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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: My behavior  (Read 1447 times)
JNChell
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« Reply #30 on: September 25, 2020, 07:34:05 PM »

I’m not trying to be an  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) hole, but S5 and I had a great relationship. now he’s withheld:
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« Reply #31 on: September 25, 2020, 07:45:29 PM »

I won’t take any parenting classes. I parent him just fine.
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« Reply #32 on: September 25, 2020, 07:48:06 PM »

JNChell.

This is not about whether or not you deserved to have your son taken from you. This is about what image you will have to present to an objective party who knows nothing about you or your ex or your son.

You want to present yourself in the best light possible. The judge does not know that your ex is disordered.

Do you think your ex is going to take a parenting class? do you think for one minute she would take any suggestion that hints at the fact that she may not be making the best decision for her child? or do you think she would reject any notion that she isn't "mother of the year"? She defines witholding your child as "boundaries".

Don't let your pride get in the way of you playing the long game. You can't take all the events of the past however many years and transfer it into the mind of the judge who holds the power to give you rights to see your son. You can only show prove of tangible evidence that you are honestly trying to be the best parent you can be to your son, so don't discount anything and everything that can work as evidence in your favor.
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« Reply #33 on: September 25, 2020, 07:55:24 PM »

I’m sorry. You’re right. I mean that. I’m being a dipPLEASE READ. Care to message more about this stuff?

I’m afraid of my Son being taken away with real control.
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« Reply #34 on: September 25, 2020, 08:00:36 PM »

Anger and pride will not serve you well here, JNChell.

You must decide what lengths you will go to in order to see your son.

Take it from a woman whose rights as a parent were stripped and reduced to dust. When it comes down to seeing your child or not seeing your child- you eat a lot of crow.

It does not mean it is fair. It does not mean an injustice has not been done.

It does mean that you must evaluate what your values are and act according to your priorities.

The end goal here is your relationship with your son and how to best preserve that. Keep that at the forefront of your mind. An enlightened person understands that there is always growth to be pursued.

Keep growth and elevation to a higher level, and what might facilitate that for you, at the forefront. Keep the lower, base instincts, such as pride, anger, revenge, vindication, on the back.

I believe that what goes around comes around. It's been nearly eight years for me, and I won't give up. I believe the day is coming when I will be vindicated, when injustices will be righted, and when I will see the purpose of this pain come full circle.

Fighting for your son may not always look the way you envision. Open your mind.
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« Reply #35 on: September 26, 2020, 08:19:15 AM »

Staying with the topic "My behavior".

I think people are telling you that its important to change your approach and do it quickly. Let go of the old JNChell who is grieving a lost relationship and fighting with biomom and become the new JNChell who is going to be a conventional father.

I get that you are anxious, depressed, even feeling PTSD... but having the personality that goes along with this is not going to help you get a good deal with your son. You don't want the court to say you are not stable enough to father right now.

This is a tall, tall order because what you feel and the wounds are real. You really have to ask if you are up to it. It's like that superhuman strength mothers get when they pick up the front end of a car to rescue a child who has been pinned underneath.

I won’t take any parenting classes. I parent him just fine.

I just want to see my Son.

...does the 5th amendment have any weight in family court?

Family courts are wide open under a facade of justice.

There is an attitude behind all of these statements that you need to lose. If you don't, the other attorney will poke at you and leverage your attitude against you. If the judge detects it (and they are good), it will not serve you well.

You will not do well if you have attitude about the court, the courts favorite things (like parenting classes, or divorce recovery), or about Mom. All this will work against you. The court wants to see a man who respects the court, the courts ideals, the child (and by extension, the child's mother, the child's extended family). It's tough to be that man - for any man that has been trampled by the ex with your child - but that is the way it is.

This guy...


Not this guy...


And frankly, you will be a better man for doing all this. It should help get you out of the funk and feeling defeated. You (all of us) are not child rearing experts and we all can learn from classes. Divorce recovery can be helpful too.  Learning the law and what the state wants will help - a lot of psychology and case history went into creating these programs and its not always obvious why.

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« Reply #36 on: September 26, 2020, 11:44:45 AM »

Skip, thanks for laying it out like this. It makes total sense. I guess maybe I’ve been feeling a bit withdrawn and isolated within myself and trying to script a narrative that is justifiable with my thoughts and opinions of “how things should be”. Well, that’s narcissistic thinking and I need to knock it off right now. It’s thinking from a victim POV.

My number one goal is to be a great father for my Son. Being a father is the best and most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done. When he’s dangled in front of me like a carrot, it really  :cursing:es me off. That being said, I’ve reacted poorly and have become the aggressor more and more. The most disheartening part of this judicial process, and the biggest reason that I wanted to avoid it, is because it turns into a twisted competition. That word shouldn’t exist in the triad of two parents and a very young child. Like you said, this is just how it is. I’m going to visit with my best friend this evening, he’s been a huge support throughout this whole debacle. I’m going to discuss this subject with him.

Yes, the PTSD is triggered by all of this. It was triggered while the relationship was still a thing. As time went on, it got very severe. I think that that is where a lot of the anger and resentment towards S5’s mom comes from. I feel like my vulnerabilities were zeroed in on and attacked.

You have a wonderful ability to pull things and place them in a way for a person to see themselves where they are at with themselves. This actually scared me a little bit, but that’s a positive. But the members are right. I’m bad about pushing against the grain at times. I don’t know if it’s self righteousness or a defense mechanism, but as I think about this while I’m typing it, my level of self awareness isn’t as high as I thought it was. I still recoil into a self centered stance when I feel threatened.

Thanks for the pics. A good laugh always makes the day better.
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« Reply #37 on: September 26, 2020, 01:14:23 PM »

Great thoughts from Skip and IAR... JNChell, glad we're all together here and talking about stuff.

Excerpt
I think people are telling you that its important to change your approach and do it quickly. Let go of the old JNChell who is grieving a lost relationship and fighting with biomom and become the new JNChell who is going to be a conventional father.

This is less a disagreement and more a 90 degree perspective shift on what Skip wrote above.

What if there IS a place to check in with "old JNChell" -- it's like, it might be "fake" to just say "OK I'm done with Old JNChell, he isn't a factor any more". What if it's more like, OK, the place to do some business with "old JNChell" is with a good therapist? And then in the arena of ANYTHING to do with your sweet son, parenting, anything to do with courts/judges/lawyers, it's "working hard at new JNChell" with new skills, new approaches, etc?

I wonder if that makes sense.
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« Reply #38 on: September 26, 2020, 01:28:21 PM »

Good perspective - we’ll said Kells.
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« Reply #39 on: September 26, 2020, 01:39:42 PM »

It makes sense. JNChell as I am has landed me in a place that I don’t want to be. Change is needed. Fighting hard and being stubborn isn’t always the best bet.
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« Reply #40 on: September 26, 2020, 02:21:49 PM »

Excerpt
JNChell as I am has landed me in a place that I don’t want to be.

I get it. I see choices I've made, some feeling "choicier" than others, that have contributed to the tone of the relationships I have now.

Excerpt
Change is needed.

I see that in my life, too. How can I make changes to have healthier relationships with my family, for example.

Excerpt
Fighting hard and being stubborn isn’t always the best bet.

And yet it's been a real part of your life. Erasing it or forgetting it or pretending it never happened doesn't "make you the new JNChell". (Not that you are saying that. It's just an example)

I hope you can keep some space for "stubborn fighter JNChell" who has got you through a lot in life. Give him some room with a good therapist, and let his dogged determination fuel "new JNChell's" skill building, total focus on son, new paths, new tactics.
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« Reply #41 on: September 27, 2020, 02:34:52 PM »

kells. I’d like to find that happy medium. Fighting and pushing is tiresome. It’s also non-productive in situations like this. I can’t beat a narcissist. I simply cannot. I admit defeat. That’s very hard for me to say. Perhaps I can cherry pick off of the stubborn JNChell. I don’t know at this point. I just want to see my Son. He’s 20 minutes away and I can’t give him a hug. I’m really  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) mad about that.

I just miss him so much. I’m so angry and sad. That’s my boy and we have a great relationship. It’s hard to look in his bedroom. Everything is here waiting for him. It shouldn’t be this way for his wellbeing. I’m really pissed at his mom for doing this to him.
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« Reply #42 on: September 27, 2020, 04:59:44 PM »

yeah, I hope so. I want to see my boy. It’s almost crippling. I want to hug my child. It’s hard to not loose my temper. I want to hit things. I’m mad. I can’t see my Son, and I’m very mad about that. I know the truth about everything, but it’s not able to matter.
« Last Edit: September 27, 2020, 05:14:20 PM by JNChell » Logged

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« Reply #43 on: September 29, 2020, 11:08:27 PM »

JNChell, I can totally relate to your desire of wanting to "right the wrong" in your communications with your ex.  This is something I internally battled a lot at the beginning, but I came to the realization that IT DOES NO GOOD for anyone.  I can't tell you how many times I told her how her behavior affects the kids, how many times I tried to reason with her, how many times I called her on her BS, etc. 

I'm a person with a strong sense of right and wrong, and I felt justified when I stood up to her and called her out.  The problem is she would go silent and then find another way to manipulate the situation.  Not to go into my story, but what I've seen is she is working very hard on turning my D10 against me.  Not working real well for her, but sometimes D10 and I have our difficulties, which I can usually figure out after a day or two with D10 and we're cool again.

My point is, you need to find an alternative solution to standing up to them.  I'm sure you're justified in your anger like I was, but things get better when you stop beating your head against that wall.  She won't change, she'll just find another way of manipulating it.  Play the gray rock game, be uninteresting, don't get provoked, and just be a good Dad on your end of the equation.
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« Reply #44 on: September 30, 2020, 09:31:15 AM »

I think there's something interesting in defogging's point, and I want to take a 90 degree sideways look at it:

Excerpt
you need to find an alternative solution to standing up to them.

If "standing up to them" is defined in a certain way -- as "telling them in no uncertain terms that they are hurting the kids", for example -- then yes, an alternative is needed.

How about an alternative definition of standing up to them?

This isn't about "the end justifies the means" and "if it didn't turn out OK, then the means were clearly not OK". This isn't saying "there's no room in life to tell people when they are being hurtful, if they don't change after hearing that".

This IS about what's effective for your son's wellbeing.

Telling the disordered other parent that they are hurting the kids is not an effective way to improve the kids' wellbeing, as defogging points out and I have experienced.

This is NOT saying that "if truth is not effective in improving the kids' wellbeing, then the opposite -- lying -- is effective".

It's not black and white, where the opposite of "A" is "not-A".

"Standing up to them" can look like jiu-jitsu instead of boxing.

Boxing = telling them to their face that they're being hurtful, with the goal of helping the kids. Lots of power, strength, intensity trying to counter their hurtfulness.

Jiu-jitsu = finding a different, perhaps non-intuitive strategy, with the goal of helping the kids. Lots of using their energy against them to counter their hurtfulness.

So, circling back -- what if "standing up to them" were defined not as "telling it like it is to their face", but rather, as "responding to them in a way that is most effective for your son's well-being"?

With some people, the two statements may be equivalent. There are perhaps people in life where you could "tell it like it is to their face" and that would be the most effective move for well being.

Sadly, that isn't the case with your son's mom. The two definitions aren't equivalent. You've tried #1 for a while (telling her straight up that she is being hurtful), and the outcome has been that she has NOT done what is good for your son. It would be good for your son to be with you, but you've tried option #1, and she withholds him.

So...

The answer isn't "just stop standing up to her, so that you get a different outcome for Son". I think the answer is "Stand up to her in ways that are most effective for your son's well-being". And those ways might look unintuitive, weird, different, passive, unfamiliar, etc. In jiu-jitsu, you might look like you're on your back, on the ground, under the big guy, about to be pummeled. If it were boxing, meeting power with power, you'd be screwed. That's where you want to be in jiu-jitsu, though. There's a lot you can do from your back on the ground -- if you know some moves.

Excerpt
I know the truth about everything, but it’s not able to matter.

The truth always matters. The fact that it doesn't matter to her says more about her than it does about truth. There's what's true about her, right? The kind of person she is? Use that truth as you give JNChell some new skills and strategies. You know what kind of person she is, how she'll try to rattle you and "get to you". She's doing it now. And she thinks it'll keep working, because she's used to it setting you off into telling her off. She won't be prepared for any other kind of strategy. She's in it for reactions from you... negative engagement is engagement. When you are able to step aside and let her own power send her to the ground... she won't be expecting that.

...

I guess this was kind of "stream of consciousness", but to wrap it up, I just want to suggest that the choice isn't between "stand up to her" and "don't stand up to her". I see the choice as "stand up to her in X sort of way" and "stand up to her in Y sort of way"... and the choice is about what's most effective for your son's health and well-being.

It's all a kind of high level view, so we can bring it back down to earth and talk specific "jiu-jitsu" strategies if that sounds interesting.

Cheers;

kells76
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« Reply #45 on: September 30, 2020, 01:02:29 PM »

Good points by kells76, and I'll expand a little on what I meant.  I got some great advice along the way that my exPDw likes to only give me one option when making decisions, it's her decision that she already made for everyone and I'm not presented with another option. 

The strategy I've adopted is that whenever a situation arises, I step back and think about what the other possible alternatives could be.  I've found there is always a way around the one option I've been given.

Example: My most recent situation is that my exPDw has been trying to weave her way into my parenting time.  Scheduling appointments for the kids during my time and offering transportation, overscheduling activities and attempting to share transportation duties with me.  This works out terribly, because the more time the kids spend with exPDw the more she can try to turn them against me.  The kids usually come back to me angry about one thing or another, full of criticism about how I do things or decisions I make, then it takes a day or so to get them balanced out again.

Sadly, I knew I had to limit her access to the kids during my time.  This seemed like a tough thing to figure out, because exPDw was making sure the kids were interested in all the activities, and would be mad at me if I didn't let them participate.  That's the black and white corner she tried to back me into, either allow mom to drive them to practice, or be the bad guy that told them they couldn't participate.  The option I found was to expand my network with the neighborhood parents and I now have several high school kids available and willing to provide babysitting and transportation to activities.  It worked out very well.  My D10 went from being upset with me about not allowing mom to drive her on my days, to thinking it's the coolest thing in the world to get a ride from a high school kid.

So, my advice would be to disengage from the drama as best you can, and step back to think about what other alternative options you have when confronted with any situation.  I've had great luck with using other folks on this forum as a sounding board to find alternative solutions, I would recommend seeking specific advice for how to approach things from other members here. (perhaps you have been doing this and I haven't seen it)
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« Reply #46 on: September 30, 2020, 03:54:46 PM »

Another example of the sideways model - my SD was the same age as your son when we got married.  For 2 years, I heard A LOT of "Mommy says..." and something ridiculous.

I could have flat-out said Mommy lied or pleaded my case.  Instead, I turned it around.  "What do you think about that?"  "How did that make you feel?"  I focused on SD instead of Mommy...and eventually SD figured out mommy was full of it.

It's tough, right now, when you don't have access to your son.  That's what the legal battle is for.  Find a way to vent your anger and sadness that isn't at your ex.  She doesn't care about what's best for your son.  She wouldn't recognize what's best for him if it hit her in the face.  Instead, work on you, and make plans for when you do have S again.
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« Reply #47 on: October 02, 2020, 09:41:46 AM »

Outstanding advice here. The sideways shuffle then look for an alternative is great.

So practically, how do we loop this back to JNChell's specific situation?

In the case of triggering communication, the sideways shuffle is... do not reply immediately. That is the different way to act. Probably the unexpected way of acting. Then, in your zen state think of an alternative way of replying. How regularly do you receive triggering messages? Is there anything we can look at now? Live example?

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« Reply #48 on: October 03, 2020, 12:48:06 PM »

I’ve delayed my response before. Nothing works with her. Not a damn thing. Control and power is who she is. She knows the vulnerability and she controls it. I’ve talked about it on another post. She is using him. My behavior towards her is under wraps. I simply don’t contact her. She wouldn’t say anything back. I feel so stupid for having a child with this woman. But, if I didn’t, Asher wouldn’t be here. I love my boy and I miss him so much. Currently, there is no contact so behavior isn’t an issue. I feel angry and resentful. I just hope that the court order is fair when considering S5.
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« Reply #49 on: October 04, 2020, 01:15:27 PM »

I guess that this is where I should post this. It’s very hard to talk about this because it’s embarrassing, shameful and I’m still a bit confused on why I did what I did. This is going to be long.

After S5 was born, things took a quick turn between his mom and I. I’m not placing blame on her. Things started happening that I was concerned about. I would try to talk to her. She would get triggered, gather up the kids and run off. She’s not capable of communicating and sharing concerns. She would stonewall, not telling me where she was or even how S5 was. Completely blocked. She would come back and act like nothing happened. When I would try to talk to her about her previous running off, she would run off again and repeat what had just happened. This went on for roughly two years and I started to lose my mind. I’ve had C-PTSD since childhood, but I didn’t know that yet. I was being called names, told that I was imagining things and threatened with my Son. I became very sick, mentally. I started drinking heavy. That didn’t help anything. It was numbness. I made a vow to myself the day he was born that S5 and her daughter wouldn’t experience a broken home. I am naturally biased, so this leans more towards my Son. I fought and I tried so hard to keep the family together. No matter what I did, I wasn’t doing enough. She broke up with me dozens of times, and I always begged her to come back and solidify the family. I was so focused on that. In the meantime, I was losing myself. That’s what a narcissist does. That’s also what happens when people like me grasp at a situation that should be let go of. It’s 50/50. No two ways around it.

I shared my past with her, and she shared her past with me. I white knighted her because I thought that she needed to be saved. She always needs to be saved. She talked poorly about every friend, family member and coworker. But, all of these people showed up with gifts at birthday parties. I started to question this, and the abuse got worse. But, I wanted to keep the family in tact. The big breakups lasted a couple months. She would go out and sleep around, and I would always welcome her back. This happened twice.

I guess that I should get to the meat and potatoes here. One day she and I were fighting through text. She was at her sister’s house 2 miles away. Evening was setting in and a major storm warning was a factor. She had moved out of the house a year prior, but was still doing the relationship thing. I told her to bring the kids over and spend the night because of the storm. Conversation went back and forth. She said the house sucked and went silent. Two hours later she calls and asks if she and the kids can spend the night. I paused and said ok. 5 seconds later she comes crashing through the door in a rage. Calling me an insane douche bag and anything else that you can think of. She was doubled over and screaming at me. She was sitting in the driveway when she made the phone call. She screamed at me that I didn’t answer in the way that she wanted. I don’t remember a lot past her rage. I remember sitting on the couch with my head in my hands. Dry mouth and shaking.

I poured gasoline on my kitchen floor and I burnt my house and possessions to the ground. I was planning to shoot myself in the head. Somehow, that didn’t happen.  I spent 8 days in a psych unit in the aftermath.

S5’s mom and I got back together after this. Can you believe that? There was another incident where I became suicidal and it is now over. I don’t have those feelings anymore, and I didn’t have them prior to meeting her.

This story is a mix of PTSD meeting a narcissist. Friends, please be careful with your feelings and emotions. If you are considering pursuing a person that has hurt you, think hard, listen to your gut and don’t set yourself up for a hurt locker.
« Last Edit: October 04, 2020, 01:21:52 PM by JNChell » Logged

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« Reply #50 on: October 04, 2020, 09:01:52 PM »

Your post breaks my heart. Except for some of your more extreme reactions, the relationship between you and your wife is very reminiscent of much of what I experienced in my childhood. I often wished they would divorce so there would be peace. The good news is you and wife are no longer together and you are undergoing therapy. Unfortunately, you still have to redeem yourself with the court. As we know, by removing the trigger, you can begin to calm yourself. When caught up in the middle of all the crazy, dysfunctional and violent behavior, it is very easy to fall into self destructive actions.

I am so sorry that you have had to endure all this. You are an example of how the dysfunction pulls us into more dysfunction. I am happy you are out of it, are now finding your own self worth, and finding some happiness. Accept your past and don't beat yourself up over the 'should have done...', move on to a new future.  Keep on the positive path and set a good example for your son.
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dindin
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« Reply #51 on: October 05, 2020, 02:14:25 AM »

I am so sorry you went through this. I also once had a very close call with this ultimate step. I remember I experienced complete detachment at the time, like I wasn't there. Have you? Have these thoughts ever come back?
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formflier
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« Reply #52 on: October 05, 2020, 09:28:34 AM »


I think it's good you have a place you can be open.

This is the kind of thing that your L needs to be aware of and if you can show parenting classes, therapy and other stuff since then...my guess is it will be "too old" to have much of an impact, especially if you can show a solid citizen since then.

And...if you guys can settle before trial or mediation, it never comes up

Again..good you can talk about this stuff here. 

Best,

FF
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« Reply #53 on: October 05, 2020, 09:39:19 AM »

Hang in there JNChell. This is difficult stuff. It's good that you are in a much better place.
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Ouch9999

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« Reply #54 on: October 05, 2020, 07:49:21 PM »

No judgement here, only empathy. I can absolutely see how her behavior would drive someone to extremes, as Living Life said "You are an example of how the dysfunction pulls us into more dysfunction." I always describe my pwBPD's behavior as "toxic." And if you're fed poison, you're going to have a bad reaction, right?

Good on you for coming so far. Good on you for all the help you are giving to others by sharing your story!

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worriedStepmom
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« Reply #55 on: October 08, 2020, 03:32:56 PM »

I want to loop back to what you said at the beginning, that you don't need parenting classes.

Yes, you do.

So do I.

Every single one of us can benefit from it, but those of us trying to coparent with someone with a personality disorder DEFINITELY need more skills than we are born with.

I was a good mother when I got divorced.  Now I'm a great one.

Since then, I've been to parenting classes.  I've read dozens of parenting books.  I see a therapist and ask her and my kids' Ts for advice regularly on how to improve my parenting.

Because my kids and my bonus kid deserve the best parent they can get.

And I still have more to learn and improve.

Going to parenting classes does not make you a bad parent.
Reaching out to learn more about how to be a good parent does not mean you are a bad parent.
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Enabler
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« Reply #56 on: October 09, 2020, 07:25:46 AM »

Going to parenting classes does not make you a bad parent.
Reaching out to learn more about how to be a good parent does not mean you are a bad parent.

Wonderfully put worriedStepmom, this is so not about being a bad parent, it's about being an awesome parent.

Even when you do get contact with your child there may be a lot of unexpected things you will need to deal with. Things that you wouldn't have to deal with as a "normal" parent. Parental alienation for example, how would you approach that at the moment? "Daddy, I think you're mean to me and Mummy, you left us and didn't want to see me for months". It's horrible, but you're potentially going to have to deal with that and there's a totally different school of thought you will need to learn to be effective in those situations.

Consider it JNChell.

New-Life
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #57 on: October 09, 2020, 07:06:16 PM »

I took parenting classes.  They're required of all parents going to court in my state.  Actually, my ex and I both took them.  Well, she supposedly took them, I have no proof, probably elsewhere since she avoided my classes.

Keep that in mind.  I think that's what will happen when you have your day in court.  If not, if the court orders only you to have parenting classes, you ought to be free to ask for her to also take them.  Whether she benefits from the classes or not, at least you will feel better that both of you are under similar status... as parents, not accuser versus accused.

Same for other situations.  If she wants you to be assessed (psych eval) then she too should have the same assessment.

Most of us, because of our ex's obstruction and even accusations, ended up needing an in depth Custody Evaluation.  It is much more than a psych eval.  That takes months.  It is critical to have a very reputable and experienced professional, not just anybody.  However, the good thing is that by then you will be having regular contact with your son.

BPD is known also as a Blamer's disorder.  Odds are you two will never agree on much of anything in the future.  So what? 
« Last Edit: October 09, 2020, 07:12:05 PM by ForeverDad » Logged

Crispy Waffle

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« Reply #58 on: October 09, 2020, 10:59:37 PM »

I've been out of the loop recently with a number of life issues unrelated to the divorce and ex. But it's refreshing to be reminded that what I'm experiencing is typical of BPD (I was about to say "normal", but it is far from that).

I always feel a bit of a connection with you because I think we operate from largely the same place. My therapist told me to consider everything I say or write as if it were possibly to come up in court (because indeed it could). As I told her, I get caught up in the ex's drama and spooled into the conflict too easily. I try to approach it like Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon; the scene where a guy tries to pick a fight with him on the Chinese junk (boat). He asks Lee what his fighting style is, with Lee replying "I call it the art of fighting, without fighting". He proceeds to marginalize the guy by convincing him to get into a dinghy and then sets it loose, dragging it behind the boat. It is completely contrary to who I am and how I operate. I will avoid conflict because I'm too "good at it" (which means I'm not good at defusing conflict).

So I have to learn a new way. It can seem impossible. This process is painful and will continue to be, but I am already seeing improvements with my stress and being able to remain calmer when dealing with other challenges. During it I have to endure a lot of crap, work on myself, and not be tempted to avoid it be indulging in other distractions such as jumping into a new relationship as my ex did. I have taken to looking at this is something of a monastic pursuit.

One thing that has helped a good bit is journaling my thoughts on paper. I was dubious, but it really is cathartic. Good old analog pen and paper changes how you process the words and thoughts. And I'll also read through them on occasion. I write the good, bad and ugly. I've written horrible things about my wife, as well as kind things. It really helps me get those ruminating thoughts out of my head, while also helping to let go of some of the anger, effectively evicting her from living rent-free in my head, at least temporarily.
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