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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Introducing myself, and Thanks  (Read 313 times)

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 11

« on: September 02, 2020, 07:27:06 AM »

I ended a 1.5yr relationship (the best of my life) about 3 months ago, primarily as she was pushing for marriage, and we still had lots of unresolved obstacles to that.

As her birthday is approaching, and she had repeatedly said "If we break up, I still want to be friends" I had been thinking about whether a card or txt would be ok.

Then, I received info that I'd been replaced within days of us breaking up (and *possibly* before).

I was stunned, and started questioning whether the relationship had ever been real, or if I had just been used (financial support for her & 5 kids).

Googling led me here, and thankfully I can now try to see that the rapid replacement is probably not about me, or any shortcomings of mine, but about her intensely emotional response to 'abandonment'. Further, friendship is not on the cards, as she's probably decided to hate me, and remember our relationship as all bad.

So, thanks for this site!
brighter future
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 209

« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2020, 11:02:08 AM »

Hello DJACJ5,

Welcome to the forum. So much of what you said happened to me in the relationship that I got out of almost 5 months ago, and it also goes along with what most people in here have experienced as well. I'll share some of what I went through recently with my uBPD ex-g/f. The r/s ended in April, and I didn't truly start feeling better until late June.

My uBPD ex-g/f and I had dated just shy of 2 years but have known each other for 20 years.  She started hinting at marriage about two months into the relationship and backed off a bit but continued to idealize me through most of our relationship up until the very end. She had been pushing for engagement pretty hard in the previous 4-5 months leading up to our breakup. My hangup was that she refused to address her severe emotional issues as well as the emotional issues that her children have, too. Additionally, she had a lot of financial issues as well.  She briefly entered counseling after we had been together about 5-6 months, but quit after going for 3-4 months.

Her mood became what I would call pretty bad for the most part back in January 2020, and she stated on and off that she needed to go back to counseling. Of course she never followed through. Despite her up and down behavior, she maintained how much she loved me and wanted to be married to me right up until the very end. She came to my home in early April and gave me the "either we get married or I'm out" ultimatum out of the blue. I honestly didn't see it coming, especially since she told me that I was her soulmate and that she "would never give up on me."  I stated once again that we needed to sort our emotional baggage before marriage, but I would stand by her during that process. I even suggested we go to couples counseling together hoping that would inspire her to go to individual counseling. She agreed to couples counseling at first, and we talked on and off for nearly two weeks. I tried calling/texting her one evening right after that and got no answer. Come to find out, she was out on a date with her rebound guy that she dated/slept with before me (she hooked up with him a short time after leaving her ex-husband and filing for divorce from him). She actually dumped this guy to start dating me, and I didn't find out about him until she told me about it after we'd been seeing each other for about a month. She always said their relationship "meant nothing" to her and that it "was strictly a rebound". He is the identical twin brother to her high school sweetheart. The last I heard 3-4 weeks ago, she was trying to get him to marry her now. I guess she's had a big change of heart as far as he goes. No doubt that this r/s is doomed as well. I assume she figured it would be easier to discard me and pick him up on the rebound rather than trying to face what's wrong with herself. Hopefully one day she'll come to the realization that she needs help for her sake and her children as well.

Like you, I've often wondered how much of my relationship with her was real. Someone here on the forum recently said that they felt like their relationship with their BPD ex was like an illusion that was never really there. Personally, I feel like half of my r/s with my ex was very real, while the other part was an illusion/fantasy.  From what I've learned BPD people believe discarding and moving on to the next r/s is going to be the magical cure for them and that they've finally got it right this time. That could be further from the truth. The only hope they have is to own their issues and make the necessary changes to deal with them on their own with a professional. No one  can help them except themselves.

Best wishes to you during your time of healing. Take care of yourself and don't be afraid to seek the help of a professional if you feel you need it. I did this back in May, and it has been a tremendous help to me as is this forum and all of the wonderful people here. I've learned so much about myself during this process, which I'm working on changing so I don't get involved r/s like these and all of the pain that goes along with them.
« Last Edit: September 02, 2020, 11:17:43 AM by brighter future » Logged
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up/estranged
Posts: 77

« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2020, 05:48:10 PM »

Welcome.   This rapid replacement thing is something a person with BPD does.  My ex always had a lot of men online in various forums ready to turn to if I ever displeased her.  I didn't even had to break up with her.  If we had a fight, and I got angry and went home, she was immediately online with one of these guys.  She always represented herself as single.

Last summer, I was very busy with work, and I couldn't spend a lot of time with her.  One evening, seemingly out of the blue, I got a phone call from her.  I was happy to hear from her, but then she said, "I'm through with you.  I have someone else who moved in with me.  He's sitting right next to me, and he's the man of my dreams."

You can imagine how I felt.  I was hurt, angry, and in shock all at the same time.   But as is her way, she kept calling me every day.  I refused to answer her calls for days, but when I saw how often she was calling, I finally answered.  She gave me a big sob story about how she missed me, and how she couldn't stand this guy because he's weird.  So she threw him out, and I took her back.

Just a few months ago she started flirting over social media with some old high school friend while we were still together.  Next thing you know, he's racing across the country to move in with her.  According to my ex (in true BPD idealization form) she said he was as close to perfect as anyone could get.  It turns out that he's an addict with homicidal fantasies. (that's not just her devaluation.  I actually checked this guy out through public records) They fought all the time, the police were called to her house, and he finally ran back where he came from.

Now here's the kicker, the entire time the addict was there, she called me every day and told me how much she couldn't stand him.  And when he moved out, she tried her best to persuade me to move in with her.  Of course I didn't take her up on that because I know better, but the guy from last summer did.  He was watching her social media, and when she presented her status as "single," he immediately contacted her, so now she's back with him.  A year ago, she threw him out in the most humiliating way, but he more or less social media stalked her and jumped at his first opportunity.  I smell a rat.  This guy is up to something, he's broke and reaching retirement age, and she has money. But I'm out of the "Knight in Shining Armor" business, so she's on her own. 

To sum things up, this is what you'll always get from a pwBPD.  It will never be just you and her.  There will always be other parties right on the borders.  What happened isn't because you did anything.  All you did is fall for a person with a personality disorder. 
Lucky Jim
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6189

« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2020, 10:52:22 AM »

Hey DJACJ5, Welcome!  What makes you suspect your Ex suffers from BPD?  It's hard to tell from your post.  How did you hear about BPD?  The reason I ask is because BPD is so far under the radar for most people.  Those w/BPD have an unstable sense of self and a recurrent fear of abandonment, which is usually what leads to the "rapid replacement thing" that BlueSpring mentions.  It's all part of the disorder, in my view.  You have come to a great place and feel free to pose any particular questions.  It's likely to be rough sledding for a while as you recover from the b/u.  Hang in there.


    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 11

« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2020, 12:40:30 PM »

Hi LuckyJim,

I googled along the lines of "how do people find replacement partners so quickly", and many suggestions referred to. BPD.
As I read more and more about BPD, more and more things matched with her behaviours.

She told me of childhood abuse, her father and one son have mental health issues, she told me of her fear of abandonment.
Her insistence on constant texting gradually grew and grew, she was constantly talking about wanting to feel "connected", emphasis on punctuality, idealization, hypersexuality, poor finances & impulse spending, days off work in bed and vomiting if I didn't text-due to abandonment panic, told me how she always completely cuts people off if she feels they have betrayed her, repeatedly said that she felt she cared more than I did, repeatedly concerned that I was angry (when I wasn't), she had complicated and vague plans for our future together, always pushing for the "next level" of the relationship, her first marriage imploded on the wedding night, she chased and married 2nd husband in 7 months (her words), she told me of one night stands with random bikies, even her quote "I like your mind" which I've seen a few times in BPD discussions. Finally, when I wanted to discuss issues to resolve before thinking of marriage, she said I'd wasted her time, she felt like she was betting on the wrong horse, and snap, next guy.

BPD sure is a good match to what I experienced and observed, and explains a few things which had puzzled me.

I did a cathartic rant in my "rare Pokemon" post, which has more detail if you're curious.
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