I'm still struggling...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Guys im a month out and still not doing any better.

Finding this sub has given me some comfort but i keep regressing back to my doubt. The doubt of wondering if im the one who messed it up. And the doubt of who she was if not the gentle and devoted soul instead of the cruel being who discarded me like an object.

And that discard still shocks me. It was completely out of the blue 1st of all, esp considering just the day before she offered to fly me out to her country, as a testiment of her love. (We were doing LDR for 2 months at that point)

And she was a completely different person through the breakup. There was no respect. No love. No compassion. Just rolling of her eyes at my begging and laughing at my plea. This was the same woman who for weeks had been telling me she loved me and planned a future together. It was as if a switch had turned off in her and in turn i became even more indignified by the shock she caused. Kept texting and begging while she either ignores me or tells me she will block me, and that one reason she is not doing so is because i might turn stalker (What?).

I ask her for compassion and maybe she offers it momentarily then back to rudeness. 

Then shes on a weekend trip couple days later with a new dude. Ofcourse. Ofcourse. Even lies to guilt trip me that shes texting from the danger of the night forest when in truth she is in her room charging her phone. But the guy must not be keen on her. Shes complaining about it the next day and chats me up as tho we havent broken up. The day after shes downright pissed. With the guy, and with me for trying to somewhat flirt.

After coming home she cries to me on the phone. Turns out the guy was rude to her. But realizing the real reason i get angry. Then she blocks me. ('FU! im gonna stay single for the rest of my life!')

Next day i am even more angry because i see what i should have seen earlier- that she dumped me for this guy and emotionally cheated with him while stringing me along.

I get so angry i lost it. Threatened her with a smear campaign. To ruin her name at her work. She was so scared she disabled all her social media and changed her phone. And me so ashamed from that i still wanna be forgiven at this moment. It was an empty threat designed to get you to admit to my suspicion. Im sorry. 

Now I tried to write this as objectively as possible but the bottom line is i was heartbroken and she didnt seem to care. And checklisting for cluster b disorders does explain her extreme behavior but im no psychologist. I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt. The doubt that she could be ok and it was all a forced reaction how she was to me, and that a lot of the fault is mine leading up to the discard. And these thoughts do stall the process of moving on, i know, but its a price im paying for still caring deeply about her... Because I'd rather keep love and feel pain, instead of having just lies.

Thank you for reading and i appreciate any input.

[Thebiglimp]

Guys im a month out and still not doing any better.

Finding this sub has given me some comfort but i keep regressing back to my doubt. The doubt of wondering if im the one who messed it up. And the doubt of who she was if not the gentle and devoted soul instead of the cruel being who discarded me like an object.

And that discard still shocks me. It was completely out of the blue 1st of all, esp considering just the day before she offered to fly me out to her country, as a testiment of her love. (We were doing LDR for 2 months at that point)

And she was a completely different person through the breakup. There was no respect. No love. No compassion. Just rolling of her eyes at my begging and laughing at my plea. This was the same woman who for weeks had been telling me she loved me and planned a future together. It was as if a switch had turned off in her and in turn i became even more indignified by the shock she caused. Kept texting and begging while she either ignores me or tells me she will block me, and that one reason she is not doing so is because i might turn stalker (What?).

I ask her for compassion and maybe she offers it momentarily then back to rudeness. 

Then shes on a weekend trip couple days later with a new dude. Ofcourse. Ofcourse. Even lies to guilt trip me that shes texting from the danger of the night forest when in truth she is in her room charging her phone. But the guy must not be keen on her. Shes complaining about it the next day and chats me up as tho we havent broken up. The day after shes downright pissed. With the guy, and with me for trying to somewhat flirt.

After coming home she cries to me on the phone. Turns out the guy was rude to her. But realizing the real reason i get angry. Then she blocks me. ('FU! im gonna stay single for the rest of my life!')

Next day i am even more angry because i see what i should have seen earlier- that she dumped me for this guy and emotionally cheated with him while stringing me along.

I get so angry i lost it. Threatened her with a smear campaign. To ruin her name at her work. She was so scared she disabled all her social media and changed her phone. And me so ashamed from that i still wanna be forgiven at this moment. It was an empty threat designed to get you to admit to my suspicion. Im sorry. 

Now I tried to write this as objectively as possible but the bottom line is i was heartbroken and she didnt seem to care. And checklisting for cluster b disorders does explain her extreme behavior but im no psychologist. I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt. The doubt that she could be ok and it was all a forced reaction how she was to me, and that a lot of the fault is mine leading up to the discard. And these thoughts do stall the process of moving on, i know, but its a price im paying for still caring deeply about her... Because I'd rather keep love and feel pain, instead of having just lies.

Thank you for reading and i appreciate any input.

[once removed]

Just rolling of her eyes at my begging and laughing at my plea.

one month is not a long amount of time to recover from a traumatic breakup.

i dont even want to tell you where i was at one month. ask anyone who was around me though, and theyll tell you that i was a basket case, and that they wondered if id make it.

The doubt of wondering if im the one who messed it up. And the doubt of who she was if not the gentle and devoted soul instead of the cruel being who discarded me like an object.

i can also tell you that at one month, doing the post mortem on the relationship is mostly just immensely painful. you dont gain a ton of real insight, you just beat yourself up.

there will come a time when these things make sense to you. that time will come as you detach from the wounds. where there are valuable lessons to be learned from a relationship gone bad, rather than who "messed it up". where she wasnt the gentle and devoted soul, or a cruel being, but really somewhere in the middle.

youre having a hard time now. it will get better. it may not be soon. in fact, it may even get worse before it gets better. but it will get better.