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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: I got out  (Read 217 times)
GettingMarried

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: August 30, 2020, 02:11:18 PM »

It took a couple of years but I'm getting out. It took moving to the next state over but at least I'm safe here. She got worse and worse, more violent, more intense, more emotional until staying in the same house became utterly unbearable. Bizarrely, she can't seem to reconcile the idea that her behavior was what drove me away and instead focuses on obsessive paranoid ideation about me cheating when I never did (or even came close to it).

I learned some hard lessons about myself in the process. I learned that my ego was fragile which made me an ideal target. I learned that I am not as skeptical about people as I should be. I learned that I had an unfortunate desire to "fit in" with people's expectations (and my own) about what adult married life looks like. I learned that it is possible to push me to a breaking point of frustration where I will yell back, even though I never had with another partner in decades of monogamy.

I also learned how to cope. I learned to stay quiet in the morning and carefully listen for what kind of person I'd be dealing with that day. I learned that when she was mad at someone else, that I'd be safe (she seemed to select one perceived enemy at a time). I learned to lock myself in a room and hide when the rages started. I learned to focus on the potential for a positive future and to put my energy toward building that instead of into the constant battles.

The divorce hasn't been initiated yet but the house is sold and there aren't kids to worry about. The only safe way to leave was to leave open the possibility of reconciliation. And I could do so somewhat honestly because had she miraculously turned some magical corner and become calm, rational, and grounded, I would have considered rebuilding the relationship. But the inverse was true - she became completely unhinged as one might expect.

In all of the mess, somehow she seems to imagine that the years of blow ups can just be swept under the rug and that I would want to be with a partner who is unnervingly unstable and relentlessly on the attack. I guess when you grow up in a household where that happens, it becomes your model.

I'll always feel sad that she lives with this burden and I'll always look differently at the people around me who present as normal, knowing that they may just be wearing a mask. I'm terrified to initiate divorce proceedings but at least I'm doing so from a distance.   

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FindingMe2011
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2020, 09:45:00 AM »

what drove me away and instead focuses on obsessive paranoid ideation about me cheating when I never did (or even came close to it).


Had I understood cryptic speak back then, I would have known this was projection. My ex had to cast these ill feelings on me, so she didnt feel so bad about her emotional/physical cheating. Putting herself here is not good for the illness. Projection eases the pain.

I learned some hard lessons about myself in the process. I learned that my ego was fragile which made me an ideal target. I learned that I am not as skeptical about people as I should be. I learned that I had an unfortunate desire to "fit in" with people's expectations (and my own) about what adult married life looks like. I learned that it is possible to push me to a breaking point of frustration where I will yell back, even though I never had with another partner in decades of monogamy.

Very self aware, congrats, this will serve you well...You just found an illness that could rip off your bandages, from your own childhood trauma. We all have a breaking point, I also found mine.

And I could do so somewhat honestly because had she miraculously turned some magical corner and become calm, rational, and grounded,

No she changed her behavior because she hasnt made another attachment as of yet, give this time and she will. What you are witnessing is not what you think it is. It is temporary and all the other will surface when dis-regulated. People are truly seen in times of despair. Everyone knows how to smile when times are good, even most PDs.

knowing that they may just be wearing a mask.

We all have one to some extent. Yours helped you get here.

I'm terrified to initiate divorce proceedings but at least I'm doing so from a distance.   

The distance has her abandonment fears in high gears, so expect the unexpected. Divorce does appear to be the kind and forgiving thing to do, for both. Walking on egg shells (good book by the way, I recommend it) isnt living, its surviving. Surviving sucks. Awesome that children arent involved. I wish you well, Peace
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Lucky Jim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2020, 10:04:36 AM »

Hey GM, Good for you for getting out!  Like you, I did my best to make my marriage work, which involved pretending that things were OK when they were definitely not OK.  Who knew about BPD?  For a long time, I was swinging in the dark.  Yes, BPD forces one to learn some hard lessons, yet in my view going through the BPD crucible is what leads to greater happiness.  As Nietzsche said, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, which I find apt for a BPD r/s.  Time to move on, friend.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
GaGrl
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
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« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2020, 12:15:14 PM »

You might want to post on the Legal board. Many of us who post there have been through divorced that involved a person with BPD.

Do you have enough time in your new state to have residency and file there, or will you have to file in your previous state?
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