On the brink of divorce and I'm grasping at straws.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Summary: I'm 33 y.o. male and my wife of 28 y.o. has only recently been diagnosed with BPD while attending couples therapy, after years of different issues and changing diagnoses. She decided to drop couples counselling shortly after and now she wants to proceed with a divorce - claiming that she loves me and that we may be together one day, but at the same time 'she cannot return to the relationship that she is still in'. I miss her dearly and I'm grasping at straws in hope to rebuild what we've once had.

Relationship history:
March 2014 - We met online and exchanged e-mails for about a month (I was abroad at the time)
April 2014 - We met IRL and started dating right away; I've been blown away by how good it all was; at the same time, early on I've been made aware of a history of abuse she experienced (she was raped at the age of 15) and the panic attacks she was experiencing from time to time because of that;
May 2014 - She told me she's pondering moving to another city and she needs a sign of commitment (i.e. moving in together) to stay. We've decided to move in together after she comes back from a trip to Australia.
Mid-May 2014 to early July 2014 - she went on a trip to Australia, once again we were exchanging e-mails and talking on Skype every day;
July 2014 - we have moved in together; in late July I have proposed to her and she accepted - we knew it will take time before we could become fully independent, but the plans of living (and growing old) together have repeatedly made their way into our conversations during her time in Australia

October 2014 - while I was away at a conference overnight, she had her first binge-and-purge incident in years - it was about that time that I was made aware of the history of eating disorders she had as a response to the abuse
October 2014 to January 2015 - her condition quickly deteriorated; bulimic episodes were accompanied by self-harm (cutting), and one of the latter were classified as suicide attempt at a hospital
February 2015 to June 2016 - stabilized on antidepressants, her condition gradually improved; the difficult times were behind us (or so we have thought); we were even more in love with each other than in the beginning, now aware that together we can handle pretty much anything the world throws at us.
July 2016 - she started experiencing some psychotic symptoms (hearing voices) and she checked into a hospital for a month
August 2016 to November 2016 - with a change in medication (now including anti-psychotic drugs) she was now once again stable and the things were back to how they were for the previous 1,5 year
December 2016 - with some eating disorder symptoms popping back, she decided to go into a rehab facility focused on ED treatment; she said she wanted to finally take care of the issue before we are going to get married;
January 2017-summer of 2017 - with the ED in check, we resumed working on our plans, things were improving once again
Summer of 2017: we got married in late August of 2017, renovating our flat from the ground up between June and October; we moved in while it was still WIP in September 2017;
September 2017 - November 2018 - easily the best time of my life; we got along great, spent plenty of time together, our financial situation and our careers were moving really well along with our relationship; we actually considered being married as better than anything that happened earlier on, during the dating/engangement/living together stages

November 2018 - one night she went out with with some new friends and forgot her key; I didn't hear the doorbell when she came back - and only in the morning I have found out that she went back to a friend's place and was raped by him
December 2018 - she told me that she cheated on me with the man who raped her after attempting to confront him about what he did; she felt as she betrayed me and wanted to move out at the time
January 2019-February 2020 - the assault kept haunting her, she was easily startled and became aggresive at times; she tried going to various therapists, but kept on changing/dropping them; as I found out later, she was acting out sexually during that time, several ONS with men, one prolonged affair with a woman;

Final months, therapy, break-up:
February 2020-March 2020 - she said she wanted a divorce, but I convinced her that we should try a couples counselling; one day in February she told me about the cheating/acting out and, a day before we were to start counselling, she sent me a text saying that she will come back in the morning and that she's sorry; I got furious and replied that if she won't come back home for the night, I want her to pack her bags the next day. She moved out but we've decided to still try counselling, even though it was pushed back because of the pandemic; after about two weeks of no contact we've started seeing each other, almost dating once again and reminiscing of the good times we've had. In late April we've started couples therapy, though the day before it started she told be she wants a divorce once again;

For the last two months it seemed like things were improving - we were getting closer with each session, working through some past issues nad contacting each other on the daily basis; she kept telling me that she misses me but when asked to come back, she said she was afraid to do so. It was the therapist who was meeting with the both of us that asked me if I know something about the BPD and if I ever considered my wife to be a pwBPD. I started to read up on BPD and plenty of what I read fit situations that I haven't understood before (e.g. her claiming that I 'understand her too well' or a tendency to extend her depression episodes over our whole time together, and then the time after the rape to be the 'good' times.

Two weeks ago we had a breakthrough moment at a therapy session and an amazing sex shortly after that. Later that day she came back, said she wanted a divorce, then retracted that in the evening and said that she was overwhelmed with what happened between us and wanted to protect herself by discarding me; We kept in touch for several days after that, then she got cold and distant once again about a week ago. Yesterday during the couples therapy she said that she hasn't changed her decision and that while she loves me, she's not able to go back to the relationship now and she wants a divorce. The plan right now is to have two quiet weeks to sort out various stuff and then meet to discuss the formal issues and proceed with the divorce.

The mixed messages of the past several weeks is something I'm struggling with in particular. She kept saying things like 'I love you, but I want to leave you', 'this may be the worst decision in my life, but I have to leave'. I'm terribly confused. I'm caving in when it comes to the divorce, but I still hope that we can somehow get back and work through the issues rather than discarding the relationship altogether (this is also a pattern I've seen for the last couple of years as she was rapidly changing her interests, career plans, even friends as soon as something went wrong in any of these areas).

[graspingatstraws]

Summary: I'm 33 y.o. male and my wife of 28 y.o. has only recently been diagnosed with BPD while attending couples therapy, after years of different issues and changing diagnoses. She decided to drop couples counselling shortly after and now she wants to proceed with a divorce - claiming that she loves me and that we may be together one day, but at the same time 'she cannot return to the relationship that she is still in'. I miss her dearly and I'm grasping at straws in hope to rebuild what we've once had.

Relationship history:
March 2014 - We met online and exchanged e-mails for about a month (I was abroad at the time)
April 2014 - We met IRL and started dating right away; I've been blown away by how good it all was; at the same time, early on I've been made aware of a history of abuse she experienced (she was raped at the age of 15) and the panic attacks she was experiencing from time to time because of that;
May 2014 - She told me she's pondering moving to another city and she needs a sign of commitment (i.e. moving in together) to stay. We've decided to move in together after she comes back from a trip to Australia.
Mid-May 2014 to early July 2014 - she went on a trip to Australia, once again we were exchanging e-mails and talking on Skype every day;
July 2014 - we have moved in together; in late July I have proposed to her and she accepted - we knew it will take time before we could become fully independent, but the plans of living (and growing old) together have repeatedly made their way into our conversations during her time in Australia

October 2014 - while I was away at a conference overnight, she had her first binge-and-purge incident in years - it was about that time that I was made aware of the history of eating disorders she had as a response to the abuse
October 2014 to January 2015 - her condition quickly deteriorated; bulimic episodes were accompanied by self-harm (cutting), and one of the latter were classified as suicide attempt at a hospital
February 2015 to June 2016 - stabilized on antidepressants, her condition gradually improved; the difficult times were behind us (or so we have thought); we were even more in love with each other than in the beginning, now aware that together we can handle pretty much anything the world throws at us.
July 2016 - she started experiencing some psychotic symptoms (hearing voices) and she checked into a hospital for a month
August 2016 to November 2016 - with a change in medication (now including anti-psychotic drugs) she was now once again stable and the things were back to how they were for the previous 1,5 year
December 2016 - with some eating disorder symptoms popping back, she decided to go into a rehab facility focused on ED treatment; she said she wanted to finally take care of the issue before we are going to get married;
January 2017-summer of 2017 - with the ED in check, we resumed working on our plans, things were improving once again
Summer of 2017: we got married in late August of 2017, renovating our flat from the ground up between June and October; we moved in while it was still WIP in September 2017;
September 2017 - November 2018 - easily the best time of my life; we got along great, spent plenty of time together, our financial situation and our careers were moving really well along with our relationship; we actually considered being married as better than anything that happened earlier on, during the dating/engangement/living together stages

November 2018 - one night she went out with with some new friends and forgot her key; I didn't hear the doorbell when she came back - and only in the morning I have found out that she went back to a friend's place and was raped by him
December 2018 - she told me that she cheated on me with the man who raped her after attempting to confront him about what he did; she felt as she betrayed me and wanted to move out at the time
January 2019-February 2020 - the assault kept haunting her, she was easily startled and became aggresive at times; she tried going to various therapists, but kept on changing/dropping them; as I found out later, she was acting out sexually during that time, several ONS with men, one prolonged affair with a woman;

Final months, therapy, break-up:
February 2020-March 2020 - she said she wanted a divorce, but I convinced her that we should try a couples counselling; one day in February she told me about the cheating/acting out and, a day before we were to start counselling, she sent me a text saying that she will come back in the morning and that she's sorry; I got furious and replied that if she won't come back home for the night, I want her to pack her bags the next day. She moved out but we've decided to still try counselling, even though it was pushed back because of the pandemic; after about two weeks of no contact we've started seeing each other, almost dating once again and reminiscing of the good times we've had. In late April we've started couples therapy, though the day before it started she told be she wants a divorce once again;

For the last two months it seemed like things were improving - we were getting closer with each session, working through some past issues nad contacting each other on the daily basis; she kept telling me that she misses me but when asked to come back, she said she was afraid to do so. It was the therapist who was meeting with the both of us that asked me if I know something about the BPD and if I ever considered my wife to be a pwBPD. I started to read up on BPD and plenty of what I read fit situations that I haven't understood before (e.g. her claiming that I 'understand her too well' or a tendency to extend her depression episodes over our whole time together, and then the time after the rape to be the 'good' times.

Two weeks ago we had a breakthrough moment at a therapy session and an amazing sex shortly after that. Later that day she came back, said she wanted a divorce, then retracted that in the evening and said that she was overwhelmed with what happened between us and wanted to protect herself by discarding me; We kept in touch for several days after that, then she got cold and distant once again about a week ago. Yesterday during the couples therapy she said that she hasn't changed her decision and that while she loves me, she's not able to go back to the relationship now and she wants a divorce. The plan right now is to have two quiet weeks to sort out various stuff and then meet to discuss the formal issues and proceed with the divorce.

The mixed messages of the past several weeks is something I'm struggling with in particular. She kept saying things like 'I love you, but I want to leave you', 'this may be the worst decision in my life, but I have to leave'. I'm terribly confused. I'm caving in when it comes to the divorce, but I still hope that we can somehow get back and work through the issues rather than discarding the relationship altogether (this is also a pattern I've seen for the last couple of years as she was rapidly changing her interests, career plans, even friends as soon as something went wrong in any of these areas).

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[KeepingHope]

I am sorry you are in this situation.  I know how much it sucks.  I am in a similar situation, my wife wBPD has moved out and filed for divorce.  We haven't spoken in over 2 months.

I don't have the answer, I am still working on that myself.   But I can give you a few tips.  Make sure to check the tools on this site.  You need to make sure you know what it takes to be in a relationship with someone wBPD.  There is a good one about that.  Also make sure you learn SET and Validation they will be very valuable to communicating, along with learning not to JADE.

Is she seeing a therapist?  Or any other treatments?  That can help a lot also.

Using these tools could turn around the situation and put you on a good trajectory.
 Keep posting here, there are a lot of knowledgable people that can help.

[graspingatstraws]

Thank you for your kind words, I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. I'll definitely read up more in the tools section.

She's seeing a therapist working in the schema therapy paradigm, she started very recently so it's hard to say what's the outcome of that.

[livednlearned]

It sounds like intimacy is frightening for her (engulfment?) so when you two are close she pulls away. Then, when things are distant, you can be light and breezy, which feels safer for her, so she moves toward you. You feel the intimacy, then she pulls away. Repeat.   

That's not uncommon for someone with BPD, unfortunately.

I agree with KeepingHope that the tools here are really helpful.

How are you feeling about seeing her in two weeks?

[graspingatstraws]

>How are you feeling about seeing her in two weeks?

Mixed. I try not to hope for anything beyond discussing financial stuff and her moving out, but I miss her dearly and it's hard to keep my composure. No contact definitely helps.

[livednlearned]

How's it going grasingatstraws?

These reunions can be painful. You holding up ok?

[graspingatstraws]

I'm OK. A couple of days before we were supposed to meet she has sent me a text saying that she's going on a trip abroad until the 20th of July and she'll be available starting then (i.e. tomorrow). It stung a bit as 20/07 is our engangement anniversary, but I'm trying not to think too much into it. I just wished her a nice trip and got back to full no contact. If she feels the rush to take the rest of her things and discuss formalities, she knows where to find me and I won't be chasing.

[Goosey]

So sorry for you both. It’s so painful and depressing to go through. It does get a bit better every day. Two steps forward and one and three quarters back on good days.  I did have a nice visit with distant friends. I enjoyed myself for a few hours and actually when someone brought up my situation about my separated wife I calmly asked if we could chat about anything but that. I have had enough of flogging myself and or analyzing the situation.  Of course I mull about it everyday but then I just think of the scathing responses I would get whenever I was being kind and helpful on the few items of ( supposedly)joint responsibility.
  She hates me now. And it’s all projection anymore. And I absolutely don’t deserve the abuse I get when we communicate. So I am learning to move on.
   She will be fine. Always seems to find a new partner. It’s hurtful sure but I have had enough of it. I deserve peace. We all do. It’s not like she will ever acknowledge the pain she caused this family so why should I care about her anymore.
  See it does get better.  She’ll be fine. So will I.

[Goosey]

Happy couples.
  I have to catch myself when I see a happy couple interact.
   It’s like magical.  No nasty comments. No belittling. No hostility. Just happy to be together.
  Oh I sure it’s not Disney world all the time I’m sure. But just that disarmed relaxed affection is stunning after years or apprehension of every moment together.
   Why do we subject ourselves to torment?  It’s love.
I loved my wife.  I just take solace in being patient and respectful to everyone I can. That’s all I can do now to get better and see there is hope for all of the people who deal with a partner who tore them down.

[graspingatstraws]

A bit of a tough time today, my Spotify feed has shown her listening to songs like "I will survive" or Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger" on repeat. The friggin' balls on this woman, posing as a 'survivor' after months of cheating, being violent and abusive... geez.

[Goosey]

I can relate.
  I was dumbfounded when the “green monster “  reared it’s head  in my head. How could I be jealous? I should be relieved.
   Well it’s over my pay grade to figure out. All I know is I can spend all day working or meeting people and no one is calling me scum.
   So what’s the common denominator in the chaos of family and friends the last several years?
  That’s not rocket science.   

[livednlearned]

she knows where to find me and I won't be chasing.

It sounds like you're taking a breather, letting her set the pace?

When you think of seeing her again, is there anything in particular that will be make it better for you? It might be a good time now, with some distance/time, to prepare for that interaction. What kind of outcome you want, for example.

[graspingatstraws]

It sounds like you're taking a breather, letting her set the pace?

When you think of seeing her again, is there anything in particular that will be make it better for you? It might be a good time now, with some distance/time, to prepare for that interaction. What kind of outcome you want, for example.

Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm aiming for. I was thinking about the question you've posed but it's hard to come up with something - and today she texted me that she wants to pick up some stuff tomorrow, asking if she can drop by.
Pretty much the only thing I want from tomorrow's morning is for it to be short and to the point - though if she could see that I'm doing OK without her and actually taking better care of myself than I had before, it would definitely give me some satisfaction, as low as it may sound.

[livednlearned]

Pretty much the only thing I want from tomorrow's morning is for it to be short and to the point - though if she could see that I'm doing OK without her and actually taking better care of myself than I had before, it would definitely give me some satisfaction, as low as it may sound.

The better you seem to be doing, the more likely she may want to get back together with you 

It seems to go that way altho of course there are always exceptions.

Sometimes it can help to have a touchpoint of sorts. Like a physical object you can look at to ground you, or something you can touch.

[graspingatstraws]

The better you seem to be doing, the more likely she may want to get back together with you 

It seems to go that way altho of course there are always exceptions.

Sometimes it can help to have a touchpoint of sorts. Like a physical object you can look at to ground you, or something you can touch.

Funny you should mention that. She dropped by to pick up some documents and we've talked for a while. I'm quite happy with the fact that I kept my cool, keeping the conversation light and funny. Speaking of funny: it's funny how in one moment she mentions looking for a new place and wanting to pick her stuff and in the other she compliments me on looking great and tells me how out of the loop in regards to current events she is without me telling her about all sorts of stuff. Oh, and in the first time since she moved out she has put on both her wedding ring and the engagement ring. Subtle xD Well, words and gestures are cheap, patterns of behaviour are what's important. Being aware of stuff like charming and general communication patterns of pwBPD helps A LOT in being clear-headed in these interactions.

[livednlearned]

It might be attempts to charm ... it might also be the push/pull of intimacy that can be present even in so-called normal people. In people who struggle with BPD traits this push/pull tends to be extreme.

With some people, if you pursue them emotionally, it can feel like engulfment and trigger flight behaviors. Once the pursuit is off, then the person feels it's safe and they can either counter pursue or at the very least not run away (figuratively).

I'm glad the encounter went well for you  

[graspingatstraws]

I have stayed NC/LC ever since the breakup - she came around to take some stuff, yesterday we met so I could buy out her part of the apartment. That said, I find it extremely hard not to think about her almost all the time. I've started exercising, I learn new work-related stuff, I meet with my friends - basically keeping myself busy. For the last three weeks I've been attending Family Connectons meetings locally, these seem to help a lot too.

About two months ago I've told her that I don't want to divorce her and that I love her. That I accept her decision to leave, but it is her decision and her responsibility if she wants to make it legal and get rid of me completely. She replied that she loves me too and she doesn't want to divorce me, just thought that we have to make it legal if we break up. She said that for us to be back together I would have to change - later on it made me quite angry as I've realized that she didn't mean 'improving' myself, but entirely changing who I am, just like she did with herself multiple times.

Two days ago she called and asked if she should file for separation or divorce (sic)- once again I've reiterated that it's her decision and a matter of what she wants, if she wants it. Right after the call she changed her relationship status and her last name on Facebook.
I'm not sure if I'm handling all this that well - I try to set and keep my boundaries and not take responsibility for her like I did over the course of our relationship. It helps me heal, but I cannot help wondering if it doesn't sabotage my chances of ever getting back together with her. I'm afraid of being split black, but I don't want that fear to be a driving force behind any of my actions.