Testing or pacifying?

[Carguy]

Hey group!

So my ex and I have been apart since last November and haven't talked in months. Yesterday I ran into Wal-Mart where she works to grab a few things and she was running the self checkout I always go through. I walked over and asked her if I could apologize to her. She said "Not while I'm at work." I told her okay and that I just wanted to apologize for some of my past stuff that I am learning through therapy affected our relationship and I feel bad it hurt her. She said she would have to text me. I told her to let me know when she was ready. She said okay.

She still has not text me and I'm thinking this is one of two things. It's either a test to see if I will do the same thing I've done in the past where if I didn't hear from her I would message her and ask what she decided anywhere from a few days to a week later. Either that or she said that just to get rid of me.

A few things I did notice though. A couple of months ago when I told her that if she ever wanted to talk to let me know she quickly said "No I'm good!" three times in a row before I even got the full question out.

In March I had her remove her vehicles for my property and ask her about the kitties my mama cat had that I said she could have. She told me I would have to keep them. I was never sure if this meant until she could take them or if I was taking ownership back on them. After I mentioned talking it was about a week or so later I told her if she ever wanted her kitties to let me know and she almost yelled very angry like and said "I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT THEM!"

This time when I asked about apologizing she didn't come off angry or upset (Possibly surprised or annoyed though) so that's Improvement. She also didn't say no I'm good or cut me off and flat out tell me no. I was also surprised when she said she would have to text me because I thought she would have deleted my number by now.

I did notice that she posted a meme about dating guys with healthy masculinity that allows a woman to be feminine instead of dating toxic masculine that makes them bitter and angry and always on defense. She may be viewing me this way so I'm not sure if I will hear from her or not. I also think she might be dating another guy right now.

I think at this point though the best thing I can do is the opposite of what I would do in the past. Go back to staying away from Walmart and only going in every couple of weeks to shop and not say anything more to her so she can have her space to decide if she wants to hear me out. If I see her when I go in just say hi and that's it. Not engage in conversation or anything until she decides what she wants. That way I am respecting her and myself. I am showing that I have grown and changed and have been working on myself and not the same needy codependent person I was.

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[legalboxers]

Dear Carguy:
I can relate to part of your plight. I did not talk to mine for a week but she said she wanted to give me another chance but snapped at me. A few days later she gave me another chance, but only to keep on getting mad at me and ending it thoroughly a few weeks ago. I tried to message her but she had someone threaten me in a voice mail. So trust me. I feel your pain.

[Carguy]

Hey Legalboxer!

It truly is hard! It's been pointed out to me a few times on here that when they are angry like this that time and space will help us. I've been told that with time and space the anger they feel starts to decrease after awhile. It's hard for me to not want to reach out and keep reaching out but in the last ten months most of the time it has not helped. I've just been met with anger. In the past before things were this bad when I would reach out a lot of times it would help but now it just seems to keep her anger going. I went two months of no contact and out of her sight completely recently until I ran into her at a car show and she was walking around with another guy. She walked past me a few times intentionally trying to flaunt the guy I believe. I just ignored it. I think she was also probably trying to see if I was with somebody.

Like I said, she didn't seem as angry and didn't lash out at me like she did a couple of months ago. Her anger seems to have came down some. I still sense that she still views me negatively. If she is seeing another guy I likely will be viewed negative and him positive until things go wrong between them.

At this point I don't know if I could be in a relationship with her again but we have been friends for 15 years and dated for 4. I would like to still be able to salvage a friendship eventually out of this.

[legalboxers]

See with me, my relationship was for 5 months. I met mine on OKCupid. Everyday was a rollercoaster with her. It would be fights for days, and other days it would be okay. So I lived on the seat of my pants with this. I couldn't do much since I take care of my mom who is 85, so I spent 2 days with her while the other days I stayed home. I would be on the phone with her all night, and only time I really didnt talk much was when I was helping my mom or food shopping or dinner. I would text her during the day.

The breaking point was when my friend texts me telling me how her chemo was going (she has stage 4 breast cancer) and she was yelling at me "why you sending her hugs and kisses". My friend was my old hair stylist from when I was in HS. Shes a good friend of mine. Her mom died when we 1st met, she accused me of not being supportive, she accused me of what her ex husband did (he texted someone - or as he said a "Wrong Number" for 2 hours. Yet she married him. She told me he tried to divorce but filed in the wrong county. Since Im a paralegal I knew how to obtain the paperwork so I could help her what to do. Shes like "NO".

We connected on something stupid as a store that dont exist, to something over a stupid text message to someone who does not even exist in my life she gets bend out of shape on.

She made plans to be with me for my birthday. And for me, thats huge. My birthdays suck. Like I said I take care of my mom, she dont drive. So I buy my own meals, my own gifts, she wraps the gifts up, I have my meal and my cake and its over by 7:00pm.  I dont ask for alot, just was hoping she would give me some happiness. 

[Carguy]

Legalboxer,

I can relate to a lot if this. It is interesting how they all do such similar things.

With mine the first two years were wonderful with the occasional dysregulation. We moved in together and for the first several months it was wonderful and then it slowly went down hill. After she moved out it was break up and then get back together for the next two years. I did not understand until about a year ago what was going on and learned about borderline personality disorder.

Mine would get jealous over other female friends online even if they lived several states away and I have never met them. She told me several times that there must be someone else. I was not interested in anybody else while we were together.

I remember some of the things she would get angry at me over. In that moment and even now I still think they were odd reasons to get upset. I remember one time her kids were watching He-Man. I remember it from my childhood cause I always watched it. She asked me if Prince Adam was He-Man. I explained to her that he was Prince Adam until he did his thing to become He-Man. She kept saying so he is He Man? I kept telling her after he does his thing he is. She got angry at me telling me I was discrediting her. I'm thinking to myself "Are you serious? We are arguing over a children's cartoon?"

Another time we were talking about relationships and I told her I believe relationships take work from both people. She kept telling me that they shouldn't be work and that they should just come naturally. I was trying to explain my point of view and tell her that it being work doesn't mean a bad thing. You just have to be able to go have fun and enjoy each other. Be able to do things to express your love for each other. She got angry at me over that because again she felt like I was discrediting her.

Things like this confused me until I found out about this disorder. I'd never heard about it up until this point.

I also can't relate to you with the birthday thing. The last several birthdays I have spent alone. For the last 3 birthdays we have been apart and she doesn't even wish me a happy birthday through a text or anything. The birthday before that she was upset at me and it wasn't until 2:30 in the afternoon that she finally text me and wish me happy birthday. Then she didn't even bother to come over to my house or spend any time with me. We were together and yet I spent my birthday alone. When I brought it up to her it was my fault because I didn't tell her I want to spend time with her on my birthday. Seriously? When you are together with someone you make sure you are with them on their birthday!

It does hurt but I am learning to let that hurt go and realize that it wasn't about me. I am learning with borderlines that the non needs to not take it personally and realize it's not about them. It's the disorder coming out. It is hard to not take it personally though but knowing what is truly going on helps a lot!

[legalboxers]

Carguy: Mine is gone. She changed her relationship status so Im not even going to hold my breathe on this one. This battle I lost, I just need to figure out how to patch myself up and keep moving since Im fighting other battles here. And those other battles require my attention more than the small battles. I wish I knew these warning signs. I come here as a support group pretty much and to read on the warning signs and what to watch out for next. It just sucks. I banked so much into it