First baby due soon. uBPD mom coming to visit.

[WalkbyFaith]

I'm due with our baby boy next month -- a miracle baby we have waited and prayed for, for a long time. Of course my family is coming to visit (from out of state). My mom is I believe uBPD and we have a difficult relationship, but don't really acknowledge that it's difficult...if that makes sense. She wanted to be here when the baby is born, but I requested that my husband and I want some time alone with baby before having visitors. She tried to push that, too, and schedule the trip earlier, but thankfully I was able to stand my ground and stick to our boundaries! Definitely a victory for me.

As it gets closer, I still feel some anxiety about the visit. They will not be staying with us, but they will be at our house most of the day, every day. She's just... a lot. And her ideas/expectations of her relationship with this baby are very different than mine. He'll know her as his grandma of course, but it's a long-distance relationship and I'm grateful for that because I don't want much of her influence in my kid(s) life. I already feel a need to protect him from her...not that she would hurt him, it's just her negativity and controlling personality. Everything I grew up with, plus the way I see her interact with her other grandkids. Having her here in my house with me and my newborn, such a vulnerable and sensitive time, is giving me some stress.

I don't know specifically what I'm asking advice for, but thanks for letting me share, and I do appreciate any words of wisdom!

[GaGrl]

Several of our members have walked through the anticipation of having a baby with the stress of a hOLD mother. I went through this with my step-daughter.

What kinds of behavior have you perversity your mom's other grandchildren that concerns you? Have you thought yet about boundaries to protect you, your husband, and your baby?

[Confused40]

Well done for holding your ground. I went through similar, it took me to my third child to stand my ground and say I wanted a week just us and the baby, my parents couldn't understand it. I had every relative before and after the birth sent to try to blackmail me into letting them come stay (in the house with us for weeks). When baby arrived my mother rang everyday multiple times a day saying th bags were packed they would be on the next flight when we needed to the point I stopped answering the phone. They still arrived after a week and took over controlling the house.

A year later things blew up and we have since gone no contact because they couldn't respect any boundaries we tried to put in. It got worse as the kids grew older  they really thought they had a huge claim on my kids.

Hold your ground, set boundaries and enforce them. It's hard but the physical  distance will help. If you could set a routine that they visit, staying somewhere else, a couple of times a year. Maybe visiting them in the future is the way to go a couple of times a year you can choose how close you stay and how much time you spend with them. Find excuses not to visit or that they cant come. Work, other visitors etc. Use the babies routine to get rid of them or take yourself and the baby off for a sleep  helps if you are breast feeding baby only need you.

I completely get where you are coming from not wanting to expose your family to the BPD you gre up with. Best of luck. Try not to let it overshadow the exciting time this is. Their visit is only a small part that will have to be endured. You'll have loads of aline time with your baby. Congratulations. 

[GaGrl]

My mother's stepmother was uBPD/NPD. She had reared my mom from age six, following the bio mother's death. My dad knew the relationship was difficult, but it was my birth that resulted in his taking control of his family and future.

My step-grandmother showed up at the hospital ready to direct "Baby Comes Home" as if it were a Hollywood production. In the process, she insulted my dad's mother. It was not pretty.

Within six weeks, my dad had transferred jobs, moved us 200 miles away, and had a clear path for controlled contact with my grandparents. Of course, much had happened to get to that point.

What level of support do you get from your husband?

[Choosinghope]

Walk By Faith, 
I have a story that might help. I don't have kids yet, but my oldest sister does--my mom's only grandkids so far. My sister's first pregnancy and the fallout was when I first started to suspect that something was seriously wrong with my mom. I was living with my parents at the time, so I witnessed the whole thing.

The pregnancy itself was turbulent for my mom, and she decided that my sister was selfish, emotionally unstable, and lamented often about how she could have raised such a daughter. My sister also said, like you, that they wanted time with baby before parents visited. They said that they would call once they were up for company. My mom didn't like it, but on the surface dealt with it.

Baby came, and trauma ensued. The night she was born, my mom kind of lost it. I was so confused watching it then, but I understand it better now. The next week, she basically spent lying in bed crying and pretending like my sister and the baby had died in childbirth. The call came, and my dad literally packed her bag and put her in the car while she was sobbing and screaming that she wouldn't go. Thankfully, I wasn't part of that trip. She got home and was happy and pleasant and raving about how beautiful and perfect baby was. No mention of the previous hysterics. It ceased to exist.

Here's what I think is helpful from this story. There are no magic words or solutions to handle this situation without a bit of drama. Even though your request is perfectly reasonable, it will most likely get twisted somehow. My mom freaked out, and then she got over it. In the end, my sister stood by her boundaries and did what was right for her and her H. In the excitement and stress of baby coming, I would encourage you to focus on what is right for you. You've been considerate of your parents by making a plan, and that's ALL that you need to do. Any dysregulation that ensues will come and go, but it doesn't have to spoil such a precious time for you. Best wishes to you, and congratulations on such an exciting time!

[Methuen]

Having her here in my house with me and my newborn, such a vulnerable and sensitive time, is giving me some stress.

Yes!  We get this!

In some places, when visitors come there is a self-isolation period of two weeks. When they arrive (it sounds like they are either driving or flying in), is there any self-isolating planned?

Also, I'm wondering if your parents have a return ticket, and if there is an exit strategy, i.e. a "scheduled" departure date.  Tied to that, I'm wondering if you know how long they are staying, and therefore, how long to "pace" yourself for with your mom.  In my experience with my mom, the first day or two will probably be ok, as everyone adjusts to sharing space, but then her "controlling" nature can take over.  Where does your dad fit in all this?  Does he have awareness and help keep her on an even keel, or is he an enabler?

How is your H with all this?   Will your mom's behavior be mostly directed on you, or also your H?  Will H be able to help you set and manage boundaries with her?

Do you have a friend or neighbour you can invite over you have a sense of rising tension or a looming blowout?   My experience is that my mom only loses control and strikes me emotionally when I am alone.  So having another person around can bring safety.

All of this anxiety, but I'm actually hoping it turns out ok for you.  My mom was at her best when our children were young, because she felt "needed".  I hope all your anxiety turns out to be just that, anxiety, and that your mom is actually helpful.  Wishing you the best case scenario.

[Methuen]

My apologies for peppering you with too many questions!

I just wanted to add that you have really done an amazing job of already setting great boundaries by insisting that you have time alone with the baby before they arrive, and also by stating you need your own space in the home with the baby, so they are staying in a hotel.

Congratulations with those boundaries!  That is so fantastic. 

I think what you are doing now with their arrival getting closer, is planning ahead to be ready, so that their visit goes as well as it can.  This is so smart.  You are doing everything you are able, and with a few more steps in place, I am hoping it goes off well for you, and your anxiety which is based on a history, turns out to be not needed.

My mom benefitted from feeling "needed".  She got to hold the baby while I showered.  She prepared food for all of us, and thus helped with the meals.  She also helped with the laundry.  Making her feel needed and a part of the action made a difference. 

Plan ahead and feel ready, but don't expect the worst.  Instead, hope for the best.

[WalkbyFaith]

Thank you all so much for the encouragement and your stories.

What kinds of behavior have you perversity your mom's other grandchildren that concerns you?

In short, similar behavior to what I grew up with. The same guilting, manipulating... and just the example of how she acts.

The next week, she basically spent lying in bed crying and pretending like my sister and the baby had died in childbirth. The call came, and my dad literally packed her bag and put her in the car while she was sobbing and screaming that she wouldn't go. Thankfully, I wasn't part of that trip. She got home and was happy and pleasant and raving about how beautiful and perfect baby was. No mention of the previous hysterics.

Oh my gosh, this sounds just like what my M would do! So crazy!

is there any self-isolating planned? Also, I'm wondering if your parents have a return ticket

It looks like our state will be lifting the self-quarantine rule within the next week or two, so that won't be required. But yes, they are staying a week and have return tickets already!

Where does your dad fit in all this?  How is your H with all this?

My dad is definitely an enabler. Love the guy, but he is all about serving her and making her happy. Thankfully, my hubby is with me and I know he will enforce boundaries if he needs to. In fact, he would prefer to set stricter boundaries than what I am willing to at this point (due to trying to preserve the family relationships). I know he'll fight for me and baby if needed, although I also know that would bring about a blowup...

Do you have a friend or neighbour you can invite over you have a sense of rising tension or a looming blowout?

Good idea. Thank you for this suggestion!
 

[tut]

My first birth and the months followed were a nightmare "thanks" to my mom.
She would just show in my house with rage without invitation and sent me lots of long text messages saying stuffs such as "the birth was more difficult for me than for you" or "I now love the baby and not you".
My relationship with my mom were always hard but the after birth stuffs really traumatized me.

Thank god we had the quarantine now in my current birth. This was the best
Of course she still sent nasty and rages text messages like 10 hours after the birth, but at least we had some quiet.

I think this is a very stressful situation for the bpd mom.
But it is also a stressful situation for you, and this the (much) more important thing - you are becoming a mom!

Make sure you have support and a clear date for the end of the visit. Protect yourself. 

[zachira]

Just wanted to chime in and say how much I respect you for wanting to protect your family, especially your newborn baby, from some of the behaviors of your uBPD mom. My mother with BPD died last summer. I have suffered from years of terrible dissociation and nightmares from being under the care of a BPD mom who inflicted her scary behaviors on me starting at birth. I would say most important of all, is to never leave your mother alone with your child no matter how old the child is. When you see your baby responding with discomfort by how your mother is treating the baby, especially when holding the baby, than take the baby into your arms and comfort him. The main job of the parents of a young child is to teach them to feel safe, and to learn how to regulate the emotions that overwhelm them. Your heart is in the right place. I hope you will be able to focus on the joy of being a new mom, and your mother's presence will not be too overwhelming.