It's like a marriage merry-go-round of hell

[TableAndChairs]

My wife clearly has BPD, though her psychiatrist has not yet diagnosed her. I accept that I am her trigger, but I cannot live like this anymore. The hurt she's caused me, both physically and mentally has made me lose any romantic feelings I had for her. I don't love her, though I do care about her wellbeing. Her behaviour has been having a terrible effect on our three children, and I want to leave with the children, so that they don't end up the same way when they are adults. I actually feel like a prisoner. Whenever I plan to leave, or state my intentions to leave, she attacks me, breaks my possessions, self-harms, and then blames it all on me. I am also stuck in more ways than one. I live in a country (my wife's home country) where I have no help, and no rights to my kids as a foreigner. Even if I move out and relocate here, my spouse visa ends soon, and I will not be eligible to renew if I am separated. I feel like I'm locked in a small cage, and constantly pelted with rocks. I dread every interaction with my wife. I know she has a problem, but I can't live by her rules any more.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EyesUp]

I can relate to a lot of what you're experiencing, even without the visa issues.

Feeling trapped is a common element in these relationships.

If I may ask a question:  What does she want?  Can she articulate?  Do you believe her?

You mentioned that she's receiving some type of treatment - is it productive?  How recently did this start?

[legalboxers]

was like that for 5 months. Felt like 55 yrs.

[TableAndChairs]

She wants me to stay, and that's all I know. She keeps on switching between regretting what she's done, to blaming me for it. If I ask her how it was my fault, she cannot give me a single reason. She had a long running affair with a coworker, and that just changed everything for me. I cannot live with her lies, and mistreatment of me. I just can't make sense of how she treated me for 6 years, all whilst she was sleeping with someone else, while I was working and trying to better our future for the kids.This has been going on since before we got married 10 years ago - I just never even realised. I was blinded by what seemed like love, but now I know it was just my loneliness, and a low self esteem.

She only recently started her treatment. She is taking antipsychotics.

[Diddle]

Hey, I could have written everything you have myself.
I feel the same feelings as you, although I don't have the issues with location, I feel extremely trapped, as I don't earn enough money to support myself or my 3 children.
I have found a huge amount of strength from this site, opening my eyes to the fact that I am not alone in this.
I too don't want my children growing up on the receiving end of what is going on, or to see me tolerating it. I understand it is a mental illness, but it has certainly changed me as a person after living alongside it for 19 years.
My H has been diagnosed very recently and is starting treatment that I hope brings some calmness to his life. But I am also making sure that I am making life a I am happy with myself, as nothing I choose pleases him, so I may as well do what makes me happy too.
I am gaining as much information and independence socially and financially as I can, ready for what I consider to be the inevitable breakup. I wish I could be more positive about it, but right now I feel like he has stolen this years from me.

You need to decide what you want from your own life, and knowledge is power. Your situation could improve, but there is no harm knowing your rights, and what options you do have.

[legalboxers]

update on mine. She claimed I was TRASH and found something better without even looking. I dont even know what to think on this

[TableAndChairs]

So on Sunday, I reiterated my plan to her that I was leaving, and I would co-parent our kids. She broke down and suddenly started drinking, and then smashed my belongings, attacked me and self-harmed. I called an ambulance, and the police also came and took statements. After they left, she attacked me again. The next day she said she couldn't remember what happened...

Yesterday morning, I had a serious and sudden panic attack, and almost collapsed. This has only ever happened once before. I then found out when I got to work that I had an elevated temperature and had to come home. My temperature returned to normal, and I think it was elevated due to my anxiety and stress.

She was able to have a more civilised conversation with me last night, perhaps her medication is starting to work, and she can see the effect all of this is having on me, I don't know... The conversation was still just her regretting, and wanting things to return, but she didn't pass the blame onto me. We came to an agreement that I will move out for a month, that she will never drink again, and that she will continue with the medication and therapy.

I will contact a lawyer today to make sure that this is not a bad move. I hope that with me not there, she can learn that things can work out when I leave permanently.

@legalboxers, are you married?

[legalboxers]

@legalboxers, are you married?
[/quote]

@tablesandchairs no. I was engaged in 2004.. and engaged to the last one. I think I rushed into it. But I thought with these times, you dont know when its going to be your last with this covid crap going on, I had bosses  (I was a volly police officer for 15 yrs) who died from covid, and my mom being 85, I wanted to try and get a family. But she was still married, didnt get a divorce,I was trying to help with the paperwork, she was combative with me about it. So I dont know what to feel if the past 5 months was just a joke..

[TableAndChairs]

I rushed into it too, and here I am 10 years later regretting it. We slept together the second time we met, and then she told me her desire to have children with me, less than a week after meeting. I was shocked, but I stupidly went with it. I made plans as to how it would work out financially.  We were married less than a year after meeting. It was too fast. Had I perhaps waited a year to get to know her better, I never would have made the jump.

[legalboxers]

@TableAndChairs: She couldn't have kids, at my age, I was okay with that. What gets me is how I did everything for this woman. Made multiple trips to her house to feed her cats 4x the day I was with her. Not to mention pay for the food, and the hotel. I was there for Monday and Tuesday (She wanted to watch 90 day fiancee all the time) since I had to take care of my mom. My mom is 85, I needed to be home to help her. She accused me of talking down to her.  Which I never did, she said I treated her "badly" which I didnt. But its not fair that its only one sided. I dont know what to feel. Did I waste 5 months of my life on someone who I thought loved me, I dont know what I did wrong here.

My question is, how can I erase my mind and past routine of the past 5 months ? Im beyond at a loss..

[legalboxers]

@TableAndChairs: I took her food shopping, I did practically everything, stayed on the phone with her at all times of the night so she dont have nightmares of her mom. I wasnt there with her physically, I did all I could I am just aggravated at this point in my life.