Hi and welcome! I am sorry for what brings you here but happy you found us.
It sounds like you have a lot of responsibility for your sister. Can you tell us more about yourself? Have you always been a caretaker? What is the age difference between you and your sister?
It's as if the issue is not resolved until she gets to yell.
Yelling, raging, etc, can often act as a pressure valve for our loved ones. The emotions build and build and finally are released, but in unhealthy ways. Therapy, like DBT for example, can help a person learn to slow down, find better ways to think about issues and how to express emotions. A lot of the communication tools and coping strategies offered here have components of DBT in them. They can be quite helpful in terms of dealing with the situations you describe in your posts.
I can see that she is suffering. I feel really bad for her, but at the same time I am very angry at her for the hurtful things she says and for all the screaming.
It is okay to get angry even when you understand that she is hurting. Words hurt and the tone and facial expressions that go along with them can just amplify the hurt. I did find that understanding what was driving a lot of the words and behaviors of my mom helped quite a bit in terms of being able to distance myself emotionally and not take things personally as much. That in turn helped me to focus better on how to respond rather than react and to manage my own emotional reactions. It took time and practice though and things still hurt but to a lesser degree. It is frustrating when the people we care about are hurting and lashing out at the people who care the most.
My next step is to get myself into therapy and hopefully get my parents into therapy as well. How can I resume normal communication with her? Should I text her and offer to speak when she is ready? She already made it clear that she is very angry and does not want to speak. I'm scared she will keep herself locked in her room for several days.
I would suggest giving her space to self soothe. Does she come out to eat and use the bathroom? You might have an opportunity to say "hello" and see where that takes you. If she yells, say "I can see you are still hurting and I am here to listen when you can talk about it" or something to that effect. If she starts to yell again, back off. Little can be accomplished in the middle of a big dysregulation. In the meantime, talk with us, read some of the articles (I will link a couple below) and take care of yourself.
A lot of us have gone to therapy to learn new ways to cope and to talk with someone who can help us process stuff and gain a new and healthier role in the family.
Is that something you can pursue on your own?
Again,
