My family is the most important part of my life.

[Ione]

My adult daughter (34) cut off communication with us on December 31st and has not let us see or talk with our grandchildren.  We've been through several hurtful texts and emails.  My husband went through a cancer scare recently with a MRI biopsy and I emailed her to let her know.  (I'm blocked from calling/texting her.)  When we got the results back that it was benign, I emailed and said "Wanted to let you know we just got the call about your Dad.  The spot is benign - not cancer.  Thank God!  Hope you all are well!  We love you!"  She emailed back (copying her friend) saying:  "Knew it wouldn't be.  You like to make things dramatic.  I don't want any part.  I honestly dunno why you are still emailing me.  Do we want to bring up the fact you threw yourself over a 6 level condo?  The fact you chased me away from your apartment.  The fact you put yourself on the side of the highway looking for help.  I am soo done.  STOP TALKING TO ME!  I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!  I HAVE A LIFE.  MY KIDS HAVE A LIFE.  LEAVE ME ALONE!"  

First, she didn't even acknowledge anything about her Dad.  I can't understand how she wouldn't be thankful.  Second, I'm not sure what the "facts" she brought up were about.  I did make a comment one time when we were on vacation that going through menopause sucked and that I would like to fling myself off the balcony.  Probably not the best analogy, but I didn't think she would believe that I would actually seriously think about it.  As for the other comments...I have no idea what she's talking about.

We were supposed to go on a family vacation in June.  She told us in one of the many texts we have received she and her children would not be going and they were no longer a part of this family.  This has been said MANY times.  Well, we did venture to a beach condo a couple of weeks ago with our son, daughter-in-law and grandson - social distancing and wearing a mask.  My daughter some how saw a picture my daughter-in-law added to her FaceBook page.  My daughter-in-law has blocked her from FaceBook because of some of the ugly things she has said.  Then, I got an email and she was extremely angry that we were at the beach and "did we use the room they were supposed to stay in for luggage."  There were rows of haha's listed and that "ya'll have done such a great job on keeping the family together. Psych.  Glad you could enjoy ANOTHER vacation without us lmao.  Ya'll need help.  So disgusting and so glad my kids aren't a part of ya'll's toxic behavior," then several more haha's.  Then "so thankful God has pulled me from this relationship (more haha's) can't wait to share to the rest of the fam on my fb," and ended with, again, several rows of hahaha's.

I'm probably giving too much info, but honestly, I'm not sure what to do.  I've read the books "Walking on  Eggshells" and "I Hate You - Don't Leave Me," but if she is not speaking to us, not sure how to use any of the suggestions in the books.  My husband said if she wants space, give it to her.  When she's ready to talk, she will.  I feel though that I need to make sure she knows we love them.  She has made up so many stories and I'm not sure who all she has told that she was abused.  My family is the most important part of my life.  My husband said she knows that and he said she is blaming me for all her bad decisions because she is used to me "fixing" everything for her.  He is trying to be supportive and in his job, deals with a wide-range of personalities and sees a lot of similar traits.

So, my question is...do I continue to try and reach out every so often sending an email and just saying something like "Thought about you today - just wanted you to know that we love you."  I feel like I get mixed messages from her - "f-off" and "I'm angry you went on vacation without us."  In the last 15 years, the only other times she did not go with us on vacation was a last minute thing on her side where all of the sudden they couldn't go.  I don't know why I felt the need to explain that.  She has told so many people stories that aren't true, that I guess I feel the need to defend it when I can.  

Any advice would be appreciated!  

Thank you!
Ione

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.

I am so sorry for all you are dealing with.  It is devastating when a family member sees such a distorted version of reality and directs it towards us isn't it? 

My husband said if she wants space, give it to her.  When she's ready to talk, she will.  I feel though that I need to make sure she knows we love them. 

Yes, the instinct to reassure them of our love is strong and instinctive.  The thing is, a lot of what seems instinctive does not work well with highly sensitive people or pwBPD (people with BPD).  Trying to convince her that you care about and love her may actually be invalidating to her.  A lot of us try to do what you are talking about here so do not worry about that.   Learning news ways to interact and communicate takes time and practice and none of it is intuitive.

When she says she wants space, in whatever way she words it, it really is best to give it to her.  There is not much you can say when someone is not ready to hear you and continuing to try can again be seen as invalidating.

She has made up so many stories and I'm not sure who all she has told that she was abused.  My family is the most important part of my life.  My husband said she knows that and he said she is blaming me for all her bad decisions because she is used to me "fixing" everything for her.

 
I understand this to an extent.  The primary person in my life with BPD traits and other mental disorders was my mother and she did similar with me.  Being blamed and talked about, especially being accused of being abusive is very hurtful.  The thing I learned over time is that most people are wise enough to not believe it.  The more we deny the worse it gets at least in my experience.

So, my question is...do I continue to try and reach out every so often sending an email and just saying something like "Thought about you today - just wanted you to know that we love you."

How often are you thinking of doing this?  Some members here with adult kids with BPD have sent very occasional messages saying they are thinking of them etc. and it has been okay.   

I feel like I get mixed messages from her - "f-off" and "I'm angry you went on vacation without us."

Well, she is giving you mixed messages, but they are probably quite reflective of her feelings when she says them.     pwBPD tend to be ruled by their emotions.  Also, for them feelings = facts a lot of the times.   It can be infuriating and quite hurtful when this happens.  Unfortunately there is not much we can do to convince them otherwise when they are in the middle of an emotional dysregulation.  We do have other tools that can help, like Don't Be Invalidating to Others.  We also focus a lot on self care and developing coping skills of our own to help us when things get difficult.

We have a list of articles that are quite helpful to people just starting out here.  How to get the most out of this site

I hope you post more as we have many parents who have been where you are now and have worked their way through to a better place for themselves.

Again,

[Ione]

Thank you so much for the advice!  It really is a struggle and hard to deal with all of this and am so glad this site is here!

I was thinking I would just email her every couple of weeks just to say "Hey, thinking about you all today."  I don't want to try and force anything and definitely don't want to take any more steps backward.  We (my husband, son, daughter-in-law and myself) all want them to be a part of our lives at some point, but we know it will be different.  We hope, at some point, they want to be a part of our lives too.  We used to see our grandkids at least one to two times per week.  I can't imagine what they may be going through.  We are not reaching out to them because we don't want her to think we are trying to go behind her back.  They are 12 and 13 and each have a cell phone, so they could reach out to us if they need to - unless she deleted our phone numbers which is highly possible.

I will definitely read through all the articles because I absolutely do not know what to do.  I am so sad and my heart goes out to everyone that is in the same situation.  It hurts.

Again, thank you!
Ione

[Huat]

Hi lone

Great insight from Harri...much to think about.  I so agree with his comment..."When she says she wants space, in whatever way she words it, it really is best to give it to her."

Bottom line, though, is that it is you and you alone, who has to make the decisions on how to proceed...how much or how little to make contact...what to say when you do.  It can be like walking in a mine field.

Hurt?  You bet it hurts...and it will always hurt...but hopefully with less and less intensity.   Constant sadness should not be part of your life.  It can take its toll mentally and physically.  It sounds like you have good support with your husband, son and daughter-in-law...a true blessing some can't count as their own.

It is sad indeed that your grandchildren are in the middle of all this drama.  Teen years can be really tough...a time when they are faced with adverse influences and so much better if they have a stable, unified family to help keep them on the straight and narrow. 

In one of your other posts you voiced fear that their mother may be at work swaying them to side with her.  Sadly, altogether possible.  Not much you can do about that besides continuing to be the person you always have been...their loving grandmother. 

You are not alone...lone.  Hope you keep coming back...sharing...helping others who need the same kind of support.

To brighter and brighter days for all of us.

((HUGS)  ...from Huat