Now it’s on me.

[Goosey]

Ok I posted a lot.
Divorcing a probably pwBPD.
22 year marriage.
 Unfortunately have all the same intense disturbing stories I read in others posts all the time.
 Situation now is in that faze where she is “preoccupied” so no ongoing drama.
  I feel for everyone who posts about their situation.
It’s so frantic and raw and crazy and fast and intense and then boom they do exactly what the documentation shows. They hook into the next.  
  It’s really stunning.
   So there maybe is a window that my divorce can just get done without anymore violence. I really don’t care that much anymore and never expect a good turnout.
  But I guess the reason I’m posting is to say to all those in the apex of drama,The insane cyclone of insanity, do what you have to do to survive even though it feels awful (like my filing for divorce), i don’t think it makes a damn bit of difference what we do it’s just gonna play out just like a textbook.
That’s was the real eye opener for me to view this site, It’s documented. This is a real condition. At the same time that is comforting in a twisted way. I forgive her and forgive me.
  Now I have to kick myself in the butt. I survived the insanity I can fake it till maybe I realize how to feel like a person again.  
  

[FindingMe2011]

It’s documented. This is a real condition.

The realization that such a severe illness could exist in a normal looking person. I was here once upon a time. Then I started seeing the puzzle pieces make sense.

At the same time that is comforting in a twisted way.

22 years is a long time to not be validated. Its not twisted, its needed especially now.

Situation now is in that faze where she is “preoccupied” so no ongoing drama.

You will most likely be painted black for a while, unless she has problems with attachments. The recycle attempts would most likely occur. Think about how you would approach this situation and what you might say. This way if/when this should happen you would be somewhat prepared. With pending divorce I find it hard, that you would not have this happen at some point.

I forgive her and forgive me.

I learned to accept her for who she was...I forgave myself for believing she was someone else. I wanted something so bad, I was willing to lie to myself. Didnt work out so well.

Now I have to kick myself in the butt. 

Hopefully this means-
Maybe a time to be a little more understanding towards yourself.

I survived the insanity I can fake it till maybe I realize how to feel like a person again. 

This will take a while and probably wont be as calm as possible, until after the divorce. You will get back to your old self and hopefully a better version of your old self, will emerge. I wish you well Peace

[Crispy Waffle]

Goosey, you and I are on parallel paths. I'm coming up on my 23rd anniversary and I'm in virtually the same boat.

FindingMe is spot-on, and I find that he offers up some of the most sober advice and assessments here. Don't beat yourself up; you've had more than enough of that for several lifetimes at the hands of your spouse. Yeah, kick yourself in the butt to keep moving forward and not get stuck. Do the work on yourself and not only will you make yourself a better person, you'll find it cathartic, it will empower you, and you will grow from it.

I saw my sister-in-law today and she had avoided me when I reached out to her a few weeks ago, I believe because of her sister (my wife). I apologized to her for not being as nice to her as I should have at times over the years. And I thanked her for the help she has given my mom, who is not the most pleasant person. I told her this was part of my personal work and journey, and she immediately related, having gotten sober herself a year or two ago and going through the AA 12-step program. We talked about how we both recognized that we wanted to be different than the traits of our parents that contributed to our woes. We hugged, she told me I would always be part of her family, and that she was very happy to hear that I was on my own personal journey. And she noted that her sister has to do her own work.

Doing this is making me feel human again after having felt completely devalued and dehumanized in the past few months, and really over many years, but in a very insidious way that I didn't fully recognize. I even put my wife on notice earlier this week with some boundary violations, but at the end of the message I told her that I was giving myself the freedom to love her for who she was at her core, while also freeing myself from the hate and anger I had for her damaging behavior. I still have those intense feelings at time, but I know that I can ultimately be in control of how I feel. It was liberating.

 Hold yourself accountable, but treat yourself kindly. Love yourself. You deserve it. We all do.