I finally ended it

[solspectre]

Well, I have finally ended my long-distance relationship with my fiance. I finally had to say to myself enough is enough. I just told him that the distance and occasional arguments (he claims it's better but it's not) now are just too painful, but yes, wasn't the whole story of course... because I was trying to lessen the effects of his rage, which I know is probably coming.

All the beautiful and intense things I love about him, in the end do not justify the emotional abuse. The idea that he can never see this about himself. Every apology is always a loaded weapon, in statements like, "I'm so sorry in the past I was abusive to you," or "I'm sorry I acted that way but it's your fault because you were abusive first".

I've been searching so long, to find someone like me, and I never found it. I thought he was my twin flame, I thought he was everything I ever wanted. I was trying so hard to make myself believe he was these things, and just cutting out the parts that were toxic to force myself to believe it was truly beautiful.

So any time now I am expecting him to email and call and send the onslaught of messages about how horrible I am because I'm not willing to fight for this relationship, that it's "Not really love" and I am a monster, etc etc.  That I "never really loved" him because I am leaving etc. I have to admit it's painful, to imagine him with anyone else, and I don't want to and it's a slippery slope.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey solspectre, Good for you for ending things.  That took guts!  Most of us turned a blind eye to the red flags, but you didn't, to your credit.  Agree, you should anticipate an onslaught of messages, most of which will likely be filled with F-O-G (fear, obligation and/or guilt), in an effort to manipulate you.  Your task is to disregard his disparaging comments.  He will likely try to shift all the blame to you, so be prepared.  Keep us posted!

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

I have to admit it's painful, to imagine him with anyone else, and I don't want to and it's a slippery slope.

It’s not easy to end a r/s and it’s not linear and it’s not clear cut. You had a r/ s with him despite there being bad patches and there could of been a lot of really bad patches but there were probably good patches in there too that make it tough. When it’s painful think of both the good and the bad and don’t about all of the bad or all of the good. Thanks for sharing your post

[solspectre]

Thanks you guys I really appreciate it. I gave in to him sadly, because he knows how to get to me... I talked to him again and then he was doing what he does, pulling me in. But I have to really end this. I am very alone right now, no friends nearby, nothing good happening here in my life and it's pretty negative but seriously, I cannot keep deluding myself with the promise of what he says. We had a big talk the other day and I went point by point on some of the things he has been doing - He thanked me for doing that, did not scream this time, appeared very "collected", and said stuff like, "How can I grow if we don't talk about it and work on it together?" and apologized for some of it, the rest of the issues sadly could be seen ambiguously because I wasn't diligent enough in keeping track (but wtf, sincerely, that anyone should *have to keep track* is totally insane...)

He was very clever. I tried telling him how he has no idea what he has been doing to me all this time, and he - again - shifted the blame. He claims I do all the same things he was doing. He even brought up his ex gfs, and they are still good friends, she apparently tells him he was never like that and is "the best boyfriend". I believe that because at least from what I see online I see how they interact, but sincerely, she probably is just unaware of her own victimhood.

Ahhh it's madness, and I hate that I am so desperate for this insane affection that I go to these lengths. We cannot be with someone or marry them for their potential, just doesn't work that way. Even though he said he would go to therapy with me, this is BS. Yes it is true I eventually lashed out at him too, but what do you expect you know?

So I am trying to delete my accounts now. Should I just delete them instead of block? I don't know how to deal with it. I hate that I have to do this but I have to. I hate how he has become THE ONLY PERSON IN MY LIFE. And made me dependent upon him like a drug. When I have read about ex-drug users and ex-heroin users, it feels exactly like him. I never did drugs, but I understand now. This is the effect he has. There is nothing more beautiful and terrible in the world.

[BuildingFromScratch]

solspectre:

Hey, don't beat yourself up for feeling so needy for him. They do a lot of things that cause this.

First the idealize you and put up a front of being perfect in the beginning and make you feel like your on top of the world. And that finally your dreams have come true. They hook you in this way, and then you're always wanting it to be how it was in the beginning.

Then they blame everything on you, walk on your boundaries, stoke your fears, and more. All of this eats away at your self esteem.

Then they isolate you from your family and friends by acting infinitely needy, and sucking all the life out of you. They also isolate you because they give reasons why you should not be around people or not talk to them, and guilt trip you into doing what they want.

Then at the end you're isolated, feeling low, and wondering what happened to this perfect love you thought you found.

You can't really get messed with emotionally and mentally much more than that.

Do what you need to do, block him or delete your accounts, whatever you think is best. Focus on the trauma, the grief, etc, when you need to. Reach out here. Try to build a life without him, distract yourself sometimes too. It's a long road, different for each person, but it's the best road, and the only road, if you don't want to live a lonely life (lonely even in the relationship), and a miserable life.