A little unsure

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Struggling a little now. I wasn’t quite sure what category to post this in since it’s been a relationship in a way and a friendship and God knows what else.

Feeling really tired. It’s a bit of a long story but I’ll try to keep it short - I (F) met a woman at a party last year. We slept together - then found out she actually had a partner at the time who she’d been having some trouble with. We didn’t speak again for a week or so then I contacted her to see how she was doing.

That was when the phone calls started - for an hour or so at first, then they’d be up to 7 hours at a time - mostly conversations about her relationship issues and how terrible a person her partner was.

She put me up on a pedestal and I was hooked in really quickly. It became an emotional affair for a few months and I put myself in situations I never would have otherwise. She kept claiming we had a deep soul connection and it was deeper than the one she had with her partner but wasn’t romantic - then later admitted it had been. She told me I was the only one who’d ever understood her and loved her for who she was - that I was her ‘person’.

I found out she had been diagnosed with BPD but she had ‘decided she didn’t have it’ and dove into spirituality instead to explain her behaviour.

She wanted her partner and I to be friends (after keeping me a secret for a long time) and I went along with it - trying to hang out with him and her at the same time, which always ended badly. Somehow she persuaded me that our sleeping together wasn’t her cheating on her partner because she had ‘mentally broken up with him’ at the time. She also said it didn’t count because she we’re both females (and even though I’m gay I somehow managed to accept that too, then).

She initially told me I needed to unpack my trauma and would encourage those sorts of conversations which led to my breaking down multiple times and her swooping in to ‘rescue’ me. Slowly this kept happening but instead of being gentle she was cold and irritated by my behaviour.

I was completely codependent for a while. Somehow I ended up taking on all of her suggestions - I should be eating X, seeing a naturopath, seeing a spiritual guru, not associating with X person (she really doesn’t have any friends so I think that had something to do with it) so much.

She started out so gentle and kind and affirming and somehow by the end had become the polar opposite of what I thought she was.
I saw my counsellor and after another breakdown told her I was stepping away. I did - and she reached out again not long later. I of course responded and the cycle started again - this was about a week or so ago.

Three days ago she called me in floods of tears telling me she’d finally left her abusive partner - she casually mentioned having wanted to drive herself into a truck because her world was ‘so dark’. This conversation lasted about five hours.
I went to her birthday party the next day.

Every time I’ve ever seen her I’ve dissociated (though I didn’t know that’s what I was doing up until recently) and that happened again - it ended with another breakdown on her front lawn in front of a few people after her cousin told me that she’d been told all about my past trauma. It was not okay - especially given that it was her birthday - I own that part of it.

I got up that morning - she seemed okay. Gave me a hug before she left. An hour or so later I found she’d blocked me on all social media and had sent me an email telling me she can’t have a person like me in her life and she hopes I can learn to manage my issues.

This all after her saying so often at the beginning that I needed to have those breakdowns and that she understood them and would never leave because of it.

So much more to it but I’m just feeling a bit lost. I poured every ounce of energy and love into her and went so far beyond where I should have gone that way (that’s my own issue that I need to sort out of course) and I know this feeling because I’d previously been in a relationship with someone with BPD for 3.5 years.

It’s that total irritation at myself for having fallen into it again and pain because I know she’ll remember none of what I did for her and only what helps her to paint me as what she needs in this moment - which is ‘yet another person who has caused me pain’.

Looking back at it now I realise from the start she never really cared. I was hidden. If we were hanging out it would always be a relationship download on her end - she’d blatantly ignore me half the time when I spoke, would ‘forget’ about arranged meetings all the time, would answer phone calls if we were together and stay on the phone for as long as she wanted.

I’m also feeling really unsure about things as they stand - is she going to try to contact me again even though in her email she said ‘No reply necessary’? She also owes me a substantial amount of money - is it better to just let that go completely since it means I then don’t have to contact her?

Thank you all for any support. It’s day one after the cut off and I know it will get easier. Just really freaking tired.

[tillybandit]

Struggling a little now. I wasn’t quite sure what category to post this in since it’s been a relationship in a way and a friendship and God knows what else.

Feeling really tired. It’s a bit of a long story but I’ll try to keep it short - I (F) met a woman at a party last year. We slept together - then found out she actually had a partner at the time who she’d been having some trouble with. We didn’t speak again for a week or so then I contacted her to see how she was doing.

That was when the phone calls started - for an hour or so at first, then they’d be up to 7 hours at a time - mostly conversations about her relationship issues and how terrible a person her partner was.

She put me up on a pedestal and I was hooked in really quickly. It became an emotional affair for a few months and I put myself in situations I never would have otherwise. She kept claiming we had a deep soul connection and it was deeper than the one she had with her partner but wasn’t romantic - then later admitted it had been. She told me I was the only one who’d ever understood her and loved her for who she was - that I was her ‘person’.

I found out she had been diagnosed with BPD but she had ‘decided she didn’t have it’ and dove into spirituality instead to explain her behaviour.

She wanted her partner and I to be friends (after keeping me a secret for a long time) and I went along with it - trying to hang out with him and her at the same time, which always ended badly. Somehow she persuaded me that our sleeping together wasn’t her cheating on her partner because she had ‘mentally broken up with him’ at the time. She also said it didn’t count because she we’re both females (and even though I’m gay I somehow managed to accept that too, then).

She initially told me I needed to unpack my trauma and would encourage those sorts of conversations which led to my breaking down multiple times and her swooping in to ‘rescue’ me. Slowly this kept happening but instead of being gentle she was cold and irritated by my behaviour.

I was completely codependent for a while. Somehow I ended up taking on all of her suggestions - I should be eating X, seeing a naturopath, seeing a spiritual guru, not associating with X person (she really doesn’t have any friends so I think that had something to do with it) so much.

She started out so gentle and kind and affirming and somehow by the end had become the polar opposite of what I thought she was.
I saw my counsellor and after another breakdown told her I was stepping away. I did - and she reached out again not long later. I of course responded and the cycle started again - this was about a week or so ago.

Three days ago she called me in floods of tears telling me she’d finally left her abusive partner - she casually mentioned having wanted to drive herself into a truck because her world was ‘so dark’. This conversation lasted about five hours.
I went to her birthday party the next day.

Every time I’ve ever seen her I’ve dissociated (though I didn’t know that’s what I was doing up until recently) and that happened again - it ended with another breakdown on her front lawn in front of a few people after her cousin told me that she’d been told all about my past trauma. It was not okay - especially given that it was her birthday - I own that part of it.

I got up that morning - she seemed okay. Gave me a hug before she left. An hour or so later I found she’d blocked me on all social media and had sent me an email telling me she can’t have a person like me in her life and she hopes I can learn to manage my issues.

This all after her saying so often at the beginning that I needed to have those breakdowns and that she understood them and would never leave because of it.

So much more to it but I’m just feeling a bit lost. I poured every ounce of energy and love into her and went so far beyond where I should have gone that way (that’s my own issue that I need to sort out of course) and I know this feeling because I’d previously been in a relationship with someone with BPD for 3.5 years.

It’s that total irritation at myself for having fallen into it again and pain because I know she’ll remember none of what I did for her and only what helps her to paint me as what she needs in this moment - which is ‘yet another person who has caused me pain’.

Looking back at it now I realise from the start she never really cared. I was hidden. If we were hanging out it would always be a relationship download on her end - she’d blatantly ignore me half the time when I spoke, would ‘forget’ about arranged meetings all the time, would answer phone calls if we were together and stay on the phone for as long as she wanted.

I’m also feeling really unsure about things as they stand - is she going to try to contact me again even though in her email she said ‘No reply necessary’? She also owes me a substantial amount of money - is it better to just let that go completely since it means I then don’t have to contact her?

Thank you all for any support. It’s day one after the cut off and I know it will get easier. Just really freaking tired.

[Turkish]

 My mother once told me that "everyone needs therapy." She abandoned my in family therapy when I was 12. I had no choice.

My ex did the same thing decades later, abandoned to a therapist to "fix" me. I chose to stay with it.  After she left, she also later tried to turn me on to self help and self improvement books. A message? Certainly. She called the other night to apologize to our 8 year old daughter for being angry after D8 rebelled and lied about doing her homework in the Growth Mindset book for kids. 

Said simply, misery loves company,  but it's more complicated than that.

Your BPD "sin" was to show "weakness," it likely triggered her to turn the other way. 

When we were still together, I remember starting to tell her some things from my childhood (with a BPD mother, my stories are legion) and my ex literally threw up her hands and walked away down the hall saying, "I don't want to here that. It's too negative!"

I knew everything about her and her family: who cheated on and beat whom, the infidelity and violence in her own family, yet she knew next to nothing about mine. My T pointed this out years later.

Compassion literally means "to suffer with." In a relationship with a pwBPD, you are mostly loved if you suffer with them, reciprocity is minimal since they suffer from very deep pain.

One day is very fresh and you need time for yourself.

Sorry about the money. What is your gut instinct on whether she'll make an effort to pay you back?

[Mutt]

I’m also feeling really unsure about things as they stand - is she going to try to contact me again even though in her email she said ‘No reply necessary’? She also owes me a substantial amount of money - is it better to just let that go completely since it means I then don’t have to contact her?

It’s your choice with what you want to do with the money. Mine owed me quite a bit but what is more important for me is my emotional well-being and how difficult and stressful she is it just wasn’t worth the stress.

My emotional well-being to me is priceless and worth a lot more than any sum of money. If she didn’t have BOD traits and was flexible and doesn’t give me a hard time all of time well that’s different.

Somebody else will say something different depending on their view. It depends on how you feel if you want to part with it because you want to self protect there’s nothing wrong with that.

From what you have experienced she is saying contradictory things - there’s a pattern there although she’s saying no reply necessary she’ll probably contact you again in the future. Regardless of if she is or not what’s important is how you react it to it and what you want.