Reversing after a restraining order - advice?

[Shakthi]

Hi all,

I am sure there are others in my boat or have been there and I am looking for stories/ advice. I walked out with the kids 2 weeks ago from my uBPDh. I was sure I was getting a restraing order and a divorce. We have a the restraining  order for now and I have time till the end of the month. He is high functioning and has provided  well for me and the kids. We had an incident on June 20th (dometic violence) and the aftermath that made me walk out. Now I am conflicted. I can’t bear to think tHat with a permanent restraining order i’ll never speak to him again and everything has to be with my lawyer. He has left the house and his lawyer says his intent is for me and the kids to have the house and he will support us. I want him in the kids life, he has been mostly good to them (except some emotional
Drama) that cannot be avoided. Ideally I want some time off for the two of us ti process things and get therpay. I thought I was ready for divorce, now I am wavering and I want to be able to discuss kid stuff with him, although I am terrifies of him getting 50% custody. I know I want things that aren’t going to work or I have no control over, but I cannot shake the need to talk to him again or have him i volved in the kids lifes. I am confused and conflicted. If I let the retraining order drop, the boundary I set will be broken and it will create issues. If I dont drop it, he will have immigration issues and his contribution financially and physically to the kids lives may be over. Anyone with experience who can share thoughts? Thanks.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Shakthi, as you know I am in the same boat having two children and waiting for a TRO to go through against my BPDw. I can also see like me you are struggling with the emotional component of the VERY BRAVE and essential thing that you did. The happier memories as a family make the idea of bringing the court and police into things feel so wrong.

But Shakthi you have to remember one very important thing; your husband was violent towards you. By doing so he crossed a boundary that you had no choice but to enlist the support of the law to set back in place. He has made it clear that your safety (and possibly that of the kids) is not his priority. Right now, the first priority is getting you and the kids into a safe and stable situation. Only after that has been established can the relationship mending begin.

I don't see the RO as the end of her relationship with me and the kids; rather I see it as the the ground I need to set to build those relationships. She was not capable of respecting those boundaries on her own. Maybe with the law to hold her in place, she will discover new capabilities in herself for change. But priority number one is SAFETY. His financial contribution will mean little if your own physical safety is at stake.

And I don't know of the law where you are is the same as where I am but you should still have the option of letting him see you and the kids; the only difference is that YOU decide when that happens.

That said, I do appreciate the nuances of your situation. I am somewhat the reverse, as I am the foreigner in my wife's country. Thankfully I've built up a life I can sustain on my own. Worst case scenario, would you be able to sustain yourself and the kids if he ran into immigration problems?

~Roland