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Author Topic: Is there any thing a Non can do to convince their BP partner to get real help.  (Read 834 times)
throwingsomesand

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« on: September 12, 2020, 12:26:35 AM »

I am Non BP who has been in a relationship with my BPD partner for almost 2 years now, I love them to death and back and everything was going relatively well up until about a year ago. It started when, I had to leave the country for education, and they motivated me and wanted me to take the opportunity. They are the main reason I left because I also wanted to have a better life for us. a bit after I left I started to notice their mental and physical health go down slowly, until it got really bad for a while and all of a sudden they disappeared for a month, with all i could find out through their family is that they're in a "mental hospital". I later found out after they got out that the real reason they were gone is because they were in rehab and that they have been using narcotics for about 3 months which was the main reason of their physical health decline. They told me they have been using since i left, because they couldnt handle it. From this point onward things have been a roller coaster. They tried multiple times to get help, but with help where they live being sub-bar and their family having low to no understanding, their bpd symptoms kept getting worse and worse, which also started having a huge impact on my own mental health through my own depression, anxiety and ADHD. I did every thing in my power to try and motivate them to get better, especially with trying DBT, but theyre completely unconvinced of DBT and think that only thing that is going to help is me coming back and their family stopping making it worse. With the current world affairs and a lot of other complications me going back is basically impossible for now, and regarding their family being better, that seems very unlikely. Even though I dont not believe and ive made it clear that I dont think they are the ones ruining their own life, every time i recommend help they take it as if I am blaming them, and their first response something a long the lines of "i am sorry i am so bad you deserve better, you should leave me" with them even attempting to make the choice for me multiple times. Right now i am tried, I am drained and i have ridiculous amount of stress because of my education, but i still dont want to give up on them or let go of the only person I have ever loved. Is there ANYTHING i can do ?

*I avoided mentioning any trigger subjects, but basically they're all there*
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I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2020, 11:13:33 PM »

Hi, and Welcome

It sounds like you have been through a very stressful time. I'm glad you have found us but I am sorry for what brings you here.

We love our loved ones and many times we think that getting treatment is what absolutely needs to happen and it is really frustrating and painful when our loved ones reject the idea or, worse, think that we are blaming or shaming or attacking them for suggesting it.

Here is an article about this very topic:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

The video in this article is long but also helpful if you have time to watch it.

Are you in school now? That is stressful, no doubt. I'm in graduate school and feeling immense pressure from it. Have you considered seeing a therapist for yourself to sort out all these feelings and get some help with coping with the stress?
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throwingsomesand

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Relationship status: dating
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« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2020, 05:42:05 AM »

HI! Thanks for the warm welcome,

Regarding therapy, sadly I am unable to afford it at the moment, but I am trying to self administer DBT for my self as best I could since that seems to be the only productive option.

Right now however, I found my self in an even tougher situation. My partner asked for a break until we can meet because "they don't have the energy to interact with any one online and I require too much energy, and it results in them relapsing in order to be able to be there" which i accepted in the spur of the moment knowing well its not something I can handle. after two very horrible nights with much worries and anxiety attacks, I tried to get some reassurance from them as wise as i could be, using SET and Dearman techniques, but I was faced with almost complete silence and avoidance.

I then found my self saying " this is honestly heartbreaking" and left, which then was responded to by "alls good.", "I am just following our agreement"

which i found even more hurtful and responded by this "that agreement didn't disclose completely aligning with your need while completing ignoring mine, do you honestly think if you needed me with anything i would consciously leave you on read to question if i even care, the agreement was a break not a cease all communion, this is what i was questioning when i asked i dont understand what you mean by break, but I felt like I didn't have the space to discuss it further, which i should've had the right to do.  because this form of "break" imo is unhealthy and leave a lot of room for worries to fester.", " I  am honestly doing my absolute best to keep us going, if that's still what you want please try to cooperate with me to make that happen because I cannot keep a relationship alive on my own, its a two man effort. and if that's not what you want anymore please inform me because that's something I deserve to know."

and was simply responded to by "im going to the gym rn so ill be gone for a while. cheers. x"

I honestly have no clue if what I said was "bad" or if I did things right or anything really, I am just confused distraught, and I am not sure if they still even love me anymore.

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I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2020, 07:57:58 AM »

I'm sorry,  that sounds like a very painful situation to go through.

I can understand the desire for you to get some reassurance from your partner. But from what they seem to be saying,  that may be something they are unable to give right now. 

They asked for a break.  You want to define exactly what that means in terms of communication. when you press for clarity,  they pull away and avoid discussing it.

I know it hurts,  but I think you may need to pull back on discussing the relationship with your partner for now. Keep communication light and positive and see how they respond.

The first few months,  even year after getting sober can be very difficult and confusing and it does require a lot of energy and effort to remain sober and learn to live with new coping skills instead of falling back into old habits.  Your partner may not know what is next beyond just staying sober twenty four hours at a time.

I would suggest you try to practice self care and do some things that you enjoy doing for yourself.  If you have a DBT workbook,  there is probably a section in there about distress tolerance.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331665.0

As confused as you are,  your partner may be confused as well and doesn't know how to answer your questions.

I do realize that you also cannot live in limbo wondering about the status of the relationship.

Try giving them the space they asked for,  as painful as that is,  and focus on your own well being to try to manage the feelings of anxiety and distress you are experiencing. mindfulness is a good exercise for that.

Your partner seems to be avoiding the pressure of relationship discussions right now.  Try to remove that pressure and see if it improves the communication for a while,  then perhaps you can reassess and figure out what the next step should be.
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throwingsomesand

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Relationship status: dating
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« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2020, 06:22:38 PM »

I completely forgot about this thread, and I am very glad I remembered now so i could see your response. I truly wish i had someone like you that could help me push through whenever I am this anxious or confused.

So, basically since that update I gave them a day or two, and tried to completely relax my self and focus on my hobbies for a bit. and then I did share my needs and explained that there is no pressure I just need to help us both understand where we are, and that I do not want to leave or lose them.

This did help and we talked for a bit and helped me understand where we are at. and what we agreed on is exactly what you said, as in limited positive talk until we can meet again.

And although that helped a ton, I still have severe anxiety, depression and ADD. I get bored fast, REALLY fast. and today I got fully bored of all the activities and hobbies I have been doing, and when that happens is when my mind ignores all other feelings and fixates on how much I miss her(especially with her being the one thing I never got bored of no matter how much time we spent), when that happens I start trying to reach out, most of the time they push back again, and I start getting really anxious, and confused all over again. Overthinking, over reaching, guilt, anger, depressive episodes. You name it.

Right now this is happening and if not for your reply I was probably gonna keep building resentment and over reaching again, but thankfully I manged recognise that and stopped my self.

The issue here is, I know as much as these feelings are unhealthy and its good to learn to recognise them and not act in the wrong way because of them, as much as I know I feel this way because I am not having my needs met.

Ik shes starting to get better, I truly am incredibly proud and happy with her efforts, but its EXTREMELY difficult to put all my needs that come from her aside, especially being as impatient as I am.

So, I will keep on trying my best to work on m part and manage my emotions, but is there any thing I can do to get my needs without scaring the off, or worse make them feel obligated to be there when they dont have the energy which would get them hooked again?
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« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2020, 05:44:35 AM »

hi throwingsomesand,

two things, unfortunately, apply here:

1. you cant have your needs met, realistically, when you are far apart.
2. you cant have your needs met, realistically, when your loved one is spiraling with drug addiction.

you cant have the relationship you want, realistically, when either of those are the case. your loved one is preoccupied with the fact that you arent there, and they are preoccupied with drugs. and a preoccupation with drugs really rules your life.

it may seem entirely counterintuitive toward your goals, but right now, you are in the difficult position of being a caretaker. that roles comes with both risk and opportunity.

the article that I Am Redeemed can shed a lot of light on both. reread it, if you havent already.

the thing about anxiety, about bpd, about ocd, is that we all have certain limits, certain lines we wont cross. my ex would say some really messed up things, but there were certain lines she wouldnt cross. when i was younger, i messed around with drugs, but there were certain drugs i wouldnt go near.

so when you talk about things that dont necessarily help the relationship, yes, its good to recognize them. like any bad habit, you set what the incentive is, for doing it, or not doing it. you know that some of these things are hurting your efforts to reconnect. simply put (and easier said than done) the solution is not necessarily suppressing them, but finding alternative outlets. overthinking, guilt, anger, depressive episodes, those are one thing, they happen, theyre human, we have all experienced them in some form, and the key is finding healthy ways to cope. reaching out in combative way is a way of coping, but its not necessarily helping you achieve your goals.
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throwingsomesand

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: dating
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« Reply #6 on: September 27, 2020, 10:02:14 PM »

I need more help...

My GF is confusing the Sh*t out of me. So her best friend is a very close friend of mine as well and we kinda support each other through trying to help her. for a while now we both agreed that she seems to be doing great, I've been doing my best to limit our interaction since i don't want to "make her relapse to be able to be there for me" 4 days ago she messaged me saying that she misses me a lot, I said I do as well and we talked a bit before I shared my concern with her and carefully asked if she had relapsed(since usually whenever she start talking a lot in a sweet manor she has relapsed to "be there for me"). She said not at all shes officially clean for 2 weeks now.

We talked a lot for 2 days all positive and sweet and all that she even shared that she is getting overwhelmed and thinks that the progress shes doing is not worth the effort, I did my best to re-motivate her and it seemed to work.

Yesterday I woke up to a bunch of texts from her asking me if i am there and to reply. I told her sorry I was just asleep. she suddenly started going back to splitting and giving me the silent treatment, although i was frustrated since she knew i had stayed over 20 hours awake before that working, I sucked it up and asked whats wrong. After a lot of struggle i got out her that she "went through 2 ODs and I wasn't there for her". At that point I kinda assumed that she had a "test" planned out for me but I didn't show up. she later then complacently stopped discussing the subject when I started asking questions about why she relapsed or how, completely refused to answer any thing. I was stressed my self so I let it slide expecting to go back to our "break". she then messaged me again all sweet and apologetic and honestly i fell for it and started talking again we stopped talking on a good note knowing previously mentioned friend is coming over. I said okay have fun and good night.

Today, I wake up to a voice record of said friend telling me to stop talking to her since she had relapsed again to be there for me, I explained to her what I talked about previously and she said but that cant be right she said "she had relapsed right after the last time she was there" that being the day she messaged me, and the same day I asked her if she had relapsed and she said no. According to what she told me she had relapsed the day she messaged me and I was asleep. Now both of us are confused as hell, both of us feel manipulated, both of us are pissed and obviously we cant share any of that with her.

what the H*LL do i do, I am all lost here. I didnt even ask her to be there for me, all i want is for that addiction to be out of the picture.
« Last Edit: September 27, 2020, 10:19:37 PM by throwingsomesand » Logged
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« Reply #7 on: September 29, 2020, 04:14:41 AM »

she may be manipulating you, tsa, but it may not be the sort of carefully thought out, crafty manipulation it feels like it is.

to have borderline personality disorder means an inherent lack of interpersonal skills, of coping skills. to be addicted to drugs, same.

this is a wild ride youre on, and going to be on, for the foreseeable future. if you have chosen this path, you need to go into it with eyes wide open, grasp whats going on; see that shes spinning wildly, see it for what it is, and not get too caught up in spinning with her.

i know. easier said than done. but the first step is really grasping what you are going into, and then building a plan.

i encourage you to really absorb the article below, and the one that I Am Redeemed previously linked to. read them and reread them, make them your mantra.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship
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throwingsomesand

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Relationship status: dating
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« Reply #8 on: September 29, 2020, 05:11:30 PM »

Here is a bit of good news for a change, Right after I posted the last reply things seemed to cool down for a moment until there was a sharp nose dive into the concrete.

I assume she had noticed that I was feeling a bit off about what happened, and that resulted in her giving me another "love test" with unrealistic expectations. out of no where I woke up to her texting me that she ran away from her family, this had happened before but this time she said shes in a whole other city. Of course, this made me sh*t my pants since I know very well how bad she is at handling her own and taking safe decision and last time something like this happened she almost got R**ed and was saved only by absolute sheer luck.

She was very unresponsive and kept loosing internet a lot since she has no data plan. This was all too much to bare and ever after trying to practice distress tolerance I still had a couple of severe panic attacks before I could grasp my self and calm down. After that, I reached out to her mother to check if she knew of the situation, she seemed to be quite panicked, but she told me they know where she is now and they're going to pick her up. 

I started calming down more and after she got home I had a long conversation with her and stood my ground well to show that I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour again. usually I get very worried that shed get upset if I do that so I just go with it and tell her im just happy you're okay. She did get quite upset that I "went hard on her" even though she had a horrible day  but I was sure this time that I followed DEARMAN and such well this time. and when I started too have too much of the conversation going no where I made sure to carefully see my self out of that conversation.

I did all that fully expecting her to get even more pissy and probably even retaliate and FOG me out, and she did try to do that right after so I completely stopped messaging her. To my surprise she messaged me about half a day after, completely owning up to all her mistakes in the past week and apologising, she also told me she understands if i need some space to deal with how i am feeling and she has no expectations for me to be okay with it right off. I told her I appreciate her apology and that I will take some time to cool off. we talked the next day and things improved quite a bit but I still made it clear that I stand by what I said and that if these things happen again I will not tolerate it.

Ik all of that might have just been her guilt or all of that can go out of the window in a moment if she has another bad episode, but more than anything I feel great for having stood my ground regardless of what her response would have been.

I will surly read the other article and I have been reading the first one often as well, I must have read it at least 10 times now XD but ill read it as many times It needs to stick.

Thanks a lot for the help so far, I truly appreciate it!
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« Reply #9 on: October 01, 2020, 03:29:37 AM »

if you say you wont tolerate something, be prepared to stand by it, and mean it, full stop.

because if it happens again, and you tolerate it, it will happen again, and you will most likely tolerate it, again.

im not telling you what to tolerate or not tolerate. im saying you played a strong hand. when you love someone with bpd traits, its critical to say what you mean and mean what you say. if you arent truly prepared to end the relationship if she does it again, i might revisit the conversation with her.

Excerpt
She did get quite upset that I "went hard on her" even though she had a horrible day  but I was sure this time that I followed DEARMAN and such well this time. and when I started too have too much of the conversation going no where I made sure to carefully see my self out of that conversation.

understand that to love someone with bpd traits means, in essence, to love a person with special needs.

tough love, for someone with bpd traits, can be a precarious thing.

its often not well received. or it is tentatively well received, and your loved one will tend to respond with extreme remorse and saying a lot of what you want to hear, all the while doubting your commitment, doubting your love, and perhaps even resenting you, over time.

i dont know if youre a religious man, but when it comes to loving someone with bpd traits, the story of the prodigal son is especially relevant. and whether you are, or arent, it might help to think of this in terms of if you had a child that wandered off, and got lost.

generally, dont lead with the tough love. lead with the love. thats not, at all, to say dont make your limits clear, or not to say your piece, or, again, to firmly stand by what you say. it is to say its not always what you say, when it comes to loving someone with bpd traits, but quite often, how you say it.
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throwingsomesand

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Relationship status: dating
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« Reply #10 on: October 01, 2020, 06:37:19 AM »

Yeah I fully understand what you mean.

Well as I did make it clear that I wont tolerate the same behaviour I also didnt mean that I would straight up leave it happens again. I mostly alluded that it would drive me off the more it happens. I know her very well and i could say I am very positive she got that by "not going to tolerate it" she didn't assume I meant leave, especially since she has a very distinct reaction that only comes up when she believes that what i meant. What I said was mostly something along the lines of, don't expect me to tell you its okay that you did that every time it happens, since that's what I usually used to do, and it started becoming apparent that she took that as a signal that she can PLEASE READ up as many times as she likes and I will always be okay with it.

On the other topic, I knew very early in the relationship that tough love doesn't work with her and I adapted to that, even before I knew what BPD even was. I also didn't go hard on her at all really, she just said that because she expects me to fully take her side and agree with all the reasons/excuses and I wasn't willing to do that. Regardless of that, I was very gentle and explained every thing in a very loving way, I just made sure to make it clear that I am not for how things were just then. I also only decided to retreat from the conversation when she started giving me the silent treatment / provocation through other things. and that was mostly because I also was trying to work on boundaries about that. I earlier expressed that I don't like being given the silent treatment and that if she cant talk more she should just tell me. she also knows very well that its very difficult to me to leave something unsolved, so in a way it seemed like she could tell that if i am more willing to leave than being treated like that then I REALLY didn't like to be treated like that.

I will make sure to pay more attention to your points, I sure hope that its not what happened with us. It seemed to go well, but I could also have just felt well about since this time it went my way, so i will be sure to be more careful. Thanks a lot for the advice!
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« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2020, 10:46:23 AM »

Throwingstones, your post sounds like something I would’ve written. I’m going through what you are right now. Actually, I think I’m on the other side of it after weeks of disbelief and frustration and indescribable heartbreak. It’s sad, and sadly fascinating how someone can be someone they’re not. But I look back now and man, it was a good time for two years!
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