What to do with my BPD sister?

[Ouch9999]

I don't like my sister. If she weren't my sister I would not have her in my life. Right now, I have to include her because of family- she's the mother of my nieces and my nephew, etc.. Even when she's not splitting (not sure if I'm using that term correctly) and she's being charming and sweet, she's not someone I like and we have nothing in common. And frankly, I'm emotionally scarred from her past rages and emotional abuse, and I'm SO SICK OF WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. I realized that she's the only person I know who I have to manage so carefully- weighing each word I say, even down to the punctuation I use in a text! It's stressful and exhausting and takes my time away from other people in my life.
But she loves me and wants to be super close. So how do I reconcile not liking her and wanting to keep her at a distance with her BPD and her wish to be close? She'll be devastated that I don't like her. Honestly, I think she already senses it. She is now in a rage at me (again) and has sent me an emotionally abusive email insinuating that I'm a horrible mother and daughter because I'm practicing social distancing. (But I'm sure the real issue is she senses that I'm holding back and is using this as a reason to lash out.)
I'm reading "Walking on Eggshells" and I'm grateful for the advice. I've crafted a reply to her email simply saying:
"I understand it’s painful. The pandemic is very upsetting for all of us. The uncertainty is scary and stressful.
You have a right to your own feelings and opinions. I see things differently, though, and I also have a right to my feelings and opinions. There seem to be many varying interpretations the CDC guidelines, and my understanding of them is different."
I feel good about this response but haven't sent it yet. Not sure why I'm hesitating. But I'm also bracing myself for what I know is the real issue here and the bigger war to come.
Where do I go from here? How do I get what I need? I feel so selfish for saying that because she should get what she needs too, but I don't see how we both get what we need. I'm so angry and sad and...angry. Please help.

[1stTwin]

Dear Ouch9999,
      I can soo relate! My sister is my only sister and we are twins! We have been estranged now for 3 months. She has treated me the way your sister has treated you. She lives in the same town as me. By God’s grace I have forgiven her for the things she has done to me, but I’m caustious to have a relationship with her as it seems when we have had a period of estrangement, and we get back together and see each other, things get bad again and she treats me horrific! I think that you should be very careful and protect yourself and really think about whether you want to put up with her behavior. I see a counselor in dealing with my sister and this is something you might find very helpful! For now, I am content in the way things are with my sister, but always, always wish things were different with us and that I could have a close relationship with her. But, I have come to the conclusion after being on this earth 61 years, that I am valuable enough to not allow myself to be emotionally abused! The things you are expressing about her that you wouldn’t have her in your life if she wasn’t your sister are valid and I have felt them many many times! I have dear friends who would never treat me the way my sister has, or they wouldn’t be in my life! Please think about that you are valuable, most precious, and worthy of love and respect! You are worth being treated with kindness and love!

[Harri]

hi and welcome!

I am glad you found us.  We get it here and many of us either are in a similar place as you or have already been through at least part of the process of getting to a better place emotionally so there is hope and help and support.

So how do I reconcile not liking her and wanting to keep her at a distance with her BPD and her wish to be close?

I am not sure how to reconcile the two.  Perhaps the first step to focus on is accepting that you feel the way you do (and that is okay) and she feels the way she does.   Two opposing thoughts can co-exist.  A big part of the work we have to do is to accept that our relationships will, to an extent, be limited and is not going to be more typical or what we may wish for or what the other person may wish for.  Getting okay and comfortable with that, to the extent we can, will make the rest of the work easier.  Sometimes this sort of acceptance is a daily choice we have to make.

Honestly, I think she already senses it.

She could very easily sense it.  pwBPD (people with BPD) are often very aware of others feelings even if they are unable to act on that information in healthy ways.  

"I understand it’s painful. The pandemic is very upsetting for all of us. The uncertainty is scary and stressful.
You have a right to your own feelings and opinions. I see things differently, though, and I also have a right to my feelings and opinions. There seem to be many varying interpretations the CDC guidelines, and my understanding of them is different."

I like this very much.  

I'm also bracing myself for what I know is the real issue here and the bigger war to come.

The real issue is?  That you don't like her?  Something else?

I hope you spend some time hanging out with us here, jumping into other threads (we can learn a lot that way and help support others) and reading the material tacked to the top of the board.

Talk to you soon.

Again,

[Ouch9999]

Thank you so much for your messages. They help a ton. I'm grateful to have found this site!