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Author Topic: I dont know if stupid questions are allowed (I know the answer but I will ask)..  (Read 664 times)
legalboxers
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« on: September 02, 2020, 10:36:56 AM »

how can someone with BPD just basically erase you, like you never existed.. Are you a forethought. An afterthought? Do they even know what happened or what destruction was left behind. I know people tell me to see a "T", but I mentioned Ive been through far worse than this, this one.. just hit me hard...Ive been through relationships with my ex fiancee and other exs. Just this one.. I was told it gets better when you get older.. This..no...
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« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2020, 09:20:13 PM »

I’m sorry man. Even if you don’t want them back, it’d be nice to hear something. Cluster-B personalities can erase in a heartbeat. They’re in this constant survival mode in their brain. They can’t help it.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling bad about being close to one of these people. It helps to talk about it. I can’t answer all of your questions, but you found a place to talk. Everyone here relates to you.

They simply don’t care because they can’t. That part of their brain was never turned on.
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« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2020, 10:30:08 PM »

@JNChell wish I can forget like them
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« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2020, 10:32:26 PM »

Me too. But, when I think about it, if I thought like that, I’d be that.

You know, better members here are good at getting people talking. I’m not good at that, so I’ll simply ask you to share more. I’m happy to share with you. I’m here.
« Last Edit: September 03, 2020, 10:37:36 PM by JNChell » Logged

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« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2020, 05:55:49 AM »

@JNChell I had to take my 85 yr old mom shopping to the supermarket and the Walmart by where my ex lives. It’s the only closest Walmart and supermarket I know in the area. Anxiety was bad but no major panic attack like the last time so I think it was ok
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« Reply #5 on: September 04, 2020, 11:15:43 AM »

It's like JNChell said, it's a defense mechanism rooted in childhood.
At some point, they go so far in their psychosis that they have to switch it off one way or another and what is the trigger of all that? You. It doesn’t matter how much time you were together, what you did for her, the plans for the future, the good times etc.
At that present moment, you are the origin of her problems and consequently you must be erased from their life so they can regain some sort of stability. Once they do it, they have not an ounce of empathy for you anymore (not that they had a lot in the first place but it was hidden), you become an inconvenience at best and at this point there is rarely any coming back and even if that happens, it’s never as it was before and never lasts long before you’re devalued all over again.

I know how you feel, my ex moved to Edinburgh (UK) in February and I will have to spend a few days there with a friend early next year, I can tell you the mere thought of knowing she is living there, somewhere, already makes me extremely anxious. I really hope I won’t cross her path, I have no clue how I could react.
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« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2020, 02:19:04 PM »

No major panic attacks. That’s a good thing. Panic attacks are the worst. I’ve went by ambulance 3 times because I thought I was dying.

Living with anxiety is hard. Personally, I feel robbed of a “normal” life. I have to manage this stuff. I’m diagnosed with C-PTSD. My anxiety overwhelms me at times.

I don’t want to sit here and talk about shopping. Attack the problem. Shopping is a necessity. Feeling anxiety to go and buy food is a problem.
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« Reply #7 on: September 04, 2020, 04:47:55 PM »

@wpl and @daze507 - had a major panic attack when I was at a supermarket she shopped at, as well as the dollar store I took her to and the Walmart.I kept on looking over my shoulder. Kept on wondering who this clown was she was with and if he approached me in an aggressive way what are my options (I got neurosis and fybromialgia) so I dont know if I could make a fist to defend myself or if my reaction to block a punch or hit. As it is I feel like my body is in pins or someone inserting pins in me.
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« Reply #8 on: September 04, 2020, 06:09:08 PM »

so You’re concerned with her finding a new guy  and flaunting it in your face?
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« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2020, 06:26:25 PM »

@JNChell: Im not in the same town, I never pass through unless I need to go food shopping. I know her days are Sunday - Tuesday. I know Wed I can go, but Im the kind of someone who just wants to get his stuff and go. Im not a fan of walmart anymore. I use to love that place (my ex from way back ruined it for me, and this present one did too) There's a shoprite (Supermarket) there I always went to as a baby. So I get PTSD from when I was a baby, to now as an adult. double-edged sword. I never really go there unless needed, and with this covid, Its not a necessity for me to go into a Walmart. Especially when I need to travel out of state to do so (5-10 min drive - $16.00 toll)
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« Reply #10 on: September 05, 2020, 03:39:16 PM »

Understood. What’s up with the PTSD?
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« Reply #11 on: September 06, 2020, 11:58:23 AM »

@JNChell: try and ignore any triggers
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« Reply #12 on: September 06, 2020, 12:05:56 PM »

@daze507 only time I go there is if I have to go shopping. Rarely I will leave my area but I got people who won’t come to my world for the sense of bridge toll. So I have to go out there and talk to them. It sucks but I got no choice.as I’m driving around I see myself going to and from their house when I’m not. I’m trying hard to scrub the memories but the road I’m driving on and short cuts I take to get from point a to b is how I now know to drive and avoid highway and highly traveled roadways.
What’s gonna suck for me the worst is the coming Thanksgiving Christmas New Years and next year on Valentines Day.
My birthday is somewhere in that wash. Hopefully before then I’m all okay. I need to get back on my feet. Or I can just stay like this and start new come the following year

I just want to be rid of all these feelings and thoughts about this person
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« Reply #13 on: September 06, 2020, 04:24:03 PM »

I know how you feel, my ex moved to Edinburgh (UK) in February and I will have to spend a few days there with a friend early next year, I can tell you the mere thought of knowing she is living there, somewhere, already makes me extremely anxious. I really hope I won’t cross her path, I have no clue how I could react.

enjoy your holiday, it is a fine city, the likelihood of meeting her unexpected is near zero in the space of a few days.

I was worried about the same, until it did happen. part of it is just that, an anxiety, a fear, it still serves as a connective bridge to the relationship that is in real terms, over.

It helped me to face some facts, we share the same planet, both have the liberty to come and go as we please, talk to who we like, or not. what is there to fear? you are there for your own wishes. someone here helped me a lot to get that ingrained in and it helped a lot. I think you will have a great time and perhaps even it will help to overcome these anxieties, I do relate but as often is the case it is our own amplified irrational fears that so often do not measure up to how reality plays out. try to stay centred and not dragged by them.
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« Reply #14 on: September 06, 2020, 04:40:46 PM »

@cromwell.I willl try. Hard to black out an intense 5 month rollercoaster and to be ejected out of a rollercoaster.. fun times.
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« Reply #15 on: September 06, 2020, 05:55:48 PM »

enjoy your holiday, it is a fine city, the likelihood of meeting her unexpected is near zero in the space of a few days.

I was worried about the same, until it did happen. part of it is just that, an anxiety, a fear, it still serves as a connective bridge to the relationship that is in real terms, over.

It helped me to face some facts, we share the same planet, both have the liberty to come and go as we please, talk to who we like, or not. what is there to fear? you are there for your own wishes. someone here helped me a lot to get that ingrained in and it helped a lot. I think you will have a great time and perhaps even it will help to overcome these anxieties, I do relate but as often is the case it is our own amplified irrational fears that so often do not measure up to how reality plays out. try to stay centred and not dragged by them.

I known it is, in fact the plan was initially to move there together, that was before she started the craziness. In the end, she went on her own. I know it's totally irrational, I create all that in my own mind and it shows I am still not 100% detached, of I were I would not give a damn. I accepted to go as a kind of exorcism, I have to face my fears, it's not her city, I go if I want.
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« Reply #16 on: September 06, 2020, 06:57:10 PM »

@daze507 @JNChell does it get easier?I thought about her all day today. And I know I will tomorrow. She got mad at me on July 4th for not coming to see her. It was late, she got out at 8:00, I had maybe 2 beers. I wasnt going to chance it to go, maybe I shouldnt have had anything with my burgers. I think this year I may not even bbq.
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« Reply #17 on: September 07, 2020, 01:20:47 AM »

Of course it does legalboxers but you have to put massive efforts into it, this kind of trauma-bond don't disappear magically. They are phases in your healing and it's a rollercoaster but you must want to heal. I am at a point where I don't think about her anymore if I am not triggered by something (the main one being the city I talked about) but it took time and efforts, lots of acceptance, rationalisation and forgiveness and love for myself.
At some point you just have to process the fact that this person is not good for you and that, in reality, you don't really love her, the problem is deeper than that and it's in you but it's a long trip, usually a therapist is a huge help in figuring all that.
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« Reply #18 on: September 07, 2020, 02:16:23 AM »

I wouldn’t recommend ignoring the PTSD triggers. What’s your biggest one? I’m a fellow PTSD compadre. Never hurts to share notes.
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« Reply #19 on: September 07, 2020, 02:20:48 AM »

legalboxers, yes. It does get easier. In fact, it gets much better. You’re going to be fine. I’ve been in your shoes.
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« Reply #20 on: September 07, 2020, 06:49:24 PM »

@Daze507 You guy are my therapist. You are helping me in ways you dont know. Im in a major city myself (New York City) I cant really go out and do much since my mother (who is 85) is overly paranoid if I go anywhere I will bring covid or something. Cant argue or reason with someone that age (like reasoning with a 2 year old)

As for rollercoasters. With her. I had my fill. dont need anymore mind...well you know. I cant do anything. I cant even go out without being asked "why you are going here for, why are you going there for". I take care of my mom but I need some me time. I need to get a breather.. But that I can deal with on my own.

I try and rationalize, and try and forgive myself but its hard. All I did was fall in love. Maybe that was my mistake.


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« Reply #21 on: September 07, 2020, 07:09:16 PM »

@JNChell I got many. Driving over the bridge to see her, the exit ramp. The Walmart, the Dollar Store, the Shoprite next to her house, seeing a pallet of cat food, cat litter, the Hampton Inn by there.90 Day Fiancee is the biggest trigger as well. And not to mention, domino's pizza and probably italian sandwiches from the shoprite. And a liquor store by her house

I havent been into New Jersey in a week or so. So I dont have to see that walmart, shoprite, or the dollar store since I enough groceries for the month and if need be I can stay local. I use to get gas from the gas station before I went home every tuesday morning. We would eat domino's pizza while watching the shows. She said she never broke up with me because we were still there.  I dont think so. She was like "one more text msg and its over"  and my friend who has stage 4 breast cancer messaged me...And to boot, she hasnt called me back since that incident. and to be honest, she never talks to me..ever. And I even told her that, she would randomly text me. Last time I heard from her was my birthday she was suppose to come see me. she flaked on me.

What pisses me off with all of this. Im a history nut. I was watching the John Lewis Funeral and I wanted to watch that in peace, and she was fighting with me. 

I even got a comforter in my room which was similar to the one in the hotel to try and desensitize me. But that didnt help. I wake up in the middle of the night. I can still smell her in my head. I close my eyes and I can feel her next to me. She said I never tossed and turned...or talked. but others said I did. I guess I was at peace with her. Its been 1 month and 2 weeks. maybe more. I just want this pain to go away. I got deadlines on myself. I need to study for the LSAT, I got my notary to do, I got other courses I need to take. I cant be living in this cage.

For the 1st time in my life. since I started dating. I found someone who I thought I could love, and who could love me. Someone who knew what I was probably feeling at the time. I did all I could, given the circumstance and tools I had without me running back to help my mom.

she said she didnt want to be alone or live alone. I could not do that since I take care of my mom and I had other obligations at home. Im on call, its a sons job to take care of his family. Its my job. I think if I didnt have that on my shoulders.. Id still be getting married in Feburary...
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« Reply #22 on: September 08, 2020, 01:24:45 AM »

There is a channel on YouTube that helped me a lot, especially by seeing I am not alone:

https://www.youtube.com/c/MelanieAmandine

Give it a try.



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« Reply #23 on: September 08, 2020, 04:41:19 AM »

how can someone with BPD just basically erase you, like you never existed.. Are you a forethought. An afterthought? Do they even know what happened or what destruction was left behind. I know people tell me to see a "T", but I mentioned Ive been through far worse than this, this one.. just hit me hard...Ive been through relationships with my ex fiancee and other exs. Just this one.. I was told it gets better when you get older.. This..no...

the short answer is that the person who does the breaking up has, by and large, grieved the relationship, and are in a moving on stage, while the person being broken up with feels caught off guard, and to blame.

that was one of the harder parts for me to swallow in my recovery, for a variety of reasons. i had difficulty coping with the idea that my ex had moved on. i felt, almost, like a sucker, at the idea that she had been doing so under my nose. i felt confused, because it was actually contrary to some things she had recently said, and done. and thats one of the hardest parts: it often is.

and all of that can be amplified when it comes to someone with bpd traits.

take any coping mechanism that we are all prone to using, but put some of them on steroids when it comes to someone that, inherently, doesnt cope well.

compartmentalization is a big one. finding external sources, a new hobby, a new life, a new partner, to ease the transition, is another. being wishy washy, having second thoughts, is another. there are many.

Excerpt
I know people tell me to see a "T", but I mentioned Ive been through far worse than this,

I just want to be rid of all these feelings and thoughts about this person

first, and foremost, grieve.

in all of the things i did in my recovery, what got me through it was fully acknowledging my loss, and grieving it. as much as it hurt, that was the only way through.

to wish away feelings and thoughts is to deny what your body and mind are trying to do; to grieve the relationship. it is to invalidate your own feelings of loss. and frankly, that probably has a lot do with the battle youre going through. if she had suddenly died, would you tell yourself that the answer is to tough it out, to deny your feelings?

second: ive been here for many years, and ive seen a large amount of members repeat history, bring the same baggage into the next relationship, and feel even greater pain. i did so myself.

and what i cannot stress enough, is that seeing a therapist, or choosing to try antidepressants is not a weakness. if you had cancer, it would be foolish to determine that seeing a doctor is just admitting weakness and that your body ought to be able to overcome it. all the same, plenty of people do just that, and id venture to say that the vast majority of them regret it.




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« Reply #24 on: September 08, 2020, 08:22:19 AM »

@daze507 Shes on my fave list on youtube. Also listening to "In the End"  Linkin Park, "Take a Look at me Now" Phil Collins, and
"Someone you loved" Lewis Capaldi.
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« Reply #25 on: September 08, 2020, 08:33:59 AM »

@once removed I was a volunteer police officer for 15 years. When I was dealing with crap like this, I use to run into work. I use to help people and do what I did best. On the other side of the coin, I was harassed, heckled, and racist jabs by my co-workers. And all the numerous reports I made, fell on deaf ears. So that was one battle I chose not to deal with. And with this covid, only thing I really can do is immerse myself in studying again. Which is like hitting a plexiglass / brick wall at 70 MPH.

I dont think of it as a weakness. In my family, it is. I would be quicker disowned from my family if I did. Also, a friend of mine who I havent spoken to since I left the dept,  was on antidepressants, which led to diabetes medication. My father was a diabetic for many years, he was on both kinds of dialysis (hemo and peritoneal)   he died 18 years ago in October at the age of 62. He put me through hell for 25 years of my life. This woman did as much damage as he did for 5 months. And Im still standing.

All I do is grieve. I use to love my role-play game called Second Life. Now all I do is wake up at 8am, do stuff for my mother (who is 85) I spam resumes hoping someone would hire me (remote mostly) eat my meals, and sleep by 9:00pm. I feel robbed. Best way I can explain, think of yourself a new parent. You got a baby. Its yours, you love it. you cherish it. One day someone rips it out of your arms violently, then kicks you in the head and runs away. You shout, scream, cry. But no one can hear you.

Every single moment I was with her I remember. Every interaction I had, every incident which happened (mostly bad) One time we were doing something and it was majorly hot out. she left the AC for our "babies" (4 cats - 5 years old) and we seen fire engines rush past us. We thought the worst. And it was not her house.

I want to erase all the good, and the bad. Like she did with me. I want to get my 5 months of my life back. I know I wont get my money back, but at least give me my sanity back...
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« Reply #26 on: September 09, 2020, 03:16:38 AM »

believe me when i say that you are heard, and i know your pain.

its been many years now, nearly ten, but it was arguably the hardest thing ive ever been through, ever will go through, and i havent forgotten the endless obsessing, the crying jags, the several hour lasting anxiety attacks.

i wont belabor the point about meds; i can tell you have deeply held beliefs, and at the end of the day, they arent a cure. i might suggest a compromise: i tried a whole slew of natural supplements during my recovery. several of them helped a lot, and a few of them, as much or more than prescription antidepressants did. if youre willing, go get yourself some SAM-E from your nearest herb store (grocery store versions can upset your stomach). it will help, enormously.

its going to get better. sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. but it really does get better.
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« Reply #27 on: September 09, 2020, 12:19:49 PM »

@once removed: Im trying melatonin and got the aroma therapy of lavender. That has been doing some good. But the days which are worst are Monday and Tuesday since I spent most of the time with her on those days. Taking her to Walmart, Dollar Tree, Dollar General.

As I posted, I cant rest. I need to start my studying for my LSAT again and a notary. I dont think I should do it this month, I should push everything off until the 1st of next year. Hopefully by then it will be out of my mind, but Feb is when we met.. talking about marriage.. her mom passing...
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« Reply #28 on: September 09, 2020, 04:35:26 PM »

Look. They were amazing until they weren’t. I just started a custody battle with one of these. It could be much worse for you.

Try not to pay attention to the label. Behaviors are behaviors.

Pills are a personal choice. I don’t recommend them. They will  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) you up even more.

PwBPD can erase things because they think like children. This is where it’s hard to let go. They don’t think like us. We can’t blame them because something made that happen.
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
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legalboxers
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ex GF / Fiancée
Posts: 364


« Reply #29 on: September 09, 2020, 06:30:49 PM »

@JNChell
Im looking for herbal ways. I dont blame them. On the other hand, I live and take care of my mom who is 85. She is the one. My mom was an RN for 55 yrs. She dont get the whole BPD thing, she never was a Psych Nurse. So trying to explain this to her is like trying to explain my field of law to her.
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when they ask us to do time in purgatory, we can say no thanks, Ive done mine
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