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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Trying to survive and keep moving forward  (Read 1747 times)
brighter future
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 172


« on: June 30, 2020, 01:48:06 PM »

I am a male in his early 40’s that got out of a LTR about 2.5 months ago with a woman 8 years younger than me that is believed to have BPD. The breakup was so difficult on me emotionally that I sought counseling about a month after the fact. After several weeks of describing events from the relationship in my therapy sessions and sharing email and text messages between the ex-g/f and I with my therapist, she said there’s no doubt in her mind that my ex-girlfriend suffers from BPD. My ex-girlfriend endured a few years of childhood sexual abuse as well as a very turbulent home life. Ironically, my ex-wife also suffers from BPD, eating disorders, and several other mental health disorders. She suffers from severe depression, anxiety, very low self-worth, impulsive behavior, and constantly changing moods. Her only therapy for the abuse that she endured during her childhood consisted of weekly sessions with a PHD for 4 months in 2019, and she discontinued therapy stating that she “was fine.”
 I still have to deal with my ex-wife quite frequently as we have a child together. Depending on her mood, some interactions with my ex-wife are painless, while others can be quite difficult. The past 12 years have been quite difficult for me when you combine the turbulent relationship with my ex-wife and the one that just ended with my ex-girlfriend. I apologize for the length of my post, so please excuse me if I’m rambling.  It was such a long and drawn out ordeal, and it took so much out of me.  I’ve learned a lot more about this disorder after spending the last several days reading posts in the forum and the rest of the website. I’m presently working on breaking this cycle in my relationships.
I did not date anyone seriously for about 5 years following the separation from my ex-wife which resulted in a lengthy custody/divorce battle. I ended up with majority custody of our child. During this lengthy battle, I didn’t have the energy for a serious relationship and did not want to draw anyone into the drama that was my life for ½ of a decade. It was a lonely and difficult time, but I made it through it with the support of friends and family. I was also cautious about any potential partner due to the turbulent marriage to my ex-wife. I told myself that I couldn’t go through that again.
I’ve known my ex-girlfriend for 20 years. Her parents have been neighbors of mine for the entire time, and we’ve always been friendly with each other. I’ve always had a good rapport with her parents.  She was in high school when I first met her, so there was no love interest at that time on my part since I was 8 years older. I later found out that my ex had a crush on me at first sight. Fast forward a few years, and my ex-girlfriend was out of school and was of age. I had a dinner and socialized with her family at that time and thought she’d grown into a lovely young woman. She and I exchanged glances and some conversation that day. The following year she left for college out of state, and I became involved in another relationship. My ex-girlfriend returned home next door to her parents from college a little over three years later.  I later found out that she became engaged while in college, and her ex-fiance broke it off a few months later. She left college brokenhearted and left the state where she was in college and began drinking and hanging out with the wrong crowd. Soon after, she became pregnant and returned home to her parent’s home a few months later. By that time, I was in a relationship  with my ex-wife. Due to the fact that my ex-g/f was living next door again, we had some brief encounters as neighbors, but that was it. I got married to my ex-wife about a year later, and my ex-g/f met and married what would become her ex-husband about 9 months after I got married. My ex-g/f and I saw each other briefly over the years when she and her husband would visit her folks next door. She and her parents were also at the wedding when I married my ex-wife ironically.
Fast forward to 2018, I had been divorced for nearly 4 years and separated for 5 years from my ex-wife. My ex-girlfriend moved back into her parent’s house next door with her children. I soon found out that she had left her ex-husband and had already filed for divorce. She lived there for a total of just over two months. We’d had some nice conversations out in the yard during that time, and I received a friend request on social media soon afterwards. I had always liked her personality and always found her attractive, so it was easy for me to accept the friend request. She and the children got an apartment about an hour away from me after those two months were up, as she wanted to move closer to the college that she was going to (decided to go back to try and finish her degree).
One evening about six weeks after she and the children moved an hour away, I saw a social media post from her asking for well wishes from her friends and family. She was trying to finalize her divorce and was also overwhelmed trying to work, go to school, raise two kids, and maintain a home.  That night I felt compelled to send her a private message telling her that she had the well wishes from me and my family. I also shared that I had gone through similar things with my divorce and that I could identify with some of the things she was feeling. I received an instant reply from her, and we spent the next couple of hours texting back and forth. We talked every night for the next week and a half. One evening she said that she would be spending the night next door with her parents after dropping her kids off with her ex on Friday night. She asked if I was going to be home and that she would like to visit with me on my porch. I obliged, and we had a wonderful conversation for roughly two hours and also for a short time the following day before she returned back home to her apartment an hour away. We had other similar encounters over the next 4 weeks or so. During that time she stated that she had always been attracted to me and always wanted to get to know me better, however, the age difference stood in the way years ago. She said there were times that she saw me outside and wanted to talk after she returned home pregnant, but she said why would someone want to talk to the neighbor’s daughter who was “knocked up with an illegitimate child?”


She told her parents that she was seeing me a short time later. They were shocked but thrilled by the news. We continued to see each other weekly while she was living an hour away. I would go up to see her one week, and she’d travel down to see me the week after that. In my 40 some odd years, I’d   never connected with a woman like I had with her. There was a chemistry there unlike anything I’d ever experienced before with any woman. We felt comfortable with each other and had a mutual trust, which allowed us to be able to share things with each other without the fear of being judged. I’d never had that before either. During the times we weren’t able to see each other, we’d talk on the telephone after the kids went to bed, and we’d exchange text messages and emails during the day. Her emails almost always made me feel warm and fuzzy inside and needed as well. One particular email came while I was at work one day about 6 weeks into our relationship. It was very scattered and all over the place. She said she was struggling that day with feelings about how difficult life was, etc. Then she proceeds to tell me “If we get married someday, I think it would be wonderful but difficult at the same time blending our families and making things work.” I was kind of caught off guard with those statements because I felt they were quite premature, but I didn’t overthink it too much. Approximately two weeks later I received a lengthy email from her stating how much I meant to her and how she wanted our relationship to work. In that email she stated that “When you’re not around, I miss you so bad I want to ditch whatever is happening in my life and just follow you. Being close to you is like an addiction for me. When I’m close enough to touch you it feels so good. Then being apart I crave that feeling.” The statement she made about my presence being “an addiction” for her concerned me. Once again, I didn’t take it too seriously. She also told me several times during our relationship that if I wasn’t in her life, she probably wouldn’t be able to function. She was up and down with her emotions during that time, but I just attributed it to her recent split with the ex-husband and being alone trying to raise two kids. That was only the tip of the ice burg.
During the next 4 months of our relationship, I learned about her numerous relationship failures with boyfriends and also the failure of her one marriage to her ex-husband. The father of her daughter was never in the picture, and they were broken up a month when she found out she was pregnant. She said, “He just quit talking to me one day, and I never knew why. I knew he was someone that I wasn’t going to marry. I was just with him because he was nice to me.” She blamed most of the issues with the marriage on her ex-husband, but I’ve learned over the past couple of months that it wasn’t all his fault. During the last 16 years, she has attended six different universities and has more than enough credits for a bachelor’s degree. However, if you put all of those credits together, you can’t make an actual degree out of it. Her failure to obtain a degree is one of the many things in her life that she’s started and failed to finish. She’s amazingly talented in art and math and is very gifted in working with children when she’s in a good mindset. My child absolutely loved her.
She also confided in me that after she had moved out of her parent’s house and into the apartment, she had a 5-6 week rebound friends with benefits affair with the twin brother of her high school sweetheart while her divorce was ongoing. Their relationship, she stated, was unhealthy (based on manipulation and he was a heavy drinker), so she broke it off. However, he continued to text and try to call her afterwards asking her to call him to talk him out of getting drunk. She and I started seeing each other a short time later, and she told him she was seeing me and was no longer interested in a relationship with him (claimed she actually told him he was a rebound while they were involved and that he was Ok with that). His wife actually left him shortly before that due to his drinking. My ex also stated to me that while she was having an affair with this guy, she was also “talking to three other guy friends from high school” and that all four men “tried talking me into things that made me feel uncomfortable and that’s not the person that I want to be. When I started seeing you, you reminded me of the person that I want to be. Thank you for reminding me to be myself, not what others wanted me to be.” Another red flag that I didn’t take seriously.
She and I were intimate roughly 3 months into our relationship. Every intimate encounter between us was very loving and respectful, unlike anything I had shared with any previous partner.  She shared with me that I was the only man in her life that viewed intimacy that way and said that it was so good it was almost too overwhelming for her. One time she stated that intimacy with past lovers almost always involved something bad happening afterwards. This case was different for her, and she said it was difficult to deal with at times. Our intimate relationship was on again and off again due to her emotional issues and also for her feeling guilt for having sex out of wedlock due to her religious beliefs. She said he children looked at her strangely when she quit taking the Lord’s supper at church. During our 19 month relationship, our intimate relationship was on again / off again 4 or 5 times for these reasons. Each time I tried being patient with her but I grew frustrated as it kept happening. I was just looking for a little consistency. Five months before our relationship ended, she said that we could no longer have sex again until we were married. We started talking seriously about marriage a month or so before that happened. There were a couple of instances where things got carried away after that, and she asked me to do certain things only to have to stop before they went all the way. She apologized for doing that but stated that “she wanted to turn me on.” It was torture.
Five months into our relationship and at the start of her second semester as a full-time student/single mom, she had a mental meltdown and started having some serious problems with her physical health as well. She ended up dropping all but one class about a month later and entered counseling with a psychologist. Her MD also adjusted some of her meds and upped her antidepressant. After about 6 weeks of up and down behavior, she seemed to be in a better place after getting the meds adjusted and going to weekly counseling. She began to discuss moving back to my area to be closer to me and her parents and said that she realized she could no longer do it on her own. It was her plan to take a semester or two off of school to get herself together.
She and the children found a home about 15 minutes away from us and moved back as soon as school got out. It was good having her here. We spent a lot of time together and took two vacations out of state together. There were never any real arguments between us, just a lot of up and down periods with her emotions and some days she wouldn’t feel much like talking or doing anything.  She stated that she’s always been this way due to past trauma. After she moved back to my area, she never found another psychologist in the area even though the one she was seeing before recommended that she continue treatment with someone else. One day before moving back here, she leveled with me and said that her former psychologist told her she “had no business being in a committed relationship in her state of mind.” She told the psychologist that she “wanted to keep seeing me and couldn’t lose me” while she was trying to fix herself.  After being back in town close to five months, she told me that she was struggling really bad emotionally and asked me for names of good counseling centers in town. This was about the time that she stopped the intimacy between us. I gave her some names of good counselors and told her I’d help her in any way possible.
She never followed through with finding another counselor and said that she “was doing fine now” a couple of weeks later. Once again, her emotions were up and down and she continued to hint towards marriage. Her financial situation was also not the best since she was employed very minimally and made up the difference with child support and public assistance. What all of that that didn’t cover, her parents and I made up the difference. Virtually any time we went out with or without the children, I almost always had to pay everyone’s way, even on my own birthday. It was also during this time period that she felt that she was not going to return to college to finish her degree. At the time of our breakup, she had well over 50k in college debt with no way to pay it back.
Despite all of these red flags and all of her up and down, erratic behavior, I looked at the good parts of our relationship and continued to look towards the future. Her employment situation never improved even though she stated that she was going to look for more work. Shortly after Christmas and New Year’s (2020) she stated that she was again in a bad place emotionally and asked me to give her the names of therapists again. It was a that time she described some of the abuse that was done to her as a child. It was heartbreaking to hear that. I continued to be as supportive as possible.
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brighter future
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 172


« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2020, 01:49:10 PM »

Part two. Sorry for multiple posts.

Once again, she started applying the pressure for an engagement and said that she loved me and wanted us to all be a family living under the same roof. I told her that was what I was hoping for as well but encouraged her to go see a counselor. Once again, she never followed through and stated that she was fine. All of the children were pushing for an engagement, even my own child. I went and ordered her an engagement ring shortly before Valentine’s Day, and it arrived at the jewelers about 10 days later. She and I went and picked it up at that time. She tried it on, and it fit perfectly. Then she proceeded to tell me, “Don’t make me wait forever for you to give this to me. I don’t want a replay of what happened with my first fiancé when I wanted an engagement just as bad” (the one that broke the engagement and sent her into a pattern of self-destructive behavior 13 years earlier).  My plan was to propose to her about a month later on our Spring Break vacation if all continued to go well. Roughly 2-3 weeks after picking up the ring at the jeweler’s, she hit another rough patch and asked for the counselor’s names again. That time I really urged her to follow through with therapy and told her that I loved her and would be there to support her. We had cancel our out of state vacation with the kids due to the Covid outbreak, and we agreed that we’d reschedule something for later on this year.
Following the cancelation of our vacation she continued to struggle most days with a few decent days in between, but things seemed to continue on fairly normal with our relationship. She continued to hint about engagement, and I told her when the time was right and that I was working on it. Shortly after she stated “My dad is starting to lose respect for you since you haven’t asked him for my hand in marriage.” I told her that he and I had several conversations recently, and I didn’t think that was the case. She said “Well I believe he thinks you should have talked to him by now.” Looking back now, that was very manipulative on her part to make a statement like that. She spoke frequently of her financial hardships and one time asked me through tears “When are you going to take me away from all of this?” What a guilt trip to lay on someone.
We continued to see each other as often as we normally did and things appeared to be fine except for her up and down emotional state. One week prior to our breakup, she appeared to be frustrated at times when we were talking on the phone the one night. I asked her what was wrong and did it have anything to do with me. She stated that she was frustrated with me because it was taking so long for me to propose, but most of what she was dealing with “had very little to do with me.”  We spent that whole weekend together doing things with the kids and had a good time over all.
She dropped by my house a couple of days later to visit with me and pick up her phone charger that she left in my car. As we were getting ready to walk outside she stopped me in the garage and asked if we could talk, and I agreed. She burst into tears and got hysterical. She said, “Why won’t you ask me to marry you? I need you so bad and I want us living under the same roof. I love you so much and would do anything or go anywhere to be married to you. What is your problem and what are you afraid of?”  I told her (like I had several times before) that her unwillingness to seek help for her issues is what was holding me up. I told her I learned from my last marriage that unresolved issues brought into a marriage also become the problems of the new spouse and the children as well. I told her there were some things that I needed to address within myself, but that I would stand with her until we got all of that sorted out. Her children also have significant emotional issues, and I told her it concerned me that she wasn’t getting help for them even though she acknowledged their issues.  Then she proceeded to tell me that “She didn’t need a counselor. I’m fine! Counselors don’t work for me. This is just the way I am, and I just deal with it.”  I disagreed and suggested that maybe we try couples counseling to see if that could help us. She seemed surprised by that but said to see what I could find. As she was walking out the door she said “I just need a break for a couple of days. Go ahead and call me, but in the meantime you know what you need to do to get me back” (give me the engagement ring).  She also made some odd remark about how she “never wanted to resent me” right before she left my house.
I followed up the next day with an email to her stating that I loved her and wanted to be with her, however, we needed to sort out the issues prior to marriage. She never replied to that email. I’ve learned recently through my own counseling that the thought of entering counseling with all of her unresolved issues would be like jumping into a pit of fire for her. She did admit to me prior to the breakup that she didn’t want to see a counselor because she “just didn’t want to deal with everything.” I tried  a handful of times to call her or to go and see her, but each time she said that she didn’t have the energy to talk to me and couldn’t deal with it.
We finally had a two hour phone conversation about 5 days later. For the first part of the conversation, she was very blaming towards me and stated “I’m all alone with two kids and I am scared. You do nothing but drag me down. I don’t need that and you no longer make me happy.” I really didn’t know what to say other than I’m really sorry you feel that way. She settled down for the last half of the conversation, and it was more productive. We agreed to try counseling again to see if we could work things out. Secretly I hoped by going to couples therapy it might give her some incentive to try individual counseling again. We wrapped up the phone call and agreed to talk again in the next couple of days, and we exchanged texts in between that. I talked to her on the following Tuesday, and she said that we’d talk more later. I tried texting her the following Friday evening to see if I could call her and got no answer until Saturday morning.
She answered me back with text saying that she was sorry about not answering the previous night and that she “was out with an old friend” and that they “road around for hours and had dinner” Long story short, it was her rebound guy that she had a fling with after she filed for divorce and left her husband. I asked her if that’s who it was, and she never denied it. I told her I hurt me she was out two weeks after our breakup, especially since we talked about trying to work things out with counseling, etc. She said she wasn’t interested in dating someone at this time and just wanted to get out of the house. Then she proceeded to accuse me of doing nothing to make things right between us. Apparently she forgot about the email, text messages, and phone calls that went unanswered by her and also the fact that I’d asked her to meet with me at least three times. After that she basically said that we were no longer compatible and stated that she wanted to do so many new things that I would probably be afraid to try then proceeded to tell me that she “wanted to move all around and would like to eventually leave the state.” This was a sharp contrast to our recent discussions about her wanting to settle down and purchase another home that we could call our own so her kids could have stability. Her impulsive thoughts caught me off guard, and I asked her to clarify them for me and said that I didn’t understand how she could call me her soulmate, the man of her dreams, the best man that she ever dated, and wonderful (her nickname for me),  then turn around and tell me all of this. When I asked her why her opinion of me changed virtually overnight, she never did answer my questions. All she could say was “I don’t have the energy for that, I can’t answer any more questions, and I don’t have anything left to say now.” However, she stated that she’d like us to be friends. I didn’t even reply to that remark.  I felt like I’d been punched in the gut and in the face.
We never spoke again after all of that happened, but she continued to like my posts on social media. She has apparently continued to date this rebound guy, and she professed her relationship with him on social media a little over a month ago. I removed her and all of our pictures from my social media before she professed her relationship with him at the suggestion of my counselor. All of her family has been very kind to me and keeps in touch. One family member stated to me, “This is all such a shame because you are a wonderful man.” Her father spoke to me personally and told me there was nothing wrong with wanting to sort out issues prior to marriage and stated that his daughter “had a lot of baggage.” Her mother also told me that her daughter “wouldn’t have survived the last two years without me in her life.” The way things happened at the end it made me feel like she treated our relationship like it was a joke to her by the way she tossed me aside and went back to her rebound guy. She and I have a mutual friend that acknowledges my ex-g/f has serious issues. They talk fairly often, and she told me that my ex broke up with me “because he won’t commit to me, and I’m just not going to date someone forever. Our relationship was wonderful. He is a wonderful man, but I am no longer going to wait on him.” She asked my ex why she ran out and started dating someone two weeks later, and she told her “I just have issues being alone. I’m not going to sit around the house being alone and miserable.”
Apparently since the breakup, her daughter has been having issues and has been exhibiting self-harm by cutting on herself.  This child has never known her own father and harbors a lot of grief and rejection.   The last I heard she was going to try and find a counselor for her, but hasn’t followed through with that either. That breaks my heart. I pray that she gets her daughter (and herself) help before something terrible happens. Right now, through therapy I’m trying to let all of this go and realize that this is no longer my problem. It wasn’t until a month ago that I realized I was in a codependent relationship.  I can’t own their issues any longer, as it has dragged me down into a deep dark hole. I’ve got to take care of myself and my own child. I just wish my ex-g/f could have been healthy, as I think we really could have made something good out of our relationship with more normal circumstances.  I truly loved her, and I hope that she actually loved me in return and meant most of the wonderful things she said to me. It’s my guess that she loved me the best she could in the capacity that she knows what love is even though all of it wasn’t a healthy love.
Thanks for listening to my story. Once again, I’m sorry for rambling on.  I’m hoping for better times in the near future.



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brighter future
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 172


« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2020, 08:37:07 AM »

I had another session last night with my counselor. In this session, I told her that I found this forum less than a week ago and how it's been such a big help to me. Reading all of your testimonies has shown me that I'm not alone in the loss of my relationship. Now I don't sit around and beat myself up about why my ex-g/f did what she did in regards to our breakup. By reading the various testimonies in here, this seems to be a typical pattern of people with this disorder: Abandon your loved one before they abandon you, then move on as quickly as possible to find your next caretaker/co-dependent. My counselor said this pattern of disfunctional relationships is going to continue with her and not to be surprised if she tries to pick me up again on a rebound some day. This might be true as she told me that she wanted to remain friends. I am working with the counselor to learn how to deal with that if and when it happens.

I see my ex-g/f in passing often as her parents live next door to me. About a week or so ago, she was out in their yard while visiting. I happened to be outside at the same time. She made direct eye contact with me, then smiled and waved like I was her best friend. I could not muster a smile for her, just a very quick wave. By reading the forum, I see that many of you have been contacted frequently by your ex after the breakup. That happened to me a handful of times between our breakup and the time that my ex reconnected with her rebound. During those times, she would usually text me at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning while I was asleep saying that she missed me and wanted to talk. I now see that as some sort of control issue.  Once she hooked up with the rebound two weeks after the break up, that stopped since he was apparently  meeting her needs for attention. The only thing that continued was her liking a lot of my social media posts before I unfriended her and deleted all of our photos together off of my page. Friends and family have told me that all of our pictures together still exist on her social media page. I find that odd that they're still there since she has professed her relationship with the rebound guy on social media. If I was him, I think I'd be a bit miffed knowing that the photos of her and I were still on her social media page.

The thing that is helping me move forward and letting her go a little bit each day is knowing that I'm much better off being out of that unhealthy, destructive cycle. In my therapy session last evening, my therapist told me (after reviewing emails and text messages from the ex) that I was being manipulated, emotionally, sexually, and financially by my ex. I just keep telling myself that the pain of the breakup is much less devastating than it would have been if I would have married her with all of her issues. My therapist said she would have made my life a living hell if I was married to my ex. I noted in one of my posts above that my ex told me a couple of times that she "didn't want to resent me." My therapist told me last night that would have changed the minute I gave her a ring and said "I do." I would have most likely been resented for everything under the sun. I hope that one day she finally figures out that she needs help and seeks it out. Another issue that's greatly hampering her is the fact that she quit taking all of her meds. Just like therapy, she said she doesn't need the meds either and "feels better without them."
« Last Edit: July 02, 2020, 08:50:55 AM by brighter future » Logged
Goosey
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 219


« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2020, 08:06:12 PM »

Sorry for your present dilemma.
You are being very patient and seem to be trying very hard to be proactive and supportive yet (rightly) assertive. 
   I have to say whimsically that If anyone calls me their “soulmate” again all I will hear are fire alarms.
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Palinurus

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married (for now)
Posts: 33


« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2020, 08:14:57 PM »

Yep. Ditto for “true love”
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brighter future
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 172


« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2020, 08:10:55 AM »

Sorry for your present dilemma.
You are being very patient and seem to be trying very hard to be proactive and supportive yet (rightly) assertive.  
   I have to say whimsically that If anyone calls me their “soulmate” again all I will hear are fire alarms.

Thanks for your reply and support, Goosey. I definitely hear you on the "soulmate" thing. Let's not forget about "you're the man of my dreams" as well. She said most of these things to me in front of our kids and while we were alone throughout our relationship. She kept this stuff up right until the very end while at the same time being frustrated that I wouldn't propose to her. When everything went down with the breakup and with her on to the rebound guy two weeks later, I told her why the sudden change of heart. She couldn't answer my question but could only say "I don't have the energy for that. I can't answer any questions and don't have anything to say right now."  My guess is that she truly didn't know either.  

She's so impulsive and needs someone level headed to keep her reined in so she doesn't make stupid choices. About a month before the breakup, she was pressuring for engagement right away. Once again, I mentioned the personal issues that we needed to sort out as well as finding a bigger place to live for the five of us. She said that I just needed to "take a leap of faith and take a risk. We both want this, so let's just do it." It's common practice for her to leap into things head first without thinking things through thoroughly. Most of those things, she never even finishes and gives up. Her parents have bailed her out on and off for most of her life and even funded her divorce from her ex-husband two years ago (my ex-wife was the same way).

I learned yesterday that she's on vacation alone with her rebound guy without her kids in a mountain cabin for three days. We were intimate on and off throughout our relationship, but she would never go out on getaways like that alone with me until we were married because she said that wouldn't be setting a good example for our kids (we did take vacations with the kids together though). It baffles me how she will be impulsive and go away alone with the rebound but wouldn't with me. When she was in a healthy state of mind and making good choices, she always told me that she wanted to "do our relationship the right way" and that she "didn't want our relationship to be like her past relationships" that were apparently based on sex and manipulation. I think that's what she's got going on again with the rebound guy. Their relationship two years ago was based on sex and manipulation, so there's no reason to believe it's any different. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if she was still talking to the other 3 guys from high school all while she's dating Mr. Rebound. She has a hard time leaving people in the past. The very last time we talked she said that she wanted to be friends. My guess is that she wants to keep the door slightly open to try and recycle me if she ever needs to. I can't go through that again with her or anyone else. The pain of being alone is far less than all of the hurt that I went through with her. Losing her was harder on me than the divorce was with my BPD ex-wife.
« Last Edit: July 08, 2020, 08:17:14 AM by brighter future » Logged
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« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2020, 05:29:29 PM »

Meet some friends today. 
Outside small event. Social distanced etc.
They have friends who play in a band.
It was nice. It was calm. It was I guess how people are. Sure we all have our baggage. But I stayed an hour or two and drove home. And no one is accusing me of having a waitress sitting me on my lap or I was hitting on someone and me sputtering in defense on crazy accusations.
   It was just a couple hours talking about business and others new grandbabys. 
Honestly I don’t know what normal is after the last several years.
I have NO NO NO  desire to subject any women to my damaged soul. But I do realize in the last couple days while painting a bathroom at the house that my wife is gone. She is gone. Like I don’t even get harassed gone! . And I just cry. The dogs are like ?
   Read a great post how a relationship is about trust and support and bla bla bla. Ya in a perfect world but yes! We all slip up. But when your in the clutches of a BPD your life is gonna be destroyed. Mine is but  I am still standing. See if I can survive divorce, I have had me bouts of silent alone anger now. After years of agonizing concern for her.
  She is the mother of my child. She is no longer my responsibility. (Therapist words) 
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« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2020, 06:18:57 PM »

Apologies for the “bla bla bla.” 
Actually read a great post
About what a relationship should be.
Trust. Mutual respect. Compassion and communication,  and I loved it! And the posted that. My apologizes.
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« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2020, 06:30:40 PM »

Brighter future I feel your pain.
My friends of forty years are trying to “hooked me up” with someone they know and I am saying no no. No ! 
My wife was destructive and intoxicating at  the same time.
. I’m an addict of that abuse. I am aware of it and trying to fight out of the cycle but at my age may be dead before I am free haha.
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« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2020, 10:52:15 PM »

Hey brighter future, I hadn't been around here in a while, saw your thread and thought I'd pop in. I read your whole story, and man let me tell you, the whole thing resonated with my own experience super well. Not in the smaller details, but rather how it went generally. The very intense initial phase where she was viewing you as her savior, some sort of "once in a lifetime" man. Never finishing anything she started despite having some strong qualities. The constantly shifting views on what's important in life, what she wants, the impulsiveness. The very rapid shift in how she saw you, going from wanting to build a home with you to suddenly becoming "incompatible" in a matter of days. Her loved ones thinking you'd be a great partner to her. Telling you she wants to remain friends even after discarding you so quickly. Saying she is not looking to date after you two broke up and then doing something very out of "character" by running away with her rebound. Her telling her friends a different version of why you broke up than she told you. Having some baggage from a failed relationship over a decade ago.

Your posts resonated with so much that I was starting to feel anxiety as I went through them. So as you said, you know you're not alone. What a terrible situation to go through and to walk away from, sorry man. It sounds like you're not blaming yourself too much for the breakup despite her saying it was because of your "lack of commitment". That is a very good thing. I myself and many others here have gone through a pretty awful period of self-blame for the breakdown of the relationship, especially when she would blame me for pretty much everything. That alone was causing me a huge amount of pain and I've only recently gotten out of the self-blame cycle. I agree with your therapist, this would have happened in some way shape or form even after a proposal. I'm glad you're not taking any of her blame to heart.

Excerpt
I truly loved her, and I hope that she actually loved me in return and meant most of the wonderful things she said to me. It’s my guess that she loved me the best she could in the capacity that she knows what love is even though all of it wasn’t a healthy love.
Thanks for listening to my story. Once again, I’m sorry for rambling on.  I’m hoping for better times in the near future.
I bet she did love you, and did so as intensely as she said she did at the time. My take, from what I'm still learning from my own recently failed relationship with my exwBPD, is that the love in the version that existed at the time might have been real, but it was always destined to burst. It was just a matter of time, mostly out of our control. So in a sense, I view it as an illusion that I was presented with, that I thought would last, but which was always going to disappear.
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« Reply #10 on: July 13, 2020, 08:39:54 AM »

@Dungahass

Thank you so much for your reply. It is always good to hear back from people that have gone through what you’ve gone through. This forum has helped me just as much as the time I’ve spent with my therapist.

My therapist told me during my session last Thursday that she thought my ex-girlfriend did love me based on what I’ve told her. She said she had your love but really she didn’t know what to do with it because of her troubled mental state. She’s even unable to get help for herself because  her judgment is so clouded. My therapist also said that it was interesting how she will go out and do impulsive things with this rebound guy yet did not want to be impulsive with me most of the time. She said that shows that she did have some respect for you and did have some desire to try to make it work and do the relationship the right way. But in the end she just failed at it and gave up.

I’m doing better than I was, but I still have my moments. Some days I can still hear her words in my mind saying you drag me down, you don’t make me happy anymore. Then I hear the words that she said shortly before the break up, very little of this has anything to do with you so don’t lose any sleep over it. When I told this to my therapist she said that statement was probably the only one of those that was actually true. So I probably just need to let that go as far as her saying that I drag her down, and just believe that most of it had nothing to do with me. Some days it’s hard to do that.



This week is a little bit difficult for me. I am on vacation spending the week at my cousins Beachhouse. My ex girlfriend and I came here twice last year with our children for a total of two weeks. It feel strange to be here without them and it is sometimes painful but I am trying to tough it out so my child can have a good time.

The kids really hurt over break ups like this and the difficult relationships when mental illness is involved. The other day I spoke with one of my exes friends who is also a friend of mine. This friend told me that my exes daughter is still struggling emotionally. The daughter leveled with the friend and said that she was upset at her mother for jumping right into this new relationship with the rebound guy. The daughter is also upset about our break up and is still sad about My ex-girlfriend‘S  divorce from her Ex husband. The friend asked my ex-girlfriend’s daughter how this made her feel. She said all of this stuff made her feel so sad and empty. How heartbreaking, I hurt just as bad for these kids. I do wish her mother would get help so she doesn’t drag these kids down more than they already are.
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« Reply #11 on: July 13, 2020, 09:06:03 AM »

I have been through two relationships with women like this in the past 3 years.  With one of them I helped her through tremendous difficulties, practical and emotional and mental.  With most people this would have led to an unbreakable bond, whether it stayed romantic or not.  But it doesn't with them, due to lack of object constancy and seemingly the inability to form strong emotional, valid memories.  I will paste next an excerpt from a psychologist who experienced a personal relationship like this.  He expressed what it's like very well in my opinion.  "There comes a point where you realize there is no consensual narrative or consensual reality. They are in a sense lacking in a personal story when it comes to emotional relating, bonding, attachment, and intimacy. We as their partners believed of course that we were living a narrative with them. What we did not comprehend is that everything we shared with them (or thought we shared), no matter how significant has absolutely no currency with them whatsoever."
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« Reply #12 on: July 13, 2020, 06:04:43 PM »

Actually in decent spirits today even though I got conned out of a couple thousand by my bpd wife. Oh well my dumb fault I won’t let that happen again. At this point (Second in reality) I am immune to her threats, gaslighting, projection etc.  because yes I am not perfect. I have my faults. I am human. And I take responsibility for my actions. I will survive this. Yes I get depressed and sad but it passes. Even on high drama days like this I now can just say. “Oh well” and I will figure it out. And it’s an expensive lesson but one more disconnect from her. And why should I wallow in misery. I know she isn’t. She is just spouting lies and flinging feces somewhere. Or laughing it up with her new boyfriend. I can’t control her. I can’t help her. I am not responsible for her illness.        Ok all that. This is today. Now I have to tie a couple more days of this attitude into a string of days. Heaven knows.
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« Reply #13 on: July 15, 2020, 08:25:27 AM »

July 15th is a bit of a tough day for me For several reasons. First in foremost I lost my grandmother six years ago today. Today is also the birthday of my BPD ex-wife. On this date one year ago, my BPD ex girlfriend told me that she was definitely sure she wanted to be married to me someday. It was also on this day one year ago that we made love after a six month period of abstinence while she worked on her emotional issues.

As I mentioned in a post a couple of days ago, I am staying at my cousins Beachhouse for vacation. My ex girlfriend and I were here twice last year with our kids. This is my first time here in a long time without her. This home is also the site of the time that we made love the last time 9 months ago to the day, October 15th.  She cut off the intimacy after we got home from vacation saying that we needed to wait until we were married. During this time it was when she also started to hit a low spot mentally. It continued on and off until our break up 6 to 6 1/2 months later.  Needless to say I chose a different bedroom to sleep in when I got here For vacation since I figured that would make it easier on me.

So today I’m wrestling with all of those things that I just mentioned above. One of the biggest things that I’m fighting with my head right now is the fact that she’s with this guy that she can apparently jump right into bed with impulsively. This is the rebound guy that I mentioned in my earlier posts. He is also one of the four guys that she was telling me about early in our relationship that tried talking her into doing things that made her feel uncomfortable after she left and filed for divorce from her ex-husband. It just blows my mind and makes me sad to know that she prefers to be with people like this. Maybe this is the way she prefers to be treated, I don’t know. Apparently it’s easier for her to have sex with somebody as opposed to making love to someone. I recalled something today that she told me maybe a few months before our relationship ended. She told me that each and every time we were intimate together it was because she wanted to make love with me. She said a lot of times in her life with other people, she use sex as a coping mechanism to feel comfort. And afterwords she said she usually felt bad for doing so but never with me. I’ve just gotta get through this day, and I think I’ll be alright.
« Last Edit: July 15, 2020, 08:40:55 AM by brighter future » Logged
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« Reply #14 on: July 15, 2020, 10:25:50 AM »

Ironically, my ex-wife also suffers from BPD, eating disorders, and several other mental health disorders

This was not, just by some miracle, it was written in stone. If not her, someone just like her. Do you understand the illness? What do you think attracts you to this?

Part two. Sorry for multiple posts.


Type your ass off, with no apologies. So youre sorry for helping yourself? its therapeutic and will help you find yourself. Show T these, and if she has some understanding they will be helpful to you. When somebody has alot to say, it shows confusion. Time to lean on people that dont have skin in the game, rely on friends and family for support, and listen to your wisemind, free of emotions. I wish you well peace
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« Reply #15 on: July 16, 2020, 07:14:54 AM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) FindingMe2011

Thanks for your reply. My therapist has identified that I am a rescuer type, which seems to attract these types of people. There’s something within me that makes me feel good about rescuing someone and we are working now on trying to get me out of that destructive cycle. I knew nothing about BPD when I dated and married my ex-wife. It wasn’t until after our separation and until I got into therapy that I learned about it. I’m sad to say that I did not recognize these traits in my ex-g/f. I knew there were problems, but I either didn’t realize or did not want to realize them. It wasn’t until I stepped out of the relationship And got into therapy that I saw how serious they really are. I have a good friend that is also a good friend of my ex-girlfriend’s, she sees her fairly regularly. This friend told me the other day that my ex-girlfriend is acting very flighty and is putting on a tremendous amount of weight. She said she looks very unhealthy and believes something serious is going on with her mentally. We think she’s using food and over eating as a coping mechanism. It’s really sad. I wonder how long it will take the rebound guy to figure out that she needs help?

It is very therapeutic to get my feelings out in therapy and also in here with folks that have been through similar things. I just don’t want to annoy anyone with my posts that are sometimes very long. Sometimes I can be overly  apologetic. Thanks again for your words of encouragement. I am feeling better today. I have a lot more good days now than bad days.
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« Reply #16 on: July 16, 2020, 12:17:04 PM »

My therapist has identified that I am a rescuer type, which seems to attract these types of people

Well welcome to the club. Yes they seek rescuers and narcissist. For me, its rescuer with a dash of altruistic narcissism. BPD has a fractured self, which NEEDS a host to complete them. So when looking for a host, they mirror until they find these types. So as the narcissist presents his false self, the Borderline mirrors this image back. The fit seems perfect until its not.

There’s something within me that makes me feel good about rescuing someone and we are working now on trying to get me out of that destructive cycle

For me its how I was raised. Having a mother, that has at the least, NPD/BPD traits, it makes perfect sense. Being rewarded for serving her, and punished for serving me can create this. To a mind under development, its a game changer. The same results can come from a helicopter parent also...It doesnt have to be destructive, and you will die trying to quit. Just maybe now before you do anything, see the whole picture, with more KNOWLEDGE, and make better decisions. When you find yourself doing for others, without selfish intentions (ie-looks, sex, or whatever) its even more heart warming


I knew nothing about BPD when I dated and married my ex-wife. It wasn’t until after our separation and until I got into therapy that I learned about it. I’m sad to say that I did not recognize these traits in my ex-g/f. I knew there were problems, but I either didn’t realize or did not want to realize them. It wasn’t until I stepped out of the relationship And got into therapy that I saw how serious they really are.

I could have written these words, once upon a time. Those brought up with a better sense of real self would know better. Those that rely more on false self, get what they ask for.

This friend told me the other day that my ex-girlfriend is acting very flighty and is putting on a tremendous amount of weight. She said she looks very unhealthy and believes something serious is going on with her mentally. We think she’s using food and over eating as a coping mechanism. It’s really sad.

BPD is a victim, persecutor world. They attach to hosts looking for self, which could never happen this way. The cycle plays out, and BPD is crushed again. Its a continuous song that never stops. Just the instruments change. My exuBPDw is doing the same thing. Whether she looks for more hosts or becomes more self destructive, who knows, except the illness.

I wonder how long it will take the rebound guy to figure out that she needs help?


Ex has been remarried for a few years now. I see them from time to time. He looks like I used to feel.

I just don’t want to annoy anyone with my posts that are sometimes very long.

To me its better. Its easy for one to forget or change perception, of spoken words(especially for a Narc) Written words dont lie, and can show how you lie to yourself. We ALL do it. Its part of our false self.

Thanks again for your words of encouragement. I am feeling better today. I have a lot more good days now than bad days.

Youre welcome and I probably get as much back responding, as do others on here. Its a ride and expect bumps. The more you learn of you, the more you see in others. I wish you well, Peace

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« Reply #17 on: July 16, 2020, 02:08:26 PM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) FindingMe2011,

I forgot to mention this in my previous post to you. My ex-wife covered up all of her mental health disorders that dated all the way back to adolescence while we were dating and while we were married. They were revealed to me when her therapist and she invited me to one of her sessions.

My ex-girlfriend told me all of her issues upfront. So I knew about most of them At the beginning of the relationship. Her issue was is that she wouldn’t seek treatment for her issues. My ex-wife loved therapy, but many of her therapists said that she was resistant to treatment. A lot of us felt like she just went to therapy for the attention as opposed to trying to change her life for the better.

My ex girlfriend talks about wanting to change but does absolutely nothing to achieve it. I don’t know if she told me all of the stuff in the beginning of the relationship so that she would have an excuse for poor behavior later on. It’s anyone’s guess really. She told me about messing around with the rebound guy and Sexting with another former high school classmate during that time period after leaving her ex husband and said that’s not who she wanted to be.  I was told that she resumed that  behavior after parting ways with me. I guessThat old saying is true about past behavior becoming a predictor of future behavior.

My therapist and I are working on regaining my sense of self and also better self awareness. I’m also learning that I don’t have to rescue people in order to feel worthy. I just like to find someone someday that can take care of themselves and not have to rely on me to do it for them. Maybe when that time comes I will be a better partner for someone as well. Until then I will just keep working on myself.
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« Reply #18 on: July 16, 2020, 03:14:17 PM »

My ex-wife loved therapy, but many of her therapists said that she was resistant to treatment. A lot of us felt like she just went to therapy for the attention as opposed to trying to change her life for the better.

Sure she loved it, she got another host out of the deal in some form or fashion. It takes a special kind of therapist ( lets face it most get in to figure themselves out) The therapist actually has to create a transference to take the place of the punitive parent from her past, and then sort of reprogram the hard drive, with all the BPD follies along the way. Not an easy task, and no guarantees what comes out. Many times they get into the therapists head.

My ex girlfriend talks about wanting to change but does absolutely nothing to achieve it. I don’t know if she told me all of the stuff in the beginning of the relationship so that she would have an excuse for poor behavior later on. It’s anyone’s guess really.

Every now and then BPD says something straight forward and it actually makes sense. It wasn't anyone's guess, SHE WARNED YOU. If shes unwilling to treatment, what keeps you in the r/s? You say she has told you her issues, did she say she has been diagnosed? I have to ask again do you understand the illness? Im thinking BPD explaining her issue, might come out in coded messages?

Sexting with another former high school classmate during that time period after leaving her ex husband and said that’s not who she wanted to be.

But its who she is, the illness dictates this. BPD is a reward for attachment illness. The sex is just a tool for the attachment
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« Reply #19 on: July 16, 2020, 03:44:33 PM »

Brighter Future,
  Things will get better, I promise. You just have to weather everything you're feeling right now. It's so so hard to do and things definitely seem dark and bleak. You have to have faith that the person you once loved, deeply cared and loved you as well despite what they may have said to you. My BPDex who professed to be this great empath told me she felt I was mad at her all the time. The truth was that she was wrong about my feelings almost all of the time. It was all projection on her part. It took me a long time to realize that because there was a lot of manipulation. The hardest part of this process, for me, was that it forced me to face what was broken in myself - the reasons why I looked past so so many red flags or the blame I placed on myself after the breakup. The fact is that there was nothing I could have done better or could've said because it didn't matter. The projections were placed on me whether I liked it or not. Sure, it's absolutely nauseating to think of them with someone else especially during this lockdown which makes meeting someone four times as difficult. But have faith, you will meet someone else who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. The sadness and depression will lessen, the crying will cease. These emotional wounds heal just like physical ones, remember that. As Hemingway writes, "The world breaks us all and afterward many are strong at the broken places." The fact is that you will grow from this experience, and she will not. You will find peace and love in the arms of another and she will just find another place holder. That is the point of this suffering, in my opinion. We can take this beatdown and learn from it- become better people for it. Those who don't are condemned to repeat it.  Love and take care of yourself. Your future awaits.
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« Reply #20 on: July 20, 2020, 01:12:56 PM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) FindingMe2011,

My BPDex-wife has been through multiple therapists. One of them stated in a psychologists report that he ended treatment with my ex-wife because it would have "grown into an unhealthy situation if we continued the professional client/counselor relationship." It was stated in the report that her counselor took this action after she alleged that she was raped by some random person. She only provided vague details while we were in court, and most of us think this story was BS that she made up to get attention from everyone including her counselor.

As far as my ex-g/f goes, the only treatment that she sought for her issues was for 3-4 months in 2019 with a licensed clinical psychologist. She discontinued the treatment and never went back. However, she told me on and off for several months that she needed to go back but never followed through. At our breakup she stated that she "was fine, didn't need therapy, and this is just the way I am." I disagreed, that's why I couldn't follow through with the engagement when she gave me the either get married or I'm out ultimatum. I have a better understanding of the BPD illness, but I'm still learning. I don't think like these people do, so it's hard to wrap my head around a lot of their behaviors. She told a friend who told me after we broke up that I "wasn't a risk taker (not impulsive like her) and that we had been together too long to not be engaged. I am not going to date someone forever" she said. You are correct, she did warn me, and I should have listened. Stupid me thought she'd have a different outlook on life and want to change if she had the right support in her life. As far as her receiving a diagnosis, my counselor said she most likely got one of she spent that amount of time with a PHD. I was never made aware of a diagnosis, but maybe she got one and didn't like what it was? Maybe that's why she was hesitant to return for help? My counselor feels like she has BPD based on me describing her behaviors and after reading dozens of emails and text messages between my ex-g/f and myself. She described my ex's texts and emails as very irrational, obsessive, scattered and all over the place, and manipulative. However, unlike my ex-wife, my ex-g/f has periods of time were she is fairly rational and acknowledges her issues at times. Now she is in complete denial. Interestingly enough, she told me last year that her first cousin (a male in his early 40's) was diagnosed with BPD. Mental illness runs in her family on her father's side.

I realize now through counseling that the sexting and jumping from man to man is really how my ex-g/f is even if deep down that's not what she wants to be (and that it's a typical BPD behavior). It's sad that she won't get help and break that cycle. One family member said she's setting a terrible example for her kids, and they are 100% correct. I'm fortunate that I didn't marry her so my child didn't have to witness this poor behavior and awful boundaries. Like I've been told by several people, I dodged a bullet.

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« Reply #21 on: July 23, 2020, 01:41:47 PM »


 These emotional wounds heal just like physical ones, remember that. As Hemingway writes, "The world breaks us all and afterward many are strong at the broken places." The fact is that you will grow from this experience, and she will not. You will find peace and love in the arms of another and she will just find another place holder. That is the point of this suffering, in my opinion. We can take this beatdown and learn from it- become better people for it. Those who don't are condemned to repeat it.  Love and take care of yourself. Your future awaits.

SBBayArea,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this reply to me. Your words are definitely some of the most inspiring and helpful comments that I've had so far. I'm grateful.  

What you said about my ex not growing from this is absolutely right. She's still keeping up the unhealthy behaviors and is putting on tremendous amounts of weight. She appears to be using food as a coping mechanism now in addition to seeking attention from her rebound. My guess is she's lose satisfaction with that at some point and move on to something else.  It's sad that she won't take action to help herself and her kids. My therapist said something very similar about her to what you said. She stated that this type of thing is just going to keep repeating itself over and over again in her relationships until she seeks help. What lead to her issues when she was a child is not her fault, but as an adult she has to own her issues and get the help that she needs. I pray that one day she can do that. The guy she's with now is in the ride for his life and must be glutten for punishment if he's willing to take a second ride on her crazy train.

Thanks again and take care of yourself!
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« Reply #22 on: July 23, 2020, 01:43:31 PM »

SBBayArea,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this reply to me. Your words are definitely some of the most inspiring and helpful comments that I've had so far. I'm grateful.  

What you said about my ex not growing from this is absolutely right. She's still keeping up the unhealthy behaviors and is putting on tremendous amounts of weight. She appears to be using food as a coping mechanism now in addition to seeking attention from her rebound. My guess is she's lose satisfaction with that at some point and move on to something else.  It's sad that she won't take action to help herself and her kids. My therapist said something very similar about her to what you said. She stated that this type of thing is just going to keep repeating itself over and over again in her relationships until she seeks help. What lead to her issues when she was a child is not her fault, but as an adult she has to own her issues and get the help that she needs. She seems to be unwilling to do that at the present time. I pray that one day she can do that. The guy she's with now is in the ride for his life and must be glutten for punishment if he's willing to take a second ride on her crazy train.

Thanks again and take care of yourself!
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« Reply #23 on: July 26, 2020, 11:03:09 AM »

10 days of no contact.
She moved on. Obviously involved romantically with someone.
And I have been a silent mess.
Severe depression, rumination the whole works.
But just a glimmer- fleeting thoughts of acceptance. And some self analysis.  Of course never in order or complete.
   I just read through some of the “workshop” articles. 
Loved the one about “files” you pull when confronted with my own triggers.
  Feel better knowing I am not alone in feeling the way I do.
Gonna take some time. 
 Trying to read up and be slightly proactive to the tips.
Very easy to just shut down. My internal struggle.
  Stay cool everyone.
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« Reply #24 on: July 28, 2020, 08:03:43 AM »

Pretty much all of my ex-g/f's family is still friendly and keeps in touch with me. I heard from one of my ex-g/f's  children's grandparents last evening. We chatted for a little while, as I like to have periodic updates on how the kids are doing. The kids have been struggling emotionally for quite some time.  They were a part of my life for nearly two years, so I like to know how they are doing.

The grandparent told me that the kids are still struggling. My ex-g/f's son came to stay with her and her husband for a couple of days. He expressed a lot of anger while he was visiting and said that he blames his mother (and her behavior) for destroying his parent's marriage. This is coming from a 7 year old. He told the grandparent that he doesn't want to live with his mother and wants to start living with his father full-time. At the present time, the father only has the son for 5 weeks in the summer and every other weekend when school is in session. My ex-g/f has him the rest of the time. I'm surprised that the son's father doesn't stand up and take some action regarding some of this stuff that's going on with his child.

The 12 year old daughter is still withdrawn emotionally and told the grandparent that she spends all of her time in her bedroom on her electronics. Supposedly, my ex-g/f has completed paperwork to enroll the daughter in counseling, but she hasn't had her first visit yet. Hopefully that happens soon, as she is exhibiting severe depression and self-harm type behaviors.

The grandparent also informed me that my ex-g/f told her that she has been hinting towards marriage with her rebound guy after less than 3 months of dating. She asked him how he felt about marriage. Supposedly, he told my ex-g/f that marriage "scares him" and that he didn't have any immediate desire to make that type of commitment. If I'm not mistaken, he has already had two failed marriages.  The grandparent told me that my ex-g/f told her that "marriage does scare me too". At that point the grandparent said she asked my ex "Well, isn't that why you dumped your last boyfriend (me) because it was taking him too long to propose?" My ex said, "Well, no that's not why." Then the grandparent said, "You told me a couple of months ago that you broke up with him (me) because you weren't going to date him forever." My ex came back with "Well, you know how it is." Not much of a comeback if you ask me.  The grandparent said she was so ticked off at her responses and behavior at that point that she just let it go after that. She is so irrational it's unbelievable.

The grandparent also told me that my ex-g/f continues to put on huge amounts of weight and looks and acts so unhealthy. If history repeats itself, she'll trash the rebound guy before too long if he doesn't comply with her dreams for the future. Sitting here watching her with him is like watching myself go through this with her all over again. At least I'm not the host/victim this time. More than likely, she still has a few of her other prospects at arms length for when this relationship blows up. Hopefully she realizes by now that I'm no longer an option for her. I just keep repeating in my mind what my counselor keeps telling me "You have been set free from a toxic relationship. What a huge blessing for you."

In spite of everything, I pray for my ex-g/f and her kids often that there might be some positive breakthrough for them and they get the help that they need. All three of them are really suffering.
« Last Edit: July 28, 2020, 08:08:47 AM by brighter future » Logged
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« Reply #25 on: July 29, 2020, 10:44:12 AM »

Stupid me thought she'd have a different outlook on life and want to change if she had the right support in her life.

By far not stupid you. I could be wrong but it appears your shame is rearing its ugly head...This is who you are, you just invest in the wrong people...Rule of thumb for me these days. Never help another that isnt helping themselves. This is confirmed through actions, not our own fantasies, of what could be, somebodys words ect. ect. ect...Fantasies come in all shapes and sizes and some like me (Narc, tendencies) have a tendency to dream...This works awesome in the business world ( a bunch of false selfs) but not in the real world.

. It's sad that she won't get help and break that cycle. One family member said she's setting a terrible example for her kids, and they are 100% correct.

It most definitely is. At one time i thought i could whoop any illness, even cluster Bs...Then i realized it was my traits of PDs that was fueling(validating) the illness. I was enabling. i then looked around and saw millions just like me. it appears they run this show until their looks vanish and they become hermits. Its very sad. Yet no matter how you look at them ( preferably not black and white) they just as you and I, Are doing their best. Im fortunate to have my road, as opposed to theirs. I wish you well, Peace
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« Reply #26 on: July 29, 2020, 12:49:20 PM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Roller Derby,

I appreciate your replies. My counselor told me the exact thing you just said, that I put my faith in the wrong people as far as relationships go. I'd like to think that I really come across as the person that I actually am and don't believe I have a false self. What I'm lacking in is self-confidence. My ex-g/f and I have known each other for 20 years, but we never really got to know each other well until two years ago. She told me about 6-9 months ago that her perception of me (without knowing me well years ago) was that I was a loving, honest, and hardworking man. She stated that after a year and a half with me in a relationship, she was thrilled to find out that what she thought about me years ago was actually true. I can see all of her wonderful qualities and talents and who she can be, but it's a shame that she can't get it together. As I have said before, she is very mentally unhealthy, but I don't think she's as far gone as my ex-wife is. Several of my friends and family think she can be helped with intense therapy and medication, but pretty much all of them are disgusted with her behavior and how she's treated me and her own children.

I realize now that I was enabling her through virtually our entire relationship (emotionally, financially, etc.). As you said, you can't help people that won't help themselves. She did nothing to improve her financial situation by seeking better employment, quit college after returning for the 4th or 5th time (and running up close to 60k in tuition debt) and said it was unlikely she would return. If we had married that would mean my income would have been responsible for repaying her tuition loans and all of her credit card debt. She's used me for financial support, her own parents, the government, and even her church. Last year she stated to me that her church pastor said that she needed to bring in her budget to him for review after she had given multiple requests for financial assistance. She can't stand on her own two feet emotionally or financially, so that's why she feels she needs to jump right into marriage to have someone take care of her. Her first priority is having someone to take care of her. Healthy relationships and boundaries come in a very distant second. My ex-wife is the exact same way. Even though she works full-time now, her parents still support her very heavily financially (purchased her a home, a car, etc.). She has it made for sure.

You may have seen in my most recent post above that I was informed by the ex-g/f's family member that she's trying to hook the rebound guy into marriage after only dating for 3 months. Luckily he told her that marriage "scared him" and that he's not looking for that type of commitment right now. Hopefully he continues to say no to her. I don't have too much sympathy for him, however, because it's his second round with her. She cast him aside to start dating me two years ago. More than likely, he's just in it for the good sex right now. Knowing her like I'll do, she'll cut that off soon until she gets a bigger commitment from him. That's what she did to me even though I truly loved her.  If he doesn't comply, she'll toss him aside for one of the other 3 high school boyfriends or maybe someone new. It's a sad cycle with her. She think that each new relationship or recycle is going to be the one that will fix her. Sadly they won't.

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« Reply #27 on: July 29, 2020, 03:14:10 PM »

and don't believe I have a false self.

Maybe so, but as I understand this, we all have one. Did you feel you were being idolized, to the point of uncomfortably, or over the top, when you finally became involved. Did you ruminate how great this r/s could be with her, for all the years prior to consummating the r/s. if she has BPD behavior, what she showed you was YOU. Its mirroring, and this is what you fell in love with. Did you miraculously gain self confidence after you had sex for the first time? if you did, which im only presuming, do you believe it was genuine now? Somehow or another you played into the fantasy, its the only way this works, from what I see. Maybe you see something different?

She stated that after a year and a half with me in a relationship, she was thrilled to find out that what she thought about me years ago was actually true. I can see all of her wonderful qualities and talents and who she can be,

This, by how things turned out, was the fantasy

but it's a shame that she can't get it together.

This is the reality

Several of my friends and family think she can be helped with intense therapy and medication,

Schizoids from what i understand are the chemically unbalanced ones, they NEED medication. The rest are LEARNED behaviors, and trying to learn on meds is worse. I tried this in high school, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). So lets say she does all this DBT, CBT, and whatever else. One thing i can promise she wont be the girl you have been fantasizing over. She will be drastically changed, if she can improve at all.

My ex-wife is the exact same way.

So just as me, you have a track record and the only common denominator is YOU. Do you think this was just bad luck? its set in stone, if you do nothing, you will miraculously find another just like her. There are millions like you and millions like her.

She think that each new relationship or recycle is going to be the one that will fix her. Sadly they won't.

Thats it in a nutshell and not a damn thing you can do, but pick up the pieces and understand how you can have such an attraction to this, you deserve better. I wish you well. Peace

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« Reply #28 on: July 31, 2020, 10:21:58 AM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) FindingMe2011,

Maybe so, but as I understand this, we all have one. Did you feel you were being idolized, to the point of uncomfortably, or over the top, when you finally became involved. Did you ruminate how great this r/s could be with her, for all the years prior to consummating the r/s. if she has BPD behavior, what she showed you was YOU. Its mirroring, and this is what you fell in love with. Did you miraculously gain self confidence after you had sex for the first time? if you did, which im only presuming, do you believe it was genuine now? Somehow or another you played into the fantasy, its the only way this works, from what I see. Maybe you see something different?
At times she was over the top. It seemed like she was in love with everything that I did in life, from the way I drove a car to the way I treat and respect women, and also my work ethic. She said I was a humble person, and she loved that about me. I have been highly attracted to her for 17 of the 20 years that I've known her, but life situations and the age difference were in the way years ago. Setting her issues aside, most things with our relationship seemed natural and comfortable. Maybe part of that was the mirroring, and maybe part of it was genuine. I'll probably never really know the full truth. I don't feel like I miraculously gained self-confidence the first time we were intimate. I've been with five women in my life, and my experience with her was the most amazing. We connected emotionally and physically as well. She said that I was the first man that she was with that could ever look her directly in the eye while being intimate and that made her feel respected and beautiful while being comfortable with her own body and repeatedly said that I was so loving and gentle.  My feelings about intimacy were one of the many reasons she loved me so much, she said. Most intimate encounters with others, she said, almost always involved something bad happening afterwards. She also told me that she used sex a lot for comfort and also to feel needed (part of the BPD illness). Quite frequently she said that she did not want our relationship to ever be like that and said that each time we were together that she wanted to make love with me as opposed to just feeling pleasure.  I tend to believe her as far as this goes, and I feel like her intentions were good part of the time. On the other end of the coin, I feel like she withheld sex during the last 5-6 months of our relationship to get me to commit to marriage. 

Schizoids from what i understand are the chemically unbalanced ones, they NEED medication. The rest are LEARNED behaviors, and trying to learn on meds is worse. I tried this in high school, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). So lets say she does all this DBT, CBT, and whatever else. One thing i can promise she wont be the girl you have been fantasizing over. She will be drastically changed, if she can improve at all.

I agree with you here. I told one of her family members a while back that I missed her terribly for the good times that we had together as a couple and with the children (there were many) when she was in a healthy state of mind. Her family member said to me in reply, "And what do you think the chances are of her ever being fully healthy?" I said slim to none, and she said "Exactly, she is a train wreck. Don't think about taking her back because you will just be setting yourself up for more hurt in the future." I honestly believe that she really tried to make the relationship work, but she just didn't have the tools to do it because of the illness. She told me that the PHD that she saw for 3-4 months in 2019 told her that she had no business being in a committed relationship in her mental state. According to her, she told him that she had to try because she couldn't lose me.

So just as me, you have a track record and the only common denominator is YOU. Do you think this was just bad luck? its set in stone, if you do nothing, you will miraculously find another just like her. There are millions like you and millions like her.

No, it's not bad luck. It's something within myself that I'm working on with my counselor. I have lousy self-confidence at times, and I apparently I feel more comfortable being in relationships with flawed women. I am working on my self-confidence and self-awareness quite extensively so I can be a better partner for someone in the future. I tried getting my ex-g/f to go to couples counseling with me right after the breakup and thought that might inspire her to go back to individual counseling to work on herself. She seemed to warm up to the idea at first then ran off with the rebound guy two weeks later. I really believe that scared her to death, and she found another flawed person that might be willing to stay in the dark with her (he is a recovering alcoholic that got out of rehab less than a year ago).

Thats it in a nutshell and not a damn thing you can do, but pick up the pieces and understand how you can have such an attraction to this, you deserve better. I wish you well. Peace

Thanks, I know I deserve better and am trying to break this cycle in counseling. I've learned so much about myself over the past couple of months that I didn't know about myself. My ex-g/f seems have a desire to keep the same destructive behaviors going, and hopefully her rebound love will keep saying NO to her inquiries for a marriage proposal. As I said, I think he's mostly in it for the sex. Knowing her like I do, she'll cut him off before too long.



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« Reply #29 on: July 31, 2020, 11:15:13 AM »

and hopefully her rebound love will keep saying NO to her inquiries for a marriage proposal.
it will be love, right up until she decides to knock him off the pedestal.
'Love' needs to be replaced with " object" in the clinical world. It is the dynamic in BPD/NPD traits. Do you still believe you had a loving r/s?
You appear to be using the term "love" very loosely, and yes keeping her guessing, on marriage will consume her, she NEEDS the attachment. Ask 20 people their definition of love, i was shocked at all the different answers i got. geez i thought i knew, some were the same, then others seemed ridiculous to me...Ask BPD this question and you will get a fantasy based answer, Unconditional, soulmate, and others...EVERY SINGLE TIME...This time you have with her occupied, could serve you well, or keep you stuck, it really is your decision. With healthy detachment you will regain your old self, and have a chance to better you. Some pain is required but nothing more than what you have been dealing with, forever. Then as these ugly heads rear their ugly head again, you realize you are coping with them better. I read somewhere that people believe the problem, is the problem. The reality is, its the way we cope with the problem, that is actually the problem. I have yet to prove this false. i wish you well, Peace

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