I need help- I BPD's "crazy-making" has actually made me crazy

[Depression = 72% of members]

Without going into too much details (too long, and not the focus of my post, also I'm really ashamed of my own behavior), I want to ask the board to help me.

Basically, uBPDh has many traits of BPD.  One of which is his rage and also black & white thinking, and also he is a master manipulator, whether he is doing it on purpose or not.  He knows exactly what kind of things he can say to my face which will tick me off, and sometimes when I'm calm enough I can just blow it off.

But he also does this when we're in an argument, when I'm already not level-headed.  Then I go crazy and do and say a lot of things I don't mean.  Basically, from any bystander's point of view, I'm the crazy one, definitely.  And I'm not sure I can deny that.  It takes two to play the game.  And then he can just retract and continue using subtle means of attack, or sometimes he doesn't even need that, I just burn myself down.  Whatever he did before, he is now cleared of it because of my stupid crazy behaviour, and I'm completely in the wrong.  I also have no ammo because of what I did.  I'm so, so stupid.

So question is, how can I keep this from happening again and again?  I mean it's happening less often now but still too much for anyone's liking.  Taking time-outs don't work, as he wouldn't let me take a time out, walk away or anything.  I could probably say I'm not in the right mind to respond, but let's face it, if I were in the right mind I wouldn't have exploded on him.  How to keep myself in track before I get to that crazy point, which was, frankly, what he wanted (or his BPD-ness wanted so I will take the blame for everything)?  I know he's not going to help me because he wants me to be mad.  So I have to help myself...

[Chosen]

Without going into too much details (too long, and not the focus of my post, also I'm really ashamed of my own behavior), I want to ask the board to help me.

Basically, uBPDh has many traits of BPD.  One of which is his rage and also black & white thinking, and also he is a master manipulator, whether he is doing it on purpose or not.  He knows exactly what kind of things he can say to my face which will tick me off, and sometimes when I'm calm enough I can just blow it off.

But he also does this when we're in an argument, when I'm already not level-headed.  Then I go crazy and do and say a lot of things I don't mean.  Basically, from any bystander's point of view, I'm the crazy one, definitely.  And I'm not sure I can deny that.  It takes two to play the game.  And then he can just retract and continue using subtle means of attack, or sometimes he doesn't even need that, I just burn myself down.  Whatever he did before, he is now cleared of it because of my stupid crazy behaviour, and I'm completely in the wrong.  I also have no ammo because of what I did.  I'm so, so stupid.

So question is, how can I keep this from happening again and again?  I mean it's happening less often now but still too much for anyone's liking.  Taking time-outs don't work, as he wouldn't let me take a time out, walk away or anything.  I could probably say I'm not in the right mind to respond, but let's face it, if I were in the right mind I wouldn't have exploded on him.  How to keep myself in track before I get to that crazy point, which was, frankly, what he wanted (or his BPD-ness wanted so I will take the blame for everything)?  I know he's not going to help me because he wants me to be mad.  So I have to help myself...

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[Ozzie101]

Hi Chosen!

This s something I’ve been working on for a while — I, too, have difficulty leaving arguments because he just follows.

Different things will work for different people and situations, of course, but for me, to keep my cool, it takes work and practice. And mindfulness.

My H once told me that he says things to trigger me on purpose sometimes just to get me angry. Knowing that has actually helped me keep my cool because I’m now well aware of what he’s doing.

For me, it’s about being in the moment and aware.

How am I feeling?
What is he really doing/saying?
Taking calming breaths.
Asking myself: Is what he’s saying really true/fair? (And if not, putting on my “armor” and reminding myself that he’s off base.) Would arguing back do any good?

As I said, it’s different for everyone. And I know how hard it can be to avoid getting triggered when every button is being pushed. But I’ve had some success with what I wrote above.

Looking back at your own arguments, are there patterns? Does he have certain go-tos? Is there a usual point when you feel yourself going off the rails?

[JaneWrites]

Hi Chosen!

How long have you known about the BPD? I'm asking because my husband knew exactly how to bait me into a rage. I still find him absolutely maddening for sure, but I don't get baited in the same ways because now I understand that it's part of the game of BPD. I had an epiphany like Ozzie101. Of course he's going to say those things! It's not logical! I'm certainly not as hopeful in general anymore, but I don't fall for the tactics either.

I do find that I get super frustrated and my fuse is shorter with the two kids. You get mad at who it's safe to get mad at. The three of us are that for each other and I don't like that cycle. Gotta figure out how to manage that - especially with a dysregulated, dysfunctional H in the house.

I guess I don't have much advice except realize that when it's so predictable, it's not a game you need to play anymore.

[Chosen]

Thanks Ozzie101 and JaneWrites.  I've known about this thing called BPD for 8 years, and to be honest, things have been better generally (although of course when it's bad, it's really bad... like he isn't just going to hate me a little or be a little mad at me).  This forum has been really, really helpful for me and I do think I'm less in the FOG than before.  But I do think that in order to stay with somebody like that, a lot of us nons have "problems" to begin with.  I guess for myself, I'm emotional enough as it is, with or without somebody ticking me off on purpose.  So when he's pushing my buttons... well, it doesn't take a lot to get me started.  And my problem is once I start, I spiral down.  It's ugly.  And I suppose I could keep blaming him for causing me to go out of control, but... ultimately, the fact is I did get out of control.  And I have to hold myself responsible for it.  Otherwise how different am I to a pwBPD?

He would say a lot of things to tick me off- like how I have no merits, no career, no nothing, nobody thinks I'm any good, I'm going to hell, I don't deserve him, he deserves so much better, I am only harming people around me... To be honest, super hurtful.  BUT.  A couple days ago I had some insight I didn't have before, which is that these are not complete untrue.  And that's why I was ticked off.  If it was completely ridiculous, like "you look like a man", then I could easily laugh it off.  But then these accusations aren't.  Ok, so I guess they're extreme and they're probably not 100% accurate, like: I'm probably not 100% bad (nobody is), but then I'm certainly not 100% good either.  And anyway, by losing control, I'm like a self-fulling prophecy, because I mean who wants to be with a crazy woman, crazy mum?  So the thing is, I gave him ammo to fire at me, in a way. 

Sometimes he would have completely ridiculous accusations, and that would be easier to stay level-headed and just wait for the storm to pass, not to argue against it.  But these half-truths get to me.  Also he would be extremely pushy and say "Am I wrong?  Are you not happy with what I'm saying?  What have you got to say?"  which kinds of leads me to think black and white too.  But life really isn't that simple.  And I have to remind myself of that. 

For now, I think I really need to replay those scenarios over and over in my head, however hard it may be.  I can continue to tell myself "just ignore what he says", "it's the BPD speaking", but that doesn't cut it.  I think because deep inside I know there's an ounce of truth to what he says.  I think I really need to face that shameful truth and accept that part of myself first before I can NOT react to his accusations. 

And yes, mindfulness is super helpful.  I need to keep practising it so that it becomes second nature to me.  Seems like I can only do it when I'm already calm, which is kind of pointless.

[JaneWrites]

My husband also likes to chose sensitive things that have a grain of truth OR THAT I COULD BE LED TO BELIEVE to upset me. I'm the only parent doing real parenting and he actually often works against my decisions creating greater confusion and conflict in the house, so "The children hate you" is a great one.

When I couldn't find a job, I was "stupid and a leech." One time he just would not stop accusing me of having an affair and was really really speaking filthy. I was JADEing because, you know, that's a logical response. Then I grabbed a pot and smashed it on the floor and from then on, I was "crazy violent."

Sigh. Interacting with a pwBPD sure does NOT bring out the best in us, but while there may be grains of truth in things (My children DO get annoyed when I get them off their screens), they are picking what we could believe or goading us into making it true.

In my case, I just don't value his opinion anymore at all. I just want him to not dysregulate. That's my inner workings. My outer workings are to try to be validating so that we don't get to his nasty opinions.   

He even says nasty things about me to the kids. He got angry at my D12 the other night for defending me. She asked me, "What do I do when he says those things?" I said, "Just let him. He's just angry and wants to say mean things, but they don't hurt me, so don't worry about it."

Maybe that wasn't the right response. I really don't know.

I understand you know you have things to work on (me too for sure!), but if you could separate what you identify with what your H is saying, it would probably be more helpful/healthy/productive/true.

[pursuingJoy]

Ok, so I guess they're extreme and they're probably not 100% accurate, like: I'm probably not 100% bad (nobody is), but then I'm certainly not 100% good either. 

I like that you feel confident in saying this. It's a very centered, realistic perspective. We all have stuff to work on.

That grain of truth thing is real! BPD's superpower is finding your weakness and exploiting it. Identify his patterns, like Ozzie said. Predict what he'll say. You've been through it enough,  you know the drill. Plan and practice your response. The moment you notice your heart is racing and you're upset, set the boundary early and step away. Practice phrases, like "It sounds like you're really upset about this and I really want to talk to you about it, but I'm tired/not in a good headspace/frame of mind. I'll need to pick this up tomorrow when I see you for lunch."

Find something that feels authentic. Practicing feels silly but it really helps in the heat of the moment.

Remember that sometimes the best response is none at all.

[start_again]

I can identify with all these accusations mentioned in this post.   It runs the gamut for, me no reason to repeat I have heard them all and some.  I was the king of defending myself and I finally realized, with the help from this site, support groups and friends, that the way I was responding was only hurting me. 
My friends let me know when I am off, what my SO says to me I hear but don’t listen.  Two days ago I was followed out of the house by my wife calling me names and accusing me of horrible things.  She is the only person I know who can wave and smile to the neighbors while she is berating me.  That takes some doing; I can barely tie my shoe and talk at the same time.  I laugh as I write this and laugh to my self during the turmoil, “not my circus not my monkeys” so no need to add to the fire.  JADE is the key and I have begun repeating JADE in head during the worst.  Practice, Practice and Practice. Friends, Friends and more Friends…
Great suggestions in this post  - Ozzie101, JaneWrites and pursuingJoy…
Sprinkle a little acceptance into the mix – acceptance is the key to all my problems….  What a relief for me to accept the situation the way it is, I can’t change or fix it I can only change how I respond.
If someone called me a chair I wouldn’t believe it so why should I believe what my SO calls me…

[Chosen]

Identify his patterns, like Ozzie said. Predict what he'll say. You've been through it enough,  you know the drill. Plan and practice your response. The moment you notice your heart is racing and you're upset, set the boundary early and step away.

Find something that feels authentic. Practicing feels silly but it really helps in the heat of the moment.

Remember that sometimes the best response is none at all.

Thanks for the reminder.  I really need to be reminded of this daily.  Some things he says get to me less (like the "you're going to hell" bit).  But like I said, I realise that I have been sweeping my feelings for some of his accusations under the rug.  Like I didn't think him saying "you have achieved nothing" would get to me, because I kind of agree I haven't achieved anything, but well... I don't like it when somebody else says it.  So I guess I do mind it, in a way, after all.  So I really need to have these scenarios in my mind, and also repeat his insults in my head until they don't shock me anymore. 

And yeah... that last line you said.  If only I could remember this, then I think 90% of our arguments wouldn't have happened.  At all.