Advice please I am fearful to leave but made steps to

[Copycat2018]

Hello,

I am married to an undiagnosed Bpd and last week he once again kicked me out so I am following up on that.
I have found a rental and planning to move there in two days.

Problem: therapist says since he kicked me out before and I never left he I’ll not have any idea and when I announce that I am moving preferably just when the movers show up it will trigger an incident and perhaps lead to violence.

He has many guns and ammo.

He kicked me out almost a week ago and it took me a long time to line up a place to go to . We have not talked much just absolute necessity since.

Today he showed some signs of softening from his rage at me.

He is losing his hatred towards me and I do not know what to do to make this move as unproblematic as possible. ( if he was as angry as a week ago, if I could have made a move immediately that would have satisfied him and made him feel in control.)

I know he has to be in control  and my moving and unannounced will be a problem.

How to handle this?

[GaGrl]

You can request that you have a police escort to accompany you when you remove your belongings from the previously shared space.

Get it all in one visit.

Be done with the physical items.

We understand that the emotional issues might take longer, and we can help and support you in that.

[Copycat2018]

Hello,

Thank you for the reading and suggestion.
I fear to involve the police.
Also they are quite busy these days.

What other options are there?

Is it possible that he wants me gone and will be happy ?

[GaGrl]

The police do this all the time.

Alternatives might be having several friends or relatives with you, to help with moving items and as witnesses and to keep the situation calm. (Do you have any friends that are physically strong?)

Have you gotten advice from a lawyer yet? An L can give you some options. Are you going ahead and filing? When would be get served the divorce petition?

[Copycat2018]

Hi,
I have not talked to a L yet. The therapist counselor I talked to told me that I should have a mediator first and hope that will work then draw up a divorce agreement of some kind.

I am not sure.
I will talk to the L mediator tomorrow.
We have no kids so this should be more simple.

[GaGrl]

Many people attempt mediation first.

However, there are steps you need to put in place to even get to the mediation point. Again, are you planning to file for divorce? If so, you need a lawyer who will guide you through filing, presenting your soon-to-be-ex with the petition for divorrce, and then through setting up mediation.

You might think it will be simple. People with PDs can put blocks in place to impede the process. Some members here have been told the divorce would take z9 months, only to have it take over 2 years.

You need legal advice.

[Copycat2018]

Thank you. I will talk to a lawyer. Tomorrow.

Another thought: my brother says that I should not just leave someone after 15 years without a conversation.
I revisited that idea because of what all say about this type of person.
I am having a hope that he wants me gone and that will make things easier. But that might be just a desire.

I am mortified of a move with police or any other than movers present and just run and take what you can approach and never look back.
Do not tell him your address, change your phone number etc.

This is super strange approach to me.
But then again, it is also super strange that this conflict we are having is 8 days old and he is ok with treating me very badly and seeing me suffer.

Why not be civil? This is hard as it is and it is super hard for me to go from a relative comfort into a lodging with no comfort, alone, live amongst people I do not know, job lost due to c19 etc.

The idea that I can move out like a human being not a running wild animal is impossible? That we can talk and behave rationally?
That I can take what I need at least and leave?

After asking this question I think that it is. He has no regard for me or others I guess. It is just so hard for me to understand.

[Copycat2018]

He had wanted me to leave once maybe 12 years ago. He sat me down on the couch and was crying.
He also spent a lot of time looking for a place where I might go to live. At first that was a condo for me.

Later he thought he could get a house/ three flat and I would live in one, he in the other and a tenant in the third.

There was a sense that he wanted me to be safe.
That is why I have the hope that he might respond well to a conversation.

[Copycat2018]

How does this person see another, like me?

I see a human as someone struggling with the challenges of life.

He keep telling me what I do wrong and he wants me to correct it.
I told him I am not perfect never will be no matter what.
But he tells me he knows what is right. Right and being right is very important for him.

The conflict 8 days ago was that he said: tell me that I always admit when I am wrong. Be careful of what you say ! He warned.

I know that to be blatantly untrue so I did not lie to him. I also did not like being pushed into a lie.
That is when all hell broke loose!

I know I did the wrong thing I should have told him what he wanted me to. But how is that good for either me or him?

[Copycat2018]

I have talked to a lawyer who was recommended by the therapist I talked to and has experienced borderline as a client. She said I could move out, she could not advise me of how to talk to my husband about it.

She said she could take the divorce, and charge hourly if it takes long.

That is all I learned.
So now I have a lawyer, what is next?

How do I present this thing: I am moving and will file for divorce.

It sounds quite rational and according to the lawyer, my husband asked for the divorce., so it sounds rational but I do not know how to do it.

The shorter time he has to think the better?

Why he might be glad to see me go, left comfortably in our house,
And start over himself.

[Copycat2018]

On the other hand everyone here kind of says that borderline is difficult and has separation issues? Please, give me some ideas what can go wrong?
What to expect?

Shall I just order the movers and surprise him with the move the very morning when they show up?

I do not like that idea but I feel that is suggested.

[Copycat2018]

It seems that no one but one kind person responded to my questions.
Are thee older posts I can learn from?
How do I find them?

My issue is what to expect, what happens in him, hen I announce that I am moving?
E have been together 15 years.