I have cut all contact and it’s a huge scary struggle

[Babyfangs]

I was on and off with my ex girlfriend for the last year. It was long distance. And I did some tv work that she was rejected for and I got the role which thrust our relationship into the public eye after the show aired and created a lot of stress and pressure for us.
I have consistently caught her out lying so can no longer trust her to be faithful or even honest about small every day things.
We have broken it off quite a few times but she’s very charming and my love language is words of affirmation (which she of course knows and uses to her advantage)
Every time I told her anything about myself my gut instinct would say- she’s going to use that against you, or to manipulate you. And she did.
I constantly felt judged in a very passive aggressive way that I could never confront her about without her getting aggressive and feeling attacked.
My ex before her was exactly the same (though undiagnosed) whereas my recent ex is formally diagnosed and with severe ptsd also.
I have broken up with her seriously through different mediums now as haven’t seen her since Covid- so phone, email, etc and have consistently had to block her from contacting me as she does not accept the breakup and I’ve also obviously taught her that I will give in eventually if she works hard at it.
I’ve never felt such low self worth in my life.
I know I’m a good caring person.
But I can not allow the way she treats me to continue any longer and I’m very strong in my boundaries so after a few weeks of a sort of “friendly” blissful reconnections, we are back to all the bad behaviours that obviously never really left (she says she’s taking medication to help her anxiety and depression but I can’t say I believe her as I’ve found out so many lies lately)
I finally snapped whilst she was yelling at me over the phone and hung up and blocked her on every outlet and for the past few days she has called me relentlessly from a blocked number, created fake social media accounts to try different tactics to get me to talk to her.
I’ve done a lot of research and realised how doomed and toxic the relationship is and I feel a strong sense of closure in that sense but because of the constant calling and messaging I am feeling anxious and scared. And sad. And low and ugly.
It’s just so much to process.

I’m glad I got this out though, any insight into similar experience would be amazing.

[l8kgrl]

Hi Babyfangs,

Good for you for getting out and for blocking. It's hard to do, really hard. I'm sure you're having all kinds of emotions. It's such a rollercoaster and can take quite awhile for the fog to start clearing and to see things more objectively. (I'm 4 months out and still getting there...but feel SO much more like myself already - there is lots of hope!)

Just be kind to yourself. Do you have someone else you can call if you start feeling tempted to reach out to her? Things you can do to take care of yourself? Withdrawal from these toxic relationships can be like withdrawal from a drug, literally. So having a good support system and plan helps!

Keep reaching out to the group here. We all get it and there's lots of love and wisdom shared. I'm sorry for what you've been through but glad you're here!

[Babyfangs]

Thank you so much for replying, it means so much to me. She’s finally stopped contacting me so now I’m just going through the motions of withdrawal from that even though it was giving me anxiety! It’s so crazy that I can feel so scared of her and also miss the toxic break up make up push and pull dynamic. I have strong rituals and healthy self care tactics in place which help me a lot but I’m so grateful that you responded and encouraged me to keep talking. I feel so much less alone just reading everyone else’s experiences.

[once removed]

We have broken it off quite a few times

i dont ask this flippantly: what has changed this time?

lots of relationships recycle. the more frequently they do so, the more damage is done, the more trust is broken.

what has moved you to the position of being done?