Is this a typical pull/push for BPD?

[Victor85_]

An ex girlfriend on mine often reaches out to me when things with her current boyfriend are not going well. She reminisces about our good old times and hints at meeting up again. But when things get concrete she disappears and slides back into her relationship again.

One time she charmed and flirted with me so hard (telling me how I'm the only one she really trusts, she feels safe with, that I was still her big love, and getting very sexual too) that I actually started to fall in love with her again. But when I told her about my feelings she almost looked disgusted and told me "not to be so weak". And she was gone again. Feels like a punch in the stomach.

Some of my friends say she might have borderline personality and this is typical pull/push behaviour? Is that true? And how should I handle it if it happens again?

Thanks in advance!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hello and welcome,

Borderline Personality Disorder is very hard for even professionals to diagnosis but does consist of some very recognizable traits.     Here is a link with much more information:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63511.0

People with BPD often experience a love-hate relationship with others. They may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may be good one day and evil the next.

that creates the push/pull behavior of BPD.    I love you - go away.   I hate you don't leave me.

does that help ?

'ducks

[Victor85_]

Hi Babyducks thanks so much for your reply.

I do understand a bit how people with BPD function in black and white thinking. And yes it does help to acknowledge that is how it works.

What I'm curious about, is if the simple fact of me telling her about my feelings triggered her to push me away? Is that what caused the shift?

Would she have enjoyed our interactions better if I had stayed more indifferent to her?

Is it typical for someone with BPD to make that shift the moment someone tells them they love them?

[babyducks]

it's always hard to tell what some one else is thinking,... bpd or not.   people with BPD are unique individuals who process life through some very broad categories.  

it very well could be that sharing your feelings was more than she could cope with and began the push away.    

people with BPD (pwBPD)  have a high amount of internal shame and blame.   often they don't feel like they can be loved.    and the idea that you love them makes you defective in some way.

to over simplify pwBPD are driven by their own chaotic ever changing emotions and the effort of managing them.    if those emotions get too difficult they will back away or blame you for their emotions.

so if she is caught in the difficult situation between two boy friends and you up the ante by declaring your love for her,   she might push away to avoid having to deal with her feelings of conflict and confusion.

hope this helps.

[Victor85_]

That makes sense yes.

I find it confusing.

I thought it would make her happy that the feelings she expressed were mutual.

Apparently that was a mistake.

Is there any way to let her know that I care about her without 'scaring' her away?

[babyducks]

Is there any way to let her know that I care about her without 'scaring' her away?

if only there was a simple answer to that question Victor85.   and of course there's not.

generally speaking,  people with BPD (or some of the traits of the disorder) are highly sensitive, and have harmfully intense emotions that change rapidly.

it's important to have an understanding and acceptance of the disorder and the challenges it presents.     it's important to not get stuck in hoping things will return to the idealization phase of the relationship.

on the top of all the boards here is a "Lessons" thread that is pinned there.     it's a good place to start learning.

I found learning communication skills and tools to make conversations more productive helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

'ducks

[GoblinMom]

They like a challenge.

[ohmygosh]

Yes I think this is definitely a typical push pull relationship.  I think you should question your involvement since she is in relationship with another.  Even if she left him for you what trust would you have considering she does all this flirting while she has a partner?