Betrayal Recovery - Does it happen?

[LighthousePoint]

Hello everyone,

I'm very new but I've been reading for some time and I'm so thankful this website exists because as many of you have, I felt like there was something terribly wrong with me. I was convinced that I had all these issues and as it turns out, the harder I thought about it, the harder it was to find the issue and then a shining light saved me a lot of trouble after two months of suffering...

Story:

So, my girlfriend and I had the perfect situation. I won't get into the wonderful world that we had created because as we have seen repeatedly, it doesn't last and turns into a nightmare...

She told me to speak with her family and make sure to introduce myself and I did these things. They were truly the most kind people I've ever met and were very excited about the relationship, to the point I was a little worried about what had happened before. They all seemed to like me very much,

Fast Forward to being devalued; one of my girlfriend's sisters reached out to me and she said, "What #### was telling us about you just did not add up and we wanted to hear from you."

I sent a screenshot of the wild criticisms and she told me that my girlfriend has done this before and that it is very hard if you are the subject, as she looks at things from a perspective with "facts" that don't exist. She clued me in to just about everything and that she hasn't sought help... Yes, this all sounds familiar...

During one of the rather rough criticism sessions, after this revelation, I told her what I was told by her sister. I shouldn't have done this as she lost her mind. This was the most awful betrayal ever, to her, mostly on my part, but also on her sister; She was very clear on how I couldn't go any lower...

The Question: Does the "betrayal" ever become seen as what it was? Her sister reached out to me and throughout the conversation we talked about how much we cared for my girlfriend and how we'd do anything, but all she seems to see is some sort of betrayal. Does the person who has BPD ever see the light or is that wishful thinking?

Thank you for your time, I truly appreciate it.

G

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi LighthousePoint,

empathy is really central, perhaps the number one thing, to a relationship with someone with bpd traits. think of it this way:

if i took your post, and i shared it with someone close to you, and the two of us got to talking about you, and i told you what they said in a heated moment between you and me, you wouldnt feel great about it, right? if we said nice things about you in the process, that would likely not be your number one takeaway.

the bottom line here, i think, is that you meant well. but it wasnt received well.

i dont think the solution here is to make her see the light. on some level, she probably gets where you are coming from.

i think she is looking to see that you get where she is coming from. she introduced you (somewhat nervously) to her family, and discovered that a person she had a lifelong connection with was speaking ill about her to her romantic partner.

whats your take on this?

[juju2]

Hi Lighthouse

Since your intention was to build up, not tear down, keep remembering your intention.  If I have the correct intention.  Only you know what your intention is.

Be strong.  I have to have a thick skin, and take space for myself to give myself great self care.

This other person isn't my project. Sometimes they need time to sort things out.

I cannot be hovering about, forcing them to reach the right conclusion.
That's not my job.

Be gentle and kind with you.

I cannot control anyone.  The only person I can change is myself.

It's all ok.

[LighthousePoint]

Thank you for the responses. I’ve tried very hard to be kind and just move on, but I just find myself drifting back to her for all the  reasons I wish I could forget.

She perceives what happened as a betrayal. And it hasn’t changed at all and I don’t believe it will. We’re quite a bit of time into no contact and I’m just lost.

Again, thank you for the help. I can be better, I can work on myself, I believe that, but for whatever reason, I can’t get beyond this.

[once removed]

its really, really, hard to be broken up with, especially over what feels like a misunderstanding.

tell us more. how long have you not been in contact? what was the last conversation like?