Hi, all. This is my first post here. I’m listing myself as broken up, but I’m not really sure if I’m reading him correctly-hence this post.
Some backstory:
My so’s dog has cancer. He was trying chemo, but has stopped that course of action as the cancer is back. This is his first dog and I know he’s devastated.
He and I have known each other for many years as friends. He has made some overtures over the years, letting me know he wanted something more with me. It was never the right time for me, but we stayed friendly-there were no hard feelings on either side.
He has been in therapy for years (he’s dx BPD), is medicated and self aware. I’ve done quite a bit of research, for my part, and am familiar in my own right w C and DBT (I’m dx cPTSD and GAD-have also been in therapy for years.).
I’ve been told that I’m ‘the love of his life’ by someone who he’s spoken to about me that he was close with. Not sure I buy that, but I’m personally aware that he had a crush on me for many years (at least 15), before we actually dated. Dated briefly last year & got back together this year. He reached out some months back and we did the friend thing for a while before rekindling. Been together again for a few months. Things have been good. Steady, although a bit awkward at times because we are awkward people,
. I can see him controlling the desire to ‘love bomb’ and idealize me and working to build slowly.
Here’s my issue-what I’m looking for advice about:
For the past week, after he got the news from the vet that cancer is back, he’s avoiding me, physically.
We’ve still been in contact daily via phone and text. I miss him and want to be there for him...but he can’t/won’t let me. It sucks. I did see him for a bit this past Sat nite. It had been almost a week. We had a bit of a kerfuffle, very mild, mostly my insecurity about not being able to DO anything for him. I’m a ‘fixer’ when I care-he isolates when he’s stressed. Which I get—I do the same sh*t. Didn’t realize how hard it was for those that care for me until now...
So, he’s asked that I give him physical space right now so he can just be there for doggo. Saying he’ll call me when everything is over.
That kind of hurt. Felt like a rejection. Which I realize is a bit of a selfish feeling. But, I’m human. I ended up leaving, sleeping on it and shooting him a text Sunday, telling him that I understand and that I absolutely respect the fact that he needs to be there for his best friend and it was not my intention for us to have words the night before, I was trying to get him to let me in and obviously failed.That I clearly heard his need for space right now and that I will respect it. That I’m here when he needs a friend.
He responded pretty quickly, less than an hour later, saying he knows my intentions are good and asking me to please understand that he has to do this. Also making the point that his buddy is jealous of the attention he gives me (pup HAS become a bit jealous of me in the past month...) That he’s sad that I’m hurt and he would be too, if the shoe were on the other foot.
I replied, since he was responsive, reiterating how much respect I have for him doing the right thing for his boy. That I know he’s heartbroken and I see him trying to put on a ‘happier’ face for me and how difficult that must be for him. That I’ll get over the bit of hurt and appreciate him not wanting to hurt me. I told him that first and foremost, I always want to be his friend and will be there when he needs me.
So, to those of you with more experience in BPD relationships than I, am I handling this correctly?
I’m not sure what’s going on with us and I don’t want to push too hard or not enough. He is going to need a friend after and I don’t want him to drift into totally isolating himself. What can I do?
