SD14 potential HS unenroll? Not sure what to do.

[kells76]

One idea:

Hi Kids' Mom;

SD14 is currently considered truant because she has not been enrolled as a homeschooler with Local Ed Service. I'm saddened things have come to this point and am concerned for her education. Please let me know as soon as possible what you plan to do. I'm worried about how this could turn out for SD14.

Best;

DH

If this were to be included:

Given that Local District plans to return to a hybrid model in winter term, let's get her enrolled in Local HS for the hybrid model (partial in person), which we know she wants (instead of all online).

I suspect it would trigger Mom's opposition and "amazing revelations of insight into what SD14 TRULY wants, which isn't what you suggest"

And it might be "solving her problem" for her. So, not going there. Even though it would address this:

So..clearly document that you think in person is better and you are disappointed and concerned with the current course of action.

Sadly, Mom usually "digs in her heels" and uses "[her interpretation of] what SD14 REALLY wants" as her defenses against doing anything DH thinks is better. So, we have to be creative about keeping the kids out of the middle of these kinds of discussions.

...

As far as what you tell the school district.  I would tell them what you know and be clear about what you do not know.  I would be clear that you are concerned about the child's education and that you are doing what you can do improve it.  Be clear that you have no real decision making power here and that concerns and consequences should be directed to the decision maker.

Makes sense. My only nagging worry is that there would be any "hand slaps" or punitive action towards DH if he learned this info yesterday and hasn't acted on it for a couple of days. I did include in an email to the homeschool coordinator that "I'm sure you can appreciate that this is a delicate situation when there are two households".

And I think, by and large, school is safe for kids.

110% with you. Sadly facts and data don't mix with the kids' mom, so again we have to find other ways to work with her. A typical decompensation from her, when pressed with actual facts, would be "well, it's not about logic".

I'm much more a fan of consistency for my kids

Absolutely, and I think it's a "hidden cost" of this whole thing... the fear, inconsistency, and insecurity in kids' lives. Routine and structure aren't just "oh, I guess it's nice for the kids now and then"... the less energy they have to spend on figuring out what's new and changing in life, the more energy they have to spend on maturing, growing up, and being stable selves. This is going to come back to bite young people and nobody is talking about it. Sigh...

but they haven't asked me to be in charge... yet 

[formflier]

Hi Kids' Mom;

SD14 is currently considered truant because she has not been enrolled as a homeschooler with Local Ed Service. I'm saddened things have come to this point and am concerned for her education. Please let me know as soon as possible what you plan to do. I'm worried about how this could turn out for SD14.

Best;

DH

First of all...I can't say this is "bad".  

It's certainly not what I would do.  Here is why.

It will reveal that you have been rooting around in school records/people (that would likely be triggering).

Plus..it's overfunctioning (IMO) for a pwBPD.  

If she isn't smart enough to ascertain risk to her kid and verify her kids status, doesn't that say something?  Why cover for her or hand her the answer?

Hmm..oh...I would stay away from what a 14 year old wants.  Make it about what DH believes is wise for their child.  (own it...don't justify it)

Let her dig in her heels (don't let this possibility shy away from the truth).  If you were really concerned with this...would you have DH send her an email saying that he and SD14 think homeschooling is best...therefore causing her to enroll kid back with in person instruction?  

Yes...this is me making a bit of light of the situation...but you see the point here.  Speak your truth..clearly and for the record, let a pwBPD fly around on their broom if they want to.

Again..this is all my POV.  Not at all saying yours is wrong.  I can easily see how covering for the Mom "helps" a 14 year old avoid the fallout from a pwBPD mom.  It's likely many would support exactly what you are suggesting.

So...just know I'm in your corner with whatever path you take.  My goal is that you understand my POV...all after that..we're good!  

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

This story reminds me a bit of when my father was ill and my BPD mother took charge ( he wouldn't oppose her) of his medical care. I naively tried to step in and "rescue" my father from some decisions. Although he was a legal adult, and D14 is not, he also was seriously ill and so was dependent on her.

The triangle in this is also similar. But it's a dysfunctional one.

I may have missed something, but it seems that D14's mother is in charge legally?

I called social services to see if I could intervene, but since my father was legally competent, there wasn't anything I could do.

There can be a discrepancy between what you as a step parent feels the child needs and the legal standard of care, which may not be up to your standards.

I know there's a child involved and if I had custody of a child, I would fight for their well being, but if BPD mom is calling the education shots, and there's not legal premise for this fight, then you are fighting mom with no legal ground to stand on.

One might also consider that the more you do, the more you keep mom from really messing up long enough for the schools or social services to step in and I am pretty sure they will if there's truancy. If D14 is not enrolled, maybe better to step out of the way and let them deal with BPD mom.

There are a couple of triangles here. One is you, your H, and BPD mom. The other is you/DH, BPDmom and her H, and D14. From my own observation, pwBPD perceive things from victim perspective.  When you step in as rescuer, you become the persecutor. The other two players on the triangle are likely to align against you with BPD mom in victim mode.

Even a suggestion can trigger victim perspective.

You come in to "rescue" D 14. BPD mom takes victim mode, her H aligns with her against you. ( when I tried to help my Dad, mom took victim mode, Dad stepped in to rescue her)

You come in to help D14 and BPD mom feels threatened, coerces D14 to align with her. "I am doing what D14 wants"- and so abducting her responsibility to decide what is best for D14, regardless of what a teenager wants.

I know you want what is best for D14, but I am not sure of what rights you have to intervene in this situation, and unless something changes legally. I know you are documenting what is going on, but if mom has legal authority, I don't know how much you can do beyond help with school when the children are with you.


I just read FF's response and I think we said the same thing

it's overfunctioning (IMO) for a pwBPD.

[worriedStepmom]

At this point, I wouldn't talk to mom about it at all.  I would consult with a lawyer to see if this is enough to get tiebreaker status for education purposes.

You've already documented a lot of conversations in the late summer about making sure that everything is organized properly for the kids' education.  You reminded mom to talk to the school months ago.  You and H have been bending over backwards to get info from the school to make sure you can help the kids with their education and that they would continue to be on track.  And you let mom know that you were trying to help.  

What did mom do?  Not much.

It *is* a weird year.  But in your case you have a parent (H) who is trying to tie up the loose ends, and a parent who refuses to do so.

[kells76]

And maybe that's the meta question here... is there even a thing to do?

Finding out that SD14 is truant was a surprise. I was seeing if the math we're doing (a) is on track for 9th grade, and (b) will garner any HS credit for her. The info kind of came out in that email exchange.

I'm on board with not overfunctioning for Mom. And yeah, as a stepparent, really nothing I can do.

the more you do, the more you keep mom from really messing up long enough for the schools or social services to step in and I am pretty sure they will if there's truancy

That is a question I have... does the local public school district talk to the county ed service? County ed service is the umbrella for any education of any kind (public, private, home, alternative, etc) happening in the county. Local HS knows SD14 was unenrolled, but what I don't know is if they report that to the County ed service. I.e., are these groups talking to each other?

I know you are documenting what is going on, but if mom has legal authority, I don't know how much you can do beyond help with school when the children are with you.

Yup, and in a way, I'm totally fine with this -- with not overfunctioning, and letting Mom experience the outcomes of her choices. I think mostly I don't want DH to get "in trouble" for knowing this and "not doing anything".

...

It will reveal that you have been rooting around in school records/people (that would likely be triggering).

Yup... and even though DH has that right, yes, 110% that would trigger her.

If she isn't smart enough to ascertain risk to her kid and verify her kids status, doesn't that say something?

Yes it most certainly does.

...

So, tying it all together...

We have expressed our concern to the ed district

Informing Mom that SD14 is truant "shows our hand" and is triggering... it's being right instead of effective

Stepping into a situation that Mom has created is making a drama triangle

SD14 is more in a place now where she sees how Mom is, and if there is fallout from truancy, could likely correctly identify Mom's choices as the source

As long as DH is not legally on the hook for something (i.e. "duty to report" type thing?)...

we sit back and wait, so that we don't solve Mom's problems for her

...

Condensing further:

As long as DH has done anything he might be required to do, after receiving this information unexpectedly, then we don't do anything else, so that we don't create an unhealthy triangle.

Given that we are on board with not overfunctioning, can you guys see anything that DH might be required to do before we sit back?

[kells76]

At this point, I wouldn't talk to mom about it at all.  I would consult with a lawyer to see if this is enough to get tiebreaker status for education purposes.

Yeah, that's the consensus, and our experience as well. She doesn't do well with that kind of information.

Maybe the L could also give feedback on "does DH have to do anything legally once he has unexpectedly received this info"... but it would be an expensive answer 

[CoherentMoose]

We're in a similar situation and I've come to the conclusion we have to sit back and wait for the situation to blow up.  We are putting pieces in place for legal action, but do not plan to execute at this time.  Instead, we focus on our relationship with the children and working on ourselves becoming better parents.  My fiancé is hurting watching the unnecessary challenges her children face, but is starting to understand there is nothing she can say or do to change her xBPDH behaviors, and in fact, pretty much anything she tries makes matters worse for the children. 

I agree with this:

At this point, I wouldn't talk to mom about it at all.

You have a great relationship with your SDs.  That is amazing.  I'm hoping to get there someday with my step-children.  Keep that connection strong and helpful.  With a BPD, there will come a day when additional options will open up for you and your DH.  Good luck.  CoMo

[Notwendy]

I think it depends on the location, but in my area the school reports too many absences and tardies to social services. I assume truancy would get their attention too.

[formflier]

1.  Check your emails to see if you "can document" that you are not onboard?  (don't fix it yet, just check).

2.  Ask L if this is enough.  (I'm not so sure it will be that expensive).

3.  I would ask school a process question.  Just straight up ask them what is going to happen.

Based on school response, you may want to follow up.

You are right to make sure that you guys have done what is reasonable in the eyes of the court with this information.

So..maybe 2 questions for L.

1.  Is this enough.
2.  Based on what we have done/said so far, will a court see us as reasonable?

Best,

FF

[kells76]

I think I'm going to spin off the legal question into a new thread.