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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Today i woke up in a really bad state  (Read 1218 times)
stressftw
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« on: July 21, 2020, 07:57:11 PM »

Today i woke up in a really bad state.
Bad thoughts running on my mind. Thinking that, she probably already moved on with her life, that everything to her was so easy to let go, that shes probably already in another relationship. And im here, thinking about her, thinking about how i helped her, i let her get into my life, how i was a fool to let her get into my life.
She blocked me again on whatsapp last week, idk why shes doing that, i blocked her on whatsapp 3 months ago, but i still can see that she blocks/unblock me.
Its like 3 months and a half of NC and 4 months since the break up
Im still devastated and thinking about her everyday.
I just want to forget her, forget that she ever existed, to get back in time and not let her get in my life.
She manipulated me in a way to think i could trust her, that she could be everything i ever wanted, it took almost 1 year of relationship to dig into my depth, to my emotional vulnerability, to know that, she could manipulate me.
When she get there, when we got to the point that she could see that i would do everything for her, that i needed her, because she managed to manipulate me to, and it took alot of work from her. She knew since the beggining i was a depressive folk, that i had alot of vulnerabilities. She knew.
She also said that it would never be a problem, that she loved me despite everything i said before we started the relationship.
She slowly installed all the triggers
And when she saw that i was totally PLEASE READed up mentally with every game shes started to do with me, with the manipulation. She cheated and discarded me.
No closure, i had to discover it, painfully.
She broke up by voicemail. She didnt wanted to listen to anything i had to say. 2 days later she was already in a new relationship.

What hurts the most is that i loved someone that didnt existed. The person behind the persona is a doppelganger, she cant love. Thats so sad.
I loved that human being deeply, thinking it was reciprocal.
I loved that human being deeply, thinking i find someone who i could trust, because she could trust me in every aspect.

Im totally traumatized, for real. I have no one that i can talk openly about it, and even if i can, my pain dont go
Im so hurt by the fact that i loved so much someone who dont exist that im still in dissonance, i cant believe, its like a nightmare.
I have nightmares with her almost everyday
Its just too painful.
The worst part?
The worst part is that deeply i still want her to come back to me and i the same time i dont. Because i want the person i thought she was to come back to me and she doesnt exist. She did unnaceptable things, there is no coming back, there is no chance we could ever be together. Is over, and i cant accept it. I want, i really wanted to just let it go easy. I cant im so struggle.
Im throwing this here, i hope someone that is better now can relate. Because atm, im really at a bad state.
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BuildingFromScratch
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« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2020, 08:40:21 PM »

Sorry you're having a hard time, I know it sucks to be tricked. They get to our very core, then betray it and it hurts like hell. And the part of us that trusted them has trouble giving up that trust. A part of us believes the lie, even if we know it wasn't true. I'm many years post breakup and I feel the same way, I feel like the good times were just lies born of her delusions and manipulations. I'm going to give my trust up less easily from now on.

I'm not 100% healed, but what helps me when I feel emotionally overwhelmed is to punch pillows, pace back and forth, scream into pillows, or journal. It really helps me expel the emotional energy and I always feel better afterwards. It also helps me get my mind off her because the emotional energy is expelled, I can move onto something else. Granted, it might be so new for you, that it is harder to get your mind off of, but it might help.

There is definitely hope, I used to be a complete mess all of the time post breakup. The years of blame, devaluation, stoking of fears, cheating, and discarding all took their toll on me. It damaged my self esteem so much, it hurt so much to let her go. But I've recovered by learning to treat myself right, give myself positive/kind self talk, and by working through all the emotions and realizing how much better I deserved than that.

Hope you feel better.
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grumpydonut
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« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2020, 09:29:09 PM »

It's not helpful knowledge, but she's still thinking about you if you know she's blocking you.

Someone on this board said "they can't be any one person for long" so she's probably bouncing from personality to personality and painting you white and black constantly. She can't do that if she's not thinking about you.

However, as I'm certain you know logically. This sort of inconsistency is a BPD hallmark. You can't lay down your life, your emotional vulnerability to someone like this. It ended the only way it can.
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stressftw
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« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2020, 10:40:45 PM »

Sorry you're having a hard time, I know it sucks to be tricked. They get to our very core, then betray it and it hurts like hell. And the part of us that trusted them has trouble giving up that trust. A part of us believes the lie, even if we know it wasn't true. I'm many years post breakup and I feel the same way, I feel like the good times were just lies born of her delusions and manipulations. I'm going to give my trust up less easily from now on.

I'm not 100% healed, but what helps me when I feel emotionally overwhelmed is to punch pillows, pace back and forth, scream into pillows, or journal. It really helps me expel the emotional energy and I always feel better afterwards. It also helps me get my mind off her because the emotional energy is expelled, I can move onto something else. Granted, it might be so new for you, that it is harder to get your mind off of, but it might help.

There is definitely hope, I used to be a complete mess all of the time post breakup. The years of blame, devaluation, stoking of fears, cheating, and discarding all took their toll on me. It damaged my self esteem so much, it hurt so much to let her go. But I've recovered by learning to treat myself right, give myself positive/kind self talk, and by working through all the emotions and realizing how much better I deserved than that.

Hope you feel better.

Thank you for your words.
I literally cried reading this .
I felt that, the way bpd people abuse us cause so much damage and its so overwhelming that, when i see someone talking about all the damage, it sounds almost a poetry or a tale,
there are literally no words to describe how overwhelming it does mess with our head.
They manage to wound the deepest in us regarding our feelings is like a nightmare
Your words give me so much hope of what i still can achieve. Thank you
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stressftw
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« Reply #4 on: July 21, 2020, 10:55:54 PM »

It's not helpful knowledge, but she's still thinking about you if you know she's blocking you.

Someone on this board said "they can't be any one person for long" so she's probably bouncing from personality to personality and painting you white and black constantly. She can't do that if she's not thinking about you.

However, as I'm certain you know logically. This sort of inconsistency is a BPD hallmark. You can't lay down your life, your emotional vulnerability to someone like this. It ended the only way it can.

1 Month ago she unblocked me and my Mom from whatsapp.
Last week she blocked me again. My mom remains unblocked.
We know that because the profile photo literally disappears/appear when you are blocked/unblocked. I blocked her and kept her blocked, so i dont know if she was trying to drag my attention by doing this.
Thats one of the things that triggers me. And literally there is no point.
When she dumped me, 2 days after she was already in a relationship. She cheated on me with this guy, and the worst, she barely knew him. She claimed that he was the first guy she was liking that she didnt idealized in her life.
The guy is a total downgrade. But that shouldnt be a matter to me, its over.
And here i am, i cant stop thinking about it.
And i still worry for her being, for her family. I liked them.
Its all come to a point that when u finish your overthink u came to a conclusion that it doesnt matter, and things will not change.
She wont change, what she did cant be undone. And what u wanted most, is, that the person u first met was real. That she was a loving and caring person, that i can trust.
Now she is other person, acts like a vulgar bitch, changed her taste in everything and became  someone who actively post pseudo-happy things  and fake PLEASE READ on social media.
Thats totally disgusting. Thats sad.

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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #5 on: July 22, 2020, 10:25:01 AM »

Hey stressful, Why do you think you got into a r/s with her in the first place?  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  Does that ring a bell?  If so, it might give you some insight into your situation.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
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stressftw
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« Reply #6 on: July 22, 2020, 11:10:41 AM »

Hey stressful, Why do you think you got into a r/s with her in the first place?  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  Does that ring a bell?  If so, it might give you some insight into your situation.

LJ

She came into me, because she knew me for a long time (i used to be a video game pro player)
She always had a crush on me, years later the started chatting with me

She rushed into trying a relationship with me, i found that totally bizarre and strange, because she didnt want fast sex, or something casual, she was totally in love.

I refused to gave her a chance and told her we were not going anywhere. But she refused to accept. In like 6 months being "my friend" and trying to seduce me, she managed.

It was when she told her mother had cancer, her grandmother had cancer too, and she had literally no friends.(red flag)
Thats when i had the urge to take care of her and started to create feelings for her.

After 6 months we started a relationship
it lasted for 2 years
the last 4-5 months of the relationship were super abusive, she was literally using all my triggers against me, putting me to feeling a piece of PLEASE READ, until the discard.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #7 on: July 22, 2020, 12:21:27 PM »

Hey again, Stressful,  What I'm asking is: what is it about your past that made you particularly susceptible to a r/s with a pwBPD?  Most people would probably run for the hills once the BPD traits start to surface.  Not us Nons; no, we hang in there despite red flags and all kinds of drama and upheaval.  Why?  Usually because there's something familiar about the dynamic.  In other words, we Nons are willing to put up with an abusive r/s because on some level we are used to it.

Does this strike a chord with you?

LJ

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stressftw
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« Reply #8 on: July 22, 2020, 02:03:15 PM »

Hey again, Stressful,  What I'm asking is: what is it about your past that made you particularly susceptible to a r/s with a pwBPD?  Most people would probably run for the hills once the BPD traits start to surface.  Not us Nons; no, we hang in there despite red flags and all kinds of drama and upheaval.  Why?  Usually because there's something familiar about the dynamic.  In other words, we Nons are willing to put up with an abusive r/s because on some level we are used to it.


Does this strike a chord with you?

LJ



I just discovery about BPD after the breakup because my T said that she is a BPD with psychopath traits, actually, my T says that she is a psychopath
what lead me to get into the relationship was the fact that she is totally PLEASE READed up and i wanted to take care of her. Idk exactly where it does lead me through my pass, i dont have any infant traumas, but despite i am good looking, i have depression and problems with my self-esteem which probably was a factor that made me accept all the abuse. She knew that i was empath and she knew she could count with me for everything. That gave her all the power she need to abuse me.
She did alot of push and pull
she was very rude, arrogant, then after few minutes she would beg for my forgiveness saying she love me.
It was a common behavior, being rude, creating a discussion, then pulling me back asking for forgiveness
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daze507
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« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2020, 10:15:59 AM »

Hi, I can give you a post I wrote on Quora about what I've done to improve, it was kind of successful so I guess it helped people in some way:

https://www.quora.com/Those-of-you-who-were-discarded-by-an-ex-with-BPD-borderline-PD-and-are-still-in-love-with-them-how-do-you-handle-not-reaching-out-to-them-and-feeling-hopeless-about-them-ever-talking-to-you-again-Note-My-ex-has?ch=10&share=73bf8393&srid=hh1AZ

For the rest, since I have been in your case, actually I am still not 100% over it even though there is absolutely no comparison with the state I was in a few months ago, I can tell you that:
It's not about her anymore, it's about you, you have to fix something in you. Once it's done, she will be gone from your mind.
If you can afford therapy, I would advise that, honestly if I could do it I would. If you cannot, self-improvement, get better, meet new people, meditate, workout, learn about stoicism, there are endless possibilities. Once you love yourself and are happy, that obsessive fantasy will fade away.
Remember: Nothing positive could come out of that relationship for you, none. Oh, I'll also tell you what a dear friend told me: She's not worth your worry.
« Last Edit: July 23, 2020, 10:21:36 AM by daze507 » Logged
brighter future
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« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2020, 12:08:15 PM »

daze507 is absolutely right. If you are able to afford some type of therapy, please do yourself a favor and find a therapist as soon as possible. It really does help.

About 3-4 weeks after the relationship ended with my ex-g/f who most likely has BPD, I hit rock bottom one morning and couldn't even go into work. Luckily my employer was aware of the situation right before I had the meltdown, and they worked with me and let me work from home for a while until I got myself together a little better. I enrolled myself in therapy at the same time through a private counseling firm, and my employer also offered me the employee assistance network if I needed further help. My ex and I were on the verge of getting engaged, but I wouldn't pull the trigger until she started to address her severe emotional issues. She refused to get help, and I wouldn't go through with the engagement because of that. I offered to stand by her until she sorted out her issues, but she left me and was out rebounding with her past rebound guy two weeks later. I've never been so hurt in my life. My 8 year old child was sensing I was having issues and said to me several times, "Daddy what is wrong with you?" She said she could tell by the look on my face that something was wrong. That's coming from an 8 year old, and that is what gave me the motivation to seek help.

I've been in counseling for a little over two months, and it's made a huge difference in my life. I'm working on getting my self-confidence back as well as working on a better sense of self. There's still a ways to go for me though.  This forum has also been a HUGE help for me. After spending time in here reading the various testimonies, I no longer felt like I was alone.

The breakup happened about 3.5 months ago, and I've been in NC for just over two months (have seen her personally in passing once a few weeks ago. She smiled and waved at me like I was her best friend). As of right now, I'm not ready to date anyone yet because I don't feel like I'm there emotionally ready but maybe someday soon. I don't want to use someone else as a rebound, and I want to be the best person I can for myself and any potential partner as well. Like my counselor said, until my ex-g/f gets help for her issues, the same destructive pattern in relationships is going to continue for her.



I wish you all the best and please consider seeing a counselor.
« Last Edit: July 23, 2020, 12:13:39 PM by brighter future » Logged
stressftw
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« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2020, 12:38:39 PM »

daze507 is absolutely right. If you are able to afford some type of therapy, please do yourself a favor and find a therapist as soon as possible. It really does help.

About 3-4 weeks after the relationship ended with my ex-g/f who most likely has BPD, I hit rock bottom one morning and couldn't even go into work. Luckily my employer was aware of the situation right before I had the meltdown, and they worked with me and let me work from home for a while until I got myself together a little better. I enrolled myself in therapy at the same time through a private counseling firm, and my employer also offered me the employee assistance network if I needed further help. My ex and I were on the verge of getting engaged, but I wouldn't pull the trigger until she started to address her severe emotional issues. She refused to get help, and I wouldn't go through with the engagement because of that. I offered to stand by her until she sorted out her issues, but she left me and was out rebounding with her past rebound guy two weeks later. I've never been so hurt in my life. My 8 year old child was sensing I was having issues and said to me several times, "Daddy what is wrong with you?" She said she could tell by the look on my face that something was wrong. That's coming from an 8 year old, and that is what gave me the motivation to seek help.

I've been in counseling for a little over two months, and it's made a huge difference in my life. I'm working on getting my self-confidence back as well as working on a better sense of self. There's still a ways to go for me though.  This forum has also been a HUGE help for me. After spending time in here reading the various testimonies, I no longer felt like I was alone.

The breakup happened about 3.5 months ago, and I've been in NC for just over two months (have seen her personally in passing once a few weeks ago. She smiled and waved at me like I was her best friend). As of right now, I'm not ready to date anyone yet because I don't feel like I'm there emotionally ready but maybe someday soon. I don't want to use someone else as a rebound, and I want to be the best person I can for myself and any potential partner as well. Like my counselor said, until my ex-g/f gets help for her issues, the same destructive pattern in relationships is going to continue for her.



I wish you all the best and please consider seeing a counselor.

Hello, i really appreciate your posts, im in therapist (1x week) she was the one who said that my gf had BPD, we already had a consultation all together, me, she and the T, 4 months ago, prior the breakup. And she said somethings that made my T think about something strange in her personality.
Afther the breakup i told all the story between us and she talk about BPD and said that she probably has psychopathy
IDK.

Im typing here now because im feeling really bad today. 2 weeks ago, she left a group we had in common about me in whatsapp, i didnt even knew she was there. But i get noticed.
She still signaling by blocking and unblocking, leaving things, etc.

That makes me wonder if she still thinking about me. I know that is useless, but it is what it is, is my  heart asking all those questions, not my rational side.

I want to forget her very bad, like erase her from my mind. But other side of me want me so bad from her to contact me. She did so many bad things, is so confusing. Im just a mess.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #12 on: August 13, 2020, 02:40:46 PM »

Hey stressftw, Does your BPDxGF remind you of someone in your past?  Was the dynamic similar to some r/l in your past?  I'm trying to see if there is a pattern here that you can identify and move beyond.

LJ
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stressftw
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« Reply #13 on: August 13, 2020, 04:05:13 PM »

Hey stressftw, Does your BPDxGF remind you of someone in your past?  Was the dynamic similar to some r/l in your past?  I'm trying to see if there is a pattern here that you can identify and move beyond.

LJ

Hello Jim, i really cant recognize anything from her that bring me to the past
When i met her, she was totally in love with me already and literally didnt hide ANY of her insecurities to me, actually she already threw all her problems and started taking a medication because she couldnt deal with the fact that i didnt corresponded her love.

What i can say  for sure is, what made me  get in a relationship with someone that i knew was mentally damaged was the fact that i wanted to take care of her.

I dont know how i can relate that to my pass, because i have literally no traumas with both of my parents, i was a child that was raised in a happy place without any violence or something that could traumatize someone.
My parents  had their issues but they are together till today. So, i didnt experienced any separation or anything like that.

I think that, this is something thats part of my personality. That makes me vulnerable to damaged people.
I like to take care of people and i feel good knowing im making the difference. One of the reasons im studying to be a psychologist. Im good dealing with people and others struggle. The main problem is that, i struggle alot to deal with my own issues.
Despite im being a good look person, im very very self conscious about myself and i have low self esteem.
When she came to me talking about this, i knew part of her feeling, and i know how i could help her. I gave her comfort, and true love. The problem is that, she is not like me, and she cant love back, it seems that she just needed someone to make her feel great and confident, she never tried to help me with my insecurities.
From her past 10 relationships, i was the one who took the most time to desintegrate, due to the fact that im not a controlling person and i like to understand and deal in a rational way with problems that can be solved.

The problem is, she was abusive, always bringing more and more problem, wanting more, and distancing herself from me while start to idealize other guys behind my back.
Once her distanced enough from me, she literally had no feelings for me. And it seems it got to easy to her to jump into a relationship with a guy she barely know. She said alot of unfair things to him. The smear campaign was something she needed to do in order to convivnce herself i was a bad person and she was the victim.
i really dont know if she still thinks on me. But when i saw her sinaligzing through block/unblock and leaving groups that we were in. I wonder so much what is her true intention with that.
I really dont worry much about her future relationships, i dont compare myself with her new replecements. It is doomed to erode lasting less or longer than our relationship. One thing that still hold me with all this trauma is that i still want to save her. I still want to take care of her. But thats something in the pass now, sadly.
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« Reply #14 on: August 14, 2020, 06:02:01 AM »

Today i woke up in a really bad state.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=208969.0

Your subconscious dictates the sleeping world. Maybe something to explore. There is a website Dream Moods A-Z dictionary. Your dreams are all about you, not the ones you see in them. You may be surprised what you learn. Its always been spot on for me.

Thinking that, she probably already moved on with her life, that everything to her was so easy to let go, that shes probably already in another relationship.

Mentally ill or not, most do move on with their lives as you will also eventually. Everybody grieves differently. You are a slow griever, nothing wrong with this. Being slow might give you the opportunity to help yourself. If it is BPD traits, all would be true except her letting go. Although this might appear to be the case, I assure you its not. The illness is wicked. Learn some more.

And im here, thinking about her, thinking about how i helped her,

You most likely enabled her as opposed to helping her. In some way she had to have helped you also, at some point. Phrasing it this way should allow you to ask more questions of yourself.

, i let her get into my life,

Unless you were forced into this r/s, you invited her.

how i was a fool to let her get into my life.

Little too hard on yourself it appears. Maybe this should say something like " I made an honest mistake, as this was my truth then". Do you see a difference?

I just want to forget her, forget that she ever existed, to get back in time and not let her get in my life.

Please dont take this the wrong way but I just remembered this.
My father used to tell me, you can PLEASE READ in one hand, and wish in the other and see which one fills up faster. This on its face appears impossible and not a doable task. Forgetting will allow for you to repeat and maybe this time you have a chance for a different outcome, if you do process in a healthy way.

She manipulated me in a way to think i could trust her,

Is it possible you aided, in this manipulation? Sometimes we see things that arent really there. Sometimes we dont see things that are there.

that i needed her, because she managed to manipulate me to

Needs for me are food, water, shelter...Needing ONE individual on a planet of billions of people appears to be ?  I also once had this same line of thinking. I later understood it was self defeating to myself.

and it took alot of work from her.

You also had to work in order for this to happen, Im thinking. Learning my part, as it was, not what I thought it was, showed myself alot.

She knew since the beggining i was a depressive folk, that i had alot of vulnerabilities. She knew.

The illness knew. She is just somewhat of a host for the illness. Much in the same way she saw you as a host. Trial and error with many different r/s, the illness will hone its skills.

She also said that it would never be a problem, that she loved me despite everything i said before we started the relationship.

This told the illness it could thrive.

She slowly installed all the triggers

This would be impossible. Triggers are created by people for themselves, not others. Part of ego defense mechanisms, we all have them.

The person behind the persona is a doppelganger, she cant love. Thats so sad.

Shes not a ghost. She is a mentally ill person, that has a split self. She needs others to mirror, to exist in her mind. The alternative is annihilation. The reason they seek out others believing this time they will get it right. Just as she did with you. It was going to last as long as you could remain emotionally responsible for 2. This also is an impossible task...I would also agree this is very sad.

She blocked me again on whatsapp last week, idk why shes doing that, i blocked her on whatsapp 3 months ago, but i still can see that she blocks/unblock me.
Its like 3 months and a half of NC and 4 months since the break up


These are 2 contradicting statements, unless she is the one going NC. You appear to be making contact, or attempting to...With the r/s not available to you at this time, doing this will put you back to square one, or possibly worse. Many on here will attest. Dont be surprised if the r/s becomes available in the future, in some form. Without treatment for her, by her, more of the same will occur. What would you put these odds at?

She rushed into trying a relationship with me, i found that totally bizarre and strange, because she didnt want fast sex, or something casual, she was totally in love.

The illness NEEDS attachments. If it thought sex wasnt needed for the attachment. Then no sex. If it did, then sex. There can never be enough attachments. The illness knows its destructive path.

What i can say  for sure is, what made me  get in a relationship with someone that i knew was mentally damaged was the fact that i wanted to take care of her.

Because at your core this is, who you are. You cant change this, but you can change the people you invest in. Learning more of your deficiencies would help with this. One day hopefully, when you know something, you will respect it.

dont know how i can relate that to my pass, because i have literally no traumas with both of my parents, i was a child that was raised in a happy place without any violence or something that could traumatize someone.

It is said that there are as many PDs created from helicopter parenting, as with abusive parenting. The results can appear the same.

I think that, this is something thats part of my personality. That makes me vulnerable to damaged people.

I would also agree, and know the illness knows.

I like to take care of people and i feel good knowing im making the difference.

Me too. Just now when I do this Im sure the other is helping themselves first. Sustained actions will prove this, never words.

Once her distanced enough from me, she literally had no feelings for me.

Oh she did dont you worry, none were good. As you withdraw to clear your head, she sees this as abandonment and will need to seek out others. Its the order to the disorder.

From her past 10 relationships, i was the one who took the most time to desintegrate,

Similar with my ex. I learned that I was possibly the most grounded person she had ran into. Then later learned if I was grounded a little bit more, I would have never pursued this r/s.

I still want to take care of her. But thats something in the pass now, sadly.

Nothing wrong with this, but for now you need to take care of yourself in a healthy way. Then you will be even greater help to those you WANT to invest in. I relate to much of what you are saying. I wish you well, Peace



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« Reply #15 on: August 14, 2020, 06:48:58 AM »

Today i woke up in a really bad state.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=208969.0

Your subconscious dictates the sleeping world. Maybe something to explore. There is a website Dream Moods A-Z dictionary. Your dreams are all about you, not the ones you see in them. You may be surprised what you learn. Its always been spot on for me.

Thinking that, she probably already moved on with her life, that everything to her was so easy to let go, that shes probably already in another relationship.

Mentally ill or not, most do move on with their lives as you will also eventually. Everybody grieves differently. You are a slow griever, nothing wrong with this. Being slow might give you the opportunity to help yourself. If it is BPD traits, all would be true except her letting go. Although this might appear to be the case, I assure you its not. The illness is wicked. Learn some more.

And im here, thinking about her, thinking about how i helped her,

You most likely enabled her as opposed to helping her. In some way she had to have helped you also, at some point. Phrasing it this way should allow you to ask more questions of yourself.

, i let her get into my life,

Unless you were forced into this r/s, you invited her.

how i was a fool to let her get into my life.

Little too hard on yourself it appears. Maybe this should say something like " I made an honest mistake, as this was my truth then". Do you see a difference?

I just want to forget her, forget that she ever existed, to get back in time and not let her get in my life.

Please dont take this the wrong way but I just remembered this.
My father used to tell me, you can PLEASE READ in one hand, and wish in the other and see which one fills up faster. This on its face appears impossible and not a doable task. Forgetting will allow for you to repeat and maybe this time you have a chance for a different outcome, if you do process in a healthy way.

She manipulated me in a way to think i could trust her,

Is it possible you aided, in this manipulation? Sometimes we see things that arent really there. Sometimes we dont see things that are there.

that i needed her, because she managed to manipulate me to

Needs for me are food, water, shelter...Needing ONE individual on a planet of billions of people appears to be ?  I also once had this same line of thinking. I later understood it was self defeating to myself.

and it took alot of work from her.

You also had to work in order for this to happen, Im thinking. Learning my part, as it was, not what I thought it was, showed myself alot.

She knew since the beggining i was a depressive folk, that i had alot of vulnerabilities. She knew.

The illness knew. She is just somewhat of a host for the illness. Much in the same way she saw you as a host. Trial and error with many different r/s, the illness will hone its skills.

She also said that it would never be a problem, that she loved me despite everything i said before we started the relationship.

This told the illness it could thrive.

She slowly installed all the triggers

This would be impossible. Triggers are created by people for themselves, not others. Part of ego defense mechanisms, we all have them.

The person behind the persona is a doppelganger, she cant love. Thats so sad.

Shes not a ghost. She is a mentally ill person, that has a split self. She needs others to mirror, to exist in her mind. The alternative is annihilation. The reason they seek out others believing this time they will get it right. Just as she did with you. It was going to last as long as you could remain emotionally responsible for 2. This also is an impossible task...I would also agree this is very sad.

She blocked me again on whatsapp last week, idk why shes doing that, i blocked her on whatsapp 3 months ago, but i still can see that she blocks/unblock me.
Its like 3 months and a half of NC and 4 months since the break up


These are 2 contradicting statements, unless she is the one going NC. You appear to be making contact, or attempting to...With the r/s not available to you at this time, doing this will put you back to square one, or possibly worse. Many on here will attest. Dont be surprised if the r/s becomes available in the future, in some form. Without treatment for her, by her, more of the same will occur. What would you put these odds at?

She rushed into trying a relationship with me, i found that totally bizarre and strange, because she didnt want fast sex, or something casual, she was totally in love.

The illness NEEDS attachments. If it thought sex wasnt needed for the attachment. Then no sex. If it did, then sex. There can never be enough attachments. The illness knows its destructive path.

What i can say  for sure is, what made me  get in a relationship with someone that i knew was mentally damaged was the fact that i wanted to take care of her.

Because at your core this is, who you are. You cant change this, but you can change the people you invest in. Learning more of your deficiencies would help with this. One day hopefully, when you know something, you will respect it.

dont know how i can relate that to my pass, because i have literally no traumas with both of my parents, i was a child that was raised in a happy place without any violence or something that could traumatize someone.

It is said that there are as many PDs created from helicopter parenting, as with abusive parenting. The results can appear the same.

I think that, this is something thats part of my personality. That makes me vulnerable to damaged people.

I would also agree, and know the illness knows.

I like to take care of people and i feel good knowing im making the difference.

Me too. Just now when I do this Im sure the other is helping themselves first. Sustained actions will prove this, never words.

Once her distanced enough from me, she literally had no feelings for me.

Oh she did dont you worry, none were good. As you withdraw to clear your head, she sees this as abandonment and will need to seek out others. Its the order to the disorder.

From her past 10 relationships, i was the one who took the most time to desintegrate,

Similar with my ex. I learned that I was possibly the most grounded person she had ran into. Then later learned if I was grounded a little bit more, I would have never pursued this r/s.

I still want to take care of her. But thats something in the pass now, sadly.

Nothing wrong with this, but for now you need to take care of yourself in a healthy way. Then you will be even greater help to those you WANT to invest in. I relate to much of what you are saying. I wish you well, Peace





Hey, thank you so much for this.
This help me to understand myself alot, and her condition.

Just to clarify, about my trying to contact her, im not, its because she is blocked on my whatsapp and i can see her photo often disappearing and appearing, which means she is block/unblocking me from the app with literally no conversations between us.

Again, i will always comeback to that topic to see your post, it helped me so much reading this. Thank you, i wish you the best.

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« Reply #16 on: August 14, 2020, 10:56:24 AM »

Just to clarify, about my trying to contact her, im not, its because she is blocked on my whatsapp and i can see her photo often disappearing and appearing, which means she is block/unblocking me from the app with literally no conversations between us.


Social media is fantasy. Maybe delete the app for the time being. The pics will create longing...More hope less uncertainty, less hope more uncertainty. Neither is good for you right now. I wish you well, Peace
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« Reply #17 on: August 18, 2020, 12:13:04 PM »

3 days ago was 4 months til last contact

those days have been difficult and im using regularly this board to keep up and try to feel ok about myself.

cant help wonder how she is and if one day she will contact me again..

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« Reply #18 on: August 18, 2020, 02:04:14 PM »


From her past 10 relationships, i was the one who took the most time to desintegrate,

Similar with my ex. I learned that I was possibly the most grounded person she had ran into. Then later learned if I was grounded a little bit more, I would have never pursued this r/s.


Oh Finding Me, this made me laugh out loud sadly and shake my head, 100% me! Thank you for the insight.

Also, sorry if this is a silly question, lots of you say PLEASE READ which is a link, but when I click on it I get an error message.  Can someone please explain? TIA
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« Reply #19 on: August 18, 2020, 02:27:33 PM »

Oh Finding Me, this made me laugh out loud sadly and shake my head, 100% me! Thank you for the insight.

Also, sorry if this is a silly question, lots of you say PLEASE READ which is a link, but when I click on it I get an error message.  Can someone please explain? TIA



Hey Beth, this is a filter for bad language that the forum has.

My ex had dozens of relationships before me, but she mentioned only 2, actually, she tried to hide as much as she can that she had tons of relationships before me, which i just discovered when we were near the end of it, that happen to you too?
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« Reply #20 on: August 19, 2020, 12:47:13 AM »



Hey Beth, this is a filter for bad language that the forum has.

My ex had dozens of relationships before me, but she mentioned only 2, actually, she tried to hide as much as she can that she had tons of relationships before me, which i just discovered when we were near the end of it, that happen to you too?

Thanks for explaining the filter.

I don't think he was dishonest about the amount of exes he had, although we didn't really talk about them much. He did seem to not want to outright lie to me, but would be evasive sometimes, and that's in general, not just about past relationships.  I wonder now if that was real or just part of the disorder, mirroring possibly? I know there were at least 3 in the two years before me and he moved around a bit, there were probably more he didn't speak about. 5 years ago he divorced, I'm not sure about the years in between. He did paint all his exes as crazy.  His sister said I was the most normal one, which gave him some validation. 
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« Reply #21 on: August 19, 2020, 04:04:02 PM »

Thanks for explaining the filter.

I don't think he was dishonest about the amount of exes he had, although we didn't really talk about them much. He did seem to not want to outright lie to me, but would be evasive sometimes, and that's in general, not just about past relationships.  I wonder now if that was real or just part of the disorder, mirroring possibly? I know there were at least 3 in the two years before me and he moved around a bit, there were probably more he didn't speak about. 5 years ago he divorced, I'm not sure about the years in between. He did paint all his exes as crazy.  His sister said I was the most normal one, which gave him some validation.  


Thank you for sharing your experience.

My ex only shared things about her 2 past relationships, one was a distant one, with a guy that is really really a good person, she never talked about him in a bad way, actually, she had a kind of resentment and sadness when she talks about him, he was good looking, and he was a nice guy, but he was poor as PLEASE READ and by the time they were together, he had no direction in his life.
Now, the guy has an amazing relationship with a non dysfunctional girlfriend, hes working and went to college. How i know this? She told me. And she told me this like she lost a battle between their two.
She broke up with him the day he announced he was going to visit her(he  bought the fly passage to visit her) and she suddenly broke up with him.
I spoke to this guy, and he said to me he felt alot of anger and sadness, and he blamed himself because he couldnt understand what was happening and he couldnt even recognize who she was anymore. Rightafter she started to flert with other guys in facebook by tagging and etc.
His life now is amazing, and this affect her very much in a negative way, it seems that she wanted him to be totally destroyed when she dumped him.
This relationship with this guy lasted for like 1 year and was the longest she had before me

after this relationship, she got involved with a guy that was rich, lived by himself, and was a narcisist, he didntt want anything serious with her, so, she get crushed mentally because he had sex with multiple other girls beside her, and she cant take relationships without a heavy emotional investmentt, so she came into him trying to be his girlfriend, he denied her and said she was insignificant and not that pretty, after this episode, i was the next.

When she came into me she was TOTALLY destroyed emotionally.
i had all the atributes she was searching,
i am good looking, my family is rich, im a PLEASE READing empath and caretaker. Thats why i think it lasted so much. I gave her the wings she needed.

She has a pattern of modus operandi, when shes into someone, she start a lovebomb campaing through facebook tagging that is INSANE, she did it with their previous like 6 relationships that i saw through her facebook history, its insane because is really a bizarre pattern

She never talked so much about the previous relationships, but she had so many that often times i was really confused about who she was talking about when he mentioned something about her exes.

Another curiosity when she talks about relationships and friendships is that she  said to me sometimes. Well, i always get tired of people, and simply cut them off my life. Like a object or something, that PLEASE READ was always scary to me.

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« Reply #22 on: August 19, 2020, 04:07:11 PM »

i missclicked, pls someone can delete this comment?
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« Reply #23 on: August 19, 2020, 08:07:26 PM »

i am good looking, my family is rich, im a PLEASE READing empath and caretaker. Thats why i think it lasted so much. I gave her the wings she needed.


This sincere, brutal, honesty has/will serve you well. I applaud you...I also find self in helping others, its who I am. Now I just invest in those whom help themselves. I do make subtle exceptions for family members. Reaching out to them hoping to get things to stick...She also gave you wings, so to speak. They are do for you, you do for me r/s. Maybe next time find somebody to share the pedestal, not race to dominate it.

She has a pattern of modus operandi, when shes into someone, she start a lovebomb campaing through facebook tagging that is INSANE, she did it with their previous like 6 relationships that i saw through her facebook history, its insane because is really a bizarre pattern


These are learned behaviors and used because they work...Social Media is fantasy and a taste of the kool aid. There is an order to the order...As there is an order to the disorder. Its sad and not really bizarre

Well, i always get tired of people, and simply cut them off my life. Like a object or something

Sometimes the illness says just what it is. This would be one of these times, typically its cryptic. Also gives a peak into the turmoil it creates. Grateful my path was shorter. I wish you well, Peace
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« Reply #24 on: August 21, 2020, 02:22:26 PM »

 stressftw  - I can fully understand that, I know that feeling, I am there, in someway shape or form about someone. But mine kept on harping on my social security number, she wanted my number for her life insurance. I did not feel safe giving it to her. She kept on poking. I did not feel safe. Also I wanted to rent the house next to her and she got mad at me why didnt I want to move in the house she lives in (which is her mothers who passed) I wanted a feeling of accomplishment but she did not want to hear this. Also, she is still married. I tried to write up the paperwork for her but she did not want to listen. Again, it was a black / white thing, nothing in the middle
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« Reply #25 on: August 21, 2020, 08:15:34 PM »

Also, she is still married.

The indicator for future behavior is the past. This is entering a r/s with no boundaries what so ever. I could only imagine the ride to hell. I wish you well, Peace
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« Reply #26 on: August 21, 2020, 08:42:37 PM »

It was beyond hell and Im still in pain and suffering  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #27 on: August 21, 2020, 08:58:58 PM »

It was beyond hell and Im still in pain and suffering  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

Start a thread, investigate your pain. Maybe its time to put more understanding to everything. You might just need a nudge in the right direction, who knows. New understanding, brings new truth. New truth brings freedom. I wish you well Peace
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« Reply #28 on: August 24, 2020, 05:39:09 PM »

stressftw  - I can fully understand that, I know that feeling, I am there, in someway shape or form about someone. But mine kept on harping on my social security number, she wanted my number for her life insurance. I did not feel safe giving it to her. She kept on poking. I did not feel safe. Also I wanted to rent the house next to her and she got mad at me why didnt I want to move in the house she lives in (which is her mothers who passed) I wanted a feeling of accomplishment but she did not want to hear this. Also, she is still married. I tried to write up the paperwork for her but she did not want to listen. Again, it was a black / white thing, nothing in the middle

Im very sorry u have been through that. It seems that u are in a middle of a relationship right?


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