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Author Topic: How to respond to accusations?  (Read 942 times)
bated
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« on: July 14, 2020, 10:41:18 AM »

I have had a number of accusations leveled against me over the almost 3 years of on-again-off-again relationship with my diagnosed girlfriend with BPD.  The accusations include:
  • I have hacked her phone and her wifi.  This one has been recycled by her a few times.
  • I touch her inappropriately in front of her kids.  She is referring to when I kiss or hug her hello.
  • I am an addict and an enabler.  This is her most recent accusation even though she is the one who uses.

What is the best way to handle these types of accusations?
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Football2000
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« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2020, 01:19:06 PM »

I think accusations come in two types.

The first type is the kind where you do one thing, but because of the intense emotions involved, the other person will construe it so differently in a way that the vast majority of people wouldn't. For example, the hugging and kissing in front of children. Pieces of what you do will accumulate in a way that makes you sound pretty horrible. I think the best way to do it is to try and figure out what the emotions are behind the accusation, validate them, and try and defuse the building up of resentment in that regard. Use the strategies in some of the books recommended here.

The second type is when it is totally out of the blue, random, has nothing to do with your behaviour at all. For example, hacking her phone (I'm assuming you didn't do that anyway). In that case I think it's important to use a strong voice and just say you did not do that. Maybe figure out why she would ask it.
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bated
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« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2020, 02:30:39 PM »

I think accusations come in two types.

The first type is the kind where you do one thing, but because of the intense emotions involved, the other person will construe it so differently in a way that the vast majority of people wouldn't. For example, the hugging and kissing in front of children. Pieces of what you do will accumulate in a way that makes you sound pretty horrible. I think the best way to do it is to try and figure out what the emotions are behind the accusation, validate them, and try and defuse the building up of resentment in that regard. Use the strategies in some of the books recommended here.

The problem is that she refuses to talk about it and will text me instead, making it almost impossible to tell what emotion she is experiencing.  I even tried to ring her and she obviously declined my call.  She even admits that she is better in person than over text.

The second type is when it is totally out of the blue, random, has nothing to do with your behaviour at all. For example, hacking her phone (I'm assuming you didn't do that anyway). In that case I think it's important to use a strong voice and just say you did not do that. Maybe figure out why she would ask it.

I have never hacked her wifi or phone.  She mentioned that she has had someone do it to her in the past.  I am at a loss as how to address it.  As I mentioned above she will avoid an in person or telephone conversation and make these accusations over text.
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Goosey
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« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2020, 03:54:07 PM »

Well I can sympathize. 
  Been accused of so much nonsense the last five years (and today of course ) that nothing surprises me anymore.
I have no advice just venting about it.
   My terminator (hopefully soon to be divorced from wife) stole the bill money for joint obligations for the last two months.
So no health care for the family anymore. 
And when I point out the obvious paper trail she just deflects and projects and ugh. Whatever.  My bad.
Good riddance what’s a couple thousand more down the rabbit hole. I have no compassion for her at this moment. Most likely will come back for a bit I’m sure.
Anyway As bad as it is I am so happy I am over the “tormented with worry about her” stage.  She could give a rats behind about this family. Now it’s just about disconnecting from her.
 Terminator. No feelings. No remorse. Feels no pain. And I believe that right now. 
Ya I was her soulmate. Ya right. I was a 22 year long patsy and she got bored 
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Goosey
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« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2020, 03:59:30 PM »

And I’m a bit upset right now so excuse my statement.
   Wait till she accuses you of molesting the kids!
That’s the upside down part of the roller coaster. 
Ya. These accusations get twisted. 
Good riddance to that life. Terminators. I’ll sleep in a box when this divorce is over happily.
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bated
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« Reply #5 on: July 15, 2020, 01:36:15 PM »

Now it’s just about disconnecting from her.
 Terminator. No feelings. No remorse. Feels no pain. And I believe that right now.  
Ya I was her soulmate. Ya right. I was a 22 year long patsy and she got bored  

I hear you Goosey.  It is not a roller coaster, but rather a missile ride, and you're just not sure when it is going to explode.
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Football2000
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« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2020, 03:12:53 PM »

I'm wondering, if she only wants to communicate over text, perhaps you should try one back and say "I would prefer to talk over the phone or in person." I think that's reasonable. If she just doesn't talk to you after that, she'll have some time to think it over and probably agree to that. I mean, it's not unreasonable. Complex conversations are actually quite hard to have with texting only.

Also, if she really has a hangup about your phone, just say you didn't do it but then don't keep defending yourself more than once. If she is absolutely adamant to believe that, you just have to let her.
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2020, 04:11:54 PM »

Dear bated- (Sorry, I don’t know your full story, but thought I’d respond)

Communication with a pwBPD is THE issue.  The number 1 issue.  If you haven’t already done so, Please look in the TOOLS, WORKSHOPS section under JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  We learn NOT to JADE when dealing with our BPD partners, and tho’ many of the communication tools can sort of feel like learning a new language, they’re very helpful.

No disrespect intended, but I believe one of the last things you’d do is respond with a strong voice that you DID NOT do it (hack devices/WiFi).   But yes, you DO want to perhaps validate some “feeling” behind being hacked.  So maybe say, “wow MY LOVE, that’s intrusive as all get out, and if someone hacked MY phone, I’d call ATT straightaway!” Or if it was my WiFi, I’d maybe say, “whoa, scary thought! If That were me, I’d call my service provider ASAP!”

Re: the hugging or kissing hello in front of kids?  How does she define the relationship to her kids?  Are you two supposed to be just friends?  Is she still married to their father and she’s trying to present a front of sorts?  Does she always accuse the greeting of being inappropriate?  I believe this issue can be gently addressed... “okay, my love...understood.  I want you and the kids to feel comfortable”.  And from then on, let HER lead the physical way when kids are present.

This seems like the biggest issue - The accusation about using and being an enabler... can you give more context for that?  You say she uses.  Do you ever drink alcohol at all, even minimally?  With pwBPD/NPD, in my experience, there is ALWAYS something bubbling just under the surface when they make accusations.  For mine it usually meant a larger explosion was just around the bend (be careful).

Finally, no meaningful conversation should EVER take place via text.  Ever.  Full stop.  We’ve had so many conversations on this forum on that topic.  It just never goes well.

Please share more when you can.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2020, 04:12:18 AM »

Excerpt
What is the best way to handle these types of accusations?

theyre all serious allegations. there isnt a clear cut, bullet proof way of responding.

i think a good place to look at is how have you responded previously to each of these things when they came up?
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bated
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« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2020, 01:06:25 PM »

 @gemforeyes thanks for all the info.  I am aware of JADE and try not to do it but sometimes I slip up when the accusations are outrageous.

I just need to accept that she is going to make baseless accusations from time-to-time.  I believe they blame the people they most care about when they make a mistake (aka projection).

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« Reply #10 on: July 17, 2020, 05:14:04 AM »

projection is not the same thing as hypocrisy.

when she says you touch her inappropriately in front of the kids, she may be saying shes not comfortable with PDA, or she may not be comfortable with affection in front of the kids. thats likely not projection, but a statement of either her boundaries, or where she feels the relationship is at.

for example, if the two of you had been dating three months, it would be common and reasonable to ask you not to engage physically in front of the kids.

its hard to say without more context behind the accusations.


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bated
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« Reply #11 on: July 17, 2020, 11:56:52 AM »

projection is not the same thing as hypocrisy.

when she says you touch her inappropriately in front of the kids, she may be saying shes not comfortable with PDA, or she may not be comfortable with affection in front of the kids. thats likely not projection, but a statement of either her boundaries, or where she feels the relationship is at.

for example, if the two of you had been dating three months, it would be common and reasonable to ask you not to engage physically in front of the kids.

its hard to say without more context behind the accusations.




Noted @OnceRemoved.

It is hard to define "how long we have been together" as we have been on and off so many times over the last 3 years. I am currently getting radio silence and I am thinking about writing her a letter basically saying I care and I am here when you are ready to talk.
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« Reply #12 on: July 22, 2020, 03:43:09 AM »

youve been together three years. its just complicated  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

and its important to understand how that complication...how those make up/breakup cycles have damaged the relationship over the years.

my ex and i never really "recycled". we each said "its over", probably a hundred times. never for more than a few hours, but that was our way of saying "i cant deal with conflict". it was a toxic way of dealing with conflict.

its really important to understand, between all the distortions, where these accusations are coming from and how youve responded to them, if you want to resolve them.
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bated
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« Reply #13 on: July 22, 2020, 01:28:27 PM »

its really important to understand, between all the distortions, where these accusations are coming from and how youve responded to them, if you want to resolve them.

By distortions, you mean the BPD behaviors such as splitting, devaluation, projection, etc?

I have written down some statements which help me find some compassion for her, maybe these will helpful to others:
  • Her behaviors are about her, to help relieve her pain. They are not about me. 
  • If she thinks it, it is real. There is no point in arguing.
  • You do not have to approve of a behavior, but you can validate her pain. State the consequences of a behavior, do not judge it
  • In the moment she is doing the best she can.
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« Reply #14 on: July 24, 2020, 05:00:34 AM »

By distortions, you mean the BPD behaviors such as splitting, devaluation, projection, etc?

im speaking more to the black and white, all or never, kind of thinking.

for example, if my ex had a complaint, a valid one, mind you, it was stated in "all or never" terms, and i tended to respond with examples of how that wasnt true, rather than listening to what was really behind the complaint.

my ex would often be in the right, or there would be a nugget of truth, but she would overstate it, and id seize on that, and get caught up in defending myself.

there is something driving the accusations your ex is making, behind the distorted, and hurtful ways shes saying them. if you can find it, you may be able to nip it in the bud.

Excerpt
I have hacked her phone and her wifi.  This one has been recycled by her a few times.

what do you think is behind this? what is driving the accusation? what are examples of how you respond?

Excerpt
I touch her inappropriately in front of her kids.  She is referring to when I kiss or hug her hello.

what do you think is behind this? what is driving the accusation? what are examples of how you respond?

Excerpt
I am an addict and an enabler.

what do you think is behind this? what is driving the accusation? what are examples of how you respond?
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bated
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« Reply #15 on: July 24, 2020, 11:03:50 AM »

Excerpt
I have hacked her phone and her wifi.  This one has been recycled by her a few times.

what do you think is behind this? what is driving the accusation? what are examples of how you respond?

There are many things which I believe drive this accusation:
  • She has had this happen to her in the past.  There have been men who have "helped" her in the past with securing email/wifi etc but only used it to get her passwords etc.  She told me this.  I did help her to secure her wifi, but I showed her how to do it and let her enter her own passwords etc
  • She sometimes receives double texts on her phone and I am not sure why this is happening.  She switches between and old and a new phone and I believe that this is causing it.  Whenever this happens she accuses me of hacking her phone
  • She refuses to give me access to her wifi as she says she does not feel safe.

Excerpt
I touch her inappropriately in front of her kids.  She is referring to when I kiss or hug her hello.

what do you think is behind this? what is driving the accusation? what are examples of how you respond?

This one I am really not sure of what is behind it.  During the idealization phase she was all over me and had no issue with it. Some of things that might be behind it:
  • She was sexually abused as a kid and does not like showing affection
  • She is currently doing EMDR therapy and maybe this has brought up some repressed memories

Excerpt
I am an addict and an enabler.

what do you think is behind this? what is driving the accusation? what are examples of how you respond?

This one is simple.  She asked me for some prescription medication that I had not used.  She had surgery recently and said she was in pain.
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« Reply #16 on: August 06, 2020, 05:24:26 AM »

There are many things which I believe drive this accusation:
  • She has had this happen to her in the past.  There have been men who have "helped" her in the past with securing email/wifi etc but only used it to get her passwords etc.  She told me this.  I did help her to secure her wifi, but I showed her how to do it and let her enter her own passwords etc
  • She sometimes receives double texts on her phone and I am not sure why this is happening.  She switches between and old and a new phone and I believe that this is causing it.  Whenever this happens she accuses me of hacking her phone
  • She refuses to give me access to her wifi as she says she does not feel safe.

this one, and i say this tentatively, is one you probably dont want to lend too much credence too. the more you argue, the more guilty you look. does she make these accusations as a one off, or is she trying to "have a talk" about it?

This one I am really not sure of what is behind it.  During the idealization phase she was all over me and had no issue with it. Some of things that might be behind it:
  • She was sexually abused as a kid and does not like showing affection
  • She is currently doing EMDR therapy and maybe this has brought up some repressed memories

people have weird intimacy issues. i dont have a problem with most displays of affection, but i hate to be patted.

it may be a PDA thing. it may be an "in front of her kids" thing. she may think it gives them the wrong idea. its hard to say.

the "right response" in general, is going to involve some trial and error, and depend upon the context of your relationship. my mom has a tendency to "think out loud", and it can grate on my introverted nature. it distracts me. some of these things may not merit a response, in which case, you strike some balance between ignoring it outright and letting it slide off your shoulders, acknowledging it without really engaging or inviting more (outright ignoring can be triggering to anyone), and delicately engaging. it might be that there is a time of calm (likely NOT when she brings these things up or is in accusatory mode) and getting a sense (listening) of where she is coming from, which will help you put the pieces together and inform you as to how to engage or not engage.
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