Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 02:44:12 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Break - up  (Read 331 times)
Polly Anna
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Cyclical relationship , he lives in same house but separate from wife . Discarded me recently when I tried to move into deep wounds of his .
Posts: 1


« on: June 17, 2020, 03:08:41 AM »

I was married for 36 years to a man with bipolar disorder. I lost him to  cancer 6 months after diagnosis - a nightmare journey after which one of my husbands unhappily married friends gradually moved into a place Of helping me and supporting Me and making me seem visible For the first time in many years  . I knew this person through my husband and psychologically was drawn to him as he had lost his son to suicide two years earlier. To cut a long story short this man has BPD and I have had a relationship with him on and off for four years. I love him more than I’ve loved anyone but each cycle or relationship has been more one sided and each break up more painful . He has Now stopped communication entirely and I know I must not be tempted to reignite the relationship at some stage as I have done in the past  . I have a codependant nature and am a health professional. I have studied BPD a great deal but the suffeting remains hard to get through. I am in my early 60 s .
I would like to hear from someone who has suffered similarly.
Logged
Gemsforeyes
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1130


« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2020, 06:31:12 AM »

Hi Polly Anna-

Welcome to our community.  I’m very sorry for the loss of your husband, and very sorry for the pain and confusion that you’re suffering in this relationship.  I do understand, truly.

I am 62, and in February 2020 I left (for the FINAL time) a 6.5-year relationship with a man with BPD/NPD.  And yes, I loved him more than I loved my exH, or any other man in my life.  He was beautiful and talented and we laughed so much. 

But now that I’ve been out and have come to understand more about the narcissistic aspects of his behavior, I’m quite confused about what he actually contributed... was I ever really happy with him?  Or was I constantly struggling to keep his rage under control?

And the nice things he did FOR me were NOTHING compared with the CRUEL things he did TO me.  And once I really really saw the extent of the lies, the gaslighting, the narcissism, and he had his final RAGE at me when I asked a simple question; I finally told myself “I just cannot.  No.  No more...”.  And I thank my lucky stars and GOD daily that I wasn’t stuck in quarantine with him.

My friend.  You can see this an an opportunity, I hope.  Maybe, just maybe it’s time to look at what you truly WANT instead of tippy toeing around the mental health needs of someone.  From my experience, my 62-year old exBF pledged over and over to get help... never happened and on his way out he saw fit to include screaming obscenities about my therapy.  Way to go fella.  Bye bye!

What would you like to do?  What kind of man would you *CHOOSE*? 

Or would you like to spend some time with girlfriends for a time?

Are there hobbies that you’ve not pursued because you’ve been the caretaker of other’s emotions and needs?  Maybe, just maybe it’s time for you.  You.

And you say you’ve got a codependent nature.  So... what do you *feel*?  About all of this?  What did this man bring into your life?  You know your side, what was HIS side?  What is it you believe you love about him?

I learned a very long and painful lesson.  Twice.  I could not love a man to wellness.  And I cannot change that.  Sad but true.  And now I’m trying to at least appreciate, if not love myself.

You are visible to me.  Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
Logged
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2020, 10:20:21 AM »

Hey Polly Anna, Welcome!  Most of us Nons have codependent tendencies, because in my view you sort of have to be codependent to be in a r/s with a pwBPD.  It runs with the territory.  It also means we have the ability to put up with a lot of unhealthy behaviors that others would probably run from.  The first step, I suggest, is returning the focus to you and your needs.  If you are like most of us, you have likely put the needs of your BPD SO first.  Now it's time to get back to making yourself the priority.  Be kind to yourself.

I was previously married to a pwBPD for 16 years and am quite familiar with the cycles you mention.  In my view, you are fortunate to be out of an unhealthy situation, though I'm sure it doesn't feel like that at the moment.

Are you hoping for a recycle?  If so, many of us (including me) have done that, too, only to wind up in the same place farther down the road, except with more pain.

LuckyJim



Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!