so she changed her profile pic and the "in a relationship is gone"... Should I..

[legalboxers]

  So I was on another page Im on, and I noticed her profile pic has changed, and the "in a relationship" status is gone but its still on the main page. It's dying inside me to say hello to her even though some dude harassed me saying "its over, I treated her bad" etc.

But there is no status for her, I dont know if the person is living with her, I dont know what is going on. All Im going by is a status.

Its like a moth drawn to a light. I know its a ballsy move. I know I got nothing to loose.  Nothing to loose nothing to gain right?

I mean right now, I need to go for a general check up on Wednesday. I just want to see her. Its killing me

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

When did you last contact her? Whatr did you say? How did she respond?

[legalboxers]

@Skip. I think a month or so. I forgot, Ive been in my own hell. Some guy used her phone to tell me off. Saying "oh its over, give up, I treated her wrong". But I seen on her page, the status of "in a relationship" is gone. She called me "Toxic" and "Trash", Im stupid for still loving her. I dont know why I do, but I do. I feel like I did many moons ago, with someone else. But this time, its her alone.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I'm sorry you've been having a rough time. I dunno man, unless a person with BPD is doing some serious therapy, is knowledgeable about their illness and has done years of work, I don't think it can really work.

If you go for her, you're opening yourself up to abuse, mistreatment, discard, cheating, her keeping random men in her life as alternatives. Do you really want to open yourself up to all of that? You've got a lot to lose.

That being said, it's your life, and your decision, I'm not going to judge you for it. I know when I was broken up with my ex, the first like 3 years I pined for her a lot and was desperate as hell to get her back. So I understand where you are coming from.

[grumpydonut]

Legal,

I read something rather profound the other day, and I think it's relevant here.

You and I (all of us) deserve the person we choose to choose us too. It doesn't matter if you contact this woman to find that she misses you, the fact is she didn't choose you. She chose someone else. To go back to someone who abused you, is to devalue your own worth.

We all want someone to choose us, which is why being cheated on, replaced and abandoned hurts so much.

I know it hurts and I understand the thoughts going through your mind. But at the end of the day, this woman doesn't deserve you because you deserve someone who values you as much as you value them - and her actions proved she didn't.

I'd recommend not contacting, but it's your life and you are free to make any decision you want. Just go into it with open eyes and don't willingly offer yourself up as her sacrifice. You don't deserve to be treated like a utility.

[legalboxers]

@Grumpdonut: I think its me to a degree. Im a non-practicing Catholic. I know they say "turn the other cheek". In that case, she used all 4 *laughs* Also to "forgive" I dont know, or think she knows what shes consciously doing, but on the same token, I dont know.

[legalboxers]

@BuildingFromScratch: I was there for her when her mom died. I promised her I wouldnt leave her. I guess to my defense, I guess I never will get that spark on the most stupidest thing on the planet (a defunct store which has been gone for ions)

[FindingMe2011]

Paragraph header  (click to insert in post) So I was on another page Im on, and I noticed her profile pic has changed, and the "in a relationship" status is gone but its still on the main page. It's dying inside me to say hello to her even though some dude harassed me saying "its over, I treated her bad" etc.


I have to ask. What is your objective here? Is detachment the goal or are you just on standby, in hopes of the relationship continuing? From my view one has a worn out path traveled too many times, looking for a destination that doesnt exist. The other has as much upside as you could imagine, but its an unknown. Either commit one way or another, you deserve this decision to yourself... Both appear to contain pain. One will eventually stop, the other never could.

I mean right now, I need to go for a general check up on Wednesday. I just want to see her. Its killing me Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

No its not killing you. The sun will set and rise just as always... Death by a thousand cuts is still death, your choice.

. I think a month or so. I forgot, Ive been in my own hell.

This would be FOG, triggered by her, not created by her. Understand the difference? If so start going through the motions to correct. Expect setbacks and start again. There is a different way to live, have some faith in you to see this through. Get help if necessary.

She called me "Toxic" and "Trash", Im stupid for still loving her. I dont know why I do, but I do.

She has to for her new r/s. Hes the rescuer, her the victim, and you the persecutor. Your behavior validates this to new toy. The same results will eventually happen and the dance will continue. Hopefully you wont be the next dance partner as the recycles will just bring more pain. Your not stupid, just enmeshed, big difference. I wish you well and can relate to what youre saying and all i can say is, the feelings its producing are FALSE...Peace

[legalboxers]

@FindingMe2011:

"I have to ask. What is your objective here? Is detachment the goal or are you just on standby, in hopes of the relationship continuing? From my view one has a worn out path traveled too many times, looking for a destination that doesnt exist. The other has as much upside as you could imagine, but its an unknown. Either commit one way or another, you deserve this decision to yourself... Both appear to contain pain. One will eventually stop, the other never could. "

I am true to my screen name: Im not a fighter, only in a court room if needed (Ive been a paralegal for 20 yrs) I am my own defense attorney in this. I need to prove my worth. I have to fight to prove my worth for the simple reason, a text message on "the worst day of her life" would be when her mom passed, not when she was being cremated, which I was present for. Second, someone messaging me when they need help, does not equate cheating or "a side piece" as her male friends (she has no female friends since she calls them catty) and someone informing me they have stage 4 breast cancer, and then telling me "oh they should die, I had ovarian cancer and no one cared". Something is radically wrong there with that. She even told me "I need help since my mom died, I need to talk to someone" but she didn't.

She also was married but separated. And I had the paperwork for her to sign and she didn't.
===
No its not killing you. The sun will set and rise just as always... Death by a thousand cuts is still death, your choice.

Sure the sun will rise and set as it always does. but what if they are grey clouds and storms in that time frame. As for death by a thousands cuts maybe still death, this is my way of ending what a dumpster fire of 2020 will be. I'm still going to do Plan B, which is wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. try and be the bigger man.

And the checkup is just general. I use to complain to her that I have pains in my feet and body and she didnt care, I have fybromialgia and nephropathy, time from being on the job for 15 yrs (I was a volly police officer, so my condition wasnt so bad when I was a younger lad, it just came full force as I became an older lad)
=====
This would be FOG, triggered by her, not created by her. Understand the difference? If so start going through the motions to correct. Expect setbacks and start again. There is a different way to live, have some faith in you to see this through. Get help if necessary.

I was okay for sometime. as I explained to someone, its like a moth drawn to a flame. Its like the most intense relationship I had. But this is my thought. She said she "wanted no memory of me". But on almost every single photo of hers, which I commented on,is still there. If she wanted no memories of me, why are the comments still there?
===
She has to for her new r/s. Hes the rescuer, her the victim, and you the persecutor. Your behavior validates this to new toy. The same results will eventually happen and the dance will continue. Hopefully you wont be the next dance partner as the recycles will just bring more pain. Your not stupid, just enmeshed, big difference. I wish you well and can relate to what youre saying and all i can say is, the feelings its producing are FALSE...Peace

enmeshed. maybe. But reason why I did chose that person. Where I live, there is another form of "toxicity" and "trash"... Racism..Im judged for my color and background. With her, there wasnt that. So I guess I rather went and chose BDP opposed to racism. So I guess, BPD maybe the lesser of two evils...

===

[Cromwell]

Is there really nothing to lose? A few things came fo mind

Rationalising this with nothing ventured nothing gained. But yoj have already been hurt this isn't a new relationsnhop.

Can you recall what if felt ag the moment called toxic trash?

[legalboxers]

@Cromwell:
Is there really nothing to lose? A few things came fo mind

Rationalising this with nothing ventured nothing gained. But yoj have already been hurt this isn't a new relationsnhop.

Can you recall what if felt ag the moment called toxic trash?
====
Well In my mind, she lives not too far from me but has to pay a bridge toll to get to me. As for being called toxic and trash, I can just equate it to Im not sure.

[myinnertorch]

  We all know what happens if a moth makes contact with that flame..."poof" the moth is burned! You have to question why you feel what you feel...is it out of the fact that she is with someone else? We all want what we can't have...

Step back, take inventory of yourself and the relationship. What did YOU get out of it and what is the upside of you getting back together with her?

If after you take emotional inventory, you think there is space in your heart to go through this washing machine of a relationship...go for it, and skip the spin cycle. It's nasty!

[Skip]

Nothing to loose nothing to gain right?

Maybe not.

You sent a long email a month ago (if I understand correctly) and she had some guy tell you to keep away.

If you do more of the same right now, you are going to get an exaggerated response back and thing will be even more divided.

If you want to re-initiate contact at some point, you would be best advised to not do it right now. It would be better to get on the bettering board, try to undestand why this all failed and what you can do differently if you go back.  From there, you will need to think about how to softly open the door.

That's another board.

Here the question is whether this was wrong person, wrong time. If the first five months were so difficult (e.g., this was messy from the start) why go back for more?

Do you see a future with her?

[legalboxers]

myinnertorch  

We all know what happens if a moth makes contact with that flame..."poof" the moth is burned! You have to question why you feel what you feel...is it out of the fact that she is with someone else? We all want what we can't have...

I think shes single. her pic is of Giggles McDimples. From Toy Story 4. I try and read too much into stuff.


Step back, take inventory of yourself and the relationship. What did YOU get out of it and what is the upside of you getting back together with her?

I had some happiness. Believe it or not. This is me. Its either choose people who are racists (thats the most I get out of people) or someone who has... I think one can be cured, and is more plausible to deal with.

If after you take emotional inventory, you think there is space in your heart to go through this washing machine of a relationship...go for it, and skip the spin cycle. It's nasty!


I hate thinking, I think too much, I cant even focus on other things. I need to take my LSAT again, I need to become a notary. I got too much to do. I just want 2020 to end. She made me very happy for 5 months!

[Cromwell]

I understand with the studying disruption. But it helped massively to reflect briefly. My mind can handle about 3 simultaneous thoughts im concentration, no more. For the first 6 months the rs and her were often it irritating but i kept focus on studying put in more hours made it an overall priority. There is hundreds of medical conditions and associations i made with my ex, it helped me pass exams, leveraged it.

What im conscious of here is when people get so overwhelmed and emotionally torn down it effects the rest of their lives. I don't know the full situ how you are doing if youd be half way through your studies and have to stop due to getting into an emotional slump.

However much i sometimes miss my ex she most of thr time also gave me huge positives, happiness. I know i wouldn't have been able to do what im doing now alongside.

Imagine would you feel about losing both? Maybe imagine how different you may feel about yourself if you choose to give more self~heal time and distance. She's not going anywhere if you choose to from a place of less emotional vulnerability.

Moth to a flame. Sounds a bit reckless legal boxers. Sort of playing with fire for a dopamine hit? It will dampen down, i know what one month felt like it's a huge test on self control to ride through at moments. 

[legalboxers]

@Skip:
Maybe not.

You sent a long email a month ago (if I understand correctly) and she had some guy tell you to keep away.

Was a text message explaining my feelings to her. He basically said "it was over"  Im thinking hes out of the picture since he claimed "hes not banging her" (his words not mine), and wasnt keep away was more of "dont break shoes" whatever that may be.
Again, Im the type who thinks turn the other cheek...
====

If you do more of the same right now, you are going to get an exaggerated response back and thing will be even more divided.

With all the craziness and dumpster fire 2020 has been. I figured, hey may as well go big and go hard.
=====


If you want to re-initiate contact at some point, you would be best advised to not do it right now. It would be better to get on the bettering board, try to undestand why this all failed and what you can do differently if you go back.  From there, you will need to think about how to softly open the door.  That's another board.

What caused all this was "one text message" on the worst day of her life when her mother died. As she harped on for hours on end. How I got so-called multiple text messages from people. The ex-fiancee hasnt messaged me since, the EMT went back to her husband Im guessing. And my friend who has stage 4 breast cancer has not been in contact with me. So those issues are gone. Which was the crux of the problem.
=====

Here the question is whether this was wrong person, wrong time. If the first five months were so difficult (e.g., this was messy from the start) why go back for more?

It was more of her accusing me of a text message. Im stupid, its not FOG, I may not be learning from my mistakes, but to keep a promise I kept. But here is the $1,000,000 question. She mentioned to me she needed help, which we know is there, two, maybe if I reintroduce options to her to get help it may work, and three, well, life is a gamble, and as Kenny Rodgers use to sing "You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to run" I got one more hand I want to play - Every hand is a winner, and every hand is a looser", so I want to play my last hand.
====
Do you see a future with her?
as I mentioned in other responses, dealing with a racist or deal with someone who suffers this disease, to me, this is cureable.

[legalboxers]

@Cromwell

I understand with the studying disruption. But it helped massively to reflect briefly. My mind can handle about 3 simultaneous thoughts im concentration, no more. For the first 6 months the rs and her were often it irritating but i kept focus on studying put in more hours made it an overall priority. There is hundreds of medical conditions and associations i made with my ex, it helped me pass exams, leveraged it.
,
Here is my thing. I am aiming for disability. Im 43, Im going to be 44 in December. I got fybromialgia which I know is treatable, I am taking meds for it which arent helping plus neurosis. All is connected. I cant even sit and type sometimes, let alone drive. She use to mock me because I was sick. I dont know maybe, again, something is wrong with me. Im a Sagittarius,we are hard headed.
===


What im conscious of here is when people get so overwhelmed and emotionally torn down it effects the rest of their lives. I don't know the full situ how you are doing if youd be half way through your studies and have to stop due to getting into an emotional slump.

This has been a road block, and the roadblock has been worse for a while. This is a bigger roadblock and problem for me. I really want this to work..
=====

However much i sometimes miss my ex she most of thr time also gave me huge positives, happiness. I know i wouldn't have been able to do what im doing now alongside.

she was some sort of sanity. which got me off this toxic place I live. Its not a nice place to be, too much racism, and too much negativity.
===

Imagine would you feel about losing both? Maybe imagine how different you may feel about yourself if you choose to give more self~heal time and distance. She's not going anywhere if you choose to from a place of less emotional vulnerability.

Time may heal all wounds but I got a broken clock...
===

Moth to a flame. Sounds a bit reckless legal boxers. Sort of playing with fire for a dopamine hit? It will dampen down, i know what one month felt like it's a huge test on self control to ride through at moments. 

Guess I can be considered someone who does not learn, but the hard way. Im sure something is there still.

[once removed]

Every hand is a winner, and every hand is a looser", so I want to play my last hand.

but if youre going to play, you want to play your best hand, right?

this probably isnt it.

if she isnt in a relationship, which isnt entirely clear, its likely bad timing. if she is, same.

if this is a hail mary, got nothing to lose, put all your cards on the table, that will almost certainly come across in what you say. not once in my entire life has that gone how id hoped.

even if it went how youd hoped, its an impulsive move and you havent thought through what would come next.

if you want to open the door, you can give yourself far better working odds.

[legalboxers]

@once removed:
but if youre going to play, you want to play your best hand, right?

this probably isnt it.

if she isnt in a relationship, which isnt entirely clear, its likely bad timing. if she is, same.

I am going by what I read, she always was surreptitious, even though she says she wasnt. I was on the phone with her all the time, but they were times I was cooking for my mother, washing dishes and doing laundry, so I dont know what she did in that time frame (was a 4 hr time frame, she accused me of having sex with other people in that frame)
===

if this is a hail mary, got nothing to lose, put all your cards on the table, that will almost certainly come across in what you say. not once in my entire life has that gone how id hoped.

Im on the 40 yard line, it is a tie game, 4th Quarter.. clock is at 00:30.. I can do many options. I can be either Troy Akiman, Joe Namath, or Lawrence Taylor or Brett Farve..
let see how good my arm is.

even if it went how youd hoped, its an impulsive move and you havent thought through what would come next.

Its a gamble, she works today, shes off tomorrow, I got a backpack give away with the dept, so I will do it then.
===

if you want to open the door, you can give yourself far better working odds.
I knew some jackass, his word of advice was "whats the worst she can say..No"..

[Skip]

I knew some jackass, his word of advice was "whats the worst she can say..No"..

The worse she can say is "strike three - this guy is never going to understand me".

What caused all this was "one text message" on the worst day of her life when her mother died.

It would help to understand the problem better if you are planning to tell her it can your relationship can be fixed.

let see how good my arm is...

What is your play? "I miss you" is about you. What is she wants to hear?

[legalboxers]

@skip:
"The worse she can say is "strike three - this guy is never going to understand me".
She said "She wanted no memory of me". but my gripe is this. If she wanted no memory of me, deleted everything, why are my comments still on her pictures if she removed "everything" pertaining to me. Im a logical person. I find logic in everything.

It would help to understand the problem better if you are planning to tell her it can your relationship can be fixed.

She dont want to try, no matter how hard I tried. She is very set in her ways, and stated "She didnt want to go down the same road with the text message". She married someone who texted a supposed wrong number for 2 hours on their engagement, and blamed me for what happened when it wasnt my fault. Those people who did text me, are no where to be found. They havent contacted me since, or even called me, not one peep. I dont find it fair to be honest because these people who texted me meant nothing to me. They are the type who are fair-weather friends.

What is your play? "I miss you" is about you. What is she wants to hear?
I dont know what she wants to hear, she never communicated only saying "you got a text message on the worst day of my life" "That person is a side piece (the emergency medical tech who was in a bad place), and my friend who has stage 4 breast cancer - wishing her death, which I think it happened since I havent heard from them in months.

[ALS]

Buddy,

I'm in the same boat. I want mine back. The second hardest thing I had to come to terms with is they are literally incapable of maintaining a relationship without the aid of professional help. I'm sure your goal would be to help her seek it, but the hardest thing is while you're painted black they will never respond positively to your approaches (generally speaking).

She needs to come to a realization herself, like a trigger. Something needs to trigger her to paint white. This could happen by itself but it would be a 'charm' or 'recycle'. I am open to allowing that to happen with mine, but I'm in a place mentally where I can avoid falling back in love (I think  ).

In my opinion I'd wait for a more appropriate hand. Give yourself the most chance to be painted white. If you're not blocked as such then the door is always open.

[legalboxers]

@ALS
Buddy,

I'm in the same boat. I want mine back. The second hardest thing I had to come to terms with is they are literally incapable of maintaining a relationship without the aid of professional help. I'm sure your goal would be to help her seek it, but the hardest thing is while you're painted black they will never respond positively to your approaches (generally speaking).


I was 'painted black" the moment the ex who wanted nothing to do in my life but ghost me accomplished. I am already in a box. No matter what I did to get out of the box..


She needs to come to a realization herself, like a trigger. Something needs to trigger her to paint white. This could happen by itself but it would be a 'charm' or 'recycle'. I am open to allowing that to happen with mine, but I'm in a place mentally where I can avoid falling back in love


I am thinking she is already onto #3 and #4 at this stage. In my mind is already onto December, with the song "Please come home by Christmas - or New Years Night". Im not even going to ask that for my birthday because that ultimately would be the best gift I ever got, and would make up for everything else in the past 40 years of my life. Wasnt happy with the nintendo as a kid, or the vehicles I got, or even my degree. As you get older when you have nothing in life.You cherish the small things. 
 (I think  Paragraph header (click to insert in post).

In my opinion I'd wait for a more appropriate hand. Give yourself the most chance to be painted white. If you're not blocked as such then the door is always open.

She blocked me. Im thinking Im gonna try my google voice number, maybe by.. again.. Thanksgiving or Christmas. Im sure she would of moved on to someone by then but its a gamble. This way if I do fail at it. I can say. 2020 is over...2021 a new chapter. But I still need to return my tux, and see if they take back the rings..

[legalboxers]

UPDATE 9-23-2020 so this is what happened with the doctor.. I need to see  cardiologist because my high blood pressure.. a neurologist for my migraines. a doc for pain management. and they wanted me to see a psychologist. Fun times! (blood pressure was 179/59) Its just not fair.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Sorry to hear that, hope they can help you. Yeah, emotional stress can take it's toll on a person. After I broke up with my ex, I kinda went crazy and would stay ultra busy and drink 2 pots of coffee a day. I ended up developing psychosomatic symptoms because my anxiety levels were always so high and I never got any rest, I had all sorts of body pain. The solution for me was therapy, medication and journaling.

Dunno if that's what you're dealing with, some of it could just be medical.
Hope you feel better.

[legalboxers]

update So she called me.. accused me of calling code enforcement. When I didnt. She was hell bend on me doing it, and throwing in my face since shes with someone. She bagged all the bears I ever gave her.she wants no "memories" of me but she kept the tshirts I gave her..She didnt remove the comment on her page.. And she didnt talk about the t-shirts I gave her. She blamed me for talking to people and cheating on her... when I didnt. I swear on everything  - I did nothing wrong. This person texted me 15x. I told her I was busy. I am trying to forget... but I cant. 5 months..I was robbed.. I did nothing wrong.. Why wont anyone believe me..

[BuildingFromScratch]

She is probably accusing you of cheating, because then she can justify herself probably cheating. People with BPD often project, so a lot of things she accuses you of, she might be guilty of.

I don't think it's your fault, but she is going to put the blame on you, that's what people with BPD do. I took all the blame for a decade, and every time I tried not to she would twist everything around in circles until I didn't know which way was up or down and I always ended up with the blame. It's just tiring. You can't talk sense into someone who isn't being logical.

[legalboxers]

@building - she was threatening to get an order of protection against me when I didn’t contact her or call code enforcement. She also claimed a FD official claimed it was me when it wasn’t. I’m not doing a damn thing I hate looking over my shoulder every time and that’s what I’m doing

[legalboxers]

I am tired of looking over my shoulder in my life. and turns out,she is still in a relationship. She told me she didnt want kids, but she is with a guy who has a daughter. She bagged all the stuffed animals I gave her, but she kept the "dunder mifflin" and "security" t-shirt I got her. How is that not wanting memories of me, but wear what I bought her. It does not make any sense. Why am I trying to rationalize something which dont make sense..Her last comment was "I got a few things to take care of" she always spoke about me indirectly, and in a 3rd party. 

[BuildingFromScratch]

My ex never used my name. I dunno, I think it's a way to objectify and dehumanize.