Help I'm being held hostage.

[Nyena]

I really need help and support right now. Recently my aunt brought a book ”Walking on eggshells” to my families attention and it hit a little too close to home.  My mom is the BP in our family and it's tearing us apart she screams abuses at us and then sleeps and won't eat for days on end and has recently survived her third suicide attempt the last one was complete with note. Is there any hope? I don't see this getting better I just see it ending. We used to be super close but now she just blames me for everything and uses my name as a synonym for ”being a drain” she has been hospitalized once already for an overdose of Klonopin but has threatened to divorce dad and kill herself she begs us to let her go we've tried everything she has the best therapist in the world who called her without an appointment on the 4th of July from out of state but my mom refused to talk to her. We are to the point where we are scared if she wakes up. Dad can't sleep in his own bed because she has all the blankets and doesn't want to wake her up. Where do we go? Will it be like this forever?  I don't know how much more I can take. I pretty much live with my mom there is always something going on and I need to be at her house to help. We see the same therapist who is amazing and a trauma specialist so she knows both sides of the coin.  I just feel like we've done all we can. Her safety plan was to take a break from work and do therapy and garden but she keeps getting dragged back to work. She has mentioned day programs but she always flip flops on her willingness to go and says that DBT is a joke and won't do it. We don't know how to help her anymore. Every night I'm terrified of not knowing what mood she is going to wake up in. How do I get her to try new therapies?  She says she's tried it all. I know this doesn't exist but I just want someone to say ”Follow steps 1-5 and she will be happy and normal again” because I'm lost and that doesn't seem possible. I'm only 21 I shouldn't have to go check on my mom to see if she's still breathing or if she's finally OD I don't know how much more I can take. My brother and my sister have already run away and I want to stay but I don't think I'm far behind. Her episodes come in waves some days she will be fine and the next day she's screaming at us and drugging herself into a stupor. I live in a college town so I decided to move out and start school again and to get away from the crazy but because it's a college town I'm only 20 minutes away  which is good and bad because I love my parents but I keep getting dragged back into the crazy. My dad self harms and blames himself for everything my mom does and believes all of her threats and abuse. Because of his self harm I don't feel that I can leave him alone when she is going off to get away from it. I tried that for a week I stayed at my apartment and only saw my parents once for lunch but then it all went FUBAR  it was so FUBAR he stabbed himself with scissors and hit himself so badly that he had spots in his vision. I feel like it's my fault for not being there I could have stopped him because I wasn't there I didn't know to "rally the troops" When this goes down I text our therapist and call in my dad's best friend who is 300 pounds and ask him to come over so he can stop my dad from hurting himself (I'm 4 foot nothing)  I had to stop and leave everything at my desk at work to come assemble everyone and am spending the night so I can go pickup some of the work she can't do in the morning (We own a family business) and babysit my dad. On top of all of this I have my homework and two jobs and the icing on the cake is that my grandma was just diagnosed with cancer (My moms mom) and her dad already has parkinsons and will we will probably lose them both in a year or God willing two. Because of that I lost my support person too (my aunt) because I don't want to dump on her when she is dealing with her moms cancer on the front lines in the same house with her.  Her psychiatrist has recommend some intense day programs but our therapist is against it. I feel like I'm being held hostage and don't know where to turn. My siblings have all moved so far away that they can't come back when it all goes crazy. My brother moved all the way to London across the ocean from us and my sister moved three hours away. I just can't stay away it's like an abusive relationship but I just keep coming back. Everyone tells me that it's not my responsibility and that I need to let my dad take care of it and that it's not my responsibility to watch out for my dad but look what happened when I left for a few days. What do I do I'm trapped.  

[gotbushels]

Nyena  

Welcome.

On top of all of this I have my homework and two jobs and the icing on the cake is that my grandma was just diagnosed with cancer (My moms mom) and her dad already has parkinsons and will we will probably lose them both in a year or God willing two.

That's a lot of responsibilities. I know what it's like to feel overwhelmed by these. You're not alone - a lot of us here have these kinds things in our life and a pwBPD to manage on top of all that. Not a cake I'd like to eat.

I just feel like we've done all we can.

I get what you mean—when you feel you've done all you can.

Caregivers of BPD's have a job—that's to know my values and beliefs, and to behave in a way that is consistent with those values and beliefs. While we may want a person to behave in a certain way, and we can do things to influence their behaviour—ultimately, the choice on how to behave is up to them.

I pretty much live with my mom there is always something going on and I need to be at her house to help.

Can you embellish more on why you feel a need to be there?

I hope you'll share more.

[Methuen]

Hi Nyena,

That's a lot to juggle, and still have a life.  Not many people the responsibility you are shouldering right now.

I'm glad to hear you have a T, an aunt who "gets it" (she bought you the Eggshell book), and a college education you are working on.

I pretty much live with my mom there is always something going on and I need to be at her house to help.

You mention your siblings have moved away.  Your mom and dad are adults right?  As adults, they get to make their own choices even if you think they are bad ones.  It's not possible to stop another person from making poor choices (including hurting themselves) unless you chain them down (illegal), or report them to emergency services (if they are at risk of hurting themselves or others), which is only a temporary fix, and doesn't solve the real problem, so then it repeats itself.  It sounds like your mom has tried different therapies (eg DBT) and is now refusing them.  Those are HER choices.  There is nothing you can do to fix or help someone with mental illness who refuses services, and keeps making poor decisions.  It is NOT your fault.  I think it is typical to feel like it is your fault.  You hear everyone around you telling you it is not your fault, and yet you still feel like it is.  Why do you think this is? 

Think of this as the beginning phase of your healing journey.  At the end of the journey, those feelings of "it being your fault" will be gone, and you will be able to think more clearly and rationally.  You will also be able to acknowledge it is NOT your fault.  That comes as the journey progresses, but first you must start the journey towards that goal, so that you can live your life without feeling trapped.  Do you want to let go of those feelings?

I had to stop and leave everything at my desk at work to come assemble everyone and am spending the night so I can go pickup some of the work she can't do in the morning (We own a family business) and babysit my dad.

Wow.

So imagine this:  Jane is 16 and stealing.  Everytime she gets caught, and ends up at the police station, her parents "take care of things", and Jane gets to go home.  Then she steals again, and the cycle repeats itself.  Dozens or hundreds of times.  Are Jane's parents being effective at helping Jane with her problem?  Why not?

See where I'm going with this?

It might feel different because it's your parents, and mental illness and drugs are involved.  But your mom's therapist hasn't been able to solve the problem.  I'm guessing many people over the years have tried to "help" or solve their problems for them.  But nothing has worked.  So why is it your fault?  They are your parents.  As such, it is their job to be responsible for you, not the other way around. 

The feelings of guilt are torture.  For now you may have to be ok with feeling those feelings, until you are further into your healing journey from these unhealthy relationships.  Then those feelings will get weaker, until they are gone.

I feel like I'm being held hostage and don't know where to turn.

You feel trapped.  So what can YOU do or change about how you react to this stuff, to start feeling more autonomy in your life?

Again I'm glad you have a T, and an aunt who gets it.  You say you don't want to trouble your aunt, but if she reached out to you by giving you this book, I think talking to her about the book would be a good place to start.  She reached out to help you, so it's ok to reply back about the book.  Just pick your moments.  Make sure she's having a good day.  Maybe have a plan before you talk to her so the "dam doesn't burst" during the conversation.

Everyone tells me that it's not my responsibility and that I need to let my dad take care of it and that it's not my responsibility to watch out for my dad but look what happened when I left for a few days.

I have learned that I have to let my mom experience her own consequences, even if it "pains" me.  I'll bet a lot of people around your family business see what's going on, and say "why does Nyena keep bailing them out"? 

The problems for you will never end. You must let go of trying to manage or control their situation, and let them figure it out.

If you try to "help" or "control" the situation, it will keep escalating, and wear you into the ground.  Do you think you could feel trapped, because they keep making the mistakes, and you keep fixing them?  Perhaps it is time to consider accepting that THEY are responsible for THEIR own choices, not you.

Therapists and doctors haven't been able to help your mom right?

So how can you help YOURSELF right now?

[wantmorepeace]

Does it help to know that reading your post helped me?  I relate so much to your feelings, but since it is you and not me, I can tell you that it's not your fault, that you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.  And saying that to you makes me realize that I need to be telling that to myself.  It is horrible to think that somebody you love may never escape the pain they're in.  I have had a hard time accepting that.  But, that is no reason your pain shouldn't lessen.  You deserve happiness.  (So does your mom but that is on her.)  And the only way that you can be happy is to take care of yourself.  And you letting yourself be dragged down will not help your mom.  No way!