Oh yes. My GF absolutely hates that I have female friends. She's been piling on rules over time... some examples:
- I'm not to enter a woman's apartment or house, even with a group.
- I'm not to chat with or meet female friends unless "strictly necessary", and there should be at least a third person present.
- I must never mention a relationship problem or talk about my GF to a female friend.
- I'm not allowed to travel or stay somewhere overnight with a mixed group of friends, unless she's there to monitor that women don't get too friendly with me. The catch is... she won't go, because she's not interested in the kind of trip my friends do. She says after we get married she'll definitely join, because as a married couple it would be expected for her to go with me (?), but this doesn't apply while we're just dating.
- I am to cut contact with my ex (we were friends), and delete / throw out all my personal photos that have an ex or a place where I went together with an ex. When she visited my country, she spent most of the trip upset because a picture with my ex in it came up while my mom was flipping through an old photo album.
- If we have kids, they're not allowed to meet my dad's wife, because she chose to stay Facebook friends with my ex. She's relaxed that rule a bit since - now my GF won't go to my dad's place or talk to his wife, but she says if we have kids I can introduce them.
- I can't bring my GF to any restaurant or place where I went on a date with someone before.
These are just the general rules. This year has been hell because of one specific friend. It's a long story...
In December, my GF had a look at the notes on my old computer while my back was turned, and saw a draft of a message I sent 3 years ago to a female friend, where I mentioned dating. I explained that we briefly tried dating, but then decided to stay just friends (which is true - never kissed, etc.) She went nuclear: she can't believe I would stay friends with her while I'm committed to my GF, this is cheating, I'm a liar, etc. I told her I'm not going to cut contact with my friend, I've known and trusted her for more than a decade, she even helped me get into university.
In January, I chatted with my friend, who told me she was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My GF asked if I was still chatting with her, and I said yes, a couple times per month, which triggered more fights. She started asking for my phone so she could check my message history. I pushed back. I knew it would just lead to more controlling behaviour, and I found it rude to my friend who confided a private medical problem.
In February, my GF started accusing me of bringing my phone to the bathroom to chat with my friend, or calling her in secret while I'm on business trips. Eventually in March she blew up, she demanded to see my chat history or she'd leave. And I mean BLEW UP. She hurled and destroyed a bowl full of food I cooked, spilled water around electronics, slapped me, said that I was disgusting, that she hated me, etc. I was trying to keep her out of the kitchen because I was afraid she'd break more stuff. She was trying to wrestle her way back in, hitting me, screaming, then threatening to leave (at 2AM, in the middle of a storm, during COVID lockout - we live together). I had never seen someone so enraged in my life, it was terrifying. I remember keeping my back to the knife drawer. I couldn't believe this was real and not a movie.
I let her have her way, unfortunately. She read my history, admitted my messages were fine, but said my friend was a dangerous, messed up person, because... she replied to a picture I sent of my new office with a sticker of a rabbit with heart eyes (and hearts = love), and she joked about her cancer surgery, saying "it went much better than I expected, the shape didn't change, you'll see next time I wear a swimsuit!" - which to my GF proves that 1) I must have seen my friend naked before and 2) she's trying to "steal" me. My GF made me send her a rude message telling her off for being so inappropriate, then made me promise to show her as soon as I get a reply.
I discretely called my friend the next day and explained the situation. Then I didn't talk to her for a couple months, I was worn out of fighting with my GF and didn't want to lie either. Eventually I got worried and pinged her, and learned that things had worsened and she was in the hospital for a couple days. I decided that a friend who might die is more important than my GF's jealousy and that I'd go meet her once she feels better.
The fighting, oh boy... it was hell, for weeks. My GF understood that I was going no matter what, but she wasn't about to go down without a fight. She argued about everything: what clothes I can wear, what topics I'm allowed to talk about, I can't take photos or touch my friend, can't offer her the meal. She made me rehearse a speech I had to say, in short: "my GF only allowed me to meet you because you have cancer and she has experienced cancer in her family, this will be the last time we meet." The little get-well-soon gift had to come from my GF and I was to mention that clearly.
Even just shaving triggered a fight, because I had shaved the previous day, and I rarely shave two days in a row, so she concluded I was trying to look sharp to impress my friend. She also kept me up very late, kicked me in my sleep, pinched my nose to wake me up, so I was very sleep deprived the day I went to meet my friend.
While I was seeing my friend (lunch + coffee), my GF messaged me a constant stream of abuse. Stuff like "how are you enjoying your date?", "don't forget to tell her why I allowed you to go", stuff like that. I went to the bathroom at some point and had 47 notifications, a lot of her deleting her own messages. She explicitly told me she was trying to hurt me as a revenge for hurting her. I'm not sure why she was deleting her messages just after I read them... Out of shame? To confuse me?
After I came back home I got the interrogation, of course. What did my friend talk about, how did she react to the gift, what intonation did she use, what was her face when I told her we would never meet again (I didn't). Then more fights over the following days.
My GF says she hates my friend, and that she deserves to suffer and die from her disease for what she did. She says things were perfect between us until she came in the picture. I guess the massive fights we were having about my ex or about marriage don't count!
Anyway, sorry for the long story. I'm glad I was honest with my GF about meeting my friend, because it means I saw this really nasty side of her before agreeing to get married. I can't stay in this relationship.
All this to say, yes, I can relate
