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Author Topic: My BPD partner broke up 8 year relationship but wants to remain best friends.  (Read 768 times)
Match 1966

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What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up but wants remain best friends
Posts: 6


« on: July 08, 2020, 09:05:41 PM »

I'm not sure how to use this yet, but I need someone to talk to.

I am confused, hurt and just dont know what is going on. This situation is complicated as we are both female and in a hidden relationship and have been for the last 8 years. I'm going to be as honest as I can be, which feels strange because I have never discussed this with anyone before. I was married and we had an affair. My husband I divorced and we have continued this relationship since that time. We are both in our 50's. Not kids who do not know what they want.

It has been rocky of course, lots of conflict, but lots of good times too. She told me when I first entered the relationship that she had BPD, along with being bipolar with psychotic tendencies and PTSD. I really did not research what all of that would mean to me and for me, but have learned over time of the mood swings and devaluation. I never read any more about the BPD because all of the negative responses on line were not this person I am in love with. She is loving and caring and giving, she just has some severe mood swings. I am emotionally charged and have done my share of yelling in fight. But usually with a little time apart, the situation defuses and things are back to good.

We live in separate households as I still have children at home and I would spend the night at her house once every 2 weeks. She would eat dinner at my house with me and my children just about every night. We also did alot of activities together, some things with her family also. We would also take my kids on short trips when they were younger. We work the same days at the same facility. We do not work side by side, as she is a night time supervisor, but not my direct supervisor and I work in another area in a different role. We are both healthcare workers. As far as everyone else knows, we are just best friends.

Her behavior has changed drastically in the time we have been together. She used to cut herself on a regular basis every few months. She also used to drink just about every night and mix alcohol with her prescribed xanax. She hasnt done either for years. She also used to go to therapy weekly. At one point and time, during an episode of stress, she was having black out periods and then she would find her car parked outside of her garage. She had concerns she was driving around while in this state of mind. I asked her to please talk to her therapyst about it and see if a medication adjustment was needed. When she did, they wanted to admit her to a facility because she was considered to be a danger to herself. She knows just what to say to get out of it, so she never went back.

That's been about 7 years ago. She used to have episodes when I would find her in a dissociated state. She would be wandering around in her house, her gun sitting out on her night stand. I'm not sure if she even knew I was there. I would usually put the gun up, help her to bed and stay with her until she fell asleep. The next day she would have no memory of the events that took place the night before. She would even come to my house like that. When I worked different days than she did, she would send me crazy texts at work at night where she was terrified of something. When I would check on her on my way home from work the next morning, she again had no memories of the events. Sometimes she would say she had lost her phone and found it in her closet, so I assume she was hiding in there. She still hears voices and noise in her head and goes thru periods where she is distant and tells me she feels dead inside. But the crazy stuff hasnt happened for years.

We have had the same days off and had our daily routine and things have been ok. I sometimes forget she in not normal until she starts being an asshole and starts hurting my feelings on a regular basis and I have to remind myself it is the BPD. That is until the covid hit.

We had had plans to continue our same routine as normal when we were preparing for the mandatory isolation. But when things became real, she pretty much locked herself up in her house and away from our land and away from me. As I said before, we are healthcare worker and at risk at being exposed. So we isolated from each other to protect each other in case one of us was exposed. This was devastating. I was scared and so was she. I never realized how intense her fear was until things started to open up and she still refused to spend time together. I think I fought with her about it just about every weekend. I asked her if she just did not want to spend time with me, wanted th o break up or what? I was very frustrated and stressed. She would not give in. I could not understand her actions. She said at one point that she was terrified that if she spent time with me she would make me sick. I told her she was being irrational in her fears and that I felt like our relationship was in trouble. Of course I could not let it be, not realizing the fear she was having from the BPD. She said she didnt know if she wanted to be in a romantic relationship any more or just best friends. Then I pushed her a point to where she said that she felt like I had backed her in to a corner. I quit the conversation, told her I was sorry and said goodnight.

The next day we apologized. When I asked her about still wanting to continue a romantic relationship, she said she wanted to be best friends but really did not want to be "together" anymore. That was the end of May. Since then, I have tried to educate myself on BPD and DBT. I have read and read and have a much greater understanding of her fear and anxiety.

I know I pushed her too hard and created her to split our romantic relationship. I have apologized to her for hurting her, saying her fears were irrational and for not being more understanding. She has been sending me so many mixed signals. The month before our breakup, we celebrated our birthdays and 8th anniversary. She finally decided it would be ok if we saw each other, but with no physical contact except for a hug, and we had a nice evening together. The next week, she wanted to try and overcome her fears and have a dinner together. And again we had a lovely time. But, of course, unwanted our life together back to normal and just had to keep pushing her until the fight I was talking about happened.

She has been sending me all of these mixed signals that lead me to believe that she just needed time. I even texted her to the fact that I realized she just needed time to work this stuff out and that I would be there and we are going to be ok. She responded with "yes we are".

She tells me she loves me every morning when she wakes up and every night when she goes to bed. I can say it I love you at these times, but if I say it any other time, she gets frustrated with me and says I say it just so she will say it back because I need constant reassurance. We have had breakfast together after work a few times if she is not too stressed and have been eating and now swimming together once a week at her house and then spending some time together watching tv once a week. I think we had dinner together twice in one week a few weeks ago.

Last week I was asking if we were going to do anything together that day and she said no. I said our lives were never going to get back what they were before and she said she guessed not. I asked if I was wrong in thinking that after I gave her time to work through her fears that our lives would go back to what they used to be. Then she told me she thought she made it clear that we were best friends and nothing more. I told her I was confused because she tells me she loves me and even calls me sweetheart. She said we do love each other as best friends but she would quit saying it if it was confusing me. She said she did not have the same feelings for me as she did before and she did not think it would change and that she felt bad for me hanging on to something that was no longer there.

When I asked what I had done to cause her feelings for me to change, she said I was very mean to her, I dismissed her feelings and was willing to put both of our lives at risk just to spend time together. I owned it, said i was wrong and aplogized for making her feel that way. I asked if there was someone else. She says no, and right now I beleive her.  

So now I dont even know what to do. She said I will always be her best friend and that will never change. So I guess her feelings for me have just shut off like a switch. I have been reading books on high conflict relationships, learning DBT and trying to learn all about borderline personality disorder that I can, in addition ton to mindful relationships. This is really hard for me and I want to repair the damage that I have cause and I want our life back.

I just need to know if this will pass. The positive covid numbers continue to grow in our area at a rapid rate, which I know is creating her more anxiety and fear. And we are starting to see another surge of positive cases in our workplace which is adding to her fears. Do I have any hope? I am not ready to throw the last 8 years away. But I can't make her want something that she doesn't. I'm just not sure if she is not still in a state of crisis and it will disappear in time and I am confused about her being adamant about us being best friends. Any help and advice is appreciated. And you are right. It feels good to say I am hurting and need help.
« Last Edit: July 08, 2020, 11:15:37 PM by Harri, Reason: changed formatting (added paragraphs) » Logged
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Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



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« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2020, 03:09:58 PM »

Hi March 1966,

I want to welcome you to BPDFamily. I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult and confusing time. I am glad that you have joined us.

You’re going in the right direction with learning about BPD. Learn as much as you can about the disorder.

About the disorder, you’re not responsible for it, a r/s is like a tennis match, you have hundreds of thousands of transactions between two people - to use Skips words. These transactions go back and forth between two people so she has her share of transactions - don’t blame yourself for where things are today.

You’re trying to find out about the disorder because you care deeply about this person. You’re trying to mend the r/s. A pwBPD are at a deficit when it comes to r/s’s, they want to have an intimate r/s but because they are emotionally stunted at the age of a two or three year old they have not developed healthy adult r/s skills compounded by covid it is going to make it that much more difficult. BPD behaviors escalate during periods of stress. We’re in really stressful times and I’m sorry that it’s creating this friction.

I think that you have a couple of things here that are distractions. She could genuinely be concerned about not having you become sick from covid and she’s self isolating and pushing you away in her way to protect you.

This is going to be harder to hear there’s a possibility that she’s self isolating for the reasons why are self isolating but it seems like there are periods were she’s causing a distraction and pushing you away further because it be possible that she’s feeling hard feelings and blame shifting them because she’s feeling guilty about being with someone else. I’m not saying that this is certain 100%.

I have a similar habit like you with texting my gf in the mornings and the evenings and it’s been a long standing routine. What I am hearing from your post is that she’s blame shifting her feelings into you and you’re taking these feelings on.

What are your thoughts?
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Match 1966

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up but wants remain best friends
Posts: 6


« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2020, 08:42:38 AM »

Are you saying she is very possibly feeling guilty about something she has done, like seeing someone else, and blaming me for the relationship breakup because she doesn't want to take responsibility for her being the actual cause?  This doesnt seem like the person I know, but this whole situation doesnt seem like her either. And I never realized her BPD was this extreme. She is considered very high functioning, from what I have read. But there are so many similiar posts out there and it looks like this is usually how it seems to end.
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Mutt
Retired Staff
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2020, 11:55:11 AM »

Excerpt
Are you saying she is very possibly feeling guilty about something she has done, like seeing someone else, and blaming me for the relationship breakup because she doesn't want to take responsibility for her being the actual cause?

A part of the disorder is projection a pwBPD will project or cast off their feelings and actions on others to protect their ego when they are stressed.

We all project, projection is not synonymous with a pwBPD but a pwBPD will do this a thousand fold compared to a non.

BEHAVIORS: Projection

A pwBPD have low self esteem, self loathing and self hate and feel a lot of shame. BPD behaviors precipitate internally though their own actions or externally from the actions of others that they cannot route in a healthy way and will reroute it in a unhealthy way. That being said your pwBPD is being avoidant and if she’s saying something loudly or repeatedly it’s a distraction. You have to look at the actions, bring unfaithful could be one reason or perhaps she’s pushing because she’s feeling engulfed or she it could be because of her attachment style as well. I’m not saying that with a 100% probability that she is but usually you’ll feel it intuitively that your partner is not being faithful and there are other signs as well that we sometimes push away or deny.

If she wants to remain best friends that’s a good sign because you know that she has feelings for you - positive feelings. If she didn’t have positive feelings then she would go no contact and you’d have to wait for those positive feelings to come back. As it stands now you don’t have to work with that. It sounds like you’re doing positive things.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Match 1966

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up but wants remain best friends
Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: July 13, 2020, 10:49:18 PM »

Do their feelings come back when this happens? Can they turn the switch back on once it has been turned off. For the most part, I feel like I have been good for her. And I'm sure she wants to remain best friends because of that. I am just wondering if the other positive feeling that have been lost will ever return. After her anger she is feeling towards me dissipates or if it ever will.

Also, what is term distraction mean in the BPD world?
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Match 1966

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up but wants remain best friends
Posts: 6


« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2020, 12:01:58 AM »

I had added this before, but I cant find it so I must not have completed it. We still spend time together each week. "As best friends". She always says she wants to. She also says that's why she tells me she loves me every day. When I asked why she continued to do this if we were no longer a couple, she said because we still love each other as best friends. As I mentioned in my first post, we are both healthcare workers. That is why the covid has place such a large stressor on our lives. I provide direct care for covid patients when they are in our facility so I am in direct contact with them. Of course, I wear my PPE. She is in a more administrative role and has to see the growing numbers in our area and also in our facility. She also has to be present in "code blue" situations where it is unknown if the person in cardiac arrest has been exposed to covid and no PPE is usually worn during these emergent situations. This is very stressful for both of us. But I do not have BPD. I could see the change in her personality when we had our first covid admissions. I could see her immediately isolate herself and act like there was something wrong with me for not understanding. She said she was terrified we would make each other sick. That's why I am just not sure about this break up and if it's because she is so overwhelmed and scared or if she has, like you said, found someone else and just does not want to admit it. This is so confusing. I think you said I needed to pay attention to actions. Not necessarily words, especially words being spoken loudly as they are distractions? I think I asked before, but what is a distraction?
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