Boundaries & SET fatigue

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I've spent more time than usual today helping my BPDmom.   (Quick recap:  she lives in an apartment in an assisted living community and can't run her own errands due to Covid.)  I picked her dog up early this morning before work and dropped it off at the vet, then took my lunch hour to go back and get it.  I didn't mind doing this for her.

But then this afternoon she called me at work, demanding that I drive back over to her place to "look at her haircut."  I can't go inside because of Covid.  So she wants me to drive across town for a third time today, just to look at her hair through the window.  I simply don't want to.  I want to go home, put on comfy clothes, play with my dog and chill.   

I know she had her hair done by the stylist that goes to the facility.  She doesn't like him, but since she can't leave, he is her only option if she wants her hair cut.  I can tell by her tone of voice that she is unhappy with it and wants to unload on me. 

I just don't want to deal with her at all.  I don't have the emotional bandwidth for all her little grievances.  So I'm not going over there.  But I'm struggling with how to handle her tonight.  If I call her and tell her I can't make it, then she'll just lash out over the phone.  So I don't want to call.  I know could call and try SET.  But sometimes I just feel too tired to try and think up a good SET response.  And I honestly just don't  care about how her haircut looks. (I'm such a monster     Does anyone else get sick of having to to carry the burden of managing these interactions with pwBPD?     

[Mata]

I've spent more time than usual today helping my BPDmom.   (Quick recap:  she lives in an apartment in an assisted living community and can't run her own errands due to Covid.)  I picked her dog up early this morning before work and dropped it off at the vet, then took my lunch hour to go back and get it.  I didn't mind doing this for her.

But then this afternoon she called me at work, demanding that I drive back over to her place to "look at her haircut."  I can't go inside because of Covid.  So she wants me to drive across town for a third time today, just to look at her hair through the window.  I simply don't want to.  I want to go home, put on comfy clothes, play with my dog and chill.   

I know she had her hair done by the stylist that goes to the facility.  She doesn't like him, but since she can't leave, he is her only option if she wants her hair cut.  I can tell by her tone of voice that she is unhappy with it and wants to unload on me. 

I just don't want to deal with her at all.  I don't have the emotional bandwidth for all her little grievances.  So I'm not going over there.  But I'm struggling with how to handle her tonight.  If I call her and tell her I can't make it, then she'll just lash out over the phone.  So I don't want to call.  I know could call and try SET.  But sometimes I just feel too tired to try and think up a good SET response.  And I honestly just don't  care about how her haircut looks. (I'm such a monster     Does anyone else get sick of having to to carry the burden of managing these interactions with pwBPD?     

[Goldcrest]

Hi Mata, I find boundaries can feel exhausting sometimes and quite parental when actually you desperately want to be the child for a change and say "no, not coming over" without some great volcano reaction being set off. I have felt so much recently that my mother sees me as her mum and I'm constantly working out how to parent her carefully.

It's easy to dish out advise but I know I wouldn't be able to do the very advice I could give  .

[wantmorepeace]

Yes, I also get so sick of it.  So sick, so tired, so sad, so angry.  Right now, so anxious.  You are not a monster and you are not alone.

[Mata]

when actually you desperately want to be the child for a change and say "no, not coming over" without some great volcano reaction being set off. I have felt so much recently that my mother sees me as her mum and I'm constantly working out how to parent her carefully. 

This exactly, I've been parenting my mom for as long as I can remember.  It's so tiring.  I'm trying to get out of that role, but it is hard.   

[Mata]

Yes, I also get so sick of it.  So sick, so tired, so sad, so angry.  Right now, so anxious.  You are not a monster and you are not alone.

 

[livednlearned]

How did things go, Mata?

I know could call and try SET.  But sometimes I just feel too tired to try and think up a good SET response.

 

SET is hard to do when exhausted. I have heard the words come out right but my emotions are so off that I'm barely believable. People with BPD seem to have an extraordinary ability to detect this.

Does anyone else get sick of having to to carry the burden of managing these interactions with pwBPD?

It feels like the people most traumatized by these relationships are the same ones expected to caretake  .

I sometimes wonder if dealing with my step daughter would feel so taxing if there wasn't BPD in my family of origin.

[Methuen]

Hi Mata,

It sounds like you are running yourself ragged.  

A good question to ask is "what do I need right now?"  What I hear you saying is that you need a rest, "a break" (maybe from her ) and some time to look after your own needs.  Is that about right?

I had to learn that it was OK to look after myself, and take care of my own needs.  Sometimes my biggest need was time and space away from my mom and her needs. Her needs were so big that there wasn't just a hole in the bottom of her bucket, but the whole bottom of the bucket was missing.  That's what it felt like to me.  I'm having a flash back to that time when I read your story.  All I can say is that in my experience, you are probably trying to do too much.  The more you do, the more she will demand (hence the irrational demand to go see her hair), and the sooner you will burn out.  This was me all over again.  She would say jump, and I would say "how high?" metaphorically speaking, because I was just so desperate to please her and make her feel better.

...I'm struggling with how to handle her tonight.  If I call her and tell her I can't make it, then she'll just lash out over the phone.  So I don't want to call.  I know could call and try SET.  But sometimes I just feel too tired to try and think up a good SET response...   Does anyone else get sick of having to to carry the burden of managing these interactions with pwBPD

You are right.  We can't use SET for everything.  Anytime we over use one tool, it becomes less effective when we really need it.  If we used a time-out for a young child every time something happened, the time-out tool would become less effective.

Another tool is setting boundaries.  

But then this afternoon she called me at work, demanding that I drive back over to her place to "look at her haircut."

Ah yes.  The need for attention, and the constant interruptions...   So, I'm wondering if you are ok with her calling you at work about non-emergencies?  If no, then she may need to hear that from you again.  Then when she calls (and it's not an emergency), interrupt her and say "I'm sorry mom, but I can't discuss this at work.  We can talk ________(later, after work, on the weekend...).  Bye bye" and hang up.  It will be hard to do this the first time.  But if you have set a boundary, and she has not respected it, then it is up to you to enforce it.  Sadly, we children, must become the parent in this way.  It feels like tough love.  But if we don't set boundaries to protect ourselves from being overmanaged and overneeded by this parent, we will eventually self-destruct and could even become ill ourselves.  On the other hand, if you are ok with her calling you at work for any reason, then these types of demands could continue, or even escalate.

I can tell by her tone of voice that she is unhappy with it and wants to unload on me.

I am truly feeling for you here.  What would happen if you just didn't call her?  

Alternatively, if you call her, and she starts dumping on you about her hair, can you butt in and say "Mom, I can hear that you are unhappy with your haircut (validating).  I can't come see you tonight because I am not feeling well (don't mention the hair).  I'll talk to you when I'm feeling better, OK? I'm going to take a bath...Bye for now..." and hang up.  (She can't call back because you will be in the bath.)  When she later FOG's you and says something like "you treat me so terrible...you won't even talk to me", remind her you have needs too, and you need to look after yourself. Alternately, you could also tell her that saying things like that to you isn't helpful, and if she continues to do it, you will need to leave.

That's what it came to for me.  One  day I layed down the law, and point blank told my mom I was done with her abuse.  I wasn't angry.  I just stated my truth.  If she raged at me again, I would leave the situation (she hasn't raged at me since).

Boundaries.

In the beginning she may push back (just like a child or teenager pushing boundaries) which could lead to an extinction burst (an increase of the bad behavior).  If you stick to your boundaries, she will eventually catch on, and the problem should get a lot better.  

If I remember right your mom moved into assisted living? ?  Do I have that right?  I can see that you want to support her through that transition (unless I have you mixed up with someone elses story), but that does NOT include you being available at any  moment of the day for her to dump all her negative feelings onto you right?  And probably blame you for "whatever"?  That is not your job to listen to that.  If you were to become unavailable for that, you might actually be helping her by giving her the opportunity to learn to self-soothe.  After all, that's what the rest of us do, and she probably needs more practice at self-soothing, right?

Hair grows back.  Maybe next time she can give different instructions, or have a picture ready to show the hairdresser, so they can better understand what it is she wants.  When she next brings up the hair thing, you could ask her a validating question such as "did you cut a picture out of a magazine to show him/her what style you wanted?"  It puts the responsibility back on her, and gives her a solution at the same time.

Just a few ideas.  Not sure if any of this is helpful, or not.

It is exhausting.  You are right.  I'm really feeling for you.   Take the time you need to look after your own well-being and get some energy back, before trying to deal with her.  Your needs matter too, despite her wanting you to feel that only her needs matter.

Less contact with my mom has been a miracle balm for both of us.  But there was kind of an extinction burst before we came to this equilibrium.

It can get better.

[Mata]

A good question to ask is "what do I need right now?"  What I hear you saying is that you need a rest, "a break" (maybe from her ) and some time to look after your own needs.  Is that about right?

Yes, you are right on.  I have a ton of "use or lose" vacation time I need take before the end of the year.  So I decided to take this week off.  H and I went camping for a few days in a remote area (far away from people and cell service).  It was wonderful.  I didn't realize just how much I needed a break from my mom and work. 

Her needs were so big that there wasn't just a hole in the bottom of her bucket, but the whole bottom of the bucket was missing.  

This is such a good analogy, it exactly describes my mom!

All I can say is that in my experience, you are probably trying to do too much.  The more you do, the more she will demand (hence the irrational demand to go see her hair), and the sooner you will burn out.  This was me all over again.  She would say jump, and I would say "how high?" metaphorically speaking, because I was just so desperate to please her and make her feel better.

I think you are right.  I have noticed that when I do more than one thing in a short time period, like run more than one errand a week, she starts asking for more and more.  It's like once she gets me hooked, she is going to take all she can get from me.

So, I'm wondering if you are ok with her calling you at work about non-emergencies?  If no, then she may need to hear that from you again.  

I'm not okay with it, at all.  So I let all of her calls during the workday go to voicemail.  I only call her back before 5 if its something that needs attention right away. 

I am truly feeling for you here.  What would happen if you just didn't call her?  

This is the hard part for me.  I hate calling her back.  But I feel extremely guilty for not calling.  I get myself caught in a loop, of "I should call...I don't want to call..." that essentially paralyzes me, and then I feel like a failure/bad daughter when I end up not calling, or I call and end up stressed out from talking to her.  Phone calls always feel like a no-win situation. 

Alternatively, if you call her, and she starts dumping on you about her hair, can you butt in and say "Mom, I can hear that you are unhappy with your haircut (validating).  I can't come see you tonight because I am not feeling well (don't mention the hair).  I'll talk to you when I'm feeling better, OK? I'm going to take a bath...Bye for now..." and hang up.  

Thank you for writing this out, so helpful.  Thanks.

If I remember right your mom moved into assisted living? ?  Do I have that right?  I can see that you want to support her through that transition (unless I have you mixed up with someone elses story), but that does NOT include you being available at any  moment of the day for her to dump all her negative feelings onto you right? And probably blame you for "whatever"?  That is not your job to listen to that.   If you were to become unavailable for that, you might actually be helping her by giving her the opportunity to learn to self-soothe.  After all, that's what the rest of us do, and she probably needs more practice at self-soothing, right?

Yes, she's in assisted living.  Her default has been to dump on and blame me for every little thing she doesn't like because my H and I encouraged her to move there.  It's nice to be reminded that it's not my job to listen to it, and I don't have to feel guilty for changing my role.   

Just a few ideas.  Not sure if any of this is helpful, or not.

I appreciate them, it is helpful!  Thanks for taking the time to respond so thoughtfully.

[Mata]

How did things go, Mata?

I ended up just avoiding her that night.  I didn't call back, and the next morning I sent her a short text telling her I worked late.  She must have gotten over the hair, because she didn't bring it up again, instead she responded by talking about the next walmart order she wanted me to pick up.  I don't know if that was the best way to handle it, but my emotional reserve tank was on empty and I couldn't muster the energy to deal with her.  

SET is hard to do when exhausted. I have heard the words come out right but my emotions are so off that I'm barely believable. People with BPD seem to have an extraordinary ability to detect this.

Yes, and when she picks up on this, she gets extra mean.

It feels like the people most traumatized by these relationships are the same ones expected to caretake  .

I agree.  It feels unfair and honestly, makes me really angry.  It's like the options are to either do the heavy lifting for two people, or both sink into emotional dysfunction.    

[Methuen]

I get myself caught in a loop, of "I should call...I don't want to call..." that essentially paralyzes me, and then I feel like a failure/bad daughter when I end up not calling, or I call and end up stressed out from talking to her.  Phone calls always feel like a no-win situation.

One of the many REALLY helpful key take-away's I got from my T, is that when I'm feeling  exactly like what you are describing here, is the time when I must NOT phone my mom.  Inotherwords when my head is in a "bad space", I need to take care of myself.  Makes sense right?  If I'm feeling anger, or fear, or frustration, and "body tenseness", that is probably not the best time to deal with her, or what could happen?  These days, I try to only talk to my mom when I am in a "good space", and know that I can handle whatever comes up.  It took a while to get to this point, but I want to be encouraging, and say that it does get better.

 

I have noticed that when I do more than one thing in a short time period, like run more than one errand a week, she starts asking for more and more.  It's like once she gets me hooked, she is going to take all she can get from me.

Bingo!  Consider that your cue that you are doing too much, and it's time to back off, and give yourself more space.

Her default has been to dump on and blame me for every little thing she doesn't like because my H and I encouraged her to move there.  It's nice to be reminded that it's not my job to listen to it, and I don't have to feel guilty for changing my role.

  Right.  The more you listen to it, the more she's going to dump it on you.  Stop listening to it and staying present for it, and she will eventually get the message her blame game strategy isn't serving her the way she wants it to.  I firmly believe it's not our job to listen to that, and we can choose not to.  We're not doormats. 

[Methuen]

I ended up just avoiding her that night.  I didn't call back, and the next morning I sent her a short text telling her I worked late.  She must have gotten over the hair, because she didn't bring it up again,

Awesome...what did you learn from this Mata?  I think you handled this in a really great way.  Bravo!

[Mata]

One of the many REALLY helpful key take-away's I got from my T, is that when I'm feeling  exactly like what you are describing here, is the time when I must NOT phone my mom.  Inotherwords when my head is in a "bad space", I need to take care of myself.  Makes sense right? 

It does, and I like that as a guide.

[Mata]

Awesome...what did you learn from this Mata?  I think you handled this in a really great way.  Bravo!

Thanks, it reinforced that she can self-sooth, and that I can take a time-out from her emotional needs.  My rational brain understands that this is how boundaries work, but my default, emotional brain is slower to catch on. 

[Methuen]

it reinforced that she can self-sooth, and that I can take a time-out from her emotional needs.

  Yes yes yes!  And she's just "fine"...!
 

[Mata]

  Yes yes yes!  And she's just "fine"...!
 

Thankful for this conversation today.  I just got another long ranty text message about the Covid situation.  Unfortunately, one of the staff at her facility tested positive, so everyone is being quarantined to their apartments.  She is mad, making veiled threats, and taking it as a personal "punishment" (aka being a victim/waif).  As I read her message and felt my blood pressure rise, I reminded myself that it is not my job to fix how she feels.  Lots of people have been/will be quarantined.  It's for everyone's health, and it sucks for everyone.  I am going to just let this ride out too. 

[Methuen]

As I read her message and felt my blood pressure rise, I reminded myself that it is not my job to fix how she feels.

Yes yes yes.  The first time someone on this board told me that it sent me reeling.  It was such a revelation, and a turning point.  I am so happy you are at the turning point too.

If this current Covid case blame thing doesn't go away the way the demand to "see her hair" went away (overnight), then SET could come in handy, if you feel up to it.  If you don't feel up to it, ride it out until you do feel up to it, and then try SET. A Covid case in her facility is a bit of a bigger deal than her hair, so that may be an appropriate time to use SET.  However, if SET doesn't settle her, and she starts blaming you, excuse yourself and remind her you can talk again when you are both calmer.  Say good bye, and hang up.  Hopefully, none of this is needed.  Hoping for the best for you

Keep us posted.  I really really really hope there isn't an all out "outbreak" in her assisted living facility.  If there is, well, there are trained staff there to assist and support her.  Like you said, it's not your job to "fix" her feelings. 

Book another week holiday, and head back to nature!

[Mata]

Keep us posted.  I really really really hope there isn't an all out "outbreak" in her assisted living facility.  If there is, well, there are trained staff there to assist and support her.  Like you said, it's not your job to "fix" her feelings. 

I really hope so too.  She doesn't seem concerned in the least about getting sick or there being an outbreak in the facility.  It's an odd reaction, but is pretty typical of my mom. 

After I let her first text sit for a while, I responded by text to test the water.  She was still really angry, and started sending me a flurry of increasingly upset messages.  I tried using SET by text, and it didn't go so well.  She was just too worked up. More angry messages.  So I ignored her.  I decided I wasn't going to even try and talk to her when she is like that.  Then late last night, she sent me another message, saying she had "calmed herself down"    and she wanted to discuss moving out.  So I called her this morning and had a pretty decent conversation.  I told her it was 100% her decision if she wants to move.  Her house has not been sold, so she can move home if she wants (which is about 4 hours from me). We talked about the pros and cons of her options, and I made it clear that if she stayed in our town, my H and I could not provide her with the type of assistance she gets now at her assisted living place.  They cook all her meals, do housekeeping, provide social activities, etc.  She would have to hire someone to help with that.  She seemed to take that pretty well, for now at least.

I feel such a weight off my chest at the moment.  She's been talking about moving out and I've been worried about her needs falling on me for a while.  So it felt good to verbalize that boundary.  This whole episode was also good practice at letting her self-sooth and putting responsibility back on her.  She was able to calm down without me doing anything.  I hope that eventually this will come more naturally to me.