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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Once we entered the "rage" phase, I was attacked often and violently.  (Read 396 times)
BlueSpring
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up/estranged
Posts: 77


« on: July 04, 2020, 11:45:52 AM »

Hello.  I'm happy to have found this place.  

I've been in a relationship with a woman with BPD for just about three years.  It has been quite a ride.  We went through all of the stages.  At first, it was great.  She acted like a damsel in distress, and I fell right into my role as knight in shining armor.  This went on like this for months.  I helped her get an attorney for her up coming divorce, and I helped her get an attorney for her criminal charges - aggravated stalking of her soon-to-be-ex after an injunction.  That was the first red flag I chose to ignore.  After all, she was fun, loving, sexy, and seemed to think the sun rose and set on me.  

About two weeks after she told me she was in love with me and wanted to officially become a couple, I found myself in the worst physical attack of my adult life, and it all happened because I didn't want to go over to her house one Friday night.

I guess it started earlier in the week.  She had been drinking (she's also an alcoholic) and she became uncomfortably physical.  She began grabbing at me and trying to tickle me.  I told her to stop, but I was surprised by her strength and aggression.  I was finally able to push her away, and I left.  But the next night she demanded I come over again because she wanted to go to a restaurant.  She was drunk again, and they refused to serve her alcohol.  This set her off.  She became so loud and embarrassing, I had to leave her there.  Thursday, she had a appointment with her new divorce attorney.  She showed up bombed and made such a bad impression that he eventually dropped her as a client.  But Friday came around, and I needed a break.  This was too much.  She became demanding and threatening.  (When she wants her own way, she threatens to get another man.  That's not an idle threat.  She actually will cheat.)  So I went over and was attacked.  She was able to get my glasses, my wallet, my phone, my car keys, and my, thus, my car.  I called the police, but she sweet talked me out of pressing charges.  In the short interim, she had a affair with a guy she had on the hook when she began dating me.  She held on to him for months until I found out, and I got rid of him.  

I know this is long, but I had to describe her moods and character.  Because this never stopped.  Once we entered the "rage" phase, I was attacked often and violently.  The only way I could have defended myself would have been to punch her out, but then she would call the police and have me arrested.  She demanded that I get rid of an old friend whom she didn't like.  She demanded that she be allowed to track me on a phone app.  She demanded all of my passwords.  I said, NO!  And we fought about those things non-stop.  There's so much more to tell, but I'll spare you.  You get the idea.

As of now, she has a new boyfriend.  A man she knew in high school, and he hasn't seen her in 50 years.  All he has are the phone calls, voice calls, the flirting, and the flattery.  He ran across the country, leaving everything behind, to be with her.  

Why do I care?  Because he's in for a rude awakening, and she might come back to me to pick up the pieces.  
« Last Edit: July 04, 2020, 01:23:18 PM by Harri, Reason: changed title pursuant to guideline 1.5 » Logged
Gemsforeyes
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1130


« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2020, 12:14:13 PM »

Dear BlueSpring-

Welcome to our community.  I am so sorry for what you’ve been through.  So sorry.

I need to say... you can NEVER tell too much...these relationships are complicated, as are our reasons for staying.  And sadly our reasons for going back in once we’re “out” are also complicated.  I forgave and forgave over and over - for 6.5 years.  But I have finally ended mine for good as of February 2020.  And I’m grateful to be out.  Not going back.

You know you cannot change her.  And warning the new man will do no good if he’s in the “honeymoon” phase.

So tell me.. are you waiting to pick up the pieces for her?  Or are you ready to truly try and detach?

I know this is painful.  But I learned the hard way.  I could not love him to wellness.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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BlueSpring
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up/estranged
Posts: 77


« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2020, 01:31:59 PM »

Hi.  Thanks for replying.  I really need to talk this out with people who have experienced this.  At first, I didn't know what was happening.  I didn't know if I was crazy or if she was crazy because I never experienced anything like this before.

I guess I have to confess that I am waiting to pick up the pieces.  Because even though this is dysfunctional, I'm reacting to what feels like rejection as if this had been a normal relationship.  I've done some reading, and I know this is BPD.  She exhibits most of the symptoms.  Intellectually, I know what this is.  So I don't understand why I'm feeling all of the things you feel in a normal break-up.

On the other hand, I know that being free from this the best thing for my personal growth.  I just don't know why I want to see this new thing blow up in her face.  I'm not a bad person, or a vindictive person.  Why do I feel like this?
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Gemsforeyes
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1130


« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2020, 01:32:29 AM »

Hey BlueSpring-

While you’re posting on the “Detaching” board, I’m going to ask a few questions for clarification; and try to point some things out to you.  Please know, I hope you don’t feel I’m being harsh with you.  That’s NOT my intention.  This stuff hurts deeply.

When did the two of you actually break up?  And how much time passed (if any) between when your relationship ended and the high school man moved cross-country?

When was your last contact with her - either by phone or in person?  What were the circumstances that led to your breakup?

Am I understanding correctly that she has not seen this current man in 50 years... meaning she is well over 60?  (I am 62, and my ex BPD/NPD BF is also 62).

You state above that she is an alcoholic.  I’m really sorry about that.  Were her escalations to violence mostly an issue when she drank, or did that not matter because she drank nearly daily?  Did she ever honestly address that her drinking was an issue that she wished to obtain help with?

Before I continue, please rest assured that this site IS anonymous.  Your answers are safe here, however please only respond where you’re comfortable.

Regarding her violence toward you:  I truly hope you see how dangerous this was and IS for you.  I’m not certain from what you’ve written... did she ever have you arrested during any of her assaults against you?   

We have many male members her who’ve been victims of DV (domestic violence).  This is NOT something for you to downplay... to take lightly, at all.   Have you dealt with DV in any prior relationships?

Regardless of how much you may love her, defending yourself from her violent outbursts can EASILY lead to devastating changes in your life as you know it. 

Did you ever consult with (privately and anonymously) DV experts?  You may wish to consider this option BEFORE opening the door to renewing this relationship.

It’s okay to feel the confusion you feel.  Many of us have felt that long after our relationships have ended.  So many questions and “what if’s”...  We want closure, answers, another chance, and another one after that.  And we desperately want to “fix” things and express the deep compassion we hold for our lovers.  The thing is though, these are NOT “normal” relationships.  They’re just not.

I would urge some caution at this stage.  From what you’ve described... and how you seem to feel today, you’re not done yet.  You’re feeling that her new relationship may “blow up in her face” and you’re willing to step in.   You kind of wish that relationship *will* blow up in her face, yet you’re not a bad or “vindictive” person.  That’s a pretty natural reaction, I’d say.

And here’s where I’d caution you, my friend.  You understand her past behavior because You’ve experienced it firsthand.  She does cheat...  please don’t be that guy.  You don’t know WHAT the current man has sacrificed to move to her.  And you DON’T know how vindictive HE may be - toward you.  If she does anything with you while with him, you WILL be blamed.  This I can almost guarantee.  She will likely accept NO accountability or responsibility.  PwBPD or NPD traits rarely if ever accept responsibility for their actions.  So if she cheats on him, let it be with someone other than you.  Hands clean, my friend.  Hands clean. 

And Remember... what someone will do FOR you, they will also do TO you.  But then, you already know this.

Once you think these things through for a little bit, I’d like your thoughts.  Many of us find that these relationships force us to look inward.  That often becomes the real challenge, and sometimes the most enlightening and rewarding.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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BlueSpring
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up/estranged
Posts: 77


« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2020, 07:01:40 AM »

Hi Gemsforeyes,
Thank you for your insights.  This has given me a lot to think about.  And it has put much of this into a perspective that I can begin to manage. 

To answer some of your questions:

When did we break up?  I guess officially about three weeks ago.  When I discovered that she was cheating with this High School guy, I just gave up on her.  He's just the latest in a long line.  It never was just she and I in this relationship.  There was always a third party that she had on hold, mostly from her social media. 

How long before High School guy moved in?  That overlapped.  She seemed to be trying to hang on to me, while he was preparing to move in with her.  I've seen some of the things he's written to her, and he's under the impression (or caught in the web) that his love will save her.  (insert eye roll here)

Last contact - She sent me a very nasty, insulting text message two days ago.  It was odd in true BPD fashion.  She impugned my character and some of my physical characteristics, then she demanded that I finish helping her sort out her divorce settlement.  I don't intend to help her anymore with that. 

She is 62, and I'm 60.

Alcohol - She knows it's a problem.  She tries to go cold turkey, and she has expressed a willingness to go to rehab.  Sometimes she seems very serious about getting sober, but that happens only when she has a new man on the hook.  She's been Marchman acted twice.  She always goes back to drinking and blames it on me.  I've told her over and over that neither I nor anyone else can be held responsible for her drinking, but as we both know, BPDs never take responsibility. 

The violence - it's been bad, pervasive, and very unpredictable.  When she's in a rage, she seems to acquire extra strength.  I've read where this is common with emotionally unstable people and that staff members in hospitals have a difficult time containing patients like this. Further, if I fought back, she would have called the police and convinced them that I was the one who was beating her.

For the smallest reasons, I've been attacked.  In one incident, I went over to her house unsuspecting that the "monster" was loose. The minute I walked in the door, I knew something was wrong.  She was angry, and I didn't know why.  I soon found out it was because I was Facebook friends with someone she had a fight with.  Just some background on this, she apparently got into a dispute with this friend of hers and it escalated.  The friend later told me that my ex sent her messages so obscene that she refused to even tell me what they were.   I remained friends with this woman, and my ex blew up.  She confronted me and demanded to know if I had "unfriended" her yet.  I said no and that I didn't want to get in the middle of her fight.  Well, that did it.  She came at me and threw her full weight against me and pushed me into the wall.  I twisted my knee in the process and fell down.  She was on me.  She battered my head unrelenting, and somehow kept pushing me down.  I don't know what she was using to keep me down.  I finally got up when I was able to kick backwards at her and she jumped back.  I pushed her out of the way and left.  But not without a lasting souvenir, the beating loosened the retina in my left eye, and I have to be checked often to monitor it.  I experience flashes of white light in the corner of that eye.   That's just one incident.  There are more.

As far as High School guy goes, I'm sure she's told him many lies about me.  She told me many lies about her other exes.  From some of the stupid things he's said, I believe he's living in some dreamy, romantic fantasy, and that it's going to shatter all over him.  I never defended myself from her not just because she would have convinced the police that I was the aggressor, but because I don't hit women.  But if he tries something, I'll have to problem hitting him.  I am prepared to defend myself.  I'm not afraid of him.

I hope that answers the questions.  I very much appreciate your taking the time to help me out with this.  Your insights are very valuable to me.  I can assure you that I don't want to see her right now, and I don't intend to help her anymore with her divorce or anything else.  Just as another note, she's facing a criminal traffic offense right now, and she's ignoring it.  If she gets arrested again, I have no intention of helping her bail out or getting her an attorney. 

This is my story, and these are my thoughts.

With much gratitude, introspection, and humility,
BlueSpring

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