“Doomed From The Start”- can anyone else relate?

[paperinkart]

He was newly divorced when we met and it was obviously a whirlwind. He poured a lot of energy into trying to save his marriage and I do understand he probably doesn’t have a lot left to “save” or “fix” another relationship. He also has a young son and big career goals- that’s where his priorities lay and that’s where they SHOULD be.

Since the beginning, he’s been saying he’s not ready for a serious relationship. It wasn’t in his priorities and he often sees relationships as more of a burden than anything.

When he finally lets go of some of this fear and opens up his heart, he’s suggested marriage and kids and moving in together. But almost immediately, pushed back against it.

He thinks he’s leading me on and as soon as it started to get hard, he gave up hope that we could get better and figure it out. I’ve tried so hard to give him so much freedom and independence in this relationship and I really don’t ask for much in return. When things are positive, I get a LOT in return and a lot of love and connection. But almost right away, his fears pop up and he just goes back to thinking it’s never going to work. But, in his words, as soon as I’m gone “he’ll do anything to get me back.”

And thus, this cycle has continued for 2.5 years. I don’t know how to convince him anymore that the problem is in his head and his way of thinking is distorted. Yes, our relationship is far from perfect, but I need him to acknowledge that it’s his fears are what keep causing him to cut everything off and push the people he loves the most away. He thinks it’s us, but I think it’s BPD. He just gives up when things get hard and then blames it on his fears and how it’s “just his personality”.

Last week, we were talking about babies, and this week, I’m just his “friend”.

If he doesn’t want to change, I can’t force him. But I’m really hurt by this continuous cycle.

Just needed to vent and wondering if anyone can relate? Does anyone else have a partner who feels they “need” to be alone? But then can’t actually be alone for more than a few weeks at a time?

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[Football2000]

I don't think it's really a matter of him "changing" in this case. Rather, it seems like he might have taken a lot of the trauma from his previous marriage and pushed it aside, hiding it in other stuff like career and life.

When someone goes through something horrible like the end of a marriage or relationship, they typically retreat back to work, friends, and family. Although I think that is part of the healing process, it can actually also be detrimental if the person does not also process the grief and emotion. It sounds like your boyfriend somehow still needs to process the grief and emotion. Perhaps that would include stuff like forgiving himself or understanding his role.

The reason I say that is it seems every time he takes a chance and starts something with you, he gets reminded of his past, and fear returns. So, if that is the case then he needs to address that fear. And it doesn't mean taking taking "risks" with it, rather it means self-reflection and understanding, and kindness towards himself by himself.

[Kaufmann]

Would he be open to couples counseling?

I'm currently in couples counseling with my BPD girlfriend. I'm not sure if it's going to save the relationship, but it does help.

Also, ugh. This sounds so incredibly difficult for you. I'm so sorry. I would imagine that his back-and-forth causes you a great deal of pain.

[paperinkart]

Thanks guys!

I agree. I know he has a lot of childhood trauma from his mother (won’t talk much about it to me, even though he tells me everything) and a lot, a lot of pain from his divorce. He did have counselling and time to grieve before we met but he was also a single father for the first time. I don’t think he made a lot of progress.

Even know, he sent me a message saying that I don’t deserve this and he wishes I was “strong and smart enough to let him go”. I’ve also heard this before and it used to make me very anxious but now it just makes me sad.

 I feel like I can see right through the facade and to me, it just feels like the classic “please go but don’t really leave me” of BPD. Or maybe I’m wrong. I’m not sure. He’ll say stuff like this and then be back to normal very soon, often thanking me for sticking with him and loving him even when it’s hard. I just replied and told him that he is worthy of love and his life would be so much easier if he could stop pushing against it and pushing away the people who love him, and try to let it in. I told him I hope he feels better and we’ll talk again soon.

It’s just confusing to know if I’m doing the right thing or if I’m just being a dummy by staying while he’s literally telling me to leave and showing me the door.

BPD is just so frustrating.

Anyway, you asked about counselling. Him and I both know we need individual counselling (I have my own mental health issues), and I’ve mentioned couples therapy before. But money is very tight for us and we can’t swing individual therapy, let alone couples therapy. I’d LOVE to try it though and I feel like it would be so helpful for us, but it will have to wait a while longer, unfortunately.

Thanks for the replies! Really appreciate the support

[Football2000]

Having a clearer idea of what his problems are is useful I think, if only because then you can read about what works empirically, but does he actually have other symptoms of BPD? Only fluctuating indecisively from wanting to be with you to pushing you away doesn't alone constitute BPD. I only mention this because the severity and quality of his symptoms might help you in doing your own research and choosing therapeutic guides out there.

[paperinkart]

Having a clearer idea of what his problems are is useful I think, if only because then you can read about what works empirically, but does he actually have other symptoms of BPD? Only fluctuating indecisively from wanting to be with you to pushing you away doesn't alone constitute BPD. I only mention this because the severity and quality of his symptoms might help you in doing your own research and choosing therapeutic guides out there.

Thank you.

He hasn’t been formally diagnosed by a therapist, but we both think he either has it or has many traits. I’ve done much more research than he has into this, but he was the one who originally sent me an article for BPD and said “I think I have this”, and the more I read, the more I agreed.

I don’t want to diagnose but he does have many other symptoms of a more “quiet” BPD: extreme mood swings (very, very grumpy to extremely happy in a matter of minutes and back again within the hour), struggles with depression (not sure if related but relevant), can’t cope with conflict and will completely withdraw and shut-down when he feels too many emotions or is overwhelmed/stressed; struggles heavily with communication; struggles with  maintaining personal relationships with family and friends; feels a lot of shame and sometimes talks about low self-esteem; unstable sense of identity. He’s also cut out people from him life completely after conflict- not angrily, but just...stubbornly.

Anyway, again I’m no doctor and this is just from my observation and experience from the last couple of years so take it with a grain of salt.

If it were JUST him not being sure about our relationship, then I would definitely take that at face value and be on my merry way, but I think there’s something deeper at play