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Author Topic: And She's on to Another One  (Read 556 times)
BlueSpring
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« on: September 16, 2020, 11:21:15 AM »

My ex is classical BPD in that she cannot be alone.  As a result, she'll shack up with anyone. 

Here's what's going on.  She calls me daily to tell me she loves me and begs me to move in with her.  She makes elaborate plans for the two of us.

But then, last summer she began a relationship with a guy she used to work with.  He claimed that he was madly in love with her in spite of not really knowing her.  She broke up with me so that he could move in with her.  This all happened very fast.  She treated him horribly.  She drank heavily, insulted him, spend time with me, locked him out, and finally threw him out in the most humiliating way.  Then she got back together with me.

We had the same tumultuous relationship as usual.  Then a few months ago, she began flirting online with an old classmate.  She lured him across country to move in with her.  That lasted 6 weeks before it blew up.  They fought constantly, the police were called, and he left.

He wasn't gone for a day or two when the guy from last summer showed up again.  He was stalking her on social media.  When she changed her relationship status to "single," he pounced, asking her what happened and weaseling his way back in.  He had been watching her on social media all this time.  As for her part, she never really let go of him, never blocked him, and she apologized to him. 

Now he's back.  What I don't get, and what bothers me the most, is that he was stalking her, and when he lived with her, he was obsessed with a very large investment account that she has.  I don't think anyone is that even tempered that they would put up with the abusive moods of a pwBPD.  I think the only people who could possibly live with them would be someone with no self-esteem who believe he/she doesn't deserve better, or someone with an ulterior motive.  And still, she calls me every day, asks me to move it, and makes elaborate plans.  Just last night, I called her, and this morning, she told me that he was there when I called.  He left the room, and she and I talked, and she asked me to move in with again.  I didn't know it at the time, but he was there, and he spent the night with her.  How screwed up is that!

I've warned her not to let him have access to or knowledge of her money, but who knows what she'll do.  I just had to type it all out.  I still care very much about her.  I've invested three years into this.  She's very unstable and vulnerable.  If I agreed to move in with her, she'd toss this other guy under the bus in a heartbeat.  But it seems as if he has an agenda of his own, and he can really cause some damage.  I'm not sure what to do, or if I should just let it go and tell myself that I did all I could to no avail.
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brighter future
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« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2020, 01:13:31 PM »

BlueSpring,

Like the old saying goes, You can't make this stuff up. The ability of the BPD person to lure in new victims and try to keep old flames on this hook is mind boggling. It's just pure insanity. I'm glad to hear that you still have the willpower to tell your ex NO!

My BPD ex-wife of nearly six years has been through several boyfriends since our divorce. Apparently they can figure it out after a while that something just isn't right with her, and they dump her and move on.  I can usually tell when she has someone on the hook because I rarely hear from her, and she tends to be more pleasant. The last 5-6 weeks, I'd noticed that she had been contacting me more often than usual and tended to be more confrontational than she had been. That made me wonder if her b/f of just shy of a year had dumped her. So, I went and trolled his social media page to find out and noticed that he was with a new woman. It looked like that started in the latter part of July. We have a child together (I have majority custody) so that is my  only reason for being in contact with her. Just last week I had gotten some handouts from our child's teacher asking us to install the classroom apps on our phone to keep up with assignments, announcements, etc. Anyway, I took photos of these handouts and forwarded them to my BPD ex-wife in a short, but courteous text message and said "Hey, I got these handouts a day or two ago from the teacher. Please install the two apps on your phone as soon as you can so you can keep track of what is going on in the classroom. Thanks!" I got a hateful reply back later on that night from her saying "You should have sent me those papers immediately and not waited a day or two! Do not tell me to install apps on my phone like I am your child! I am the other parent!" After her rant she said, "I installed the apps a short while ago."  After reading that nonsense, all I could do was sit there and say WTH?  That crazy text didn't even merit a reply, so I did not respond (learned that from the counselor). Maybe she'll get back on the dating site again soon and find someone else to occupy her mind. That way I'll get another break from her craziness. My child has also been telling me things about there not being enough food to eat in my ex-wife's house, etc. so that is a whole other issue that I'm trying to figure out how to address. My child doesn't want to go to her mother's on some of her weekend visits. When I ask her why, all she'll say is "It's just different over there." I hate that I have to send her when she doesn't want to go, but we have a parenting plan to follow.

Then we have my uBPD ex-g/f that I split from  5 months ago. It's hard to get away from her memory because her folks are next-door neighbors of mine, and she's there visiting 2-3 times per week on average. Her family all still keep in touch with me, and I talk with one regularly (mostly about other things, rarely about my ex-g/f nowadays). About six weeks ago, the relative told me that she's trying to rope her rebound guy into marriage after just over 4 months of dating. He said he's not interested in marriage. They said she seemed disappointed by that. I cut her out of my social media at the end of May and have ignored her since. She kept liking and occasionally commenting on my social media right up until I unfriended her. Last week, a mutual friend of ours announced that she and her husband were having a baby. I liked this friend's post and made a brief post to congratulate them. Two hours later I got a notification on my phone telling me that my ex-g/f liked my congrats post on our friends page. I found it odd that she did that, especially since I unfriended her nearly 4 months ago and haven't contacted her in any shape form or fashion since then. Also, there were over 6 dozen other comments on there, and she chose to like mine out of all of those?  My counselor believes that this is bait to see if I'll reciprocate in some way and advised me not to take the bait.

What you said about your ex keeping her other ex on her social media reminded me a lot of my situation. My ex-g/f was with her rebound (the guys she's back with now) before she was with me. She dumped him to start dating me and didn't tell me about him until we'd been seeing each other for about a month. I didn't figure out who he was until maybe 3 months or so after that, but she also kept him on her social media. He'd comment on her page from time to time, and she'd do the same on his. I guess that's how she kept him on the hook just like your ex did. Her family member told me that as soon as we broke up, he and 3 other guys started contacting her as soon as she changed her status to single. This family member acknowledges that my ex-g/f has serious emotional issues and said that it seemed like she was bragging and proud that she was getting so much attention from these 4 men. Of course, two weeks after our breakup she was out on a date with this rebound guy and was in a committed relationship with him two weeks after that.

All I can do is just sit here and shake my head at all of the insanity with these two woman that I've had in my life. I try not to let it have power over me, but some days it's impossible to escape the craziness completely.

Hang in there and try not to let your exes craziness to get to you either. Have you asked her to quit calling you? I know that must get old!
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BlueSpring
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« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2020, 03:55:00 PM »

Hi Brighter Future,
Thanks for talking to me.  I guess I need a friend now.  Your story and mine sound a lot alike.  She's kept this guy on the hook for over a year now.  At first she blocked him, but then slowly went back to him.  He's been stalking her on social media. 

I told her today that she should see red flags from a guy who tells huge lies about himself and constantly self-promotes, telling her how great he is.  And that he's been stalking her waiting for an opportunity to weasel his way back in.  He's obsessed with her investment accounts and her properties.   

She tells me it's just "physical" that they're just having sex. (not something I want to hear about)  But I smart enough to know that it's going to develop into something more, and this guy doesn't go away.  He wants her money and her properties.  It's not good to be rich and unstable.  You attract bad people that way. 

I told her if she chooses to ignore the red flags, then she'll have to face the consequences.  I hate to think of what those consequences will be.   

Right now, she's helping me with some work I need done on my house.  So I guess I feel obligated to be nice to her.  No, it's more than that.  I care about her because she's so incapable of helping herself. 

I need to talk right now, so I hope others out there will talk to me.  I need a little support.   Thanks.
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« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2020, 01:52:21 AM »

Excerpt
I don't think anyone is that even tempered that they would put up with the abusive moods of a pwBPD.  I think the only people who could possibly live with them would be someone with no self-esteem who believe he/she doesn't deserve better, or someone with an ulterior motive.  And still, she calls me every day, asks me to move it, and makes elaborate plans.  Just last night, I called her,

i ask this gently, BlueSpring, and in the interest of helping you detach, if that is your goal.

are you one of the gentlemen on the hook?

there is something in seeing yourself in comparison to these guys, and being the guy that she vents to. i know.

is it something thats ultimately helpful for you when it comes to detaching?
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BlueSpring
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« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2020, 02:18:46 PM »

Once Removed,
Yes, I'm sure I'm one of the guys on the hook.  I was ready to walk away from her and say to hell with it all until this other guy showed back up.  I'm convinced he's some kind of predator.  Here's why:
1. Although they once worked together, she barely knew him, and when he connected with her last summer, things moved way too fast.  She has money and property, and I'm pretty sure that's what he's after.  He moved in with her after just a few days.  When she broke up with the last guy who moved in, a few months ago, with her, he was back in her life that very day.

2. He lies about himself.  He's told her that he's a NASA engineer but that he doesn't work at NASA because being an hourly employee at some low paying company is "more fun."  He's worked at that dead end job for the last 30 years. 

3. He's getting older and never planned for his retirement, so he's looking to move in to her house.

4. He stalked her for over a year.  After she threw him out last summer, she blocked him, so he tried to reconnect on social media with a fake profile. 

5. Now he's back with her, and she says is all just purely physical.  That she doesn't love him, and he doesn't love her. 

6. He's too agreeable.  He agrees to everything she says and goes along with all of her abuse without getting upset.

None of that crap adds up.  What kind of a person tell lies like that about himself?  What kind of a creep stalks someone?  Who watches someone then weasels their way back into their life right after a break-up?  Who stands still for horribly insulting verbal abuse and just takes it?

I'll tell you who.  A predator with an agenda. 

Now that she's mixed with this POS, I feel remiss to leave her in his hands.  That's what's going on with me right now, and this is why I'm so upset. 
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« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2020, 02:49:17 PM »

I am sorry you had to suffer through all this. I can feel the pain and anger in what you write.

I had my share of emotional cheating and triangulation in my r/s which recently ended. So I feel you. And I used to be the insecure guy who used to snoop on my partners when they were showing signs of infidelity. This drove me completely nuts. The anger, the agony that this very act of focusing on what they were doing, or what they could have been doing, just fueld my insecurities and morbid imagination. When one of my ex partners was doing this, lying, and I was obsessing over it to the point of even finding out who the guy was, I felt physically sick, I felt physically sick with anger and anxiety. And because of that I couldn't think straight. I couldn't even feel emotions that were apropriate to feel then beyond anger. And I learnt this: giving a single thought to the detailed reality of cheating, some infidelity, or monkey-branching, or rebound partners - brings nothing but the pain.

You are so much better not knowing this stuff. It doesn't concern you. It only concerns you if you look through the lense of comparison to the other dude. And that is a slippery slope into some real self esteem issues and madness

If you are anywhere close to how I have been, I bet you are giving this guy and her more emotional attention than you are giving yourself, when it is you who should be the center of attention now. You are hurt. You should feel emotions and care for yourself.

The truth of the reality is that she either cheated or was lying or moved on to someone. But the details of it, who the guy is, when, where, what - it should not concern you, don't give it a single thought - unless there are children involved and detachment is difficult. I understand it is easy to say but hard to do. The guy could be a pos, like you called him, or he could be more similar to you than you want to believe. It makes no difference.But believe me I went through similar jealousy bursts, and they leave you in worse state than the cheating itself. Anger masks what you should be feeling towards yourself - compassion, and not comparison to anyone else. You should focus on detaching, not cockiness in how much of an ***hole the guy is.

But don't get me wront. It is also normal to feel this way. Feeling territorial, jealous, or in contempt even are all valid emotions. But there comes a point where you should all take that in. Do you realise the r/s is over? You don't want to be the guy who spies on your ex or romantic interest? Sorry to be blunt, and forgive me if I am reading this wrong, and I am honeslty intuiting this from how I acted, so I could be off completely: but would her choosing you over the guy build your self esteem? Where is this need for comparison coming from?

I am sorry for your suffering.
« Last Edit: September 17, 2020, 02:59:35 PM by dindin » Logged
BlueSpring
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« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2020, 03:57:31 PM »

Maybe all of that would be fine if she didn't call me every day and tell me how much she loves me.  And didn't call me every day and tell me what's going on.  I'm not stalking her.  She's trying to stay connected to me. She declares she doesn't love him and is just using him because she can't stand to be alone.  Then she tells me that she wants me to move in with her, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she's cheating on me right now. I don't want her after she's been with him, but I still care about what happens to her especially because I think she's in danger.  All of that would be fine if she weren't in danger from a duplicitous predator who is going to take advantage of her instability and neediness in order to steal everything she has.  She' playing a dangerous game, and this a-hole is a sociopath. 
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dindin
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« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2020, 04:10:08 PM »

Maybe all of that would be fine if she didn't call me every day and tell me how much she loves me.  And didn't call me every day and tell me what's going on.  I'm not stalking her.  She's trying to stay connected to me. She declares she doesn't love him and is just using him because she can't stand to be alone.  Then she tells me that she wants me to move in with her, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she's cheating on me right now. I don't want her after she's been with him, but I still care about what happens to her especially because I think she's in danger.  All of that would be fine if she weren't in danger from a duplicitous predator who is going to take advantage of her instability and neediness in order to steal everything she has.  She' playing a dangerous game, and this a-hole is a sociopath.  

Isn't the only person here in danger: you? She seems to be doing fine. She is doing way better than you from what you're saying. At least in the way of the BPD. Why are you downplaying what she is doing to you? Why do you allow it? Sorry to be blunt, but you seem to be projecting her evil onto the guy, someone you don't even know - and I can bet you have more in common with him than you care to admit. I was in the same boat. And you know her, she is not a child, and she is not your responsibility. The only responsibility you have is towards yourself. You also seem to be getting some pleasure in being her confidante and comparing yourself to a person whom you do not know. When it comes to a woman who doesn't give a **** about you, you say she needs saving? You say she calls you and tells you she loves you and that's why you do it - would a loving person do these things to you? String you along, parade her sexual life in front of your eyes? Really? I know this dynamic is hard to l come out of, but you are the source of your own suffering here.

Would I be saving someone drowning who would consciouslly drag me in to certain death just for **** and giggles? That's not bravery, that's not love - that's being the ultimate doormat. Look really deep into your own motivations why are you in this mess.

And good sir, you tell that it would be well if she didn't call you. You do realise it takes two people to have a conversation right? You don't have to answer, it's as simple as that. If you want to detach, what you are doing is just the oposite.

I am not trying to invalidate you or anything, I understand how hard it must be and am sorry for your suffering, still you posted in: learning and detaching after a failed relationship. So excuse my bluntness - it's just my opinion, sorry if it's too harsh or just plain stupid. Tell me if it is.
« Last Edit: September 17, 2020, 04:28:30 PM by dindin » Logged
Cromwell
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« Reply #8 on: September 17, 2020, 04:10:12 PM »

is this in any way making you feel triangulated into becoming "the rescuer"?

it was hard to break up the triangle but until I did it sucked the life out of me in terms of energy.

if in your situation my goal would be to do my best to split them apart, it would involve complete withdrawl of myself out of the situation. then it raises the temperature between BPD and sociopath with nowhere to vent off that pressure.
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BlueSpring
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« Reply #9 on: September 17, 2020, 10:07:57 PM »

You're on to something, Cromwell.  As long as she knows she has me as her safety net, she'll be as arrogant and reckless as she wants to be.  She's like a teenager who knows that Daddy will always bail her out.  I can let her go down this dangerous path, but the stakes are high.  She got a huge settlement from her divorce, and this a-hole wants it. 
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« Reply #10 on: September 17, 2020, 10:15:54 PM »

Hey Bluespring,

I have to mirror what Din Din said. From outside in, it looks like you are still wanting to play protector of someone who is an emotional abuser and it looks as though you are sacrificing your self worth to do so.

My opinion - only an opinion - is that it isn't your responsibility to stop an ahole from taking her money. She's a big girl.

Edit - I read something earlier that said "I miss you" does not mean "I choose you". And we all deserve to be chosen by someone we love. Anything less is treating ourselves without self respect.
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« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2020, 02:38:38 AM »

i get that you care about her, and her well being. thats a noble thing.

i get that the situation/relationship is confusing. shes calling you, praising you, bashing him, leaning on you. its hard to walk away from that.

remember what they say about actions vs words.

if shes in a relationship with this person, and saying these things about him to you, is it possible that shes saying similar things to him, or to someone else, about you?

i dont know your ex, but ive seen this kind of thing before (ive been involved in this kind of thing before), and usually, none of it is very reliable.

three things add up completely:

1. she is in a relationship
2. you are very connected to her
3. youre struggling

its not really my style to tell you to kick her to the curb, to cut her off. you may not be ready to do that, and sometimes that can make things worse anyway.

i would say that the very nature of the relationship you currently have is problematic for you, for your detachment process, for your mental well being.

if you want a relationship with her (of any kind), i dont think you want it to be in this format.
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« Reply #12 on: September 18, 2020, 09:46:34 AM »

Okay.  I get it.  I posted this on the wrong thread.  Sorry.  No one else need reply.  I'll remove it as soon as I can figure out how.
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« Reply #13 on: September 18, 2020, 12:17:31 PM »

BlueSpring,

I wanted to add something really fast that I forgot to include in my last post to you. I can really sympathize with you worrying about your ex-g/f, as I went through the same thing with my ex-g/f. Honestly, I'm still concerned about her well-being as well as her two children. They were a part of my life for two years. She's so consumed with her emotional issues that she has great difficulty functioning on her own, and she and both of her children have become mentally and physically unhealthy. Being the rescuer I am, I began owning all of their issues (mental, physical, financial, etc.) which began to consume me. As many on here will tell you, you can only be emotionally responsible for yourself. There is so much truth in that statement.

Things had gotten so bad for me emotionally following my breakup with my ex-g/f. My counselor as well as some close family and friends showed me some tough love sometime back in June. Each person's words were a little different, but the common theme was this: You've got to pull yourself together for your sake and your child's sake. You've got to let her go and let her and her children's issues go, too. Stop owning their issues and take responsibility for your life and only worry about what you can control. She's on a destructive path. That's her choice, and you can't control that. Her family are the appropriate people to take action if action needs to be taken.  My counselor told me this "Practice compassion for her from a distance. Do not reengage yourself into this situation/triangle."  Doing that only causes more pain and confusion.

I wish you all the best in the coming days.
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« Reply #14 on: September 19, 2020, 08:52:35 PM »

She tells me he's just her "F Buddy."  But she uses him as a weapon against me.  I have a very platonic friend who doesn't like the BPD, and the BPD has never let me forget it.  I have been badgered, often with violence, to remove this platonic friend from my life.

As fate would have it, the platonic friend and I have had a bit of a falling out.  We've been keeping our distance from each other.  But the BPD insists that I text this friend and tell her I'm with Miss BPD ever time.  I told her that I don't want to stir up any more conflict and that I won't text her.  The BPD threated to call Platonic friend.  I strongly, and loudly, advised her not to because I think Platonic friend has a restraining order.

But BPD flew into a rage and told me she "chose" her Narcissist F-Buddy.  After telling me all day that they aren't in love, they're just using each other, but she says she "chooses" him.

I did some research on the BPD/Narcissist relationship, and it's a toxic mess.  The Narc is constantly nagging around for attention and validation, and he'll stick around as long as he's getting it.  And the BPD clings to the Narc because she believes his constant attention getting antics are some weird show of love. 

I'm still very angry tonight, and I hope the destroy each other.
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« Reply #15 on: September 19, 2020, 09:42:50 PM »

Hey BlueSpring,

I'm sorry you are going through all this.

From my perspective, I think you need to ask yourself what you want and set yourself on going after that.

I can't read your mind, but I can see deep hurt and a longing to have validation from someone incapable of giving it to you. She told you she chose him. You deserve to be chosen by someone you love. So you deserve better than the treatment you're getting.

If you're like me - no idea if you are - then you've allowed this woman's opinion and treatment of you to determine your self worth. It hurts so much to be used and abused by someone you thought loved you.

Truth is, this woman sounds like a monster. Who she first showed you she was, is not who she is. Who she is showing she is now is the truth.
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« Reply #16 on: September 20, 2020, 03:35:19 PM »

Hi Grumpydonut,
Indeed, she is a monster, and I don't think she's choosing this Narcissist anymore than she chose me.  She just has an ongoing, spinning wheel of "possibilities," and whoever is at the top of the wheel at the moment is her "chosen" partner. 

I've been reading a lot about the Narcissist/BPD relationship, and it's a toxic mess. 

In short, they're both monsters, and I hope they destroy each other.  As for me, I've blocked her, and I'm seeing about getting a restraining order tomorrow.

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« Reply #17 on: September 21, 2020, 03:07:27 AM »

Hi Bluespring,

Has she recently given you a reason to get a restraining order? I also considered this with my ex (as she was stalking my social media accounts, added me via a fake account and contacted my friend) but looking deeply into myself I saw it was just a way for me to get "payback". It would have been a terrible thing to do, as I never felt in danger or in need of the legal protection.

If she's constantly having a go at you and contacting you despite you telling her to stop, hen you definitely have grounds. But I was more under the impression that you two were allowing the contact.

Again, apologies if I'm off the mark. If not, think of it like this: What would you do if she got a restraining order against you that you didn't think you deserved? What would be your reaction? With a person with BPD, I would assume it would only escalate things in a bad direction.

I'm not religious anymore, but I do think there is great wisdom in some Christian words, so I'll add this:

"Don't be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good".

Don't be like her.

Anyway, keep us posted, Blue.
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« Reply #18 on: September 21, 2020, 01:05:39 PM »

Truth is, this woman sounds like a monster. Who she first showed you she was, is not who she is. Who she is showing she is now is the truth.

Mine was just the opposite. She first told  me who she was in the beginning of the relationship and said that wasn't who she wanted to be (using people for sex as as a coping mechanism to feel temporary comfort in times of pain) and said that she wanted to lead a good, stable life with someone that truly loved and respected her.  I believed her and ignored the red flags. Now she's back to doing the same things because it's who she really is and who she wants to be. I guess she told me who she really was in the beginning so maybe it could  be used an excuse for her poor behavior in the future.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #19 on: September 22, 2020, 05:03:02 AM »

Mine dropped hints via things such as "you'll need to be strong to deal with me" and "you make me want to be a better person". Things that reveal the instability underneath. But she never actively told me who she was.
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« Reply #20 on: September 22, 2020, 07:57:30 AM »

Mine dropped hints via things such as "you'll need to be strong to deal with me" and "you make me want to be a better person". Things that reveal the instability underneath. But she never actively told me who she was.

I heard similar things as well including, "Are you sure you want in on all of my crazy?" and "You're a different kind of man, and I'm better because of it" and "You complete me."

Like I've said before, we'd known each other for 18 years before we started dating. After our first 3 or 4 dates, I told her that I appreciated her acting like a lady and considered that a rare quality these days. She said in reply, "What is your definition of a lady?" In reply I said it was a woman that respected themselves as well as others. Her reply to that was, "I like that. That sounds like someone I'd like to be someday" (red flag). So, using her own words, she didn't see herself as being a lady. Throughout our entire relationship, she had a very poor self image and very low self worth. It was really heartbreaking for me to see her look at herself like that.

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« Reply #21 on: September 22, 2020, 08:18:58 AM »

I got "best person I've ever met" while her ex told me he got "life-changing". Yet she cheated on us both. I find it rather ironic that BPD, an illness defined by instability, is so consistent.
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« Reply #22 on: September 22, 2020, 08:40:14 AM »

I got "best person I've ever met" while her ex told me he got "life-changing". Yet she cheated on us both. I find it rather ironic that BPD, an illness defined by instability, is so consistent.

I forgot about this comment from her: "There's been so many firsts for me in my relationship with you." Her nickname for me was "Wonderful", and she called me that probably more than she addressed me by my first name.

Consistent instability is correct. Her inconsistent moods, constantly changing viewpoints, etc. caused me to not know if I was coming or going with her. One day I kindly told her, "I'm just looking for a little consistency here" in the relationship. Her reply was, "I am not consistent, nor do I want to be. I want to grow and change every day." Someone here on the forum referred to this as a constantly moving goal post if I remember correctly. How true.
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« Reply #23 on: September 22, 2020, 08:58:13 AM »

Yes, I can relate. I would love to know how her current relationship is going. 6 months now. She moved her entire life to another country to be with me and then cheated within 4 months, so surely bad things are happening underneath her mask by now.
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« Reply #24 on: September 22, 2020, 09:30:26 AM »

Yes, I can relate. I would love to know how her current relationship is going. 6 months now. She moved her entire life to another country to be with me and then cheated within 4 months, so surely bad things are happening underneath her mask by now.


Yes, they can only keep up the charade for so long. It's unreal what these people will do and say to attract someone else and get into a relationship then do destructive things to sabotage it a short time later.

A month after I started dating my ex-g/f is when she told me about the affair she had with the guy she's with today. This started shortly after she left her ex-husband and before she and I started seeing each other. While she was was sleeping with the rebound guy, she was sexting with a former classmate that moved across the country several years ago (she shared this all with me as well and there were supposedly two other men in the mix also).  This guy is married and tried hooking up with her for fun when he was back in town for Christmas in 2018. My ex-g/f's ex-husband hacked into her Messenger account after they separated and saw these explicit messages and confronted her about it. I'm surprised he didn't use it against her in the divorce. Someone told me after she and I split  that her ex-husband caught her talking to this guy before they ever separated.  The sad thing is, I continued on with the relationship after she shared this stuff with me. I was stupid enough to believe it when she told me that's not who she was or who she wanted to be.

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« Reply #25 on: September 22, 2020, 07:49:06 PM »

I can relate a lot. There were plenty of red flags. When we started, we agreed to be "exclusive" sex buddies (not the best way to start something, is it), yet later she admitted that she slept with someone else when I ignored her texts. Then when we broke up for a bit, she kissed my friend. When I confronted her, she cried and begged, so I started dating her again (me being very stupid, revealing some core wounds about myself for which I'm now in therapy). Then, 4 months after moving across the world (UK to Australia) to be with me, she cheated. She begged me not to leave her and said she'll "do anything". But for the next 6 months, nothing changed. Same depression, same emotional withdrawal, same insecurity. Then she claims she needs space to get better and, after three months of her playing mind games with me (probably unintentionally, but who knows) she leaves me to start dating the guy she cheated on me with (who "meant nothing").

I understand BPD as a mental illness, I also think there is an element of simply being an immoral person. Mine was diagnosed with the majority of BPD traits, low-level autism and OCD (which I also have), but sometimes I read stories and think "that's just a bad person who wasn't raised with a moral compass".
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« Reply #26 on: September 22, 2020, 09:10:42 PM »

Wow.  It's like they're made in a factory from the same blueprint.

Mine told me, "just so you know, I have a bad temper, and if I say something mean to you, just know that I don't mean it."  Red flag.  And all of the cheating that she denies is cheating.

She began dating me in July, and then she got some creep from some dating site on the hook. She connected with him in November. The creep called her once at 2:00 in the morning while I was sleeping right next to her.  After our first fight, she called the creep, and he came running over.   

Then I found the steamy messages she left open on the same dating site with some other creep who was asking her for dirty picture of herself.  I got even with him.  I sent him pictures of naked, morbidly obese men, and cussed him out.

She also had an old classmate who ran across country to move in with her.  That lasted less than two months before it all blew up.  She also had an old boyfriend, who is now married, who traveled from another state to hook up with her.  She flirted with him for months behind my back.  I found a Valentine he sent her.  He signed it and used his actual address as the return address on the envelope.  I threatened to tell his wife, but I saw that on her social media she posted a picture of him and her together surrounded by little hearts.  I couldn't do that to her.  I didn't have the heart to tell her that her husband was cheating on her.  My ex did enough to destroy him by calling his place of business and telling all of his co-workers that he was cheating on his wife.

There have been so many others that I've lost track of them all.

Now it's this Narcissist she's involved with.  He's never going to leave no matter what she does to him.  He's basking in what he thinks is an elevated status by living in her big, expensive house.  He's basking in the attention and validation she pours all over him.  He's basking in his delusion of entitlement.  But the truth is that my ex's ex-husband was also a Narcissist, and that marriage ended in resentment and repulsion.  They hate each other.  I'm hoping she starts to resent and hate this Narcissist too before he takes her for everything she has. 

But tonight my heart hurts for her.  I don't know why.  It doesn't make sense.  Why would I want someone who treated me so bad?  I don't get it.  I know I'm better off without her.  I worry about her because she's an alcoholic and she's exhibiting the symptoms of alcoholic cardiomyopathy.  Actually, the symptoms are more like heart failure.  If she doesn't get treatment, I hate to think about what will happen.  And I vacillate.  Sometimes I see her as a monster, and sometimes I see her as helpless soul.  Sometimes I'm convinced that I've done all I can do, and sometimes I think there might be a chance for her.  Please don't lecture me about the "knight in shining armor" thing or the "rescuer" thing.  I already know I do that.   
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« Reply #27 on: September 22, 2020, 09:46:24 PM »

BlueSpring,

You already know the answers to most of that you ask, but it appears too early for you to accept what you know as true.

Why it hurts so much despite you knowing it's bad for you? If you're like me, it's because you have a desire to be loved - maybe accentuated by the fact you didn't feel love when you were younger - and you've attached your level of self worth to how this woman views you. This, as you know, is folly, as how a mentally ill person acts and views you has really nothing to do with you. It didn't mean anything when she idealised you, and it doesn't now that you've been devalued.

As for the remainder of what you wrote, I notice that you place a lot of the blame on the other men. Yes, they may be bad people. But it was her that was on dating sites, her that motivated them to ask for nudes, her that implied they could call her at 2am while next to you. It's her. Not them. Her.

And, I get the want to protect. But if she loses all her financial wealth? Who cares. It's not your problem, and that was her decision!

There's going to have to come a point where you start to focus on you, not her, and I'm not saying it's right now because I'm not you and we all need our own time.

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« Reply #28 on: September 23, 2020, 03:29:36 AM »

BlueSpring,


Why it hurts so much despite you knowing it's bad for you? If you're like me, it's because you have a desire to be loved - maybe accentuated by the fact you didn't feel love when you were younger - and you've attached your level of self worth to how this woman views you. This, as you know, is folly, as how a mentally ill person acts and views you has really nothing to do with you. It didn't mean anything when she idealised you, and it doesn't now that you've been devalued.



As for the remainder of what you wrote, I notice that you place a lot of the blame on the other men. Yes, they may be bad people. But it was her that was on dating sites, her that motivated them to ask for nudes, her that implied they could call her at 2am while next to you. It's her. Not them. Her.




You're right, I didn't have a lot of love when I was younger.  My brother is a Narcissist, and he made my life a living Hell.  That's why I hate Narcissists so much.

As for the other men, they're all creeps, and, yes, she's the one who invites the creeps in.  And she's either stupid or sleezy for doing that, but that doesn't make them any less creepier.  I guess they just disgust me for existing. 

I appreciate your concern for me, and I thank you for writing back to me.  I'm in a really dark place right now.  I seem to be in a conflict with my logic and my emotions.  And while I know that she has BPD, I can't understand why she's not willing to do the work our relationship needed.  Instead, she grabs the first a-hole who does what she wants.  Or seems to.  He's a Narcissist with ulterior motives.

And again, you're right.  I need to turn my back and walk.  But then I think about the danger she's in from a narcissistic predator and from her heart condition, and it's hard not to look back.  I'm in a terrible place.  I guess I just have to keep typing it out here.

Thanks for caring, grumpydonut, and for your words of wisdom. 
« Last Edit: September 23, 2020, 03:43:58 AM by BlueSpring » Logged
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« Reply #29 on: September 23, 2020, 04:36:00 AM »

It can be frustrating when people say "I understand" but I do. I am about five months further down the path than you, and still there are days (like today) where life is truly awful. It takes time + doing the right things for yourself.

I can tell you that I saw a photo of my ex and her bf last night, and I truly didn't care. However, what hasn't healed is the core wound she opened up concerning how I view myself and my level of self worth.

She may have a heart attack. She may get robbed by a narcissist. But at the end of the day, she is a grown women with free will and you should let her take those risks. There's nothing you can do. If you try to fix her, she will push you away and likely paint you as a stalker to her new man.

I definitely understand logic and emotions being in conflict throughout this process, too.

Don't try to understand a mental illness by putting yourself in her shoes, as you aren't mentally ill. It will only confuse you. Learn about the illness in general, and its common traits, and that'll help your healing. But don't try to figure out what she thought or is thinking. It'll send you nuts!
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