Does Anyone Else's Ex Do This?

[Mergirl]

My ex broke NC over the weekend to see if I was still alive. It had been almost a month of no contact. I called and we spoke.

But now the past few days, she calls only when she's stressed, crying, upset, suicidal, etc. Exactly the same pattern as when we dated.

But every single time now, I receive a text afterwards, usually the next day saying she's sorry she called. Every single time.

I have no idea what that means. She regrets calling? She regrets taking up my time knowing I'm in a very bad situation myself? Oh, and never have I been asked if I'm ok (just alive. Not the same) , where I am, etc. It's always been one sided in that respect but it's getting really hurtful since I'm not ok but still can't feel like I can ever turn to her in reciprocation. When I tried is when she left.

Again, I don't know about the diagnosis of this other than the others she has. Which is often co morbid with bpd as I've learned. But many symptoms are present.

Anyone else get an apology after they call with a problem? I'm the only one she has to talk to apparently.

Thanks.

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[Mergirl]

Guess I'm finally grasping that she doesn't and probably never cared about me or my well being. It's glaringly obvious. I'm just being used as a comfort just like before. Hurts like hell but I have to face facts I guess. I have to just let it go I guess. I know I deserve better. It may just be a while before I can find it unfortunately.

[babyducks]

there could be a lot of ways to read what "I'm sorry I called." means

It could mean I am sorry I bothered you.

It could mean I am sorry I am not respecting your space.

It could mean I am sorry I am not getting what I want/need taken care of.

It could mean I am sorry we had another unpleasant conversation.

It could mean I don't think its a good idea to continue these conversations but I can't stop myself.

It could mean all of the above.

there is no way to really know 100% for sure what another person is thinking.    have you tried asking her why she says that?

[Mergirl]

Hi babyducks,


No, didn't exactly get the chance. I don't think it was because the conversations were going badly. First one was ok and still got an apology later.

But each contact has been pretty much because something was happening and she needed a shoulder. Which has pretty much been my role.

That time it was mentioned on the phone. Sorry I bothered you.

I was trying to rescue again but didn't really know what to say or do to help and felt like I wasn't helping really.

Now getting the cold shoulder again, ignored responses to her calls and messages etc.

I think it's because she knows she's maybe using me and feels guilty about it but doesn't have many others to talk to.

Idk but I'm still backing off. Especially now. It sucks.

[Mergirl]

I really don't know what to do or what any of this means.

I get contacted when something happens. I do my best to listen and be there but I can't solve. Then I get an apology and ignored again.

Is it too late to ask now since I'm being ignored when I try to respond? I hesitate to ask because I'm already in so much pain I'm not sure what the answer will be or if I can handle it. I want to show her that I'm ready to be more open and communicative but not even getting the chance.

It's like she really regrets calling or texting each time? I'm not sure why?

It's been a few months since we've even seen each other. I would like togor sure but doesn't seem like I'll get the chance to.

[babyducks]

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you Mergirl.   I know this hurts.    I hope you are taking good care of yourself.    Make sure you do something nice for yourself each and every day.

She is in a lot of emotional pain.   She reaches out when something happens and she gets overloaded.     This isn't comfortable for her.   

[Mergirl]

Thank you for replying babyducks. I'm trying to take really good care of myself and attempting to piece my life back together bit by bit. It's so hard to focus on myself lately though. I know I need to but it's almost impossible at times.

I keep thinking that I did or said something wrong when she finally did reach out. I think she feels like I try to shift things back to me by telling her I can relate to and understand certain things that are happening to her right now.

Other than that I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong? She seems genuinely shocked every time I say anything that implies that I care deeply about her and her well being. It seems like she has it in her head that anyone who cares about her doesn't want her around anymore.

I do know she's in a lot of emotional pain. I wish I could see her one on one and talk about it. It's been a really long time since. But if she keeps regretting reaching out to me I feel like I can't push at all. I'm not sure I'll ever even get to see her again at this point.

When you say she's uncomfortable do you mean it's uncomfortable for her to contact me at all even when she needs someone? I don't know why it's me since I'm such a horrible person in her eyes and doesn't seem to care?

[babyducks]

these are not ordinary or normal relationships we find ourselves in.    they are emotionally loaded,  terribly fraught,...  it's almost impossible to be in this type of relationship and not be emotionally wounded by it.

there are real patterns to how these relationships develop and fall apart.   

one of the patterns is that sometimes we are the most wonderful people in the world,... we say something and it's wonderful,  we have found the love of lives and everything is great.     and then ...  usually very suddenly... something happens and we are the worst person in the universe.    everything is all our fault.   and we get accused of horrible stuff.     it gives us whiplash.     and it leaves us searching for what is really our fault and how to fix it.     we want to fix it so we can go back to being the most wonderful people in the world.

let's look at it.    I am sure you did and said things that you don't feel good about.   I know I did in the difficult moments in my relationship.    I wasn't the best communicator in the world.     

but there was something unhealthy about ALWAYS trying to figure out what I said wrong... how I could say it better.     I was taking too much responsibility for the relationship.   I was trying to hard to make her feel better.

what do you think?    any of that resonant for you?

[Mergirl]

Thanks babyducks.

Yes. Especially lately since I was contacted again after so long when I didn't think I would be.

I keep replaying the conversations in my head and what was said, how they went. I accepted the blame but also she wasn't sure if she should be blaming me. I made her mad and she doesn't understand why. Niether do I but I feel horrible.

I feel like I had a chance to be there for her and to prove that I've had a chance to think about everything and change. I made it clear I said things in anger and frustration and especially hurt that I was not proud of. I was told that certain things about me and my life right now were very triggering to her.

But no mention about her rage, kicking me to the street etc. I took her apologies in the phone to mean, I'm sorry to bother you. Because she knows I'm in a stressful situation already. Replaying the  conversation in my mind that's what it sounded like but then after the few times even that first pretty good conversation follows the text I'm sorry that I called.

Now nothing. No response to my last text a few days ago. No calls. Nothing. I was hoping that the lines of communication opened back up and now I'm being pushed away again. And I feel like it must be because I did a crappy job comforting her.

Now I don't know what to do. I want to apologize for not knowing what to say. But I'm also afraid of continuing to be ignored if I reach out. I mean, how does this work? Can I contact her since she already contacted me? I care so much and I've learned a lot. I want her in my life. Even though it's a hard time right now. I feel like she just really dislikes me so much and I don't know why. And if so why reach out when she needs someone.

Also, I was told my stuff was getting sent to me. It should have come by now and it didn't. I don't know why she would lie about that but I have no idea what to do about that now or why she would have lied about it.

I can't get use to not talking to her everyday. Not seeing her for months and possibly not ever having another chance. I don't know how to stop the bleeding here.

[Mergirl]

Does no contact mean they always have to do the contacting?

I know to her that probably feels like I don't care or I'm indifferent ornhappy about the break up but probably mostly, that I don't care.

It can't be that one sided right? Maybe that's why she's apologizing? I didn't reach out for a long time and didn't talk to her until she did? I gave her what she wanted though was to not talk to me anymore. Now I don't know if she regrets talking to me, if I'm making her mad again or triggering her or what.

I know I'm getting really hurt here though. For so many reasons.

[babyducks]

Now nothing. No response to my last text a few days ago. No calls. Nothing. I was hoping that the lines of communication opened back up and now I'm being pushed away again. And I feel like it must be because I did a crappy job comforting her.

pwBPD,  people who function at this level, have chaotic, conflict filled intense relationships.     there is a lot of push/pull.    there is a lot of I hate you don't leave me.   I love you go away.    it's confusing.   it's hard.  and it's hurtful.    serious question,... do you think anyone could have comforted her?    do you think it's some one's job to take care of her emotions?   some one other than her?

I mean, how does this work? Can I contact her since she already contacted me? I care so much and I've learned a lot. I want her in my life. Even though it's a hard time right now. I feel like she just really dislikes me so much and I don't know why. And if so why reach out when she needs someone.

yes there are real noticeable patterns with a pwBPD.    some behaviors and actions that seem to repeat over and over again.    that doesn't mean there is a rule book, or a play book that says If X Happens Do Y.   it would be nice if there were simple answers that always worked.     but there isn't.    there are suggestions that seem to produce results most of the time.     

take care of yourself first is one of them.    you have to be very secure in yourself and your own peace of mind to cope with the difficulties of a BPD relationship.  someone in a weak, depressed, or insecure place will be consumed by the relationship.

one of the best things I was told when I first got here is that I was over identified with my partners thinking and it was turning me into a pretzel.    it was very true.

Also, I was told my stuff was getting sent to me. It should have come by now and it didn't. I don't know why she would lie about that but I have no idea what to do about that now or why she would have lied about it.

is it time to protect yourself by reporting those items as lost... and request another copy?

[babyducks]

Does no contact mean they always have to do the contacting?

no contact means no contact from either side.    it's typically happens when the relationship gets so painful, and so hurtful one side or the other says "I can't take anymore" and shuts off the tap cold turkey.

when things have reached this stage things have collapsed.   no communication is possible.   neither side is able to talk to the other.

 

I know I'm getting really hurt here though. For so many reasons.

what are you doing to take care of yourself today?   are you eating?    sleeping?   getting outside for some sun and exercise?

[Mergirl]

Thank you.

I'm trying to take care of myself but it's becoming impossible. I'm getting sicker. Things with my illness ramping up and I'm all alone and still don't have a steady place to live at all since the last kick out a few months ago.

I still want to apologize. I'm afraid though that it will just be more confirmation to her that I'm a bad person and all of this was my fault. Or, it could soften her up a bit when I express my vulnerability. It's happened before but that's not always how she's responded. Sometimes it's with more coldness. And at this point it sounds like our whole relationship was one big trigger to her. But this not talking to her or even seeing her at all for months now it's getting harder for me. Now easier and the pain of that is becoming intolerable to me.

I don't know what I did or said wrong last time she reached out. Just ignored again and I was trying to help and was genuinely concerned for her and her family but obviously that wasn't received. It's been almost a week and I'm completely ghosted again. I don't know what I did or said wrong now or why she regrets reaching out to me again to the point of apologizing.

I finally wrote the letter earlier while in a hotel not feeling well enough to even move off the bed.

I don't know if it's ok to send or not. I'm not thinking clearly. She was the only one I had to talk to for a while. Now that's gone and I do need to talk. But I know I'm not supposed to call I guess. But I feel like maybe since I wasn't doing any of the reaching out last week, just her that she thinks or confirms in her mind that I'm self obsessed and don't care about her.

I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

She doesn't seem to understand or care the things she did or said to her me. Just what I did or said. I'm finding it impossible to accept that she doesn't care about my well being or safety at all.

I want to post the letter here to get people's views on it. I don't have anyone to confir with for counsel at the moment. In the past I would talk to my friends and have them read and get their thoughts but I can't do that now.

I'm afraid if I post it here I run the risk of it being found someday and then my cover will be blown.

I don't know what to do. I feel like doing and saying nothing is a mistake and making her feel like I don't care. I know what she did to me was worse but I do feel true remorse about my part of things and how I handled it. I tried to express some of it but I didn't get out everything I needed to.

I have no idea how this letter would be received. I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing.

I need her now. That's all I know and I want to say something. But I know that comes with a lot of risks since I'm already being ignored apparently. Maybe she thinks by not reaching out that I'm ignoring now. Or maybe despite what she says there is someone else.

I'm so so confused. 

[Mergirl]

My stuff still hasn't come which means she lied about sending it. There is no other explanation.

I got a new copy of one of them but it's not something that one would feel comfortable someone having that info. I guess I have no choice now but to report it lost. I can't report stolen otherwise if the authorities contact her in pretty sure that wouldn't end well for me.

I can't believe she lied. And that was the reason supposedly that she reached out that day. To ask if I got it and told me it was on the way.

I don't even know what to think about that. Why even do that?

[once removed]

I don't know what to do. I feel like doing and saying nothing is a mistake and making her feel like I don't care.

this may be anxiety talking.

anxiety tends to tell us that we must act at any cost.

any time i ever acted on it, i regretted it. i had good counsel when my ex broke up with me, every time i was tempted to reach out. loved ones told me that i could reach out any time i wanted. i had full power to do that. but that now probably wasnt the best time.

you want to be sure about whatever you do. i can also tell you that its usually less critical that we act than we think at the time. the other party usually is not thinking the things we assume that they are.

[Mergirl]

So I shouldn't send the apology? I just had bad dreams last night about trying to talk to her and her ignoring me or telling me she can't deal with me right now in front of a group of people. And then dreams of us cuddling and her telling me she doesn't really mean the cold things she said before.

When we finally spoke last week she sounded a little cold and angry still at first and then blamed me for things and making her stressed out and then she told me she wasn't sure she should be blaming me. She was upset and crying. She told me I was basically self centered. She seemed to soften when I started taking responsibility and apologizing and expressing regret for those things. But we didn't really get that deep into it. Then we just spoke about regular stuff after a while.

When she has reached out a couple times since I feel like she still thinks I put the focus back on myself. I really didn't and I didn't even when we were together. I actually became so focused on saving her that my issues got pushed to the side and I couldn't afford to do that. Mine are pressing and include just basic human needs for survival.

I at least wanted to apologize for not knowing what to say or maybe saying the wrong thing when she did call looking for support.

I wish I could post the letter to get people's thoughts but too risky. If she does have bpd, she might know and never told me or she doesn't know. Either way, if I post the letter here and she finds her way here I can't risk her seeing it.

But I agree. I'm extremely anxious. Especially since NC was broken and it was hard for me to wait for that. Very very hard. And now she's not talking to me again. It's like a punch in the gut and now my anxiety and missing her etc is even worse.

I don't know when will be the right time but I really need to get this off my chest with her. I don't even have a support system to advise me at all. That's why I'm here.

[babyducks]

So I shouldn't send the apology?

what are you apologizing for?    something new?   

She seemed to soften when I started taking responsibility and apologizing and expressing regret for those things.

you've apologized.    I am confused why you would apologize again?   

[Mergirl]

Well, I guess it doesn't matter anymore.

She called me again the other day both during and after another suicide attempt. Seems to still be the only time she reaches out to me.

Apparently, she thought I had found a place to live since she kicked me out. I told her I have not. I listened once again as she overdosed and told me not to call the ambulance again and blamed me for doing so last time. That being put again in the psych ward just made her even worse and more dead inside.

I had expressed remorse for things I did and said during the relationship in anger and hurt. I told her I had thought a lot about it and felt horrible.

Later, she was feeling sick from the 3rd failed attempt in two days and was scared. Asked me to come over to help. I was pretty far away and explained it would take me a while to get there but I would. The drive was long and when I was almost there she called and told me she didn't want me there in a very cold and cruel way. I explained that she asked me to and I was already almost there and she was frustrated and said she guessed I had to come now.

Basically, I tried to take care of her after she admitted that she trash talked me to her friends and family. I couldn't do or say anything right. She started critizing me from the beginning. How I looked, how I tried to comfort, the fact that she was falling asleep and talking and I was just trying to sit with her and listen to her etc. Once again, nothing I did was good enough and I wasn't helping her the way she needed. It was like she wanted me to be an emergency room doctor and know exactly what to do to make her feel better.

She got more and more angry and criticizing everything I was doing. She started accusing me of just using her and taking advantage of her because I needed somewhere to live. That my chronic illness isn't real and I'm a liar and con artist who preys on people ( this is what she did to me)

She was being so mean to me and when I tried to defend myself and defuse of course I found myself getting angry even though I told myself that I would know how to handle these situations better now. I really didn't because nothing I did or said matter. Things escalated and she told me to get out of her apartment again.

Arguing continued over the phone after I left and again she accused me of leaving her. Of being a narcissist. A liar and fraud. Oh and before I left, she gave me my stuff that she told me she had mailed two weeks before.

More was said and happened. I may post about it in another thread. Very very hurtful things were said and she blocked me so I couldn't defend myself and explain that she was wrong. It never matters anyway. She was questioning everything and kept degrading me saying I'm homeless and sick and insulted by dead mother etc.

I'm so hurt all over again. I tried so hard to help her and I realize now that's all she wants me around for. I didn't want to believe it but now I don't have a choice. She had asked me to help her with something the next day and it would have taken up all my day and energy which I have very little of since I'm still very sick myself but she wasn't concerned with that at all. It was like she thought I was miraculously better or she didn't even care to ask and just assumed I had lied to her about being sick from the beginning.

Then she berated me for not helping her the next day after I explained that I wasn't going to help her if she was going to treat me that way. All I was asking for was just basic respect but the abuse kept coming and she still expected me to help her when I'm in a bad situation myself to figure out.

So now I'm blocked again and she thinks all of these wrong things about me again. She called me horrible things and said the most horrible things to me. Things that cut deep. Even deeper than when she threatened my life one time. And she now claims not to remember that after admitting she did before.

Then I get the call with her crying and I feel bad and say I'm still going to help her etc. She was overdosing again and was admitting that she is really sick and not thinking clearly and just wants to die etc. Then yesterday morning the last fight again and that's when she said things to me that I can't even repeat here. Said I was disgusting etc.

She's determined to die tho. Or at least seems that way with me. Yet fakes she's ok with everyone else. The attempts are real though. I know that for sure.

Anyway, yeah. Knife in the heart again. I tried so hard. I dropped everuthing again to help her. Then even after I blocked her I get the voicemail of false accusations again. I stole her credit card, I hit her, I'm harassing her, etc. I had to laugh at all of these but it's really not funny.

People warned me to stay away. I didn't listen and now I'm paying the price. I'm devestated.

Why do I think she thinks all of these wrong things about me? And if I could just get her to listen I can get through to her that she's wrong and that in really who I said I was?

I realize now that the relationship is truly dead and won't be resurrected. Or even a friendship. We had been communicating so well on the phone but she was still just basically calling when she was attempting and scared. She admitted she can't tell anyone else when this is happening and had to pretend everything is fine with everyone else or they will leave her again.

I want to tell her how much she was wrong. The most hurtful things she said involved me faking my illness for attention. I wish that were true. I thought as a nother sufferer or chronic illness she truly understood. She even expressed to me the night before that she really did believe me when it came to my illness and really tried to help and educated herself. Yet the next day I was a liar and con artist and was just trying to get back into her apartment because I need somewhere to live. (Nothing could be further from the truth)

I'm so hurt. It's like she is possessed. Yet everything is still my fault. She kept saying I thought you said how sorry you were and you haven't changed. But I didn't instigate or provoke at all. I was just there but when someone keeps putting you down and telling you you're not doing what they need but then will not tell you what they want getting angrier and angrier. There's no reasoning with her. I told her I needed to know exactly what she wanted me to do to help her. I tried everything I could think of. None of it was what she wanted but still would not tell me what that was even after hours of fighting.

Sorry for the length of this. Some of you know my story. I'm just at a loss now. Worst thing is, if she really does follow through with the suicide and I've tried everything I could to stop her at this point, I probably won't even know she's gone. I'll just never hear from her again. And her friends and family all think I'm the mentally ill one, liar, "crazy", con artist, etc. I never got to meet any of her friends. Just a close family member and that person thinks I'm crazy too.

I don't know how I'm ever going to heal from this now. I need someone to tell me that trying to get to talk to her to tell her she's wrong about me would be a mistake. At this point I would only be able to ask her through email or leave a voicemail since I'm blocked from everything. I know if I do though she would just accuse me of harrassment again.

This has got to be something more than bpd.

I asked her why she can be nice to everyone else and respect everyone else but not me. I never got an answer and I know I never will. She never cared. I was just someone to use for what she needed.

There's more to this or course but this is the update. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm scared and hurt and just. Idk. So hurt. I hate being judged wrongly and this person has done it from the beginning.

[babyducks]

Mergirl,

the dynamic between the two of you is very unhealthy.   the situations you describe are horrifying and upsetting.     the behavior you describe is spiraling down and out of control.

You need to be the one who makes the healthy decision of stopping this dysfunction.    Do you think you can do that?

Very very hurtful things were said and she blocked me so I couldn't defend myself and explain that she was wrong. It never matters anyway.

I am going to be blunt here.     Defending yourself is not going to matter in the ways you hope too.   You are not going to be able to convince her of what a good person you are.     This is how she keeps you hooked.    Running to her aid to 'prove' you are a good person.    It allows her to pass the responsibility for her helping herself, her reaching out to appropriate mental health sources onto you and then blame you when you don't 'fix' her.    This is sick behavior.   You should not participate in it.    Enabling her to pass responsibility to you for her mental health is not helping her.    It's allowing her to continue in unhealthy ways.

since I'm still very sick myself

are you taking care of yourself?  are you working towards getting into safe and secure housing?   what about a therapist for you?    are you looking into that ?

Then I get the call with her crying and I feel bad and say I'm still going to help her etc. She was overdosing again and was admitting that she is really sick and not thinking clearly and just wants to die etc.

this is very distressing.  this is very serious.   and you are not equipped to deal with it.    professional help is the only way this is going to stop.  both for you and for her.   please think about contacting the local mental health telephone line so they can coach you on how to handle these threats.

  Then even after I blocked her I get the voicemail of false accusations again. I stole her credit card, I hit her, I'm harassing her, etc. I had to laugh at all of these but it's really not funny.

what happens if she takes these accusations to the authorities?   

None of it was what she wanted but still would not tell me what that was even after hours of fighting.

spending hours fighting is NOT good.   it allows her to dump a lot of her negative emotions and feelings of anger and hurt onto you.   it might give her some reprieve from her emotions to blame you but it's an extremely maladaptive coping tool.    please do not let these fights go on for hours.   it only deepens the wounds for both of you.

I am sorry you are going through this.   Still it is up to you to make better choices about how or when you engage.    Doing the same things over and over will get you the same results.    Running to her aid has gotten you hurt several times over.    Can you put your energy into helping yourself?

'ducks

[Mergirl]

Babyducks,

I agree. Horrifying and unhealthy. I've been trying to process but just can't. It's been a little over a week since the last contact where I explained how it went down here.

There's been one attempt from her to contact me since. It was a call. I didn't respond to it and I don't know what she wanted. It was hard for me not to respond and ask.  But I know in my heart it wasn't for her to apologize for the things she said that I don't think I will ever be able to get over. No one one has ever said such vile and hateful things go me before esp during the worst time of my life when I'm already so weak and just at rock bottom. I suspect that it was probably to ask me for something or to vent to me. I became anxious (even more so) and very scared when I saw the missed call. Maybe it was to tell me she made good to file something based on false accusations. I really don't know. I strongly feel like if it's not a sincere apology than it doesn't matter the reason. There's no doubt in my mind now that she doesn't care about me and never did. And that's not going to change.

So yeah, in staying away now I guess I am stopping the dysfunction. But it hurts bad. I miss her and what could have been. I feel like I lost motivation to pull myself back up.

I'm trying to find housing and create a better situation for myself but I don't have the help that I need. I don't know why I thought I could help someone else. I truly did try though.

I know she will never see it and thinks the complete opposite of me. I know now that I can never change that but I'm finding it very very hard to live with.