Left Her Again - For Good This Time

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I left her last year and came back - and after nearly 1 year have left again.

I was in 2 minds about leaving - we are selling the house - and it would have been much better to sell and then leave - as it would solve some issues.

But frankly my experiences with her day to day have become so frightful - I made up my mind to leave today - hatched a plan - stuck to it - and left this morning. I literally grabbed my laptop and went barefoot in some old shoes to the car and drove away while she was waking up. She had begged me not to vanish on her - but I did it all the same.

She was becoming increasingly dangerous. On a trip to another city she started a fight when I said i needed the toilet before a shopping trip. She attached me with her mobile - favoured weapon - in the car and I had to pull over - a horrific fight ensued - she equals my strength - I could not get out of the car. This battle lasted 30 minutes.  

Two days ago in another row she aimed a sharp projectile at my eye and it struck my eyebrow - drawing blood. That was close and I made up my mind to get out before something irreversible happens.

I have been to a supermarket and bought some clothes. I changed in the toagilets and had to buy some scissors to cut off the tags etc and a young lady assistant commented on how much she liked my shirt. (yes my choice - not the drab clothes my wife buys for me) - wow I thoutght - when did I last hear something nice like that.

I have been in touch with the wife by email saying I am not coming back and suggesting various solutions for settling her somewhere and selling the house. She is blocking these and insisting I come back to sort it out. I have said no and if she wants to live in the house indefinitely I am prepared to pay for that. I also said I wont see her or talk to her on the phone.

Well wish me luck. I am seeing my mother for the first time in 15 years and she knows of a flat to let nearby so I may have a place to live.

[MrRight]

I left her last year and came back - and after nearly 1 year have left again.

I was in 2 minds about leaving - we are selling the house - and it would have been much better to sell and then leave - as it would solve some issues.

But frankly my experiences with her day to day have become so frightful - I made up my mind to leave today - hatched a plan - stuck to it - and left this morning. I literally grabbed my laptop and went barefoot in some old shoes to the car and drove away while she was waking up. She had begged me not to vanish on her - but I did it all the same.

She was becoming increasingly dangerous. On a trip to another city she started a fight when I said i needed the toilet before a shopping trip. She attached me with her mobile - favoured weapon - in the car and I had to pull over - a horrific fight ensued - she equals my strength - I could not get out of the car. This battle lasted 30 minutes.  

Two days ago in another row she aimed a sharp projectile at my eye and it struck my eyebrow - drawing blood. That was close and I made up my mind to get out before something irreversible happens.

I have been to a supermarket and bought some clothes. I changed in the toagilets and had to buy some scissors to cut off the tags etc and a young lady assistant commented on how much she liked my shirt. (yes my choice - not the drab clothes my wife buys for me) - wow I thoutght - when did I last hear something nice like that.

I have been in touch with the wife by email saying I am not coming back and suggesting various solutions for settling her somewhere and selling the house. She is blocking these and insisting I come back to sort it out. I have said no and if she wants to live in the house indefinitely I am prepared to pay for that. I also said I wont see her or talk to her on the phone.

Well wish me luck. I am seeing my mother for the first time in 15 years and she knows of a flat to let nearby so I may have a place to live.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Mr. Right,

Wow. You've had some pretty scary things happen to you. I am glad you are safe.

So you have reconnected with your mother? Does your wife know where she lives? Have you considered trying to get an order of protection against your wife?

I believe in your previous thread you said your son was back at college. Does he know that you have left? Has his mother escalated her behavior towards him (calling campus security if he doesn't reply to texts, etc.)?

The first few days and weeks after leaving can be kind of surreal. I remember thinking to myself that I was so grateful for the little things that others take for granted, like being able to adjust the temperature without being screamed at or go to sleep when I was tired without someone telling me I was selfish for not wanting to stay up and "talk" (which meant listen to him rant).

What do you plan to do if she promises again that she will change? Do you think these promises will carry any weight with you now that you have gone back to her once and seen that things only got worse?

[GaGrl]

I'm glad you are checking in with us after saying that September was your goal for leaving. Please let us support you.

I have many of the same questions as I Am Redeemed.

Are the physical attacks new or have they been going on since the separation last year? Violence is very concerning as you consider when or if to see her.

What do you anticipate her "strategy" will be to get you back into the house?

[MrRight]

Thank you both for your replies.

I am at my mum's now and its great to see her after 15 years! Yes she has aged a lot - she has been very hospitable and welcoming since I arrived. She has a nice little flat in a block for over 55s and the flat next to her is available. I will see it on monday and should be able to move in quickly and give my business some continuity.

I told my wife which town she lives but not where. She has no car so I cant see her coming here and anyway she is afraid of my mother. No I have not considered a protection order. I dont fear her now I have left.

My son knew I was going as I texted him the night before. He is glad. She has of course increased her attention on him for now but he seems to be containing it.

She is writing the same stuff she wrote last time - how much she loves me etc and how it will be different when I go back. She refuses to find a flat and leave the house and insists I need to return to help with the sale. But this is just strategy - behind the scenes I believe she will be trying to find a solution for herself. I have told her I wont come back and have the money to pay for her to live in the house for as long as need be. I said I had no desire to repair the marriage and want to move on to a new life.

The physical attacks have been going on for some  time - she is a hard puncher and accurate kicker. My arm aches at night where she hit me with her mobile. Hopefully it will clear.

I spent all day with my best friend and then drove to my mother.

Thank you for all your support - will check back with any new developments.

[MrRight]

Update.

Living with my mother at present which is great - catching up etc.

I left in a hurry so nearly all my business gear is at the house and I have some information from my son that she is going up to see him on thursday for 2 days. Im gonna use this chance to go to the house and use my spare key (she doesnt know I have one) to get into the house and take my stuff. This will no doubt infuriate her when she sees my stuff gone as she has been using this as leverage to get me to the house and "talk things over".

Im slowly getting back to serving my customers again and this is so important because the income is necessary to see it all through.

My wife in the meantime is bombarding me with emails saying "hope you're enjoying your new life while I pick up the mess you left behind" etc

She is blaming me one moments and pledging undying love the next.

I have been firm - no telephone contact and no meeting until the house is sold and we need to do the practical stuff - and then I intend to take a friend along to help out.

Life is getting better and better all the time though there is much to do to finally free myself.

My son - at university - is getting ready to draw boundaries with his mum - how much contact he is prepared to accept from her. He is totally fed up answering her 100 texts a day - skype for 1 hour per evening and unwelcome visits.

When this happens - she is abandoned by the 2 people who have been under her control for all these years - I do wonder what she will do.

My arm no longer aches at night as it has been 5 days since I was last struck repeatedly on the arm with a mobile phone.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm glad your arm is better.

She sends your son 100 texts a day plus makes him Skype for an hour? That is a huge pressure to deal with. I can't imagine how he is getting through classes and studying with all that going on.

I would definitely expect a huge extinction burst when he does set boundaries around communication with her.

Can you take someone with you to the house for a witness just in case she pops back up unexpectedly while you are there?

[MrRight]

I'm glad your arm is better.

She sends your son 100 texts a day plus makes him Skype for an hour? That is a huge pressure to deal with. I can't imagine how he is getting through classes and studying with all that going on.

I would definitely expect a huge extinction burst when he does set boundaries around communication with her.

Can you take someone with you to the house for a witness just in case she pops back up unexpectedly while you are there?

It would not be likely since she will be going 350 miles on the train to see her son and he will be reporting her movements to me. Once I know she is on the train back I will go.

Yes he has, as much as me in his short life - had to endure this dangerous cocktail of emotions and behaviour. Its harder for him since she will always be his mother. She also has him phone her at 5.50 am for a 20 minute chat, believing he goes to bed at 10 PM. In fact he is often up very late - he is a student. This will have to stop too.

Its all about HER needs.

I do hope she is going up to look at accomodation too.

She is threatening not to co-operate with selling the house if I continue to insult her in my email replies. She accused me of not being with my mother but with the young attractive woman at a nearby store I get on well with (absurd I am 56 she is mid 20s). I sent her a photo of my mother I took yesterday - probably should not have but I dont want her going around accusing me of running off with a young or any other woman.

I am living happily with my mother and thank goodness she is still alive and has her wits at 77.

I think because I came back before she thinks she can get me back again if she perseveres. I told her the circumstances have changed - son is near 18 and I have much more money now to satisfying all my expenses.

Am looking at a flat tomorrow - in the same block as my mother. She could do with me being around for a while as she is all alone here and needs my support.

[MrRight]

Getting now very desperate emails from her begging me to come back.

On Saturday last I went to the house knowing she would not be there and cleared out more of my stuff. This did upset her quite a bit.

My son is planning to cut down contact with her. That is going to be a massive blow. No idea what she will do about that as her supposed closeness with him is something she keeps highlighting in the aftermath of me going.

I admit I feel bad about the situation she is in - but it doesnt make me want to return to rescue her.

Still living with my mother - sadly she has issues herself (paranoid delusions) and she spends 30% of our talking time on this. She gave me the name of a psychiatric nurse she was seeing last year and I am going to get in touch with him. Out of the frying pan into the fire? Not quite - she's easy to live with but I do need to be patient with her claims etc. I need some professional advice about how to respond to her.

Working very hard - I need to earn a lot for the next year or so - but at least I decide when I work etc - totally different quality of life.

Well thanks for reading.

[GaGrl]

I'm glad you were able to get more of your belongings -- that has to make you feel more comfortable.

And you sound resolute. That's good!

Have you spoken with your son?

[MrRight]

I'm glad you were able to get more of your belongings -- that has to make you feel more comfortable.

And you sound resolute. That's good!

Have you spoken with your son?

yes have spoken with him.

he texted her today setting out his boundaries

the result is a compromise which keeps intact much of what she wants.

he is not entirely happy buy says it is some progress.

she continues to use him as a means to get me back. "it's hurting him" etc