Short video on parental alienation

[JNChell]

I came across this video on YouTube. It’s short and involves snippets from a handful of specialists. I believe that I’m at the forefront of an alienation attempt and found the video interesting. Have any of you been alienated or had attempts made to do so?

https://youtu.be/YQXSAVUNngg

[zachira]

Thank you for the link to the video.
One of my very best friends has not seen her children in years. We became friends many years ago, when she still had partial custody of her children. Her ex and his wife who could not have children launched a terrible campaign against her that continues to this day. First they regularly called Child Protective Services (CPS). My friend told CPS that she wanted to know if she was doing anything wrong, because she wanted to be a good mother to her children. CPS finally told her they were closing the case because there was no child abuse. Later they told people that my friend was sleeping around. My friend does not believe in having sex outside of marriage. Then they launched an intense media campaign about how they had been abused by her church and her which continues to this day over 20 years later. Throughout all of this, my friend has been nothing but an inspiration to me, as she is still the kind caring person she has always been. Her biggest mistake was to never say anything negative to her children about their father and step mom, and to not bad mouth them to anybody. I later read "Divorce Poison" which is about parent alienation, and I realize that the parent that is being alienated does have to clarify certain things with the children so that the parent alienation does not continue to be unchallenged while working with the courts to stop the parent alienation. My friend's children were infants and toddlers when the parents divorced. I think of how young your son is JNChell, and I fear for you because you son is at an age in which he could be easily brainwashed by his mother into hating you. My friend's son who is now an adult recently participated in one of his parent's toxic seminars and told endless lies about my friend. I am glad you are taking the threat of parent alienation very seriously.

[JNChell]

It’s really something what some people go through. Thank God that you both have each other. You have a “constant” which is very important. Especially because the two of understand what is happening. No BS, with the trauma and everything involved, you’re war buddies.

I received a message a bit ago from S5’s mom. Obviously, no self awareness. Her response to court was that I have nothing on her and that she has everything. It’s not about her. Not one word from her was about our Son. It’s a bad game of basketball. Shoot and miss. She is completely unaware of herself. Our child is being used because of her. Grant it, I inflame the situation because I’m pissed off and concerned. I mean, I get fighting mad in man terms.

[zachira]

Though our situations are different they are quite similar in some ways. It is so hard to contain the anger, be your best self, when you are being abused by your ex and your son is in harm's way. Her arrogant response is likely what will allow you to get custody of your son at some point if you start pursuing the necessary legal channels right away. She clearly can't keep up her facade of being a good mother in all circumstances. Right now, your challenge is to not become too overhwelmed, and do what you have to do.

[JNChell]

Right now in tears, I’m thinking that my disbelief has been the biggest barrier. My own narcissism in expecting things to work themselves out. Trying to talk logic. Expecting that logic to make a difference! I can’t hook this fish with anything that I cast at it. I know that you understand. It’s starting to become personal because of our child. I’m getting pissed off at the excuses and how she can’t understand. I know that she can’t understand, but I’m getting mad at a fact which isn’t reasonable or logical.

[zachira]

Acceptance is tough. I think your challenge may be that you are not like your ex. You would never do the things she does. You believe in the ability of human beings to become better versions of themselves, which is true for most people, and not likely for very personality disordered people. You are grieving right now, and feeling frustrated about the future. I cried when I figured out that my sister has NPD. You are facing many long years of having to coparent with your ex, unless she loses custody. If you do go for full custody and eventually get it, she may completely lose interest in being a parent to your son. For a lot of disordered parents, being a parent is too overwhelming and not worth it unless they can have full control over their child.

[JNChell]

z, thank you for your pragmatic take. I truly appreciate it. I want to bitch about how hard this is, but I know your story. I’d like to bring up that your story is one of the multigenerational situation. I’m sure it’s been said. It’s said again. Like you said, I’m different from S5’s mom. You’re different from your siblings. I really hope that a peaceful end is approaching that for you. You know, I think that I tried to tell you to simply let go at one point. That was terrible advice. It wasn’t thought out and it lacked all empathy. I’m sorry for that. This is powerful and words can sometimes be easy.

You have been alienated as an adult. I know your story well. I understand that there are still certain people that you are able to have healthy contact with. You know the cause, but how has alienation affected you? I’m sorry if that question pisses you off. You’ve thoroughly explained it, but I think that your insight would be a big help for the conversation.

[zachira]

Your advice was not as bad as you think. We have to find ways to let go, otherwise we will go mad. It is extremely heartbreaking and challenging when we are never safe, never know when the disordered family members are going to strike again. One thing I do know is these type of conflict chaos seeking people are looking for control and revenge because they are so unhappy inside and need somebody and something to blame for how badly they feel inside. Setting short term goals like being the best person you can be for the day can take some of the stress off and let you enjoy the small things that matter. Getting worked up about how you wish you could just end the torturous relationship with your disordered ex just will make you more anxious and angry. That is not to say that you won't have many moments when you feel like you are in hell. I find it really helps to meditate, take as much quiet time as I can for myself, so no overwhelming emotions get too built up. There is one guy who regularly posts, (Sorry, I can't remember his name.) who shared how he felt when his children all aged out of the system and he did not have to deal with his horrible ex anymore. Hopefully for both of us, the worst of having to deal with the disordered toxic people in our lives that we would choose to have nothing to do with if we didn't have to, will end sooner rather than later.

[JNChell]

For some reason, this thread isn’t actually showing up. I’m alerted by email. Besides the point.

z, thank you. I reckon keeping the head on straight is the best policy. You’re a great leader on this stuff. I haven’t kept track of time, but you’ve been around with consistency. Your message and advice is spot on and unwavering.

They do look for little windows of revenge, don’t they. What a world zachira. You dealt with several people. I’m trying to deal with one. Your mother has passed away. You still have siblings to deal with. Christ! It almost sounds like mosquitoes! Have you been able to retrieve what you’re entitled to? Have you got yours and been able to walk away?

[zachira]

I am a long ways from being able to walk away. My brother is refusing to settle the estate, and I am wondering if he has fired the lawyer. I need to find out if he can just refuse to settle the estate, and if there is anything I can do about it.
My sister is just becoming more and more abusive.
I really can't sell the rest of the properties until the pandemic is over.
I am working right now on moving as soon as the pandemic lightens up, than hopefully will be able to get my things out of my brother's house though he is saying he doesn't want me there for more than 3-5 hours, so it means I will have to make several trips if he indeed does let me in. I have already arranged for some relatives to help me do the moving. I have decided I should never be alone with my siblings as I never know what they might falsely accuse me of.
Such a nightmare, yet I have to get up ever day and make the best of things. I have let myself get too overwhelmed by how my dysfunctional family members affect me for too long. It is now a day to day existance and hopefully sooner rather than later, my siblings will be mostly out of my life.

[JNChell]

It’s time to take a breath. You deserve it. Music or books? You should probably pick music because my books are about special operation forces in Vietnam. Let’s do music

[JNChell]

Are you down z?

[JNChell]

Your song first.