Got back w/ my ex w/BPD after years apart & this is what happened. Any thoughts?

[pamela1]

To those reading this topic: if you are in a relationship with someone with BPD and everything is working out for you guys considering the disorder, I'd really appreciate your guidance and advices, but if you're not and you're holding grudges against your ex and all you do is tell people to run for the hills when it comes to BPD, please I've had enough of that and yet I can decide for myself if someone is worth it or not, no matter what, so please don't. But if this is not your case and you have an ex with pbd and want to share some of your wisdom and experiences without judgments I'd love to read it too  

So let's get started.

Back in november I wrote my first and only topic here, saying how much my ex girlfriend hated me and would treat me with nothing but coldness after almost 3 years apart. I thought we would never ever be friends again. But guess what? Two months after that we casually started to talk again and to my surprise she was being nice and seemed to be more mature. No, it wasn't a mistake, she actually is doing better now compared to how she was 3 years before, believe it or not. She also told me she would treat me badly because yes, after all those years she still wasn't okay with me, she would still hurt. She apologized for her bad behavior and assured me everything was fine now.

So, a few months after we started to talk again we decided to get back together but only to a month and a half after she end things... again. I won't get into much details of how it started and ended, but there were no fights, no arguments, no disagreements, no toxic behavior, because after learning a little how to respond to her it was clear that the way she responded to me was different too. It was calmer. I haven't mastered the principles of DBT yet but it IS real, guys, and it's really important to those who want to stick with a pwBPD wether you're a family member or a romantic partner to this person. So it was all about being open and understanding this time, whenever she was upset or I was upset we would sit and talk about it until we were good and solved the problem "for good". There weren't judging or invalidation, just listening and speaking up our minds. It sounds so healthy, right?

But I think I was wrong, we wouldn't fight or have disagreements but appearently she was feeling pain, feeling suffocated by being with me and away from me, and kept it to herself instead of attacking me and in the end she decided that it was best for both of us if we broke up. She wanted to be alone. To me the most logical thing to do was just accept it and that's what happened, life had to keep moving.

The problem is that we wanted to keep friendship and I say problem because with that we would still treat each other as romantic partners, meaning being vulnerable to romantic feelings. Until she started to distance herself by simply stop replying my texts and a couple days after text me again and give me as much love as she could. Oh the push-pull behavior... This cycle has repeated itself a couple times now and right now she's distant again, like if she had moved on already.

From what I saw on her social media she actually is talking to someone new but it's not something serious, it's really not. But the fact is that she is flirting with someone else and it doesn't matter if it's serious or not, she just is. I didn't want to confront her about it but I couldn't just sit there pretending I didn't see it and let that feeling kill me, so I talked to her, no criticizing or pointing fingers, and she said she wasn't getting involved with this girl, she was good being alone and wasn't open to relationships right now with the pandemics as I already knew. But she also didn't want to decide now what she want to do about us and I didn't force her to, she said she likes me very very much and we're good the way we are now, but she can't give me an answer at the moment, but seriously, to me it feels like she's just being nice, that she moved on already and just wants me to decide if I want to keep friendship, try to get her back or leave. What I see and of course I might be wrong is that she doesn't want to take this responsabilty to herself, even if to ME it's clear she just wants to remain friends... yet she won't tell me that, which is hard for me to decide what to do, considering her illness and also the person she is aside from that.

But the truth is that I'm not okay with all that, I practice compassion and understanding because that's what I alone decided I wanted to do for her, because while she is not disrespcting me or trying to break my limits, I do want to stick with her and try to make things work if that's possible for us.

I'm pretty dysregulated myself now, and although this kind of behavior of hers is predictable and expected we're never truly ready to deal with it. I honestly don't know what to do or if I can even see if the answer is right in front of me already, I'm torn between end this "romantic friendship" with her, give myself a long time away from her so I can move on and truly heal or if I stay and wait to see what happens next. If I'm missing some important detail here that would help me have some peace and accept things how they are now, how she is now, and yet be able to wait if we have a chance... considering that we went too far just to end things now IF thats the case. I need insight.

So what are your thoughts?

[JNChell]

Your love interest has BPD. You love this person and want to make it work. She is currently seeing someone else, but you are committed to her. I understand that. My Son’s mom and I did the same thing until we didn’t anymore.

Do you feel like the friendship deal is being kept evenly between the two of you?

[Ynwa77]

Hi,

I will try to explain to you what is going on with no mallice I hatred towards my experience with a BPD, with my ex she couldn’t decide who she wanted so she decided to keep them all, all her exes stayed in her life, assigning a few months to each one then switching, it is an on going cycle, from my
Experience when they “mature” is when they need you and as soon as they don’t need you they turn into the person you tried to avoid. It’s a never ending cycle and I know it one of the hardest thing to do but I would advise you to consider moving on. That’s my advice anyways, hope all is well.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I mean, as long as you deal with someone who has BPD, it's going to mess with your mind a lot.

She could have left the relationship because you two had poor boundaries and were engulfed with each other, which isn't healthy. With my ex-girlfriend, she wanted engulfment, and when we had it she freaked out and pushed me away and was mean to me. But she wanted it too, desperately. Or she left because of fear of abandonment.

People with BPD are often putting up a front, so if she seems like her life is more together now, it might be somewhat, but I wouldn't accept it as reality, there's almost always a facade going on. You seem to trust her a lot, and I don't know her, but from my experience, and about everyone's experience here, they generally don't deserve it, you will probably get burned.

People with BPD often have many people in their orbit as potential partners that they keep around, you are probably one of many. They also tend not to jump ship without having someone to go to, because they are highly dependent. Maybe the pandemic is changing her behavior, but most likely she just does it online instead of in person. I would not trust the degree at which she is involved with others, it's probably more than what she is saying.

Maybe some people can make a BPD relationship work, but it requires a high level of emotional maturity, a ton of knowledge about BPD, and probably them already working hard on themselves through a lot of therapy. Without them trying to get better on their own, they are essentially lost causes.

[Goosey]

I miss my bpd wife every day. (Separated/ in divorce). The drama level has dropped to an almost no contact situation. She is involved with someone new.
  I dream that somehow we could be together again. I would require that we finalize divorce. Separate financially forever. Maintain boundaries etc.  I think I could overlook her relationship though would never allow it with me.
   Then reality arrives. It’s quiet because she IS on a relationship. The divorce means nothing. The divorce has been going on for two years and everyday was insane up until it was obvious she was involved romantically (or whatever) with another.
   So my dream was a pipe dream.
   I’ll always miss her. I’ll reminisce and gloss over the ugly and just remember the good. She is 50 now. She was always a handful I just think the “change” and compounded money problems (her spending) brought the “handful” to a peak of really really really disturbing behavior. She seems better. We don’t speak but actually completed a required transaction via email and voicemails.
   I wish her the best. I just think she knows I know too much. If that makes any sense. I spent about three years pampering and buttoning my lip to placate her. And that wasn’t enough.
  I filed divorce.  Yes I did that. But she made the decisions  that she needed to survive.
  Love her always. Know it’s impossible to have a relationship again. And bless her because she made the moves to make all that just hypothetical anyway. I wouldn’t have had the heart to cut her out.

[pamela1]

Do you feel like the friendship deal is being kept evenly between the two of you?

That's what it seems for now. But I have the feeling that when she's needy again she'll come to me and act as if we have something more than just friendship. I guess I'll have to put an end to it.

[pamela1]

with my ex she couldn’t decide who she wanted so she decided to keep them all, all her exes stayed in her life, assigning a few months to each one then switching, it is an on going cycle

I'm not sure if this is the case of my ex, when I think about her this behavior doesn't fit her. She's more of the type that will cut ties with her exes and keep them at a good distance or simply won't care about them at all. She's not the type who cheats or burns an ex's house to the ground when in crisis. Despite everything and the never ending drama she's a very good person, which doesn't mean I agree with everything she does.

It’s a never ending cycle and I know it one of the hardest thing to do but I would advise you to consider moving on. That’s my advice anyways, hope all is well.

I've considered it and I think the best thing I can do is move on for good. Truth be told, she doesn't want to stay in a relationship with me and there's nothing I can do about it. Period.

And thank you for your words!

[pamela1]

Maybe some people can make a BPD relationship work, but it requires a high level of emotional maturity, a ton of knowledge about BPD, and probably them already working hard on themselves through a lot of therapy. Without them trying to get better on their own, they are essentially lost causes.

Agreed. I think that even if you have a high level of emotional maturity and a lot of knowledge about bpd, meaning you can effectively communicate with someone with the disorder, it won't matter at all if the pwBPD will not cooperate even a little bit or if they don't want to. The relationship is doomed to failure anyway.