Am I approaching this wrong?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife threw a fit because I didn’t take her picture within 5 minutes of her asking me to. Clearly there is more behind this than a picture.

Then I went and protested alone last week. She called me in the middle of it and FaceTimed me over and over. Accused me of cheating. Bawled her eyes out. I came home. I was gentle. I keep attempting to actively listen. I sit down on the edge of the bed and she straight up kicks me in the face. I get up without speaking, grab my packed suitcase, and I didn’t speak to her for five days.

Before I left I stated very calmly and clearly “I’m not participating in a marriage with you unless you get back on medication or follow any recommendation your doctor gives you, stop using weed to self medicate, and start seeing your therapist again.” I then took our car and left and have been staying in an Airbnb down the street.

She called me this morning for the first time. Asking me for the car. No apology. Nothing. She flew her friend in today. Her friend then called me and stated “I wnat to see the new cat you bought”. Then my wife jumps on the phone and tells me she started medication. Yeah, I don’t believe it.

Not sure if this is the right approach. I’m absolutely done with the ups and downs. I know I can be with a stable individual and not have entire nights where we are at a beautiful setting ruined because I don’t take her picture in time.

[Spam591]

My wife threw a fit because I didn’t take her picture within 5 minutes of her asking me to. Clearly there is more behind this than a picture.

Then I went and protested alone last week. She called me in the middle of it and FaceTimed me over and over. Accused me of cheating. Bawled her eyes out. I came home. I was gentle. I keep attempting to actively listen. I sit down on the edge of the bed and she straight up kicks me in the face. I get up without speaking, grab my packed suitcase, and I didn’t speak to her for five days.

Before I left I stated very calmly and clearly “I’m not participating in a marriage with you unless you get back on medication or follow any recommendation your doctor gives you, stop using weed to self medicate, and start seeing your therapist again.” I then took our car and left and have been staying in an Airbnb down the street.

She called me this morning for the first time. Asking me for the car. No apology. Nothing. She flew her friend in today. Her friend then called me and stated “I wnat to see the new cat you bought”. Then my wife jumps on the phone and tells me she started medication. Yeah, I don’t believe it.

Not sure if this is the right approach. I’m absolutely done with the ups and downs. I know I can be with a stable individual and not have entire nights where we are at a beautiful setting ruined because I don’t take her picture in time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

beyond frustrating.

fundamentally, you need someone who gets that a kick in the face isnt an acceptable response.

it sounds like she thinks this is about the weed, or not being on medication, or not following the doctors advice, rather than about the kick in the face.

what do you think?

[Spam591]

beyond frustrating.

fundamentally, you need someone who gets that a kick in the face isnt an acceptable response.

it sounds like she thinks this is about the weed, or not being on medication, or not following the doctors advice, rather than about the kick in the face.

what do you think?

She won’t take any accountability. Just blamed everything on me yesterday when I finally met with her. An ex followed me on Instagram yesterday. She thinks since I left for a week that I was cheating on her with this EX. My wife wrote this ex a message and my ex blocked her leading my wife to think I’m cheating further. I didn’t cheat. I was taking time to let things cool off and allow her to take initiative with her mental health.

Last night I slept in our bed. She was super nice. Agreed to take meds. We talked about my ex situation. She stopped accusing me. This morning I wake up and she hates me. Accuses me of cheating. Tells me she’s leaving. Packs her bags. And she’s gone! Just like that. Over a false accusation and me needing space because things became violent.

What should I do? Take this out? Pursue her? Leave her alone? I don’t rwnat anyone else but her AND I don’t wnat a toxic relationship like this with her. I wnat a peaceful loving one.

[once removed]

What should I do?

the short answer, and im sorry if this sounds pat, but educate yourself. learn more about BPD traits and how they effect relationships.

shes all over the place. now, more than ever, you need to be firmly, strongly, in one place.

at a time when that place may be harder to determine than ever.

you have at least one foot out of the relationship, and have for a while. make no mistake, she can feel this. she may not fully understand why. she may not be proactively asking what shes done to contribute to that, and how she can undo the damage. shes flailing, reacting to the uncertainty, and whatever works, whatever gets your attention, seems like the right move.

big picture, thats a big part of it. being firmly, strongly in one place, entails whether you want to invest in saving this relationship, or making the moves to extract yourself from it. both will be a challenge; she will react to both. if you choose the former, dont expect her to get and accept that over night. it will be an uphill, but not impossible battle to rekindle the relationship, even more so to get it on a healthier trajectory. but either way, it starts with the first step.

[Spam591]

I have taken two weeks space. She will randomly call and ask where I’m at and then scream and say I’m a cheater. I did not cheat. I took space because of the exact behavior she is displaying and it became unsafe for me.

What should I do? I am stuck in this no mans land. I try and reach out and she is raging mad at me and won’t chill out and won’t allow me to speak and hangs up and calls back and screams more... ahhh. Yet, if I take more space I’m accused of cheating more and more. I literally can’t even get a word in. If I try to text her she blocks me. It’s been close to four weeks in total we’ve been apart. Not really to sure how to take it from here.

She acts like this when she is off her bipolar meds and when she is not in dialectical behavioral group therapy. It was a non negotiable for me that she had to be doing those two things for me to be involved in a marriage with her. And I left because it became unsafe and clear she had stopped both. Now I’m a cheater. Ha

[Spam591]

She harassed me all day until I answered the phone. Told me she wants to get on meds and work stuff out. Then as soon as I said okay started playing games. Hung up on me every time I called back. Told me sit I don’t admit to cheating then she doesn’t wnat to be together. I didn’t cheat. Seems like she just wanted control

[once removed]

Now I’m a cheater. Ha

youve got to understand, youre dealing with a desperate and currently unstable person.

this isnt a mental or emotional skirmish to be won.

youre dealing with someone who is ill equipped with the tools or ability to understand what is broken about this relationship, face it, approach it with a solutions mindset. youre dealing with someone who is reacting incredibly strongly to your leaving, as if you have left the relationship.

its hard when you dont have a willing and able partner in all of this. the onus falls on us to be the emotional leader, when it is hardest to do so.

She harassed me all day until I answered the phone. Told me she wants to get on meds and work stuff out. Then as soon as I said okay started playing games. Hung up on me every time I called back. Told me sit I don’t admit to cheating then she doesn’t wnat to be together. I didn’t cheat. Seems like she just wanted control

shes flailing wildly. you, to some extent, are bending to those winds.

1. use distance in a healthy way. spell it out. agree on times to speak, or dont speak at all. use the distance for being in a mentally and emotionally sound place to deal with a person who is not in that place.

2. accept that she is not in that place. have realistic expectations. if she says "all is good, ill get back on meds, i love you", the question isnt so much one of sincerity as it is ability and willingness to follow through. dont over invest.

3. dont continue calling back if she hangs up. you both need space. you both (and you will need to sense, and lead here) need the ability to take a healthy time out when the conversation has broken down to the point of no return.

4. you set the tone here. when things have broken down, past the point of no return, when there is screaming, you need a healthy time out. you dont want it to be punitive or punishing, but for the best of both of you. she, likely, will protest, immensely, and blow up your phone. but you need to both be at your emotional best for any conversation between the two of you to be constructive.

5. bringing this back to realistic expectations, find your emotional center, ask yourself if your expectations of her are realistically going to be met, ask yourself if these things are deal breakers, act accordingly.