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Overcome

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 5


« on: September 13, 2020, 08:07:02 AM »

Hi All

Stumbled across the site - well, actually - read an online article about mothers who have BPD and their relationship with their children. It resonated much more than I could ever have imagined. This article referenced this forum and I am beyond nervous about reaching out, although realise it's necessary.

I am the female only child of a single parent mother & have only now (early 40s - single & childless, any friend or potential romantic interest is deemed flawed by my mother). I now realise how fundamentally screwed up my upbringing has been & the negative impact it has had. I don't think I need to go into the details right now, as many of you will understand.

I have experienced being demonised and seemingly loved beyond measure. One of my more favourite examples; is running out of printer paper, so unable to print something for my mother & this leading to my being scolded, insulted & in the dog house for several days. This was despite my being in my 30s at the time, my apologies and explaining that the paper I had ordered online had not yet been delivered.

In contrast, birthdays summon over-the-top gifts (that I don't really want or need), cards and poems.

I have had a lifetime of feeling suffocated, being subjected to direct rage (verbal - one incident of a "hiding" when I was 10 & bought tonic water instead of picking up a bottle of lemonade from a shop a few meters from our home, which would happily have exchanged) and indirect rage, when the world & all in it are at fault, and I serve as a listening ear for hours at a time.

Needless to say, my flaws are regularly brought to my attention, with little self-reflection on her part.

My mother is socially isolated and a hoarder, with not great health. This makes my breaking physically free very difficult. However, I still believe it's possible.

Like many of you, I have lots of guilt about posting and believe somehow that she will find out...Crazy, I know.

Anyway, wishing you all strength, courage and peace.

Xx
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Methuen
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1732


« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2020, 10:37:32 AM »

Welcome Overcome Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
It kind of sounds from reading your story that you are seeing that some of the things in your mom that you thought were “normal”, you have realized aren’t normal at all.   For example, being either “all good” or “all bad” (black or white).  Am I on the right track?

Lots to process when that happens.  You've come to a good place.  We are supportive here, with a focus on healing, and learning to move forward without getting stuck.

I too am an only child.  I’m 58, married, and live in the same town as my “waif “ mother who is 84 and frail. She lives independently. I can relate to your story about the paper.

Does your mom live independently or with you?

Have you and your mom traditionally been close, despite her behavior, or more distant?

Excerpt
any friend or potential romantic interest is deemed flawed by my mother.

Have you already done some  reading about bpd?  Are you familiar with their intense fear of abandonment?  This fear drives their distorted behavior.  So she could see any close friend or romantic relationship you have as a threat to her relationship with you.  If you get married, she may struggle with fear she is being abandoned.  Thus the reason why she says they are all flawed... If this fits, it doesn’t come from a place of malice.  She believes these things, and believes she is looking after you.  It also meets her own needs.  If this fits, trying to reason with her would only invalidate her feelings, and probably cause a lot of drama.  This is why we say don’t JADE.

Are you aware of any trauma she had in her early life?  Either abuse, or loss of a parent?

I hear you on the suffocation.  And always being blamed.  Typical.

Are you familiar with the resources available on this site?  Let us know how we can best help.  
« Last Edit: September 13, 2020, 10:46:06 AM by Methuen » Logged
Overcome

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 5


« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2020, 12:15:04 PM »

Dear Methuen

Thank you for your reply.

I am actually a physician and did some Psychiatry training (about 2 years), which is why I am particularly annoyed with myself that I never noticed the BPD traits myself, even when a Psychiatry colleague suggested it, when I told her only a little bit of my story.

My mother lives withing walking distance and I see her daily. This is largely of her making, as she has no other social contact or social infrastructure. She also still wants to know my whereabouts, virtually at all times. Not doing so, results in an "outburst".

She & I have been very close, largely because we moved around a lot and the model I was taught that it the 2 of us against the world. Was and am constantly reminded: "We only have each other." Now, I just let her vent and rant, when her feelings about the world being against her reach fever pitch. I am fearful of sharing some of her less than positive traits.

Yes, she had a challenging childhood. Another of her sibling also sounds like he was isolated and angry, although had a wife & family

I think her mother had BPD too.

However, I think the real "kicker" was my father's infidelity, when I was 6. Her fear of abandonment was of course, heightened as a result and as a child, I was of course unaware.

I am slowly navigating the site, although so thankful to you for reaching out and grateful for any advice/suggestions.
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Methuen
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« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2020, 09:31:26 PM »

 
Excerpt
I now realize how fundamentally screwed up my upbringing has been & the negative impact it has had.
Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
In contrast, birthdays summon over-the-top gifts (that I don't really want or need), cards and poems.
Mmmn.  Sometimes with BPD, I think they get money and love mixed up.  To them it's the same thing?  For example, my mom has some strange ideas about what love is (sometimes childish ideas), but she definitely seems to equate "giving money" (or gifts when she was still physically able to buy them) with "love".  Her gifts to me, were often gifts that I think she herself liked, not things I wanted.  Now that I understand BPD though, it makes sense, because my mom saw me as an extension of herself, and kind of lived her dreams vicariously through me.  Since she saw us as "one", she couldn't have imagined I had no interest in some of those things.  As you are probably aware, those big gifts can be dangerous, as they have a way of sometimes having "strings attached", with expectations that follow.  Does any of this fit?

Excerpt
My mother is socially isolated and a hoarder, with not great health. This makes my breaking physically free very difficult. However, I still believe it's possible.
Yes, it is most definitely possible to break free.  Nobody here will say it comes easy though.  Many of us have navigated this road.  My mother is not a hoarder (so I haven't experienced that layer), but she has very complex health issues, and qualified for assisted living a year ago.  She declined/refused to put her name on a 2 year waiting list (age 84).  She is half blind, mostly deaf, physically disabled (uses a walker) has had back/2 hips/1 knee surgery, HBP, mini-strokes, heart issues...and so on, never mind the mental issues.  When she declined assisted living, I decided to myself, OK, I can't meet all your physical, emotional, social, and nursing needs (because that's what I had been doing) so I withdrew and let her figure it out.  Some would call it "tough love", but it wasn't, it was exactly what I needed to do to differentiate from her, and take back agency of my own life.  It also gave her the control she needed to do things her way.  I gave no advice.  If she asks for it now, I return with a validating question to prompt her to find her own answers.  This has forced her to solve her own problems, or take the risk that people (community health care workers) were going to see she couldn't cope on her own, and maybe "stick her into a home".  (Abandonment).  Well, she landed on her feet...for now, until the next fall and crisis.  She's had many bad falls over the last few years.  She is physically very weak.  She has a housecleaner, a gardener, I have done her grocery shopping through Covid etc etc, and she seems to find other people to do her million errands/jobs that she can't do herself.  I recently discovered that she even gets someone to gas up her car for her (about twice a year since she hardly drives anymore thankfully).  If I tried to be and do everything she "needed", I wouldn't have a life, and my marriage would be in trouble.  So it's definitely possible to break free, and I would argue necessary, unless you are willing to sacrifice other aspects of your own life such as a social life and romance, and personal "down time".  

Excerpt
She also still wants to know my whereabouts, virtually at all times. Not doing so, results in an "outburst".
Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Time to set gentle boundaries maybe, and differentiate from her?  This won't be easy.  She will say all kinds of unfair or unreasonable things to make you feel guilty. Try SET, when her fear kicks in?

You mention that your mom is socially isolated.  Was she always like that, even when you were a child?  Or has she gradually migrated to be socially isolated because she relies on you to meet her needs?  My FIL was socially isolated.  He chose to live in the basement of his daughter's house, where he even had to eat alone.  He just finally went into complex care at 87, and seems to be enjoying it.  Sometimes, we have to let them make their own choices, and experience the consequences.  Or they never have the chance to learn, because they (pwBPD) NEED to learn from their own consequences.

You mention feeling guilt in the context of posting on this forum.  You are probably familiar with FOG? https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog.  

Thanks for sharing you are a physician.  This made me feel better.  When I landed on this website a year ago (57 yrs) I knew nothing.  It's been a steep learning curve.  Looking back, there were many signs something was wrong, but it's hard to let go of the dream of having a wonderful mother, especially since there were times when she was wonderful.  But then the bad stuff would happen...and as my mom aged the bad stuff happened way more often than the good stuff, and then it became all the time...I've often face palmed myself for not figuring out she had mental health issues sooner...but how could we...this was our mother and we were kind of brainwashed from childhood about what our role was with her.  There was a certain kind of emotional enmeshment that was imprinted on us from day one.  We also thought we (mother and daughter) were "normal".  I'm not convinced that being a physician would necessarily mean you see the BPD any easier, for these reasons.  We're all human.  But now that you "realize how fundamentally screwed up your upbringing was and the negative effects it has had", I celebrate with you that you don't have the steep learning curve most of us (who aren't physicians) have.  BTW, in the year I've been on this forum, there's been quite a number of physicians on this parent board alone. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) It helps me be comfortable that I can stop face palming myself.  

« Last Edit: September 13, 2020, 09:43:30 PM by Methuen » Logged
Overcome

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 5


« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2020, 01:31:01 PM »

Dear Methuen

Thank you again. I admire how open you are about your experiences. I have always had shame & guilt, as on some level I have believed and the  "outside" world too, I have experienced positive parenting. However, this has been in part due to constant reminders about all the sacrifices she has made.

It has only been thanks to my reflection and now this forum, that I can tell myself the truth, which is a real breakthrough. I was always told never to tell anyone "our business", so being on this forum is a real breakthrough. Thank you to all of you

I am slowly learning about SET & FOG.

My mother has certainly become more isolated with age, although I can never really remember her having a "normal" social life and friendships were fraught and often tied up with money (her lending money).

Thank you again for helping me reflect, learn and grow.
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missing NC
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« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2020, 03:32:13 PM »

Overcome, you may come across Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson in your exploration/readings. It is the book that I see most often recommended to the daughters and sons of mothers with BPD. 

My mother was not full-blown but had definite traits.  (My materal grandfather was full-blown with antisocial traits and my sister is full-blown with strongly antisocial traits.) 

If your mom develops dementia, that will of course, add another layer of challenge.  So it's really positive that you are gleaning information and resources for establishing a "therapeutic" relationship with her before that happens. 
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Methuen
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« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2020, 05:20:28 PM »

Excerpt
I have always had shame & guilt, as on some level I have believed and the  "outside" world too, I have experienced positive parenting. However, this has been in part due to constant reminders about all the sacrifices she has made.
 Ah yes - this is the obligation and guilt in FOG - a tool pwBPD use to have their needs met - by us.  

Excerpt
My mother has certainly become more isolated with age, although I can never really remember her having a "normal" social life and friendships were fraught and often tied up with money (her lending money).
So she did the lending?  Did I understand that correctly?  Gifts of money from a pwBPD typically come with a lot of strings attached (which are used to control the other person to have their own needs met).  For example, "I paid for med school so now you have to look after me".  Just making that example up here, and not sure if it fits for your situation.   Obligation and guilt is a psychological tool that usually works well for them. We children oft oblige, to try to win our parents' approval and love.

Excerpt
It has only been thanks to my reflection and now this forum, that I can tell myself the truth, which is a real breakthrough.
 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
I was always told never to tell anyone "our business"
Ditto. Shame:  another psychological tool, made more powerful by "drawing the child" into the family "secret", and thus making the two of you a bonded "unit".  

Until the last year, I had little to no awareness of the level of emotional enmeshment I had with my mom my whole life.  I have worked hard this last year to differentiate from her, and learn to let go of my FOG.  For example, last night H and I each received a flurry of texts from her because her "phone wasn't working" (land line).  Over my lifetime, I have been trained to respond to her every little need.  In the past I would have telephoned her (out of genuine caring), and tried to solve this problem over the phone.  When the telephone method didn't work (impossible because she's acute ADHD, and half deaf), I would have been obligated to go drive to her house and try to solve her problem for her,promptly. But instead of doing that last night, I texted her back and asked her if her cell phone battery was charged (offered her an alternate solution which gave her agency).  Mid-morning today I called her land line, and she answered!  I'm letting her contact her phone provider herself if she truly has a problem she needs solved, since she wants to live independently and not go into assisted living.  But a year ago, I would have dropped whatever I was doing, and run to help her.  It's been quite a journey to get my life back. She had complete emotional control over me really.

All pwBPD are needy, and in my experience, a pwBPD will wear you into the ground with their needs and drama if you let them.  It gets worse as they get older, not better.  You mention that your mom has always reminded you about the sacrifices she has made for you.  To me this feels like the "debt" we hold because of their sacrifices can't ever be paid off by us.  I am always "owing".  I also never do enough, or I'm made to feel like I don't do it well enough.  Whenever something goes wrong for her, it also somehow becomes my fault, even if I wasn't present when it happened.  It's crazy.

Now that you have had your "breakthrough", my suggestion would be to start applying the tools from this website (never JADE, use SET, set boundaries, ask validating questions, practice radical acceptance) to disentangle from her somewhat, and let her live her life, while you live yours.  These two lives are different, but she may struggle with that (since she likes to know about your life and whereabouts and has an outburst if she doesn't). It is possible you may struggle too in the beginning. It is a bit of a journey to start "thinking and doing" differently.

I love my mom.  I understand she did her best, even with the emotional abuse.  In the beginning I felt so much guilt when I started to change how I reacted to her.  But I don't feel that guilt any more.  I'm not frustrated or angry any more.  I just feel sorry that she couldn't/wouldn't get the help she needed all her life, to heal her psyche from her early life trauma.  pwBPD are in so much pain, but they have a tendancy to project that pain in nasty ways onto their closest/intimate relationships.  Not helpful to anyone.  We also need to take care of ourselves and live our own lives.  That is our job.  Our parents' job is to "let us go" as we reach adulthood.  pwBPD struggle with that because of emotional issues, so we have to help them "let us go".  That's how I've come to see it at any rate.

NC mentioned dementia as another possible complication as they age.  A few years ago, after a mini-stroke, the doctor (a specialist) mentioned "binswangers" to my H and I.  Mom's cognitive capacity is definitely in transition.  But with all her physical (and undiagnosed emotional) issues, she refuses an offer to go an assisted living waiting list.  I've come to accept that I just have to "let her discover", or "let her fail" in her own way.  That was so hard to do.  Eventually the crisis will come which  results in a transition, probably to complex care rather than assisted living.  It's just really sad when we can't help a parent because of a mental illness.  Really sad. 

The journey to differentiation has it's roller coaster moments (especially in the beginning), but it does get easier Overcome.





« Last Edit: September 14, 2020, 05:38:57 PM by Methuen » Logged
Overcome

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« Reply #7 on: September 15, 2020, 01:24:45 PM »

Just to say thank you to Methuen & NC for sharing some of your experiences, for your insights and suggestions.

And yes, Methuen, she did the lending...

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Overcome

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« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2020, 01:43:04 PM »

PS. No, she didn't have to pay for me to go to med school, although I totally understand your point.

I actually started full-time work in my late teens (and went to med school later), so she wouldn't have to support me & she could stop work. I mistakenly thought that would stop some of her turmoil re: conflict with her work colleagues, to which I had to play a listening ear for hours each day. I now realise these conflicts and my listening were signs of the disorder and enmeshment...
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