New beginning.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's been a week and a half since I left my exbph.. think that's the right abbreviation.  He's left me voicemails, text messages, has called.  I admit that every now and then I take the bait and text him back.  Still thinking if I tell him how I feel that he'll understand.  He says he does, but it's all a lie and I find I get angry all over again.  So I stop.

I told my girlfriend that this time, I am making it stick.  There is no going back.. ever.  I have no more love to give him.  I have no more desire to try to understand his illness, hear his excuses for the way he treats me.  I no longer have it in me to just let him "vent" as he calls it.  In one of his texts messages he said something about.. you fight back, that's new.

Right before I left.. he tore into me.  He ripped my heart to shreds.  Even made me feel bad for coming from a good home.  I was sitting there, crying so hard and he just kept going. 

I know that he wants to keep the line of communication open because he feels like he can talk his way out of this.  What he doesn't realize is that I've been emotionally and mentally checked out of this relationship for months.  His behavior these past few months has just reassured me over and over that it's over. 

He kept saying that he thought we were doing good.  In my head, I snap back.. are you f,%$ing kidding me?  Doing good?  You call tearing me apart with your words while I sit there and cry uncontrollably right in front of you and you still keep going.. good?  It blows my mind.  His level of "good" still oozes with emotional, financial, physical, and mental abuse. 

I know in my heart that I'm done.  I have been hurt too much and I can't bear anymore.  It's time for a change.

[Frankee]

It's been a week and a half since I left my exbph.. think that's the right abbreviation.  He's left me voicemails, text messages, has called.  I admit that every now and then I take the bait and text him back.  Still thinking if I tell him how I feel that he'll understand.  He says he does, but it's all a lie and I find I get angry all over again.  So I stop.

I told my girlfriend that this time, I am making it stick.  There is no going back.. ever.  I have no more love to give him.  I have no more desire to try to understand his illness, hear his excuses for the way he treats me.  I no longer have it in me to just let him "vent" as he calls it.  In one of his texts messages he said something about.. you fight back, that's new.

Right before I left.. he tore into me.  He ripped my heart to shreds.  Even made me feel bad for coming from a good home.  I was sitting there, crying so hard and he just kept going. 

I know that he wants to keep the line of communication open because he feels like he can talk his way out of this.  What he doesn't realize is that I've been emotionally and mentally checked out of this relationship for months.  His behavior these past few months has just reassured me over and over that it's over. 

He kept saying that he thought we were doing good.  In my head, I snap back.. are you f,%$ing kidding me?  Doing good?  You call tearing me apart with your words while I sit there and cry uncontrollably right in front of you and you still keep going.. good?  It blows my mind.  His level of "good" still oozes with emotional, financial, physical, and mental abuse. 

I know in my heart that I'm done.  I have been hurt too much and I can't bear anymore.  It's time for a change.

[Frankee]

I'm going to keep using this as a log on my journey.  I have been doing research on domestic violence.  I have retired researching mental illness.  I was reading over some old posts from 2017.  I had to stop after a few.  It started to open old wounds and I had a mixture of emotions.  Anger was prominent.  Rage, hurt, sadness.  I also realized that things he was saying up till the day I left were things that he said years ago.  He doesn't know I've been posting for years.  Like a timeline of my growth.

I cried the other day when I was reading over my hospital papers.  Written all over them was assault.  Compression fracture, physical therapy, so many medications.  My heart broke and I could feel that snap all over again.  Remember laying on the floor face down, my 3 year old asking me if I was okay, unable to move, barely could breathe.  They didn't arrest him that day.  I went home that day after getting out of the hospital.  I was scared.  He had the kids, I could barely walk, let alone bend over, lift anything more than 2 pounds, I couldn't twist, even sitting down was a challenge.  I was drugged up on muscle relaxers and pain medication.  I missed work for two weeks, had to wear a back brace for months, had to have two doctors notes for work so I would be allowed to sit periodically.  I never went to physical therapy.  He thought it was just a way for the medical people to get insurance claims.  They gave me paperwork on domestic violence.  He found it and read it.  He cried and said how sorry he was.  He took care of me while I was temporarily disabled.  I started getting better and I could see the caretaker in him was slowly disappearing.  I still have issues with my back.  I feel I haven't healed properly.

He kept saying it was an accident.  He didn't mean it.  He was sorry, He never wanted to hurt me.  The reality is, that all of that could of been 100% avoided.  He lost his temper, his anger got out of control, he reacted so fast I was unable to do anything or even try to stop it from happening. 

I know that there is a deep amount of hurt and healing to be done.  It scares me.  Having to talk about it, cry over it, feel some much rage and not being able to fix what happened.  Then thinking of COVID19.  Remembering that there are people out there about to lose their homes, lost their jobs, have to stay in bad or unwanted situations.  Everything is so upside down right now.  I've been reading on the other boards about child custody, law, and such.  People on here who are fighting to see their kids, fighting to navigate the already slow court system.  It's an extremely overwhelming situation for everybody right now.

I am going to try to remind myself to be thankful of the strength I have gained, the insight I have learned, the self-awareness that has come to light, knowing that even after everything that has happened, I still have my heart in tact.  I feel it, trying so hard to heal and start shining that light again.  I believe that the best and most wonderful things come to us in life with a dedication to constantly improving ourselves.

[Lucky Jim]

I know in my heart that I'm done.  I have been hurt too much and I can't bear anymore.  It's time for a change.

Hey Frankee, It seems like you have reached a tipping point, which is a good thing.  I admire your courage to leave.  Abuse is unacceptable.  Put yourself first, for a change.  It sounds like you've been through a lot.  I suggest you practice self-love and self-compassion.  My task, as I understand it, is to love myself enough that I never again allow myself to be the object of anyone's abuse.  Perhaps the same could apply to you?  Hang in there.

LuckyJim

[Baglady]

Hi Frankee   

I've been following some of your journey and I'm simply in awe of your strength.  I'm so pleased to see you put yourself and your needs first for a change.  You do not and never did deserve any abuse.  In fact, you deserve much, much better.  It is painful to read about your injuries and even more painful to think that you had to go back and rely on the individual who inflicted those same injuries upon you for support and care. 

To strengthen your resolve during some future weaker moments (we all have them) - please think what your reaction would be if anyone inflicted those same injuries on your child or one of your parents or anyone else you love.  I think you would be understandably livid.  Please, please use that anger to protect and show love and concern to yourself going forward.

You have a virtual army here rooting for you every step of the way!   

Warmly,
B

[Rev]

Hi Frankee,

Wow - good for you and Godspeed on your journey.

No one should be abused. No one should be coerced. No one...

Big hugs to you.

Rev

[Frankee]

I admire your courage to leave.  Abuse is unacceptable.  Put yourself first, for a change.  It sounds like you've been through a lot.
LuckyJim

Thank you Jim.  I have been in a DV shelter for two weeks almost.  It's been difficult.  I am trying to push to get everything done asap, but I know with the virus going on, I'm going to have to try to be patient.

I've been following some of your journey and I'm simply in awe of your strength.  I'm so pleased to see you put yourself and your needs first for a change.  You do not and never did deserve any abuse.  In fact, you deserve much, much better.  It is painful to read about your injuries and even more painful to think that you had to go back and rely on the individual who inflicted those same injuries upon you for support and care. 

You have a virtual army here rooting for you every step of the way!   

Warmly,
B

Thank you B.  That really means a lot.  Especially after the rough night I had.  I thought of a recent fight my exbph and I were having and it spilled out and S9 got hurt emotionally by something exbph said.  And it opened the flood gates to feelings I have been avoiding.  Broke down and cried.  Mostly just letting some of the pain out to wash away.

Wow - good for you and Godspeed on your journey.

Big hugs to you.

Rev

Thank you Rev.  I find that posting on here has been therapeutic on a way.  I went to the gym today and when I got back, I was messaging a friend and we got talking about all of it.  I cried as I mentioned, but after calming down, wiping my face, and taking a few deep breaths, I feel better.  There is many more days and nights to come like that one.

As I sit here and think, my exbph said something to the degree of me finding someone else.  It just amazes me that he thinks I would just jump into another relationship.  I am struggling on a regular basis trying to find who I even am anymore.  The only things that matter in my life are my boys, healing, getting back on my own two feet, and getting my life back on track so I can take care of my boys and be the mom they deserve.

[Frankee]

My S4 came back today.  I met my parents halfway to pick him up.  We had a nice lunch and made it back by 4pm.  I tried to make the room a little nicer.  I bought him Batman sheets and I have his toys and got him a tablet to watch his shows and play games.  I'm going to do my best to make this new situation as easy for him as I can. 

I know that hard days are going to come.  When he will want to go home or see his dad.  I promise to myself that I am going to be patient, and be the mom he needs me to be in this trying time.  My oldest son comes home in another month.  I pray that he understands why I had to leave.  I will also do my best to be here for them.  It's going to be hard. 

What I have always hated about all of this is having to be the one ejected from my home.  I had to leave my home that I worked so hard to make into my own space and now we have to be squashed between two rooms where the moms aren't so nice and holler a lot. 

I don't want to be here, I don't want my boys to be here, I don't want them to have to listen to the yelling.  I left to get away from negativity.  I keep telling myself it's all temporary and I'll be d@mned if I mess it up this time.  I have to do my best to hold what's left of my family together in this difficult transition.

[Rev]

What I have always hated about all of this is having to be the one ejected from my home.  I had to leave my home that I worked so hard to make into my own space and now we have to be squashed between two rooms where the moms aren't so nice and holler a lot. 

Remind me, how old are your children - boys, girls?

You might be surprised by how much they understand about where you are but don't necessarily have the words.  What is it like talking with them now. 

One thing is for sure Frankee - your strength of character comes across in spades and that is something that children can sense intuitively.

Rev

Rev

[Frankee]

My boys are 4 and 9.  My 9 year old stayed with my parents for another month.  My 4 year old came back.  I'm not as concerned with the younger boy because he seems to just go with the flow, but my 9 year old like his routine and he will be more disrupted by the change.

I was relieved when I brought the little one back to the place.  He didn't even skip a beat.  He even helped me with my weekly chore of cleaning the dining room tables and cleaning the floors.  He even put a mask and gloves on and insisted on carrying something.  We played and roamed around the place.  He even fell asleep with eating his snack.  I already know not every day and night will be such a breeze.  He's going to start asking about things.

I haven't told my older son yet.  He worries a lot.  I want him to enjoy his time with his grandparents. I also know that he talks to his grandparents and is worried about the fighting. I am praying for a miracle that will get me my own place in the works by the time he comes back, but that might be wishful thinking. 

I think the best think I can do is show them how much better I am without my exbph.  I'm not going to be angry so much or have a quick fuse, or take stuff out on them when I am mad at my exbph.  I want to show my boys I am a better mom for then when I am not around him.  I can't control what my exbph does or say (never could) so I can only do my best to provide a better environment for them where they do not have to be fearful of the next big blowup.

[Rev]

 I already know not every day and night will be such a breeze.  He's going to start asking about things.

I haven't told my older son yet.  He worries a lot.  I want him to enjoy his time with his grandparents. I also know that he talks to his grandparents and is worried about the fighting. I am praying for a miracle that will get me my own place in the works by the time he comes back, but that might be wishful thinking.  

I think the best think I can do is show them how much better I am without my exbph.  

Hi Frankee...

Could I give  you some insight that you didn't ask for?  You are right that your boys will be asking questions.  I would suggest that the path forward is to answer those questions - as best as possible - when they say they are ready to hear the answer.

Example - Mommy - why are we not with Daddy anymore?
You - That is an important question.  How does it make you feel to ask it?
Him - Ummm... I don't know.
You - Sure. Big questions can make people confused. It happens to me all the time.  Do you feel afraid, or sad or mad when you ask it?
Him - afraid I guess.
You - Great - me too I can feel afraid. So I'll answer as best I can...

And then you begin to talk in small bits - your son will let you know when he's heard enough.  By paying attention to his core feeling, you don't bypass it, you address it because that impacts his thinking. This would be particularly true for the older one, the one you say worries.  He will need to be part of the solution - read up on the difference between consent and assent in ethics and you will see what I mean. He can't make all the decisions on his own, and he shouldn't be burdened by needing to choose things without help, but he can make his voice known. Think about talks like this as spiritual training wheels. This is how resiliency is developed.

This wanting to be part of the solution - this is what your younger son is showing you by helping with the chores - that's his way of saying that he wants to grow through this - mature through it.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job.

Be blessed. Be a blessing.

Rev

[Vincenta]

Hi Frankee,

Just to tell that I think about you.
How are you, and kids doing?

Hugs

[Frankee]

Thank you for asking    I am doing okay.  I talked to the DA and we set up a phone interview for Tuesday to discuss a protective order.  I'm nervous.  She said to allow two hours to speak to her.  I may do a separate post to get feedback.  I've never actually followed through with a protective order and I am trying not to let my guilt stop me.

I spoke with my counselor and she suggested talking to my oldest about doing counseling.  Maybe word it in a way where I ask him if he would like to be able to talk to someone besides myself or dad about his feelings.  I know him and I can talk, but I have a feeling he may only say things to me so he doesn't hurt my feelings or be taking sides.  He's a smart kid of very in-tune with feelings.  I am going to talk to him before he comes back and let him know daddy and I aren't going to be living together.  I briefly looked over consent and assent and it did clear things up for me.

I am trying to stay positive.  I've been meeting with my caseworker every week to establish goals.  My top goal is housing.  I am really hoping that I get the shorter end of the waiting list.  I know she can't do anything about it, but I make it clear that I am looking to stay there as short as possible.   She suggested I call the detective and the officer I talked to follow up on the status of things.  I don't know if they can still press charges for what happened back in January or if they would even want to.

I also flat out asked her, will I get in trouble if I let my ex see our youngest boy.  I told her I do not want to do anything that will get me ejected or in trouble with the shelter.  She told me that they can't control if we let them see their dads or if we don't.  This shelter seems very loose with their policies.  They do room checks, but every now and then.  They don't see to enforce noise curfew.  They have overnight requests available.  They have chores, but they don't seem to really monitor if they get done.  There hasn't been one house meeting.  I'm sure some women enjoy it, but I feel like some women are taking advantage and staying longer then they should be.  It just makes it hard for anybody else to get into the shelter that are really needing it.  I'm ready to get my own place so other women that were in my situation will have a place to go.

It's hard not to get sucked into this.. well if they don't care, then I don't care mentality being in a place like this.  The woman next door has 5 kids and every day I hear her screaming at her babies.  She has to be what looks like a newborn and there have been times where I was genuinely worried about what she was doing to those kids.  I am trying very hard to mind my own business.  I'm not there to control what other women are doing.  That's why I want to get out of there.  It's has such a strong negative vibe in that place.  I also don't want me kids to be subjected to anymore of that negativity.  I was trying to escape it.

One day at a time is all I can do.  Trying to hold it together and accepting the days where it seems to hurt so much.