about me in front of everyone, I know some people will finally see her for who she truly is, and others will not get it. It makes things easier for me in some ways when my sister shows that she is not the sweet nice person she likes to pretend to be. I am looking forward to the day when I have no obligations to be involved with either of my siblings with BPD. Do you have any stories about how you felt when other people showed that they were starting to understand what it is like for you to have a family member with BPD when they saw some of the behaviors that your family member with BPD tends to only show to close family members?
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« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2020, 03:45:02 PM »

Hi so sorry you had to experience that. I have one little story to made you giggle.

I have 4 siblings. One sister finally saw how horrible the other is and called her out on it in a 4 page group email that was truly a thing of beauty. I read and reread it. Then I called my best friend and read it aloud while drinking wine. We laughed and laughed and laughed. Now the sister who wrote the email and I are not fond of one another and usually just avoid each other. It works for me as it makes my life very peaceful. However the email was just so amazing that I texted her to say so and to express that what she experienced is EXACTLY how the sister being called out treated me. So it is starting to come to light that using me as a scapegoat may not be the most accurate version of events in our family. Hilarious.

The 3rd and oldest sister has also been accused of things of late and made those comments public. She also has insisted that there be less secrecy and made many of the conflictual sister's emails available to the rest of us.

Finally the only brother is dealing one on one with said troublesome sister and I suspect starting to see the light about how difficult and dishonest she really is.

So yes the truth outs in the end. And yes it is incredibly peaceful to not have much contact anymore. In fact I think I am going to go with calling it limited contact rather than estrangement from now on. It is perhaps more accurate.

So keep the faith and true to yourself. It will all be ok in the end.
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Choosinghope

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« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2020, 05:34:20 PM »

When my H and I first started dating, I told him that my mom can be difficult and that I had some pretty strict boundaries. He tried to guilt me a little for having boundaries, saying that you shouldn't put up walls with your family. I tried explaining why boundaries were good, but he just wasn't really buying it. We left it at a stalemate.

6 months later when he saw firsthand how hurtful and destructive my mom can be, he quickly rescinded his earlier opinion  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Ever since, he's been a huge proponent of boundaries, and he's even seeing how important they are with all of our other relatives too. It was one of those moments that really made me feel like I was on the right track, even before I knew about BPD.
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« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2020, 08:28:04 PM »

I think so, but I’m not quite sure. It’s only speculation. S5’s mom and I had an insane relationship. Both of us contributed to it. I always allowed her to pick our therapist. Every therapist didn’t work. At least two definitely shouldn’t have. The one that stands out is a therapist that “canceled “ 4 or 5 sessions in a row. S5’s mom was in control of the scheduling. I would get texts for reasons why our therapist had to cancel our sessions. This didn’t sit well with me. It seemed very unethical. It wasn’t for an extended absence, it was always the day of. Something that is important to add here is that I had brought up BPD to her before this. I didn’t know what I know now.

Without going into drawn out detail, I was in contact with my bio dad and we had a bad exchange. I tried to explain what happened to S5’s mom while sitting in the lobby with her while waiting for our session. She belittled me and told me that something was wrong with me. I walked out and didn’t attend the session. We never saw that therapist again. Shortly after, S5’s mom showed up to my place on date night with SWOE. She sat on the couch reading excerpts to me while I sat on the floor and cried while apologizing. I told her that I was completely open to the idea of me having the condition and that I was willing to work on it. I don’t have BPD. Know what I mean? I was so mentally broken at this point in time.

Ok, I’ve made this post enough me. I’m just trying to let you know that I understand where you’re coming from, even if the dynamic is different. IMHO, I think that you should embrace the validation. I don’t think that you need to advertise it, but there is nothing wrong with giving yourself piece of mind. You deserve that. Do you, zachira. Stick to what you’ve learned. Being a pillar for yourself and your values will upend them. Most likely during the legal process. That shouldn’t be a goal, but I imagine it’s quite validating to see the mask slip.

Stay the course and take the high road. I know you will.

In my time here, you are one of the members that has been very consistent and genuine. I’m not minimizing anyone else, I’m talking about you.

My one moment was shortly after I moved in with my best friend after hitting a very low point (the final end) with S5’s mom. He basically said that I was coming home with him, and that was final. We were talking one night and he asked me “do you think she knows how abusive she is?”. I said “no” and went to bed. My sister is a psychologist, but there’s an ethical barrier there. She actually called today, but I didn’t answer.

Validation is a sweet thing. It means so much when we get it. The thing is, there’s not a lot of that available for us outside of this community.



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« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2020, 05:38:41 AM »

It was a long time before I heard any.

My father's family didn't say much about my mother - I think they knew they'd be painted black and banished from seeing us, so they didn't say anything. My father would have been furious if they did.

As kids, nobody believed us. As adults, we knew that saying anything about my mother was futile.

After my father died, the remaining family members were able to speak their minds.

But what came as a surprise was speaking to her health care providers. I had not ever done that. She didn't allow it and didn't sign consents for them to speak to me. But as she got older, they discussed with her that she needed to allow them to speak to her children so she did.

So yes, her issues are known to them, but we only discuss them in terms of what she needs related to any medical care or other support. It's not warm or fuzzy validation but I do feel that my reality about what is going on with her is validated.

I don't speak of her to anyone in her social circle or her FOO.

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« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2020, 03:56:32 PM »

I definitely understand. It can be a much easier burden to bare when others can also recognize and point out that there is a problem too, and it's not just you feeling crazy.

Unfortunately, many many people who came into my mother's life and became close to her, and to us kids, would ultimately choose to end their relationship with my mother, which was painful and confusing. That's when they most likely discovered that my mother was who she was behind closed doors. For me, it's both satisfying and confusing for others to know about my mom's uBPD because I feel like I'm tip-toeing around when I talk about the problems I have with her to those knowing people. I recognize that this is the conditioning she did with me so that I would protect her. I'm much better now and talk *** about her all the time!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Good luck Zachira!
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« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2020, 05:19:52 AM »

Yes, I feel anxious whenever I speak about my mother's issues. This is probably because If I did say anything about them, my parents would get very angry at me.

I try not to speak in terms of being mean, but it's hard not to sound mean if I am telling the truth. She's abusive, and it's hard to politely say that.

I think speaking about her also makes me realize- yes, it is real,- even though the adults around me denied it when I was a child and the people in her circle now have no idea. But I also don't have any interest in discussing her with them. I don't need their validation. They can figure it out themselves if they need to.

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once removed
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« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2020, 02:27:19 AM »

She got angry with me twice and insulted me in front of the whole group.

what happened?

what did she say? what did you say?
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zachira
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« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2020, 09:26:28 AM »

Once Removed,
The story of what happened is not important. What counts is I did not get wrapped up in the narrative and I noticed my sister had lost her facade in front of some long time community members who thought very highly of her and oftentimes not treated me so well. Since then, she has written a private email claiming she and I were attacked at the meeting. I learned about the email from the response that was sent to both of us in which the writer was kind and quite perplexed that my sister would see things the way she does. The only person attacked at the meeting was me, by my sister, her raging at me twice out of the blue. All of this helps me, because it makes my sister's scapegoating of me much less credible.
When we talk about how we experience our family members with BPD, it can come across as trying to force the other person to feel the way we do about them, or as jealousy, or sacreligious because we are talking about family members we are supposed to have unconditional loyalty to, etc., Sometimes saying nothing negative about our family member with BPD is what works best. If we do say something, I find it best to keep what I have to say brief and informative while staying calm and present.
The experiences members have shared so far really made me feel once again how important this community is. We get it here. So many of us have endured lifetimes of being the one to blame for whatever is upsetting the family members with BPD with few people validating what we are experiencing while many close to the family seem to adopt the narrative of those maligning us. It is such an important step towards healing our wounds to be able to see and observe what is really going on without becoming emotionally enmeshed in the raging, projection, and scapegoating. I often follow my therapist's advice to just observe my feelings when someone is treating me badly, and this does indeed help me to not take personally being blamed for whatever the disordered person is feeling inside.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2020, 09:44:58 AM by zachira » Logged

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« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2020, 05:18:06 PM »

This sounds great. To a person like me, it almost sounds like a getaway. This might sound weird or vengeful, but I’m glad that your sister cracked in front of an important person with regards to finalizing things. I feel like a fan in the stands. I know that that isn’t what this is about, but I’ve seen you bullied so much. Let the validation empower you. Know that someone else has finally seen it.

Personally, one of the hardest parts of all of this is not being understood. Nobody really knows and that can become a very lonely place to be. Everything that you’ve done and learned is working for you. Good job!

Also, it is hard to tell the truth without looking like the one with the root issues that have caused all of the problems. It will always amaze me on how parents can abuse a child. Once that child is grown, everyone stands around scratching their heads saying “what’s wrong with X?”. The ones scratching their heads are oblivious. When I read an article, or meet someone that says certain things, I immediately ask myself, “how was the childhood?”. IMHO, child abuse is hugely ignored. There are blue and silver wind spinners for child abuse month. That’s all that I see. There is no awareness. I called a woman a bitch today for hitting and berating her young daughter in the grocery store. She’s probably 3-4. If someone has the capacity to hit in public, I hate to imagine what is going on at home. I hate it.

I went off on a tangent here when I simply should’ve said congrats on sticking to your guns.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2020, 05:34:22 PM by WTL » Logged

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zachira
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« Reply #10 on: May 27, 2020, 05:23:22 PM »

WTL,
You hit the nail on the head. Being seen means so much to those of us who have been so mercilessly scapegoated by family members with BPD and those they recruit to be their allies. You made me laugh by describing yourself as "a fan in the stands".
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« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2020, 05:43:37 PM »

Always a fan, my friend. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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