I realize more and more that my shrink may be incorrect

[Goosey]

Mod note: This post was split off from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345737.0

Lining up the next relationship.
Well ya. That’s correct. In retrospect my (in divorce) wife actually stalked me into a relationship. That was decades ago I was young and she was pretty and it was so fast I never really thought about it till now.  It’s a long story but yes it was not subtle.  
   Anyway the  current past few years where insane though I suspected she was cheating. Now I am split totally black and she loves to leave messages about her great sex life now. Can’t even communicate on simple things. I do have to control my feelings.  
   I realize more and more that my shrink may be incorrect. He says I have to realize she will always be in my life. Not as my wife but the mother of my children.  
  I don’t think that is possible. She is just the most vile mouth lying soul sucking evil incarnate anymore.
  Not dealing with it anymore. Where is covid when you need it.

[Goosey]

Damn I really want to vent. Want to post all the insane voicemails.  I’ve been better lately but now just (stupidly) reached out to try to take care of a joint responsibility and I get right back into the black hole she puts me in.
  So I will buck up and just solve it myself.
Lesson learned. Just another setback day.
Anger. Anger is good.  She don’t deserve compassion for her sickness. Sure she is smiling at the new guy while trashing me with her email thumbs.  Got to give her credit. Cold blooded snake. Trashed the whole extended family, career, life long friends etc.  and still gets right back in that saddle.   Off to the next chapter she is.
Wow.  Ya I’m pissed tonight.

[Rev]

Damn I really want to vent. Want to post all the insane voicemails.  I’ve been better lately but now just (stupidly) reached out to try to take care of a joint responsibility and I get right back into the black hole she puts me in.
  So I will buck up and just solve it myself.
Lesson learned. Just another setback day.
Anger. Anger is good.  She don’t deserve compassion for her sickness. Sure she is smiling at the new guy while trashing me with her email thumbs.  Got to give her credit. Cold blooded snake. Trashed the whole extended family, career, life long friends etc.  and still gets right back in that saddle.   Off to the next chapter she is.
Wow.  Ya I’m pissed tonight.

Yep... hear ya.  In the first two months of the breakup I drove soo many miles with the radio blasting.  So much of the b/s just doesn't add up sometimes that the only thing is to vent.

So vent away!

rev

[Cromwell]

Anyway the  current past few years where insane though I suspected she was cheating. Now I am split totally black and she loves to leave messages about her great sex life now.

Goosey

her being in your life as - a mother to your kids.

the rest of the role is dependent to a great extent of your wishes. Do you have to accept to get messages like this as "just the way it is"? it sounds like they just make you feel negative. I dont believe you have to accept being an emotional punch bag of sorts, neither morally, or legally because there is kids involved. (I apologise for not knowing the full circumstances of what you are going through and background of the divorce). Voicemails, texts and so on, you say she is painting you black my thoughts are trying to keep a cool head through this, keep evidence because maybe part of validation for keeping you black is what litigation can be a part in - showing you as "bad" in court, just my thoughts and I hear you. 

[Football2000]

I know this goes against the grain, but sometimes a situation is just so bad that you have to remove yourself from it, even if there are children involved. So, you still DO have a choice.

[FindingMe2011]

Lining up the next relationship.

Who is ?

(in divorce

These are tough, went through one myself. With children involved (mine were 10 and 12) they will typically last longer. How are the children? They need to be heard from a by partisan person. Do you have a T? children?

wife actually stalked me into a relationship. That was decades ago I was young and she was pretty and it was so fast I never really thought about it till now.

Mine as well...The Narc/Borderline train wreck. I bought a first class ticket. Stayed for many excuses, reality was I couldnt pull the trigger. A lot of self reflecting later, I refer to this event as a gift. It started my journey.

Anyway the  current past few years where insane though I suspected she was cheating. Now I am split totally black and she loves to leave messages about her great sex life now.

I got the same, without the texts. Sounds abusive and deserves a block. This would help with detachment.

He says I have to realize she will always be in my life. Not as my wife but the mother of my children. 
  I don’t think that is possible.

This would be correct and will have to become accepted. if for no one else the children. How you accomplish this is up to you, you do have choices.

Not dealing with it anymore. Where is covid when you need it.

This will need to change, dont the children need you?

Damn I really want to vent. Want to post all the insane voicemails.

I would/did also. You need to do this ANYWHERE but to her.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0

This will be fruitless every time. Its like a drug addict coming off of drugs. Youre looking for a high and you get this...

I’ve been better lately but now just (stupidly) reached out to try to take care of a joint responsibility and I get right back into the black hole she puts me in.

I also stuck my hand out, to only get bit.
For me, I set up 50-50 conditions, and asked her to communicate through emails. The only emails were to be concerning my childrens health and nothing else. The lawyers will handle the rest. Do you have a lawyer?

So I will buck up and just solve it myself.
Lesson learned. Just another setback day.
Anger. Anger is good.

With this determination you could learn more than you can imagine. Anger is OK for a short time...Its not a stand alone emotion, There is always pain behind this anger. Explore the pain, the anger decreases.

She don’t deserve compassion for her sickness.

Has she been diagnosed?  You are in the early stages and I feel your grief. If it is BPD, its possible one day, you will understand the illness and understand its a living hell. Yours hopefully is temporary.

Sure she is smiling at the new guy while trashing me with her email thumbs.

Stay away from social media, its not only fantasy, it will also put you in the black hole. That smile will fade and he will get the same treatment as you, maybe packaged a little different, but more the same.

Got to give her credit. Cold blooded snake. Trashed the whole extended family, career, life long friends etc.  and still gets right back in that saddle.   Off to the next chapter she is.

Sounds like the illness, but more is in play than you think. I started therapy towards the end. She tried a few days and i think she knew I would figure things out. She found another host, and just like that she was gone. 12 years to the wind.

Wow.  Ya I’m pissed tonight.

It takes time and expect the roller coaster ride. Take this time to help yourself, you deserve and need this now. I wish you well, Peace

[Goosey]

She is in new relationship Findingme2011,
Me? Haha I’m damaged goods, and afraid of her still.
She has had years of double week sessions with therapist, I know this because it was paid for out of joint account (my account) even after we separated. I didn’t care about the money I just wanted some solution.
 Honestly I don’t know the “diagnosis”, she would never discuss it with me and several calls to “doctor” by myself during crisis yielded nothing. Of course we all know why.
  We have one child together but she just turned 21, goes to collage (maybe not this semester) and lives with me. I have been vague on several posts about these personal details because honestly I feared my ex partner would somehow get on this site and figure out who I am. (Now That shows my paranoia and fear of her!)
  I was angry when I started this thread. Today I’m depressed. And jealous. And screwing up. I’m self employed. Always survived the ups and down of the racket. Now I struggle to get business stuff done. I have turned into the worlds biggest procrastinator. Not good.
   Somehow we stayed together for two decades. The biggest problem was her reckless spending and deceit about it.
  I don’t know I guess I just got accustomed to the mayhem.
  It didn’t really go off the rails totally till our daughter turned around 18.
   So is it BPD? 
  All I know is what I (and our daughter and family and friends and ...you get the picture) witnessed and dealt with. I read “walking on eggshells” finally a couple months ago. My opinion- absolutely.  Won’t go into details of incidences again, so insane they sound dubious.
  This is  the astonishing thing. I ain’t perfect. But I begged to be let “in” to understand and “help”.  Got shut down and trashed.
  Anyway I am 57 and spent 22 years with someone who now has  painted my as the most vile person ever. I know I’m not that person, my (few) friends and family know I’m not that person. But it does suck the life out of you. So work is the answer.
   Sorry for the rambling response. And my apologies for my constant apologies. Comes with the territory -self worth is a thing if the past.
  Divorce was deemed “default” so I don’t know what happens next. First time around with this.

 

[FindingMe2011]

Me? Haha I’m damaged goods, and afraid of her still.

No you're in the beginning stages of detachment. The very feelings that kept you in this r/s. I get it. Spent 3 days curled up on living rm floor. Between seeing my kids with 50-50, tough days no doubt. When you say afraid, do you mean physically?

She is in new relationship Findingme2011,

Been there too. She is going back to hell. Thinking she got it right, until its not. You on the other hand, with the r/s not available to you, for now, can learn about you. This is where the answers eventually need to be found.

I was angry when I started this thread. Today I’m depressed. And jealous.

This is how it works, Get used to it. Eventually you will begin to come out of this FOG (Fear,Obligation,Guilt) all created by you and necessary for the illness to survive. The roller coaster ride and hopefully you get to acceptance. This will be needed.

And screwing up. I’m self employed. Always survived the ups and down of the racket. Now I struggle to get business stuff done. I have turned into the worlds biggest procrastinator. Not good.

Also self employed. Made it lost it twice, third times a charm hopefully. Do you have someone to lean on, with your duties for a spell? Take off the load?

Somehow we stayed together for two decades. The biggest problem was her reckless spending and deceit about it.

Did 12 yrs, and when the money dried up, and therapy started (Contractor in FL, mortgage scam decimated me) Just like that it was gone. Never dreamed it would turn into a gift. 54 now and better than ever.

All I know is what I (and our daughter and family and friends and ...you get the picture) witnessed and dealt with. I read “walking on eggshells” finally a couple months ago. My opinion- absolutely.  Won’t go into details of incidences again, so insane they sound dubious.

No better teacher than experience. Youre an expert, We could compare notes for the next decade I imagine.

with someone who now has  painted my as the most vile person ever.

This is the illness. She has to make you the persecutor, she is the victim, and new b/f is the rescuer. If you continue to play, you will see the participants, change seats.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Sorry for the rambling response.

Not rambling and not bad for your position. You do need understanding. I promise you wont get it from her. Though you will probably try, youre wounded respect this and try to heal, in a healthy way. As you detach the dynamics will change.

And my apologies for my constant apologies. Comes with the territory -self worth is a thing if the past.

Sounds confusing from trying to be emotionally responsible for 2, for 20 years. Its time to be kind and forgiving to YOU. Youve done it for everyone else, they should respect this, no?

Divorce was deemed “default” so I don’t know what happens next. First time around with this.


Have a lawyer? ...I wish you well, Peace

[Goosey]

Thank you ! “Finding me”.
Yes I do have a lawyer.
  I really hope I opt out of the triangle. I almost typed “not go back into the triangle”  but then your words  sunk in. I am in the triangle I just don’t really feel  it now because of n/c.
  Really appreciated your response. Good night.
 

[FindingMe2011]

I really hope I opt out of the triangle. I almost typed “not go back into the triangle”  


You may or may not, either way is fine. One helps you to detachment, the other keeps you enmeshed. At least now you have a little bit better understanding. I would have to read things multiple time for anything to half way sink in, and then seem to forget fairly quickly...Back to reading. The only way off the triangle unfortunately is as the VICTIM. Victims need to be heard and it will fall on deaf ears, if directed at her. You will then become the persecutor, her the victim (which is where she is comfortable) and b/f possibly becomes aggressive towards you. To have you scratching your head again. Do you have a T ? Is one available to you?

I am in the triangle I just don’t really feel  it now because of n/c.

It sounds more of abandonment depression. N/C is for your protection and space to heal. More abuse from her isnt going to help you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229151.0

Really appreciated your response. Good night.

You are searching for understanding, and will find it hopefully. This depends on you and a good T could help you with this, among other ways...Eat well, sleep, and exercise. Doing all three consistently was hard for me at first. Without them its much harder to be genuinely healthy. I wish you well, Peace

[Rev]

I am in the triangle I just don’t really feel  it now because of n/c.

It sounds more of abandonment depression. N/C is for your protection and space to heal. More abuse from her isnt going to help you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229151.0

Really appreciated your response. Good night.

You are searching for understanding, and will find it hopefully. This depends on you and a good T could help you with this, among other ways...Eat well, sleep, and exercise. Doing all three consistently was hard for me at first. Without them its much harder to be genuinely healthy. I wish you well, Peace

Hi Goosey - Just wanting to echo this in particularly.  22 years is a long time to put up with, survive, cope with abuse. And just in case you didn't know - the parts of the brain that process loss and abandonment and the parts of the brain that register pain - they are close cousins.  So this literally hurts - hence the anger.   No contact doesn't cure the pain, but it does give you the really necessary space to process it all. 

Keep on keeping on.  And vent here as much as you need. We've all been there. One day, you're going to pay this forward.

Rev

[Goosey]

Thanks again for the responses.
Actually very helpful.
  The one thing I really didn’t answer was about the physical abuse. It a bit embarrassing but yes she had become very abusive physically. I could just see it building and learned to set stance certain way as to not try to provoke but protect myself. I learned to never get in a vehicle with her.
  It took me a long time to admit to myself I have been abused, by a person half my size and strength and my wife.
   There have been many incidents of violence at the home culminating into her being arrested for simple assault on our daughter. It was so ugly it’s amazing she didn’t also have “assaulting police officer” also.    Ya it was really really bad in the end. So I do fear her. Not so much for any physical damage she could inflict but because of the mortifying public scene she can cause.
  I have n/c except for emails now.
       I will work on the recommendation to get myself healthy. I am practicing none of your recommendations for a long time. I know why but won’t say it because I only half mean it.
   Anyway gonna help a neighbor chop up some downed trees due to recent storms. And they will cook! So that’s two of the healthy lifestyles checked off for today!
  Thank you again, I know it had to end. Better for both of us. Just hard as you all know.

[FindingMe2011]

It a bit embarrassing but yes she had become very abusive physically.

Understandably so, yet needs to be addressed. Cuddos to you my friend. Police reports are necessary and unfortunately abuse only understands one thing. Find the courage, this will amount to greater genuine strength for you. You helping you, do you see how this works?

I know why but won’t say it because I only half mean it.
 

This is where it starts and you have taken the hardest step. The first one. Pat yourself on the back...Keep stepping before long its a jog. The roller coaster ride is just beginning. Hold on tight knowing freedom awaits you. I wish you well, Peace

[Bound Ahree]

Lining up the next relationship.

 A lot of self reflecting later, I refer to this event as a gift. It started my journey...

 This.

[Goosey]

Guessing I am entering the acceptance phase of grief.
Not so bad. Had worse.
I read other posts on this site and anguish.
But try to not comment because I’m raw.
Thank you very much to all the help you have given me.
One day I hope I can pay it back

[FindingMe2011]

Guessing I am entering the acceptance phase of grief.

Dont be surprised if you still bounce around. Its new and wont feel right, stay the course calmer waters are ahead.

Not so bad. Had worse.

This was my response at some point also. In reality I had been reliving my own trauma, regardless how it was triggered. I had been here before, yet this time i gathered more tools. I could see the progress and it pushed me more. Hopefully you will also do this..

I read other posts on this site and anguish.
But try to not comment because I’m raw.

Personally I suggest you do. Its part of the process. This way it doesnt spill into another aspect of your life. It will come out sideways, so to speak. This is one of the places best for this. At some point you need to look from the outside in with  impartiality. This will bring growth. Have patience with your self. It will come when its ready if you push forward.

Thank you very much to all the help you have given me.

It helps me also, to help those helping themselves. Its who I am.

One day I hope I can pay it back

You will and you will know when to do it. First you need to help yourself...You will be fine. I wish you well, Peace

[Rev]

Guessing I am entering the acceptance phase of grief.

Dont be surprised if you still bounce around. Its new and wont feel right, stay the course calmer waters are ahead.

Not so bad. Had worse.

This was my response at some point also. In reality I had been reliving my own trauma, regardless how it was triggered. I had been here before, yet this time i gathered more tools. I could see the progress and it pushed me more. Hopefully you will also do this..

I read other posts on this site and anguish.
But try to not comment because I’m raw.

Personally I suggest you do. Its part of the process. This way it doesnt spill into another aspect of your life. It will come out sideways, so to speak. This is one of the places best for this. At some point you need to look from the outside in with  impartiality. This will bring growth. Have patience with your self. It will come when its ready if you push forward.

Thank you very much to all the help you have given me.

It helps me also, to help those helping themselves. Its who I am.

One day I hope I can pay it back

You will and you will know when to do it. First you need to help yourself...You will be fine. I wish you well, Peace

Just wanting to say "ditto".

And glad you are here.

Rev