Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
November 26, 2020, 09:46:05 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Exiting a 5 year relationship with a diagnosed BPD  (Read 1261 times)
Schlaff

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Breaking up
Posts: 24


« Reply #30 on: September 23, 2020, 05:55:37 AM »

@once removed

Thanks for the post.

I do feel like I shouldn’t be placed on the codependent spectrum really, it doesn’t feel right to me. I’ve done some reading on it and it doesn’t seem to really quite fit, although from some of my posts I can see why that connection is made, and certainly o won’t dismiss it and maybe I need to learn more.

But, I should make it clear, I’m not leaning, I broke up with her, 3 weeks ago now I think? This is not a Break. This is not a “we broke up but we will get back together as soon as you know I mean business”. This is a full on break up. A year from now? If we’ve both worked out some stuff, and we reconnect? I dunno, maybe? But right joe and near future, nah. This was plain and simple, untenable. Had to end, no two ways about it.

I will definitely check out those other sub forums once the dust settles on finding a new place though.
Logged
Schlaff

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Breaking up
Posts: 24


« Reply #31 on: September 26, 2020, 05:37:48 AM »

Big set back tonight.

I signed my new lease yesterday morning. It’s under my name, but as she doesn’t have anywhere to go when she’s in town on weekends here, I’ve agreed to pretty much give her a room, and we essentially still live together half time. It’s still stressing her out that we are shortly actually leaving the house we’ve lived together in as a couple.

We worked a shift together today also. She had a few drinks afterwards, and her attitude slowly but surely spiraled into a full melt down. Knocking things over, screaming that she wants to die. After begging her to stop for a short bit, I left. Came back after a few minutes of driving around. Her attitude at this point shifted even worse, as I understand the terminology here, I’d been split black at this point. Went back outside, not knowing what to do. She came out to smoke and plopped a bottle of whiskey down. I immediately grabbed it and drove off and threw the damn thing in the ditch. She’s got zero good reason to drink more right now.

So now I’m back. She’s got a bedroom door locked and won’t respond. I hope she just went to bed. I can’t help but think she’s making good on her suicidal threats though. Yet I also don’t want to force the door open (I’ve shattered one door for the *exact* same goddamn reason), and I don’t want to just re-engage either. F***ing impossible.

So, like my previous posts. I’m unsure if I need to stay firm with my course here, or if a fuller detachment is what we both need, or if more support needs to be shown. And what that would even look like.

I’m ready to do the hard things. I just don’t know which hard thing is the right thing to do.
Logged
Turkish
Senior Ambassador
*
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 10947


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #32 on: September 26, 2020, 09:23:45 PM »

 Was she already drinking when you first saw her? Dealing with this is hard enough but a lot tougher if someone is under the influence.  

It would be a good idea for you to call a local suicide hotline. They can provide local resources and it would also be good for toy to get support. The call is anonymous.

These guidelines may help.

Excerpt

If you are helping someone with suicidal thoughts:

1.   Take it seriously.

Myth: “The people who talk about it don't do it.” Studies have found that more than 75% of all completed suicides did things in the few weeks or months prior to their deaths to indicate to others that they were in deep despair. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings needs immediate attention.

Myth: “Anyone who tries to kill himself has got to be crazy.” Perhaps 10% of all suicidal people are psychotic or have delusional beliefs about reality. Most suicidal people suffer from the recognized mental illness of depression; but many depressed people adequately manage their daily affairs. The absence of “craziness” does not mean the absence of suicide risk.

“Those problems weren't enough to commit suicide over,” is often said by people who knew a completed suicide. You cannot assume that because you feel something is not worth being suicidal about, that the person you are with feels the same way. It is not how bad the problem is, but how badly it's hurting the person who has it.

2.   Remember: suicidal behavior is a cry for help.

Myth: “If a someone is going to kill himself, nothing can stop him.” The fact that a person is still alive is sufficient proof that part of him wants to remain alive. The suicidal person is ambivalent - part of him wants to live and part of him wants not so much death as he wants the pain to end. It is the part that wants to live that tells another “I feel suicidal.” If a suicidal person turns to you it is likely that he believes that you are more caring, more informed about coping with misfortune, and more willing to protect his confidentiality. No matter how negative the manner and content of his talk, he is doing a positive thing and has a positive view of you.

3.   Be willing to give and get help sooner rather than later.

Suicide prevention is not a last minute activity. All textbooks on depression say it should be reached as soon as possible. Unfortunately, suicidal people are afraid that trying to get help may bring them more pain: being told they are stupid, foolish, sinful, or manipulative; rejection; punishment; suspension from school or job; written records of their condition; or involuntary commitment. You need to do everything you can to reduce pain, rather than increase or prolong it. Constructively involving yourself on the side of life as early as possible will reduce the risk of suicide.

4.   Listen.

Give the person every opportunity to unburden his troubles and ventilate his feelings. You don't need to say much and there are no magic words. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it. Give him relief from being alone with his pain; let him know you are glad he turned to you. Patience, sympathy, acceptance. Avoid arguments and advice giving.

5.   ASK: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”

Myth: “Talking about it may give someone the idea.” People already have the idea; suicide is constantly in the news media. If you ask a despairing person this question you are doing a good thing for them: you are showing him that you care about him, that you take him seriously, and that you are willing to let him share his pain with you. You are giving him further opportunity to discharge pent up and painful feelings. If the person is having thoughts of suicide, find out how far along his ideation has progressed.

6.   If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave him alone.

If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave them alone - drive the person to the nearest emergency department or other service facility. They may be hesitant - that is normal. The local suicide hotlines can advise you of the best facility.

If the situation is life threatening, or the person refuses to go for care, or you are unable to transport them, call 911.

Please do not use emergency medical services to teach anyone a lesson.
.
If the means to commit suicide are present, try to get rid of them.

7.   Urge professional help.

If someone is acting suicidal or talking of suicide, it is vitally important to get them into professional care at the first signs. Like many disorders, early detection and treatment yields better outcomes. Persistence and patience may be needed to seek, engage and continue with as many options as possible. In any referral situation, let the person know you care and want to maintain contact.

8.   From crisis to recovery.

Most people have suicidal thoughts or feelings at some point in their lives; yet less than 2% of all deaths are suicides. Nearly all suicidal people suffer from conditions that will pass with time or with the assistance of a recovery program. There are hundreds of modest steps we can take to improve our response to the suicidal and to make it easier for them to seek help. Taking these modest steps can save many lives and reduce a great deal of human suffering.

Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Schlaff

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Breaking up
Posts: 24


« Reply #33 on: September 29, 2020, 02:45:05 AM »

I read all these things on suicide and I take them very very seriously, but...

At what point am I not helping, supporting anymore. At what point am I just her crutch? An enabler? A doormat? Even if I’m literally following the above to the letter?

Perhaps even a better question:  at what point should I admit (to myself, to her) that I’m incapable of helping her? Man, did I try. Of course I made mistakes, etc, but I seriously gave it everything I had to help.

Honestly don’t know how to help anymore.
Logged
Turkish
Senior Ambassador
*
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 10947


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #34 on: September 29, 2020, 11:04:31 PM »

Christmas Day, 2012, my ex got into a row with her mother and stormed out of her patents' home. I remained with our toddler son, not wanting our Christmas ruined. We had driven separately for some reason. I received a text,  "bring our baby home!" So we left.

I found her collapsed into a ball on the floor in our bathroom. I found a note written on our computer that was full of suicide ideation. It was the closest I'd ever come to calling EMS. She was pregnant with our daughter and I thought, "it might help her, yet she'd never forgive me that shame." I talked her through it and encouraged her to "come out" about her diagnosed depression to her family and she did.

What followed were good times and bad times, culminating  less than two years later with she leaving me for a study college football jock 20 years my junior and 10 hers.

Did I help and maybe "save" her back then? Maybe. Yet with years to think about it, people are independent entities, free to make their own choices, no matter what we think of those choices.

Three years ago, I helped her again through a domestic violence incident with her husband.  Didn't save, rescue (or shame her even though she was the perp), yet encouraged her to reach out for help so she would be empowered to take responsibility for herself. That made all the difference.

It's not about what we can do for others, we can't save anybody. It's about supporting others so they can rescue themselves.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11399



« Reply #35 on: October 01, 2020, 03:05:50 AM »

Perhaps even a better question:  at what point should I admit (to myself, to her) that I’m incapable of helping her?

if you are an ex romantic partner, and you are committed to being one, then by and large, you arent capable of helping her, at least not in the way youre used to.

to the extent that you are, its a very, very different role than if you were her partner. and frankly, its a very fine line. you dont want help or support to be perceived as "hope for the relationship".

it would likely be a good idea to get in touch with a suicide hotline, get professional guidance.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Schlaff

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Breaking up
Posts: 24


« Reply #36 on: October 01, 2020, 10:57:12 AM »

@Turkish

Thanks for the story. I understand the concepts you put forth well enough, it’s just hard to apply them in real time, if that makes any sense. Frustrating.

@once removed

I hear you. I’ve told her as much a hundred times too, that I can’t be her entire support group anymore. (Can any one person *ever* fill that role?) Also we both know she needs professional help, and she’s taken some steps. But with moving, her working full time for her mother in return for tuition paid, for full time school, working weekends as her only real income, there hasn’t been time, or money for therapy. So progress on that front is just plain stalled.

I also fear that you are correct with that ‘perceived hope’ for the relationship. I don’t think it’s a great idea that we still essentially live together. She just literally had no where else to go. I fear no matter what I say, and even though there is no physical, romantic involvement, she’s still getting strung along.

I told her a couple days ago I was going to cancel our joint cell phone service to save some money and she completely broke down. The only way that should be so big an issue is if she doesn’t think the break up is real yet. But, that’s how *I* think, and not necessarily how anyone else would think, a concept I try to get her to understand.
Logged
Schlaff

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Breaking up
Posts: 24


« Reply #37 on: October 14, 2020, 04:19:53 AM »

Feeling like another update. First I wanna thank anyone who’s read or replied. It does help.

Last couple weeks were rough. Moving was super stressful. It was only last second I found a place, and had to really scramble to clean/pack/move to make it happen. Even luckily grabbed a last second storage unit for our extra stuff. Called several places, finally found one a brand new one that had booked half up *that day*. Bleh. Won’t go further into that, just.. added stress.

That added stress of course, magnified our relationship problems. I pride myself on being understanding for that and it mostly was okay. But here and there we had some standoffs.

What worries me right his second is:  how far has the pendulum swung? I am naturally one to roll with the punches. Be kind, patient, understanding with people. But after everything, I’m very very short with her on some things. Obviously in a broad sense, some of that is warranted, but I worry my overall demeanor has been kinda sabotaged. Don’t want a super long post so I won’t go specific in this one, but there’s been some arguments where, an hour later, I apologize for my reactions. It’s followed by a “but this is where our interactions have put me” kinda statement though.

I dunno. Normal? Too harsh sometimes? Worrying I’m harsh when I *should* be? Unsure there.

This is something I could bring up in therapy. Which I said I was going to but just haven’t made the time. I have excuses for that which don’t really merit listing, I think. Either I’m gonna or I’m not.

Could rant some more but I’ll leave it at that haha.
Logged
Serenitywithin

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 48


« Reply #38 on: October 14, 2020, 11:07:49 AM »

Schlaff,

just read the whole thread. Sorry for your pain I am in a marriage of a little over 15yrs. With 4 kids. I am trying to better it right now, but am really just in a toleration mode and my two older girls who have been the split black and target of her rage over the these years now see her for what she is and are talking to me about it pretty outright at this point. I have forced her into therapy but she has quit after a BPD dx. SO You are right you cant help her she will have to help herself.

I too am writing on these boards as a way to vent when angry and it does help and there are some really good folks on here who have been through it.  Know your not alone and others have been there. No one can tell us nons how to act or react to what is going on , or when to stay or leave. My family and friends and even clergy have told me I should be looking to leave for my sake and the kids but until recently I have not been ready to hear that because I too love my PwBPD.... I am starting to see that alot of this is due to FOG(Fear, Obligation , and Guilt). So I understand you wanting to help her but ( and not telling you what to do) it sounds like your allowing her to live there on the weekends as an obligation and out of guilt. You may already know this but since you are not married and not tied together legally or with children, I would imagine it will be impossible for you to move on until you detach or at least make her get out on her own place so that she is not constantly bringing you back into her internal drama.

I do pray for peace for you in this situation and I hope that you are granted wisdom in how you deal with your situation moving forward. I know that I pray for these things for myself daily as I navigate this crazy life with my BPD wife.
Logged
Schlaff

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Breaking up
Posts: 24


« Reply #39 on: October 18, 2020, 05:53:43 AM »

@serenity

We had the marriage talk, we had the kids talk. Man, I can only guess how much more I would have tolerated had we taken those steps. Probly the same amount of years you did? I would imagine that makes it even more difficult... sorry to hear it.
Logged
Schlaff

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Breaking up
Posts: 24


« Reply #40 on: October 18, 2020, 06:13:51 AM »

Ranting some more.

She’s gotten into therapy again and sounds hopeful with the new T. However there’s another damn roadblock out of anyone’s control. She’s tested positive for the covid. I’ve tested negative, but I’m to stay quarantined til I get another negative a bit later. So we are both stuck in the apartment. She can’t do one thing her T told her to do, which is get the the gym. I’m trying to distance, which she is taking as an affront, calling me ‘cold’.

I calmly but firmly told her I’m done defending what I say.  if I explain I’m not being cold, I just need to not get sick and get back to work. If she wants to run with it and make it into a big ordeal and feel attacked, I’m going to eventually simply let her think that. I can’t explain that it’s not the case for the second thousandth time. Unsure how fair that is, really. But I said it and I feel justified in it.

Just frustrated. From what I read, people with BPD or BPD traits, either have no clue they are doing wrong, or know but just don’t know why, or how to fix it. She’s the latter. She knows she needs help, she knows her actions are unacceptable. It’s just a never ending cycle of obstacles for her to get some dang help! Some of that’s her own fault, but the end of the day, I’m still gonna feel bad about a person that needs help and can’t get it.

I mean, being quarantined is bad enough for me even. I’ve already been struggling with just working, laying in bed, working, laying in bed. I had just built some momentum getting into the gym consistently myself, back to square one. Tack it on to everything else she’s going through... yuck.

End result here is the same problem I’ve struggled with the whole way. That is, finding the balance. I want to be available for support. I care. I want to give her what I can. But I’m absolutely done with some of it, and I need to stay firm I’m not tolerating certain things. So hard to ride that line sometimes.
Logged
Schlaff

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Breaking up
Posts: 24


« Reply #41 on: November 03, 2020, 03:17:19 PM »

So, after her third session with the new therapist, we got to a different diagnosis. Like I think I said earlier, the thought now is that there are/may be traits of BPD, not full on BPD. I understand this, I think. Not an uncommon scenario.

The new diagnosis, though, is OCD. So, I will be doing some more digging into that. On the surface so far, it looks like the two can kinda present the same way, or have a lot of overlap? And of course, while we try to neatly label everything, its just never so simple.

Just frustrating, that I/we finally landed on BPD as the Name of the Monster, it was reassuring to have a name. Now we have a different answer. Just hoping that whatever name the affliction is, some actual progress can be made. If anyone following can point me to resources on OCD that would be appreciated, although I think I can probably figure it out.

Anyways, since last post. Things are kinda the same. I am definitely depressed, by my own expert diagnostic opinion haha. I dont feel significantly sad, really. Im just tired and uninterested in everything. Not pursuing hobbies, looking forward to just going to sleep, etc. Morbid/suicidal thoughts (with zero intention to do anything dumb). Low appetite. Problem is, while I know intellectually that it could be helpful to go talk to someone, I just dont care to. Id rather just keep my head down and push through this.

I dunno.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11399



« Reply #42 on: November 06, 2020, 05:31:43 AM »

bpd traits can be a monster.

in intimate relationships, they can be even more so than someone with diagnosable bpd. when you get right down to it, it can seem like semantics. my personal takeaway was not so much dismissing bpd, as much as it couldnt explain everything about her, or between us.

there are lots of things going on Schlaff, that i would encourage you to reflect on.

as much as you think you are done with this relationship, you are very involved. thats not a judgment. i know how complicated this is. grappling with it can either help you detach, or try to improve the situation.

the vast majority of us (70-80 percent) arrive here clinically depressed. i did. i waited longer than id have preferred to, regarding my symptoms. suicidal thoughts, even in absence of a plan or intention, are a sign of severe depression. and the thing about depression is that its insidious...it makes everything, everything, harder.

how can we help?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Schlaff

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Breaking up
Posts: 24


« Reply #43 on: November 09, 2020, 02:49:06 PM »

bpd traits can be a monster.


as much as you think you are done with this relationship, you are very involved. thats not a judgment. i know how complicated this is. grappling with it can either help you detach, or try to improve the situation.


Correct, I am very much involved. I still care about her, and frankly never understood how people can just up and completely drop people from their lives overnight, after spending every day with them for X amount of time. I'm done being her SO, but we still live together half time, still work together once or twice a week, still share friends, etc. And I still want to be there for her while she gets help. Still just struggling with what that support needs to look like.

As for my own depression, its possible Im being an idiot, procrastinating, etc. But I do think that I can just work through it. The idea behind putting it in writing on this board is, if I look back a couple weeks from now and its not better, then I can get off my butt and set up an appointment. Of all my wide range of symptoms of depression, one I dont have, really, is a long term hopelessness. I do worry that I will never find a long term, happy, fullfilling relationship, but... that seriously doesnt bother me terribly much haha.

And more on her new diagnosis, the more I dig in and research, the more I think this:  I still feel like BPD is a better description of her issues, however, this is a licensed therapist who went to school for this, does it for a living. I have to think she knows better than me. And, there seems to be some significant overlap here, not only in how each can present, but in what the treatment is. So perhaps it doesnt matter what we want to call it. Bottom line here is, I need to remind myself that her getting significant, consistent help is the key, not the Name of the Monster.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!