Seeking Understanding for Estranging from Adult Daughter with BPD

[Soul.Heart]

Greetings!

My husband and I have a 35 year old daughter with BPD and recently made the heart-breaking decision to estrange...again. We have a good life in every other sense, but the verbal attacks and drug abuse our daughter engages is is extremely painful and only getting worse.  After re-reading "When An Adult Child Breaks Your Heart" we decided we had to make this change in order to protect our emotional, physical, mental and spiritual health.

Since we are brand new to this message board, we would deeply appreciate anything you feel moved to share regarding estrangement. Our situation not only involves our daughter, but our two grandchildren as well. We have gotten therapy in the past but it's been a couple of years so we are reaching out to others who can relate.

Many thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Greetings to you Soul.Heart and welcome

While I am not estranged from my DD (no GC), I do understand, we have many parent friends in similar situations, you are not alone. I also understand you are setting firm and loving boundaries is the right thing to do, that's what we practice here, with support.

It helps to share about our children's struggles, for parents to support, you mention addiction. BPD is more than often co-morbid, BP, ASD, Narcissistic traits.. ... my 32 has recently told me she's always struggled retaining her school learning, well any learning, disappears from her mind, immediately, all lost. That's from a A grader, who accomplished her degree.

How is your daughter's life? Is she working, has friends? Keeping it going? Does she acknowledge her struggles with you, from time to time?

This is not your first rodeo, I'm glad you've joined for support.

WDx

[Huat]

Hello Soul.Heart...

...I will join Wendydarling in welcoming you here.

We are estranged from our daughter.  This current period is now into its 4th year...some have been longer...some shorter.  All have been instigated by her but recent developments have made us see the need to keep our distance.  We are advanced in age and her rages give us concern of possible abuse.  Actually it is me, her Mom, who is her always-target.  I am better at standing up to her belittling but every now and then one of the barbs hits a nerve.   In her last email rage she wrote that her father, my husband of almost 58 years, is only staying with me because he is honouring his wedding vows.  Ouch, huh?

Being estranged from one's child is not natural.  We, as their parents, are programmed to be their nurturers...their teachers...their beacons in the storms.  To have them tell us otherwise can be heart-wrenching.

To read that you and your husband have "made the heart-breaking decision to estrange...again"...leads me to believe that this has been a rough ride for you, too.  I am sure much discussion and many tears have fallen beforehand.

While I am on this website because of our ubpd daughter and her behaviours, we have weathered through our son's drug abuse.  A few short years ago we almost lost him...were told he might not make it through the night... but thankfully the bottom he hit gave us a small window-of-opportunity to get him help that he accepted.  He is still in recovery and while all seems to be on track...always the fear that there could be a relapse.  Sometimes you have to play hard ball with an addict...and seems that is what you are doing now.  My heart goes out to you!

All of our stories are different so giving any kind of advice is a dicey thing to do.  What all of us need, though, is the feeling of support as we make the moves we feel are necessary for us to go forward.  You will find that here...and sharing your experience is so important because it will resonate with someone else who is facing similar circumstances...needs to hear that they are not alone.

I've done a lot of reading but don't think I have read "When a Child Breaks Your Heart."  I'm going to look that one up...but then I wonder...could I have written that book?   ; )

Once again, welcome.  Here is to better days...for all of us.

Huat

[Pomsie]

Hi Soul Heart,
My 33 yo daughter hasn't completely estranged from me over the years, but always keep a far distance and control of every attempt to have a relationship with each other. She has done this for 14 years. She will call occasionally, but will not come visit. Doesn't mind if I go see her but wont drive the 1/2 hour drive to me. After almost 15 years of this horrible pain, I decided to stop this insanity go round. I told her that I have been trying to have a good relationship with her for 14 years, that she puts up walls at every attempt, and she seems to enjoy watching me suffer for it. I finally asked her WHAT was the reason? She has always acted as if I did something horrible to her when she was younger. I told her that I had enough and was giving up that I wasn't going to play the game anymore. It is too painful and I want peace back in my life. Well...she certainly didnt want that! So she told me a couple things she said really upset her when she was a teen. One incident was a day that we had a calm talk about her being a bit more assertive. Thats it. She thought I was being horrible to her! She said there are a few other things but wont say what they are. And for this I am punished for 14 years, and about 8 years ago, she got pregnant and gave up my beautiful granddaughter to adoption without telling anyone. Later she said she made a mistake and didn't know what she was doing. But it was a long, detailed and very well calculated decision she made. She lied to the adoptive parents and the agency. Why do they do these things? So I still do not know what horrid things I did to her to put me through hell for 14 years, but in her head, it must be monumental. Mind you, I raised her with love, kindness, did not yell at her, berate her, always let her talk, never hit her and made sure she was safe and happy. So God only knows what it is I did to deserve what I have been put through. But I have had enough. She seems angry that I said I am stepping OUT of this game with her. When Covid clears I am going to Europe for 6 months. I might be doing a geographical, but I have had enough. When someone says I am breaking off communications, I think the best thing to do, is to say “fine”, and then go find some happiness. Don't make them the center of your happiness. Like looking in a broken mirror for your image. I am so sorry and  I know how horribly it hurts. But I am not going to waste any more of my life playing these games. Im out, unless she makes the effort. Hugs and peace, Diana